People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

DP. But this is me. My family never hosted so I did not learn hosting skills. I am not very domestic so don't really know how to cook for people (in addition to my lifelong dietary restrictions so never learned to cook most things). My house is small and disorganized. I love seeing people and I'm so appreciative when we get invited to someones house, but its very difficult for me to reciprocate. I would totally be happy to invite people out for a dinner on me, but at this stage of life, with kids and such, most people would rather just hang out at someones house.

Please have a little grace and understanding that hosting does not come as easily to others as it does to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people may lack courtesy, but that doesn’t necessarily make them bad. Often, it’s just something they didn’t learn growing up. Over time, I’ve found the best way to socialize with them is through outdoor activities or meeting at restaurants where everyone covers their own bill. That said, I never exclude their kids from birthday or graduation invites.

.

+1

I'm a very insecure hostess and worry that my social skills are severely lacking. I was raised by a waspy father and an immigrant mother who never fit into the white wasp world. She tried and tried and tried to fit in and never did. I was able to make friends through school, activities, the club, church, etc. I was accepted and fit in outside entertaining at home. I'm much more comfortable on neutral turf, where there are no additional expectations of me or any hosting skills that I might lack.

BTW, my mom did find people that she could comfortable host and they were lower class rednecks she met at church, so any skill I was taught will conform to that circle, not the one I actually socialize with.

[Anonymous]

The state of our house embarrasses me. I don’t have anyone in who isn’t a very close friend. And we can’t afford to treat to a nice dinner. So that’s why. But we do take DC’s friends out to do things.

[Anonymous]

I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

If you are paralyzed at social events, you should try the wine. That’s honestly what it’s there for.

DP

For some people it's much much deeper than this. I intentionally don't drink wine around people other than my immediate family because it makes me chatty in ways I'm embarrassed about for months afterwards. Some of us introverts can pretend to be normal for a few hours but have to retreat afterwards. If the clock strikes 12 or the wine is flowing I turn into the socially awkward pumpkin I really am!

[Anonymous]

We have always been the "default hosts," and I'm fine with that. Some people aren't comfortable having people over for many different reasons, and I respect that. It would be nice to be the guest more often, but the upside is that I get to pick the food, drinks, and music I like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

If you are paralyzed at social events, you should try the wine. That’s honestly what it’s there for.

Np. Multiple food restrictions prevent me from consuming most alcohol, including all wines. All of them. You have no idea why the pp doesn’t drink. Maybe alcoholism runs in their family. Maybe they have a liver condition. You have no idea. Incredibly time-deaf response.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband and I were talking about this. Our friends are happy to come to our house, are so happy to hang out and will say let's do this again soon. Then crickets no invitation.

We are the default hosts and it's annoying. We have cutting people off who never reciprocate and are keeping ourselves busy. No wonder loneliness is so rampant most have become takers.

Are these are friends we have known for years!

[Anonymous]

Why do you expect reciprocation? Life is not all give and take

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband and I were talking about this. Our friends are happy to come to our house, are so happy to hang out and will say let's do this again soon. Then crickets no invitation.

We are the default hosts and it's annoying. We have cutting people off who never reciprocate and are keeping ourselves busy. No wonder loneliness is so rampant most have become takers.

Are these are friends we have known for years!

I can relate to this. People love coming over. In fact, I’ve had two different friends invite themselves (and several family members) over recently. I love the company but I’ve never been a pushover so I bowed out. I host a lot and have the space so maybe that’s what it is?

People comment about my hosting for simple things like playdates but if other kids and moms are coming over, I’m going to have a nice spread. Don’t know how else to do it.

I love the holidays and had multiple events. The kids and I enjoy it and they help.

But I’m not an endless well and when work and life are busy, I’m happy to take a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t plan anything and get invited to everything. I’m just not a planner. The people who love me know this and that’s all that matters. You guys are wimps. Analyzing every little thing. Invite people or don’t. They probably don’t care as much as you think.

I can see why you’re in such high demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband and I were talking about this. Our friends are happy to come to our house, are so happy to hang out and will say let's do this again soon. Then crickets no invitation.

We are the default hosts and it's annoying. We have cutting people off who never reciprocate and are keeping ourselves busy. No wonder loneliness is so rampant most have become takers.

Are these are friends we have known for years!

I can relate to this. People love coming over. In fact, I’ve had two different friends invite themselves (and several family members) over recently. I love the company but I’ve never been a pushover so I bowed out. I host a lot and have the space so maybe that’s what it is?

People comment about my hosting for simple things like playdates but if other kids and moms are coming over, I’m going to have a nice spread. Don’t know how else to do it.

I love the holidays and had multiple events. The kids and I enjoy it and they help.

But I’m not an endless well and when work and life are busy, I’m happy to take a break.

I wish we could be friends 😜. I am the PP. My understanding is this behavior is very prevalent in DC area often I wonder what if left DC.

We are curious to see if any of our friends get the clue and invite is not that we will not be doing it for a bit.

[Anonymous]

For us, we don't have consecutive hours to host anything for you or your kid (subsequent kids' schedules, work, errands, etc) BUT that doesn't mean my kid is busy and its fine if she goes to your house to play for a few hours. Just not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

We simply cut back the hosting and or inviting those who don’t reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

So for those of you who cannot comprehend why there is no reciprocation despite many posters spelling out the issues they have, would you prefer that those of us who have hosting deficiencies just decline all of your invitations? Is that what your looking for because you are keeping score?