People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

In addition to a messy house, I have anxiety and ADHD. I put up a brave front so that you may not know. Some people are just not good at this, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people, especially parents, are just full up in terms of time, attention, and executive function to the point that planning social stuff is low on the list for getting through the day.

We do prioritize it because we are transplants without local family, so we're more focused on building a local support network than people who already have one. And everyone always seems very glad to be invited to stuff even if they don't have the capacity to reciprocate, or even say yes to every invitation. I know this because they express gratitude that someone else is planning something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they aren't reciprocating, stop inviting them. Non-reciprocation means they don't like get-togethers and going over to other people's houses is just something they feel like they have to do. It's a chore. They will be relieved to stop getting the invites.

Did you not read this thread? That is the point cut of these kind of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people may lack courtesy, but that doesn’t necessarily make them bad. Often, it’s just something they didn’t learn growing up. Over time, I’ve found the best way to socialize with them is through outdoor activities or meeting at restaurants where everyone covers their own bill. That said, I never exclude their kids from birthday or graduation invites.

This. People who do not reciprocate do not have the functionality to reciprocate. Many reasons for this - They have been raised without these basic socialization skills, they have dirty homes, they are poor and don't have money, they have a toxic family situation, they don't know how to cook etc. So the best thing to do is to invite them to a place where everyone covers their own tab.

Or, better still - invite them to a park and pack some simple, extra sandwiches, water and apples for them too. Everyone has a simple meal and your kid (and you) get some company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people, especially parents, are just full up in terms of time, attention, and executive function to the point that planning social stuff is low on the list for getting through the day.

We do prioritize it because we are transplants without local family, so we're more focused on building a local support network than people who already have one. And everyone always seems very glad to be invited to stuff even if they don't have the capacity to reciprocate, or even say yes to every invitation. I know this because they express gratitude that someone else is planning something!

This!

I'm so busy and very grateful for someone who takes the time to plan. If I don't reciprocate in the same way or I take ages to do it; it's because I'm busy. If the other posters cannot handle that, please don't invite me to things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they aren't reciprocating, stop inviting them. Non-reciprocation means they don't like get-togethers and going over to other people's houses is just something they feel like they have to do. It's a chore. They will be relieved to stop getting the invites.

Did you not read this thread? That is the point cut of these kind of people.

My point is that they aren't free-loading, bad people who are waiting at home, chomping at the bit to go over to your house and eat your free food. They think going to your thing is an obligation. Find the people who like socializing, drop the other people, and stop whining about people who don't reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people, especially parents, are just full up in terms of time, attention, and executive function to the point that planning social stuff is low on the list for getting through the day.

We do prioritize it because we are transplants without local family, so we're more focused on building a local support network than people who already have one. And everyone always seems very glad to be invited to stuff even if they don't have the capacity to reciprocate, or even say yes to every invitation. I know this because they express gratitude that someone else is planning something!

This!

I'm so busy and very grateful for someone who takes the time to plan. If I don't reciprocate in the same way or I take ages to do it; it's because I'm busy. If the other posters cannot handle that, please don't invite me to things.

Yes, I hear you. We all are busy here that's DC crowd.

[Anonymous]

Reciprocity is the basis of human relationship since the start of human civilization. No, the deeds don’t have to be in kind, but each person needs to contribute.

Friendship is like a hug. To be satisfying, both people in the embrace need to squeeze with similar amount of pressure.

I am a frequent host and social organizer. As I age, I have learned to lean more into those relationships that are fulfilling to me. People always have excuses about why they never invite me to places, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. My time and resources are limited, too, and I want to invest in relationships with people who show me that they, too, care about me.

OP, my advice is to let go of the one-sided embrace and find someone else to hug without any guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people, especially parents, are just full up in terms of time, attention, and executive function to the point that planning social stuff is low on the list for getting through the day.

We do prioritize it because we are transplants without local family, so we're more focused on building a local support network than people who already have one. And everyone always seems very glad to be invited to stuff even if they don't have the capacity to reciprocate, or even say yes to every invitation. I know this because they express gratitude that someone else is planning something!

I am too!
We do have parties and things at our home, but I definitely don’t need people to “reciprocate” with inviting me to walk around the park together.

I would rather go for a walk with my husband, and we can still get together at group stuff and say “hi” if we pass each other in the neighborhood or at school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reciprocity is the basis of human relationship since the start of human civilization. No, the deeds don’t have to be in kind, but each person needs to contribute.

Friendship is like a hug. To be satisfying, both people in the embrace need to squeeze with similar amount of pressure.

I am a frequent host and social organizer. As I age, I have learned to lean more into those relationships that are fulfilling to me. People always have excuses about why they never invite me to places, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. My time and resources are limited, too, and I want to invest in relationships with people who show me that they, too, care about me.

OP, my advice is to let go of the one-sided embrace and find someone else to hug without any guilt.

I agree with you. I am surprised how many think they don't need to reciprocate, and give excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reciprocity is the basis of human relationship since the start of human civilization. No, the deeds don’t have to be in kind, but each person needs to contribute.

Friendship is like a hug. To be satisfying, both people in the embrace need to squeeze with similar amount of pressure.

I am a frequent host and social organizer. As I age, I have learned to lean more into those relationships that are fulfilling to me. People always have excuses about why they never invite me to places, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. My time and resources are limited, too, and I want to invest in relationships with people who show me that they, too, care about me.

OP, my advice is to let go of the one-sided embrace and find someone else to hug without any guilt.

This is good advice and I'm a limited reciprocator. If you are high maintenance and need more out of a friendship then they can offer, find someone who is in your same place. Nothing wrong with that at all. Just don't complain that your "friends" don't reciprocate - friends shouldn't expect people to be something they're not.

BTW- I had to distance myself from over inviters, so this logic works both ways. I find some people over bearing and needy, which I cannot handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reciprocity is the basis of human relationship since the start of human civilization. No, the deeds don’t have to be in kind, but each person needs to contribute.

Friendship is like a hug. To be satisfying, both people in the embrace need to squeeze with similar amount of pressure.

I am a frequent host and social organizer. As I age, I have learned to lean more into those relationships that are fulfilling to me. People always have excuses about why they never invite me to places, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. My time and resources are limited, too, and I want to invest in relationships with people who show me that they, too, care about me.

OP, my advice is to let go of the one-sided embrace and find someone else to hug without any guilt.

I agree with you. I am surprised how many think they don't need to reciprocate, and give excuses.

You two are trying to befriend the wrong type of people, who are not willing to offer what you need. Please accept the fact that people are different. You think you are "right" about transactional reciprocity being the basis of human relationships - it is FOR YOU, but certainly not for me. I don't expect my kids to cook me dinner or care for me in my old age, or anything else for that matter. I wanted THEM and I do it out of love, not expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reciprocity is the basis of human relationship since the start of human civilization. No, the deeds don’t have to be in kind, but each person needs to contribute.

Friendship is like a hug. To be satisfying, both people in the embrace need to squeeze with similar amount of pressure.

I am a frequent host and social organizer. As I age, I have learned to lean more into those relationships that are fulfilling to me. People always have excuses about why they never invite me to places, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. My time and resources are limited, too, and I want to invest in relationships with people who show me that they, too, care about me.

OP, my advice is to let go of the one-sided embrace and find someone else to hug without any guilt.

I agree with you. I am surprised how many think they don't need to reciprocate, and give excuses.

You two are trying to befriend the wrong type of people, who are not willing to offer what you need. Please accept the fact that people are different. You think you are "right" about transactional reciprocity being the basis of human relationships - it is FOR YOU, but certainly not for me. I don't expect my kids to cook me dinner or care for me in my old age, or anything else for that matter. I wanted THEM and I do it out of love, not expectation.

Good for you. Keep up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.