Better to be a never-married single mom or divorced single mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t marry a guy you know it’s not going to work out with.

People judge other people no matter what they do. It should not influence such a major life decision.

please please please do not
also, unless the dad doesn't know / you are planning on tricking him, he has rights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When i see how many women in here think they should be able to unilaterally remove men from there custody rights it makes perfect sense why children raised by single dads have better outcomes then children raised by single moms

or the self-selected group of kids raised by single dads has higher quality dads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When i see how many women in here think they should be able to unilaterally remove men from there custody rights it makes perfect sense why children raised by single dads have better outcomes then children raised by single moms

Children raised by single dads certainly do not have better outcomes then children raised by single mom, actually the opposite is true. What on earth are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When i see how many women in here think they should be able to unilaterally remove men from there custody rights it makes perfect sense why children raised by single dads have better outcomes then children raised by single moms

Children raised by single dads certainly do not have better outcomes then children raised by single mom, actually the opposite is true. What on earth are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Nothing bitter or insecure about it, unlike the single moms by choice crashing out on this thread about how much better they are than OP because they arent in a relationship. The hypocrisy is absolutely insane, and it's funny because in many (most?) places the stigma works the opposite way, so the delusions of grandeur are a bit rich.

You have continued in each of your posts to use words like "funny", "entertainment", etc. It's telling; there is absolutely nothing funny, amusing, or otherwise about OP's situation. But you don't actually mean it's funny; you are the person who uses that word as a mask to put down others. You have also, in each of your posts, made it known how much you disdain single mothers, while accusing others of the same. So a few reminders for you: there is no "stigma" to being single, as a mother or otherwise. The collective consensus of single moms on this thread isn't that OP is less than for being pregnant. It's that they are not less than either, and won't be called out for being so. Not by you, OP, or anyone else. If you had any understanding of raising children on your own, you'd get it. You don't, and continue to try to put single moms "in their place" (telling, that), while casually denigrating OP and reminding her of her "stigma". Stop it. She's considering, and is receiving in encouragement in this thread, to marry a man she's already identified as an unfit partner. That's scary. Be supportive or move on.

To all of you advising OP to get married, you need to check yourselves. Should OP give this relationship a chance? She's the only one who knows. And she can do that, and *still* marry this guy later and fulfill everyone's patriarchal needs. But legally binding herself to this guy prior to baby's birth, just to say she did? My Lord. That may reflect your "values", but be real. We all know what OP is likely headed into if she marries this guy: being trapped financially, potential abuse, maybe another baby. All for the approval of men in this world (and the women who support them). What a prize. When that happens and she's unmarried, she walks out with baby and yes, creates a custody schedule. When that happens and she's married? Good luck.

There's nothing funny about OP's situation, there is something very funny about the lack of self awareness of many of the single mom's by choice assumed superiority when that's very out of step with how the rest of the world views it. The condescension and rudeness displayed by many of them towards OP, when many of them would be looked down upon by others, is just pretty ironic and absurd. I'm sure if they exhibited some basic compassion and empathy, rather than trying to make a point of how much better they are than a single mom via failed relationship, it would go along way towards fixing that issue. Theyre the ones denigrating OP and speaking to her pretty nastily, and the argument that "I'm a single mom too and it's hard" is not a defense of that.

Is there a prize for thread derailment that you’re going for here? Literally *no one* is keeping this ‘OP vs. other single moms’ feud alive, except you. My God, let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Nothing bitter or insecure about it, unlike the single moms by choice crashing out on this thread about how much better they are than OP because they arent in a relationship. The hypocrisy is absolutely insane, and it's funny because in many (most?) places the stigma works the opposite way, so the delusions of grandeur are a bit rich.

You have continued in each of your posts to use words like "funny", "entertainment", etc. It's telling; there is absolutely nothing funny, amusing, or otherwise about OP's situation. But you don't actually mean it's funny; you are the person who uses that word as a mask to put down others. You have also, in each of your posts, made it known how much you disdain single mothers, while accusing others of the same. So a few reminders for you: there is no "stigma" to being single, as a mother or otherwise. The collective consensus of single moms on this thread isn't that OP is less than for being pregnant. It's that they are not less than either, and won't be called out for being so. Not by you, OP, or anyone else. If you had any understanding of raising children on your own, you'd get it. You don't, and continue to try to put single moms "in their place" (telling, that), while casually denigrating OP and reminding her of her "stigma". Stop it. She's considering, and is receiving in encouragement in this thread, to marry a man she's already identified as an unfit partner. That's scary. Be supportive or move on.

To all of you advising OP to get married, you need to check yourselves. Should OP give this relationship a chance? She's the only one who knows. And she can do that, and *still* marry this guy later and fulfill everyone's patriarchal needs. But legally binding herself to this guy prior to baby's birth, just to say she did? My Lord. That may reflect your "values", but be real. We all know what OP is likely headed into if she marries this guy: being trapped financially, potential abuse, maybe another baby. All for the approval of men in this world (and the women who support them). What a prize. When that happens and she's unmarried, she walks out with baby and yes, creates a custody schedule. When that happens and she's married? Good luck.

There's nothing funny about OP's situation, there is something very funny about the lack of self awareness of many of the single mom's by choice assumed superiority when that's very out of step with how the rest of the world views it. The condescension and rudeness displayed by many of them towards OP, when many of them would be looked down upon by others, is just pretty ironic and absurd. I'm sure if they exhibited some basic compassion and empathy, rather than trying to make a point of how much better they are than a single mom via failed relationship, it would go along way towards fixing that issue. Theyre the ones denigrating OP and speaking to her pretty nastily, and the argument that "I'm a single mom too and it's hard" is not a defense of that.

Is there a prize for thread derailment that you’re going for here? Literally *no one* is keeping this ‘OP vs. other single moms’ feud alive, except you. My God, let it go.

I am not the only one who is responding with this position or who called them out. But sure, once the single moms by choice stop defending their asinine, original attacks on OP (which I'm glad they seem to have at least reflected on and backtracked from) then I'm happy to move on. It was a gross display on their part, and at least they seem to have realized the error of their ways, changed tacts and are now more supportive to OP, which I'm glad to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a single mom and have not faced any stigma, nor has my children. Buy we live in a major city rather than some small town or in the Deep South. I’ve never felt any shame.

I think your race and income also matters here. I'm a single mom by choice (as in, I had the baby by myself using a sperm donor) and I feel proud of that choice, but I'm white and UMC. If I got pregnant with a boyfriend, were Black, and we broke up before the baby was born, I think I'd have different factors to think through. It's not fair at all, but that's the landscape. I don't know what OP's situation is.

This is partly what kept me from having a child on my own as a single professional Black woman.

[Anonymous]

Worse to be never married single mom. Abort op. Don’t bring a kid into that situation and in the future use birth control.

[Anonymous]

Better to be a single mom. I know it's scary, but I guarantee it wont be as bad as your imagining. It's 2025- if you live on the coasts (and maybe even if you dont) I guarantee literally no one cares or will judge you either way.

[Anonymous]

OP does he know about the pregnancy or not? If he does, your options are termination or co-parenting, married or single. Single co-parenting may be marginally easier.

If he doesn’t know you have the option to try to relocate but you’re taking a serious risk.

Pregnancy is the most dangerous time for partner violence so if you’re going to leave, research how to do so safely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'll never regret your child, but most often women regret the men. Married or unmarried.

OP I wouldn't tell your bf. Cut off all ties and go it alone. Once you involve him the child will be a yo yo and you won't have a say on who will be around your child at dad's place. Most divorced women are miserable with the poor child exchanges and toxic people around their child they can't control.

Once he knows, she can’t cut him out if he asserts rights. Also, if she does not name but ever files for state benefits, EBT, medical for SN child, etc, they will pursue paternity. Isn’t that how the dad who murdered his kid making him run on treadmill got visitation? No good answers, OP. If you move far away he may lose interest.

Presumably it will be easier for her to keep sole custody if his name is not on the birth certificate than if they get married and are guaranteed to go through the legal separation/divorce process, which will necessitate bringing up custody issues. If OP simply moves out now and disappears she could presumably make it pretty hard to track herself down, without the same legal issues as if he was a recognized parent

I agree. Down the road she can simply say she didn't want to impact his life. By that time the child will be grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worse to be never married single mom. Abort op. Don’t bring a kid into that situation and in the future use birth control.

+ 100
Bringing a baby into this world with a loving partner is stressful, let alone the situation OP is in!
OP is questioning whether it's better to be a single mom or a divorced mom. The real question is whether she needs be a mom in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better to be a single mom. I know it's scary, but I guarantee it wont be as bad as your imagining. It's 2025- if you live on the coasts (and maybe even if you dont) I guarantee literally no one cares or will judge you either way.

I used to work with many families. Honestly, the worst ones were the divorced parents and the miserable kids having to go back and forth. Then resenting steps, and more unwanted people in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t matter. No saved games.

[Anonymous]

OP you already said you can afford to have a child on your own. I don't see a reason not to. You can easily find another partner down the road because if you fight now it will be awful to be fighting about a child.