People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew! We used to host all sorts of parties and we cut way back.

[Anonymous]

If they are inviting only your child, I suspect that the relationship is primarily between their child and yours. Not unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are inviting only your child, I suspect that the relationship is primarily between their child and yours. Not unusual.

I don’t mind if they only my child. Great.

My comment was about people who never reciprocate at all. I’m fine if they take my kid out even if they don’t host in their home.

[Anonymous]

Some people may lack courtesy, but that doesn’t necessarily make them bad. Often, it’s just something they didn’t learn growing up. Over time, I’ve found the best way to socialize with them is through outdoor activities or meeting at restaurants where everyone covers their own bill. That said, I never exclude their kids from birthday or graduation invites.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP but this topic has been beaten to death.

[Anonymous]

How can you tell that the people who you've excommunicated feel bad? You seem a little gleeful, frankly that you exacted your form of revenge. If you want certain people in your life and you often host things, you invite them. If you don't really care about maintaining the relationship and you're annoyed at the lack of reciprocation, you don't. This isn't that hard.

[Anonymous]

The people I know who don’t reciprocate are dealing with things. Serious things like health, or mental health. Less serious things like busy careers, semi-ADHD and lacking the organizational skills to run their life smoothly. So it’s not personal to me, it’s a “them” thing.

If they’ve explained it to me then I continue inviting them as before. If not, I’ll still invite them once in a while if I enjoy their company and it’s a big “more the merrier” type of shindig. I would not invest the time in hosting a small event just for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people I know who don’t reciprocate are dealing with things. Serious things like health, or mental health. Less serious things like busy careers, semi-ADHD and lacking the organizational skills to run their life smoothly. So it’s not personal to me, it’s a “them” thing.

If they’ve explained it to me then I continue inviting them as before. If not, I’ll still invite them once in a while if I enjoy their company and it’s a big “more the merrier” type of shindig. I would not invest the time in hosting a small event just for them.

To add - for some of these people, the attending events is an obligation too. They’d rather be left alone most of the time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t care. If I want people to come to my house, it’s because I want to enjoy their company. I don’t put on fancy dinner parties, we are more the big pot of chili, pile of cornbread muffins, plenty of homemade brownies and rice Krispy treats, wine and beer type of dinners.

We have invited a group of friends for years and some don’t reciprocate. I truly don’t care at all. For me it’s not tit for tat.

If you want people to come over, invite them. If you’re only in it for the reverse invitations, then I suggest you just stop hosting.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have much to say except that I’m jealous that you have so many friends that you can afford to just cut some off.

[Anonymous]

OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people I know who don’t reciprocate are dealing with things. Serious things like health, or mental health. Less serious things like busy careers, semi-ADHD and lacking the organizational skills to run their life smoothly. So it’s not personal to me, it’s a “them” thing.

If they’ve explained it to me then I continue inviting them as before. If not, I’ll still invite them once in a while if I enjoy their company and it’s a big “more the merrier” type of shindig. I would not invest the time in hosting a small event just for them.

To add - for some of these people, the attending events is an obligation too. They’d rather be left alone most of the time.

All of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

If you are paralyzed at social events, you should try the wine. That’s honestly what it’s there for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

FYI - no one is forcing you to invite people to your home or even spend money on them. You could initiate an outing to a local event like a fall farm festival or Christmas lights, where it’s pretty understood that everyone pays their way. The point is to show that you actually want to spend time with someone vs. appearing to reluctantly accept their invites.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, so totally reasonable to preserve your mental bandwidth for important things, which socializing is not. I would never expect a single parent to host.