Better to be a never-married single mom or divorced single mom?

[Anonymous]

You will be fine. Men are desperate these days. Women go after the same select group of men. The ones women aren't competing over are going to be your best bet. These men won't care about you being a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid of the wrong thing. The problem is that he is already the father and will have the same rights whether you are never married or divorced. If he wants access he will get it. Do not tie yourself further to a man with anger issues because you’re worried about some mythical “stigma”. Guess what, you are going to be a parent now and you have to put the needs of the baby first. If you were so “ashamed” of the idea of single motherhood you wouldn’t have been sleeping with someone to whom you were not married.

If this is very early and he does not know, get out now, move far away and never tell him. Do not put anything down on the birth certificate. If he does know, still move out and hopefully he will not want much contact and won’t contest you being the primary parent.

I’m a single mom with primary custody and I have a very cordial relationship with the father. No one has ever given me any kind of crap. Over the years, we have all realized that it was better never to have never married because the kids did not have to live through a divorce - we moved on to co-parenting well without the drama. If you are living in rural bumblef*ck where people say things like this, get out now and raise the kid somewhere where people don’t encourage women to stay in abusive relationships because “what will people think”?

I actually think rural bimblef*ck is pretty understanding. It’s the UMCworld which is judgemental.

Having recently moved from a big city to a rural town, I am finding this to be completely true.

[Anonymous]

Can you not have the child?

[Anonymous]

I’d say both are one in the same.

[Anonymous]

Never married mom has a home field advantage if you want to be the default parent.

Only advantage to divorce was dealing with judgmental busy bodies.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t marry a guy you know it’s not going to work out with.

People judge other people no matter what they do. It should not influence such a major life decision.

[Anonymous]

Your partner has anger issues. It's going to break your heart in a few years when he takes his anger out on your kid.

I'm a single mom and it's really fine. The only people who care are keyboard warriors online, and most of them are teenage boys or bored housewives (so people whose opinions don't really matter). Nobody cares in real life.

Even dating is fine - a handful of men I went on dates with didn't want to pursue anything after they found out I had kids, but that was because they wanted someone who could travel with them frequently. They were all very polite about it. Most men didn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t marry a guy you know it’s not going to work out with.

People judge other people no matter what they do. It should not influence such a major life decision.

+1000. I didn't figure this out until I was 40, wish I had sooner. People will always judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t marry a guy you know it’s not going to work out with.

People judge other people no matter what they do. It should not influence such a major life decision.

+1000. I didn't figure this out until I was 40, wish I had sooner. People will always judge.

Yeah, and people will also judge women in toxic relationships. People totally judge and pull the "why didn't she leave earlier?" or "why didn't she protect her kids?" as much as they do the "why is she a single mom?" judgement. They will judge and look down on you if you ever come out and talk about how badly he treated you during the divorce, say you "both sound toxic", etc. They will judge when they hear him raise his voice to you in public. Bottom line: women will always be judged no matter what. Might as well do what works for you.

[Anonymous]

I’m a divorced mom of two. Sometimes I wish I had been a single mom. It’s MUCH easier to repartner. Men don’t want to deal with shared custody, an ex, etc. Just you and the kid will make your life light years easier.

If you can get out, get out.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a SMBC, I empathize with your situation and I wish you the best. But kindly, consider that the judgment and misogyny that you fear facing are as internal as they are external. Calling being a single mom “humiliating“ is pretty rich coming from someone knocked up by a boyfriend. As a PP upthread pointed out, if this kind of thinking is your Northstar in life, you’ve got some work to do. And being blunt, I suggest you get on it.

Marrying your guy would be a catastrophic mistake based on what you’ve said, and doing so to keep the neighbors happy is a glaring indictment of your judgment. So being a single mom by choice is your best bet, and while it’s not for the faint of heart, humiliating is the last word that I would use to describe it. I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a SMBC, I empathize with your situation and I wish you the best. But kindly, consider that the judgment and misogyny that you fear facing are as internal as they are external. Calling being a single mom “humiliating“ is pretty rich coming from someone knocked up by a boyfriend. As a PP upthread pointed out, if this kind of thinking is your Northstar in life, you’ve got some work to do. And being blunt, I suggest you get on it.

Marrying your guy would be a catastrophic mistake based on what you’ve said, and doing so to keep the neighbors happy is a glaring indictment of your judgment. So being a single mom by choice is your best bet, and while it’s not for the faint of heart, humiliating is the last word that I would use to describe it. I wish you luck.

I dont think there's anything wrong with OP recognizing the stigma that single moms often *do* face in our society, nor venting about her own fears as she realizes, one way or another, she's going to become one. There seem to be a number of very reactionary, somewhat triggered single moms in this thread, who, instead of offering empathy and support, seem to be personally offended by the OP's dilemma, rather than finding solidarity. It's very bizarre behavior.

[Anonymous]

I really dont want to be a walking pariah

Lol. As I drop my lovely DD off at her NWDC private and head into my C-suite job, I’m going to remember that this lady with an oops pregnancy from an angry boyfriend called me a “walking pariah”. Keep it classy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a SMBC, I empathize with your situation and I wish you the best. But kindly, consider that the judgment and misogyny that you fear facing are as internal as they are external. Calling being a single mom “humiliating“ is pretty rich coming from someone knocked up by a boyfriend. As a PP upthread pointed out, if this kind of thinking is your Northstar in life, you’ve got some work to do. And being blunt, I suggest you get on it.

Marrying your guy would be a catastrophic mistake based on what you’ve said, and doing so to keep the neighbors happy is a glaring indictment of your judgment. So being a single mom by choice is your best bet, and while it’s not for the faint of heart, humiliating is the last word that I would use to describe it. I wish you luck.

I dont think there's anything wrong with OP recognizing the stigma that single moms often *do* face in our society, nor venting about her own fears as she realizes, one way or another, she's going to become one. There seem to be a number of very reactionary, somewhat triggered single moms in this thread, who, instead of offering empathy and support, seem to be personally offended by the OP's dilemma, rather than finding solidarity. It's very bizarre behavior.

There’s nothing bizarre about it, and your suggestion is irritating gaslighting. Single moms work extraordinarily hard keeping the trains running on time. That is not to suggest that married moms don’t, because that will be your response. But using words like “humiliating“ and “pariah“ are insulting. OP is worried about what others are going to think and seems to be ignoring her own internal sense of shame about this issue. While that’s understandable, sister needs to grow up. Having a baby is when it’s time to put down the Ben & Jerry’s and get your act together. And anyone who’s had kids knows this. While this all may sound harsh to you, and I imagine you’re not a single mom so you probably don’t get it, those of us who are, do. You may not understand our tough love…that also means you don’t understand our situations. All of us are rooting for OP. There’s nobody who is more supportive of a single mom than other single moms. But we don’t cotton to people putting us down. And neither should OP. If she has this baby, she needs to keep her head high. Because that’s what you model for your kids. Hope that helps you understand the “bizarre“ response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a SMBC, I empathize with your situation and I wish you the best. But kindly, consider that the judgment and misogyny that you fear facing are as internal as they are external. Calling being a single mom “humiliating“ is pretty rich coming from someone knocked up by a boyfriend. As a PP upthread pointed out, if this kind of thinking is your Northstar in life, you’ve got some work to do. And being blunt, I suggest you get on it.

Marrying your guy would be a catastrophic mistake based on what you’ve said, and doing so to keep the neighbors happy is a glaring indictment of your judgment. So being a single mom by choice is your best bet, and while it’s not for the faint of heart, humiliating is the last word that I would use to describe it. I wish you luck.

I dont think there's anything wrong with OP recognizing the stigma that single moms often *do* face in our society, nor venting about her own fears as she realizes, one way or another, she's going to become one. There seem to be a number of very reactionary, somewhat triggered single moms in this thread, who, instead of offering empathy and support, seem to be personally offended by the OP's dilemma, rather than finding solidarity. It's very bizarre behavior.

There’s nothing bizarre about it, and your suggestion is irritating gaslighting. Single moms work extraordinarily hard keeping the trains running on time. That is not to suggest that married moms don’t, because that will be your response. But using words like “humiliating“ and “pariah“ are insulting. OP is worried about what others are going to think and seems to be ignoring her own internal sense of shame about this issue. While that’s understandable, sister needs to grow up. Having a baby is when it’s time to put down the Ben & Jerry’s and get your act together. And anyone who’s had kids knows this. While this all may sound harsh to you, and I imagine you’re not a single mom so you probably don’t get it, those of us who are, do. You may not understand our tough love…that also means you don’t understand our situations. All of us are rooting for OP. There’s nobody who is more supportive of a single mom than other single moms. But we don’t cotton to people putting us down. And neither should OP. If she has this baby, she needs to keep her head high. Because that’s what you model for your kids. Hope that helps you understand the “bizarre“ response.

No one is saying they don't? Again, this seems like much more of a personal, knee jerk, emotional reaction to stigma you yourself have experienced of not feeling appreciated as a single mom (which, actually, kind of proves OP's point and the validity of her question) rather than OP implying there's anything bad or lazy or whatever about being a single mom. She was simply asking about the reaction she may face to others, and while I completely get the frustration on your part, as it seems you don't feel appreciated in your role as a single mom, her fears are entirely valid. Even the fact that youre ranting about not getting the support or recognition you wanted, with bizarre asides about "putting the Ben and Jerry's down" (?????), proves that there is indeed a stigma and certain frustrations that come with single motherhood, that divorced moms may not face to the same extent. I think a little bit of inner reflection + empathy and less emotional reactivity would be a very wise idea.