Better to be a never-married single mom or divorced single mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone told me when you give birth don't put dad on the birth certificate so you retain more rights.

Only until he requests a paternity test and establishes that he is the father. It's not a long-term solution.

And if the father alleges parental alienation, mom can lose custody. It’s a MR thing, only works one way. But a judge may see this scenario very negatively. It seemed clear from OP that he knows about the baby.

[Anonymous]

One tells me you failed at obtaining commitment, and the other tells me you failed at your marriage. Neither one is necessarily better than the other, and "SMBC" comes across as being a cope.

It's better to be neither.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I really dont want to be a walking pariah

Lol. As I drop my lovely DD off at her NWDC private and head into my C-suite job, I’m going to remember that this lady with an oops pregnancy from an angry boyfriend called me a “walking pariah”. Keep it classy, OP.

Amazing that someone can whine about being looked down upon while mocking a young woman in vulnerable circumstances asking for help. I guess it's a rude awakening that yes, many people will still view you with disdain when you're a single mom, no matter what kind of private school you bought your way into (and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance). The harsh reality of that seems to be really upsetting many single moms in this thread which, if anything, makes it highly entertaining to watch.

You seem bitter and insecure. Advice get a job, get your ducks in a row and leave your DH, security is an illusion, better to be the dumper than the dumpee.

[Anonymous]

My friend got out of an abusive marriage and I was so glad she got out. People who care about you want you to be ok. And other people probably won't think about it much anyway.

[Anonymous]

I must be old fashioned but I would prefer to be married when I have the baby. I think it would matter to the child that his parents were married vs his mom got pregnant from the dad.

I once dated a guy whose father was never married to his mother. He was the illegitimate child. I know it bothered him. His dad had another family. It was complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of the wrong thing. The problem is that he is already the father and will have the same rights whether you are never married or divorced. If he wants access he will get it. Do not tie yourself further to a man with anger issues because you’re worried about some mythical “stigma”. Guess what, you are going to be a parent now and you have to put the needs of the baby first. If you were so “ashamed” of the idea of single motherhood you wouldn’t have been sleeping with someone to whom you were not married.

If this is very early and he does not know, get out now, move far away and never tell him. Do not put anything down on the birth certificate. If he does know, still move out and hopefully he will not want much contact and won’t contest you being the primary parent.

I’m a single mom with primary custody and I have a very cordial relationship with the father. No one has ever given me any kind of crap. Over the years, we have all realized that it was better never to have never married because the kids did not have to live through a divorce - we moved on to co-parenting well without the drama. If you are living in rural bumblef*ck where people say things like this, get out now and raise the kid somewhere where people don’t encourage women to stay in abusive relationships because “what will people think”?

How did someone from 1885 get access to a computer and DCUM?

I heart you, PP. Thanks for that!

[Anonymous]

You may get stuck in a custody dispute either way - married or not. I did. But not being married to my kids father meant custody is the ONLY thing we were in court over. We didn’t also have to get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must be old fashioned but I would prefer to be married when I have the baby. I think it would matter to the child that his parents were married vs his mom got pregnant from the dad.

I once dated a guy whose father was never married to his mother. He was the illegitimate child. I know it bothered him. His dad had another family. It was complicated.

This stigma did exist for many years. I don’t really think it’s much of a stigma anymore.

To the OP - do not entangle yourself further to a man to whom you do not want to be entangled. You will then have to worry about your own savings, car, home, etc. Just go on from here. I am divorced and have three kids. I never say I am a divorced mom, always a single mom. No one asks the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I really dont want to be a walking pariah

Lol. As I drop my lovely DD off at her NWDC private and head into my C-suite job, I’m going to remember that this lady with an oops pregnancy from an angry boyfriend called me a “walking pariah”. Keep it classy, OP.

Amazing that someone can whine about being looked down upon while mocking a young woman in vulnerable circumstances asking for help. I guess it's a rude awakening that yes, many people will still view you with disdain when you're a single mom, no matter what kind of private school you bought your way into (and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance). The harsh reality of that seems to be really upsetting many single moms in this thread which, if anything, makes it highly entertaining to watch.

You seem bitter and insecure. Advice get a job, get your ducks in a row and leave your DH, security is an illusion, better to be the dumper than the dumpee.

Nothing bitter or insecure about it, unlike the single moms by choice crashing out on this thread about how much better they are than OP because they arent in a relationship. The hypocrisy is absolutely insane, and it's funny because in many (most?) places the stigma works the opposite way, so the delusions of grandeur are a bit rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I really dont want to be a walking pariah

Lol. As I drop my lovely DD off at her NWDC private and head into my C-suite job, I’m going to remember that this lady with an oops pregnancy from an angry boyfriend called me a “walking pariah”. Keep it classy, OP.

Amazing that someone can whine about being looked down upon while mocking a young woman in vulnerable circumstances asking for help. I guess it's a rude awakening that yes, many people will still view you with disdain when you're a single mom, no matter what kind of private school you bought your way into (and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance). The harsh reality of that seems to be really upsetting many single moms in this thread which, if anything, makes it highly entertaining to watch.

You seem bitter and insecure. Advice get a job, get your ducks in a row and leave your DH, security is an illusion, better to be the dumper than the dumpee.

Nothing bitter or insecure about it, unlike the single moms by choice crashing out on this thread about how much better they are than OP because they arent in a relationship. The hypocrisy is absolutely insane, and it's funny because in many (most?) places the stigma works the opposite way, so the delusions of grandeur are a bit rich.

NP. Are you autistic? Because you seem bizarrely stuck on the same stupid argument. Can’t imagine you’re not a walking pariah, as OP put it, in real life.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read the thread. Better to be a widow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read the thread. Better to be a widow.

Only if you don't get caught.

[Anonymous]

Nothing bitter or insecure about it, unlike the single moms by choice crashing out on this thread about how much better they are than OP because they arent in a relationship. The hypocrisy is absolutely insane, and it's funny because in many (most?) places the stigma works the opposite way, so the delusions of grandeur are a bit rich.

You have continued in each of your posts to use words like "funny", "entertainment", etc. It's telling; there is absolutely nothing funny, amusing, or otherwise about OP's situation. But you don't actually mean it's funny; you are the person who uses that word as a mask to put down others. You have also, in each of your posts, made it known how much you disdain single mothers, while accusing others of the same. So a few reminders for you: there is no "stigma" to being single, as a mother or otherwise. The collective consensus of single moms on this thread isn't that OP is less than for being pregnant. It's that they are not less than either, and won't be called out for being so. Not by you, OP, or anyone else. If you had any understanding of raising children on your own, you'd get it. You don't, and continue to try to put single moms "in their place" (telling, that), while casually denigrating OP and reminding her of her "stigma". Stop it. She's considering, and is receiving in encouragement in this thread, to marry a man she's already identified as an unfit partner. That's scary. Be supportive or move on.

To all of you advising OP to get married, you need to check yourselves. Should OP give this relationship a chance? She's the only one who knows. And she can do that, and *still* marry this guy later and fulfill everyone's patriarchal needs. But legally binding herself to this guy prior to baby's birth, just to say she did? My Lord. That may reflect your "values", but be real. We all know what OP is likely headed into if she marries this guy: being trapped financially, potential abuse, maybe another baby. All for the approval of men in this world (and the women who support them). What a prize. When that happens and she's unmarried, she walks out with baby and yes, creates a custody schedule. When that happens and she's married? Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Nothing bitter or insecure about it, unlike the single moms by choice crashing out on this thread about how much better they are than OP because they arent in a relationship. The hypocrisy is absolutely insane, and it's funny because in many (most?) places the stigma works the opposite way, so the delusions of grandeur are a bit rich.

You have continued in each of your posts to use words like "funny", "entertainment", etc. It's telling; there is absolutely nothing funny, amusing, or otherwise about OP's situation. But you don't actually mean it's funny; you are the person who uses that word as a mask to put down others. You have also, in each of your posts, made it known how much you disdain single mothers, while accusing others of the same. So a few reminders for you: there is no "stigma" to being single, as a mother or otherwise. The collective consensus of single moms on this thread isn't that OP is less than for being pregnant. It's that they are not less than either, and won't be called out for being so. Not by you, OP, or anyone else. If you had any understanding of raising children on your own, you'd get it. You don't, and continue to try to put single moms "in their place" (telling, that), while casually denigrating OP and reminding her of her "stigma". Stop it. She's considering, and is receiving in encouragement in this thread, to marry a man she's already identified as an unfit partner. That's scary. Be supportive or move on.

To all of you advising OP to get married, you need to check yourselves. Should OP give this relationship a chance? She's the only one who knows. And she can do that, and *still* marry this guy later and fulfill everyone's patriarchal needs. But legally binding herself to this guy prior to baby's birth, just to say she did? My Lord. That may reflect your "values", but be real. We all know what OP is likely headed into if she marries this guy: being trapped financially, potential abuse, maybe another baby. All for the approval of men in this world (and the women who support them). What a prize. When that happens and she's unmarried, she walks out with baby and yes, creates a custody schedule. When that happens and she's married? Good luck.

There's nothing funny about OP's situation, there is something very funny about the lack of self awareness of many of the single mom's by choice assumed superiority when that's very out of step with how the rest of the world views it. The condescension and rudeness displayed by many of them towards OP, when many of them would be looked down upon by others, is just pretty ironic and absurd. I'm sure if they exhibited some basic compassion and empathy, rather than trying to make a point of how much better they are than a single mom via failed relationship, it would go along way towards fixing that issue. Theyre the ones denigrating OP and speaking to her pretty nastily, and the argument that "I'm a single mom too and it's hard" is not a defense of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I really dont want to be a walking pariah

Lol. As I drop my lovely DD off at her NWDC private and head into my C-suite job, I’m going to remember that this lady with an oops pregnancy from an angry boyfriend called me a “walking pariah”. Keep it classy, OP.

Amazing that someone can whine about being looked down upon while mocking a young woman in vulnerable circumstances asking for help. I guess it's a rude awakening that yes, many people will still view you with disdain when you're a single mom, no matter what kind of private school you bought your way into (and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance). The harsh reality of that seems to be really upsetting many single moms in this thread which, if anything, makes it highly entertaining to watch.

You seem bitter and insecure. Advice get a job, get your ducks in a row and leave your DH, security is an illusion, better to be the dumper than the dumpee.

Nothing bitter or insecure about it, unlike the single moms by choice crashing out on this thread about how much better they are than OP because they arent in a relationship. The hypocrisy is absolutely insane, and it's funny because in many (most?) places the stigma works the opposite way, so the delusions of grandeur are a bit rich.

NP. Are you autistic? Because you seem bizarrely stuck on the same stupid argument. Can’t imagine you’re not a walking pariah, as OP put it, in real life.

Why is "are you autistic?" the go to insult when someone on here has nothing else to say? Is it some kind of bizarre projection since so many of you on here seem to be utterly socially incompetent? Or is it just a kind of mean attempt to even the score when you feel your ego has been dinged? Either way, it's 2025- definitely not a good look (and a revealer of your age, tbh)