Better to be a never-married single mom or divorced single mom?

[Anonymous]

I am currently pregnant and considering my options. My partner and I fight frequently, and at this point I cannot imagine us staying together for the long term. I worry about the stigma single moms face, and feel like there is a lot more understanding and respect given to women who are divorced vs single moms who never married. Then again, it is 2025, and maybe it's not as intense as I imagine? I could afford to have the child on my own, and that seems easier/healthier to me than going through a prolonged custody dispute or having the child shuttle back and forth between parents all the time (also, partner has anger issues, which is the main reason I'm convinced separation is the best option, and why I wouldnt really want to share custody). I am really torn between continuing to try to work on everything and just calling it now and going it alone. But I'm totally terrified of the humiliation I would feel from being a single mom. I would love any input on how stigmatized single motherhood is nowadays, and whether that varies at all based on former marital status. I really dont want to be a walking pariah... then again I know divorce is its own misery.

[Anonymous]

How far along are you?

[Anonymous]

Even if you aren't married, the dad has rights. You likely aren't getting out of dealing with him or shuttling the child back and forth.

[Anonymous]

You are afraid of the wrong thing. The problem is that he is already the father and will have the same rights whether you are never married or divorced. If he wants access he will get it. Do not tie yourself further to a man with anger issues because you’re worried about some mythical “stigma”. Guess what, you are going to be a parent now and you have to put the needs of the baby first. If you were so “ashamed” of the idea of single motherhood you wouldn’t have been sleeping with someone to whom you were not married.

If this is very early and he does not know, get out now, move far away and never tell him. Do not put anything down on the birth certificate. If he does know, still move out and hopefully he will not want much contact and won’t contest you being the primary parent.

I’m a single mom with primary custody and I have a very cordial relationship with the father. No one has ever given me any kind of crap. Over the years, we have all realized that it was better never to have never married because the kids did not have to live through a divorce - we moved on to co-parenting well without the drama. If you are living in rural bumblef*ck where people say things like this, get out now and raise the kid somewhere where people don’t encourage women to stay in abusive relationships because “what will people think”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of the wrong thing. The problem is that he is already the father and will have the same rights whether you are never married or divorced. If he wants access he will get it. Do not tie yourself further to a man with anger issues because you’re worried about some mythical “stigma”. Guess what, you are going to be a parent now and you have to put the needs of the baby first. If you were so “ashamed” of the idea of single motherhood you wouldn’t have been sleeping with someone to whom you were not married.

If this is very early and he does not know, get out now, move far away and never tell him. Do not put anything down on the birth certificate. If he does know, still move out and hopefully he will not want much contact and won’t contest you being the primary parent.

I’m a single mom with primary custody and I have a very cordial relationship with the father. No one has ever given me any kind of crap. Over the years, we have all realized that it was better never to have never married because the kids did not have to live through a divorce - we moved on to co-parenting well without the drama. If you are living in rural bumblef*ck where people say things like this, get out now and raise the kid somewhere where people don’t encourage women to stay in abusive relationships because “what will people think”?

How did someone from 1885 get access to a computer and DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of the wrong thing. The problem is that he is already the father and will have the same rights whether you are never married or divorced. If he wants access he will get it. Do not tie yourself further to a man with anger issues because you’re worried about some mythical “stigma”. Guess what, you are going to be a parent now and you have to put the needs of the baby first. If you were so “ashamed” of the idea of single motherhood you wouldn’t have been sleeping with someone to whom you were not married.

If this is very early and he does not know, get out now, move far away and never tell him. Do not put anything down on the birth certificate. If he does know, still move out and hopefully he will not want much contact and won’t contest you being the primary parent.

I’m a single mom with primary custody and I have a very cordial relationship with the father. No one has ever given me any kind of crap. Over the years, we have all realized that it was better never to have never married because the kids did not have to live through a divorce - we moved on to co-parenting well without the drama. If you are living in rural bumblef*ck where people say things like this, get out now and raise the kid somewhere where people don’t encourage women to stay in abusive relationships because “what will people think”?

I actually think rural bimblef*ck is pretty understanding. It’s the UMCworld which is judgemental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of the wrong thing. The problem is that he is already the father and will have the same rights whether you are never married or divorced. If he wants access he will get it. Do not tie yourself further to a man with anger issues because you’re worried about some mythical “stigma”. Guess what, you are going to be a parent now and you have to put the needs of the baby first. If you were so “ashamed” of the idea of single motherhood you wouldn’t have been sleeping with someone to whom you were not married.

If this is very early and he does not know, get out now, move far away and never tell him. Do not put anything down on the birth certificate. If he does know, still move out and hopefully he will not want much contact and won’t contest you being the primary parent.

I’m a single mom with primary custody and I have a very cordial relationship with the father. No one has ever given me any kind of crap. Over the years, we have all realized that it was better never to have never married because the kids did not have to live through a divorce - we moved on to co-parenting well without the drama. If you are living in rural bumblef*ck where people say things like this, get out now and raise the kid somewhere where people don’t encourage women to stay in abusive relationships because “what will people think”?

How did someone from 1885 get access to a computer and DCUM?

Incorrect. I’m from 2025, it’s OP who is living in 1885 with the ideas of “shame”. If that is your worldview, then you need to embrace all the parts of it. We have control over our reproduction, and if you cannot fathom the idea of becoming pregnant in certain circumstances, you avoid those circumstances. If you live with the idea that sex is something that you enjoy and want to participate in, you have to be prepared to respond to an unanticipated pregnancy because no birth control is 100%.

[Anonymous]

How old are you and why don’t you understand how child custody works? If the father knows you are pregnant, you can’t just go it alone. You are not choosing to be a single mother by choice. The father has rights, including 50% physical and legal custody if he wants it. If you are early enough in your pregnancy that you can still have an abortion, that is something that you can do on your own. If you get beyond that window, you cannot act unilaterally without risking legal problems or possibly losing your own custody.

[Anonymous]

Other people are going to judge your choices no matter what you do. Married, single, one kid, none/several, WOHM/SAHM... Be an adult and make the decision that's best for you and yours and let other people have their crappy take. What other people think of you is none of your business. If you live somewhere that hasn't caught on to that yet, move.

Single moms get judged before anyone bothers to ask why we're single. Married women often see single moms as a threat, as if we're actively looking for a (new) partner. They don't care if we had one previously and divorced or chose single motherhood from the jump. We are single now, and that's the thing they're judging. While I suppose the mate-poaching thing does happen, most of the single moms I know (and definitely the one I am) are not at all interested. We're too busy focusing on our kids. But, again, those who will judge will judge. They're not going to take the time to chat you up about it either, as the specifics don't really make much of a difference to them. Thank them for revealing their true colors, and ignore them.

What you need to be worried about here is custody and support. As pps upthread pointed out: it's his kid whether you're married or not. Not having to file for a divorce may save you some trouble, but he can drag you to court about custody (and, if he's an argumentative type, he probably will). And while you say you can pay for your child's needs alone, child support would be something your child (not you) was entitled to. Although, again, there's another thing to argue about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and why don’t you understand how child custody works? If the father knows you are pregnant, you can’t just go it alone. You are not choosing to be a single mother by choice. The father has rights, including 50% physical and legal custody if he wants it. If you are early enough in your pregnancy that you can still have an abortion, that is something that you can do on your own. If you get beyond that window, you cannot act unilaterally without risking legal problems or possibly losing your own custody.

This. If your moral/ethical configuration allows for it, and you have access, opting out of this whole scenario might be your future's best option.

[Anonymous]

I’m a single mom and have not faced any stigma, nor has my children. Buy we live in a major city rather than some small town or in the Deep South. I’ve never felt any shame.

[Anonymous]

If “what will people think” is your north star and guiding principle in life, you are f-ed.

Regardless, not marrying this guy won’t change anything related to custody, your child shuttling back and forth, etc unless your partner doesn’t know you are pregnant and you don’t plan to tell him.

[Anonymous]

There is no way you don't know that you don't get to keep the child form the father. Yet, you seem to know so much about single mothers. Get out of the marriage and be ready for shared custody.

[Anonymous]

Very few people are going to know whether you were never married or are divorced. Divorce is expensive and time consuming. Don’t get married.

Do discuss custody and child support ahead of the birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of the wrong thing. The problem is that he is already the father and will have the same rights whether you are never married or divorced. If he wants access he will get it. Do not tie yourself further to a man with anger issues because you’re worried about some mythical “stigma”. Guess what, you are going to be a parent now and you have to put the needs of the baby first. If you were so “ashamed” of the idea of single motherhood you wouldn’t have been sleeping with someone to whom you were not married.

If this is very early and he does not know, get out now, move far away and never tell him. Do not put anything down on the birth certificate. If he does know, still move out and hopefully he will not want much contact and won’t contest you being the primary parent.

I’m a single mom with primary custody and I have a very cordial relationship with the father. No one has ever given me any kind of crap. Over the years, we have all realized that it was better never to have never married because the kids did not have to live through a divorce - we moved on to co-parenting well without the drama. If you are living in rural bumblef*ck where people say things like this, get out now and raise the kid somewhere where people don’t encourage women to stay in abusive relationships because “what will people think”?

How did someone from 1885 get access to a computer and DCUM?

Incorrect. I’m from 2025, it’s OP who is living in 1885 with the ideas of “shame”. If that is your worldview, then you need to embrace all the parts of it. We have control over our reproduction, and if you cannot fathom the idea of becoming pregnant in certain circumstances, you avoid those circumstances. If you live with the idea that sex is something that you enjoy and want to participate in, you have to be prepared to respond to an unanticipated pregnancy because no birth control is 100%.

We really dont. Birth control fails all the time, and in many states in the US getting a viable abortion is basically impossible. You seem to be someone with a very rigid, almost Puritanical worldview, like some kind of caricature of a southern baptist. Maybe you grew up in rural bumf**k and that's why her concerns about judgement struck such a chord with you (you certainly talk like you did). But in 2025, most (educated) people dont have such a wildly judgemental and harsh view of pregnancy. Saying ANYONE who consents to sex should automatically be prepared for pregnancy is legit insane.