Better to be a never-married single mom or divorced single mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I really dont want to be a walking pariah

Lol. As I drop my lovely DD off at her NWDC private and head into my C-suite job, I’m going to remember that this lady with an oops pregnancy from an angry boyfriend called me a “walking pariah”. Keep it classy, OP.

Amazing that someone can whine about being looked down upon while mocking a young woman in vulnerable circumstances asking for help. I guess it's a rude awakening that yes, many people will still view you with disdain when you're a single mom, no matter what kind of private school you bought your way into (and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance). The harsh reality of that seems to be really upsetting many single moms in this thread which, if anything, makes it highly entertaining to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I really dont want to be a walking pariah

Lol. As I drop my lovely DD off at her NWDC private and head into my C-suite job, I’m going to remember that this lady with an oops pregnancy from an angry boyfriend called me a “walking pariah”. Keep it classy, OP.

Amazing that someone can whine about being looked down upon while mocking a young woman in vulnerable circumstances asking for help. I guess it's a rude awakening that yes, many people will still view you with disdain when you're a single mom, no matter what kind of private school you bought your way into (and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance). The harsh reality of that seems to be really upsetting many single moms in this thread which, if anything, makes it highly entertaining to watch.

And yet this is “entertainment” to you. People always reveal themselves don’t they?

The only people disdainful of single moms are people with poor values (you’re a great example), or people who have not sorted through their own issues. The point of these posts is that in OP’s position, she needs to get her head right pretty quickly in the face of this pregnancy. Because side skirmishes in these types of threads are incredibly irritating, I would ask you to return the conversation back to the original poster who is requesting help. That’s what you’re so worried about right?

To the OP: the consensus on this threat is that women are judged. This is just true. Whether they work outside of the home, stay at home, are married, single, or otherwise. This is just the way the world works, most unfortunately. Your present circumstances are not predictive of a peaceful home for you and your child. Mothers need support, period. The best pathway forward is for you to consider who your community will be because you will need one. Above all, remember that while message boards like this can be feisty, a unifying factor is that we all care about our children, no matter what our origin story is. If you allow that to continue to guide you, your decisions will likely follow suit. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I really dont want to be a walking pariah

Lol. As I drop my lovely DD off at her NWDC private and head into my C-suite job, I’m going to remember that this lady with an oops pregnancy from an angry boyfriend called me a “walking pariah”. Keep it classy, OP.

Amazing that someone can whine about being looked down upon while mocking a young woman in vulnerable circumstances asking for help. I guess it's a rude awakening that yes, many people will still view you with disdain when you're a single mom, no matter what kind of private school you bought your way into (and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance). The harsh reality of that seems to be really upsetting many single moms in this thread which, if anything, makes it highly entertaining to watch.

And yet this is “entertainment” to you. People always reveal themselves don’t they?

The only people disdainful of single moms are people with poor values (you’re a great example), or people who have not sorted through their own issues. The point of these posts is that in OP’s position, she needs to get her head right pretty quickly in the face of this pregnancy. Because side skirmishes in these types of threads are incredibly irritating, I would ask you to return the conversation back to the original poster who is requesting help. That’s what you’re so worried about right?

To the OP: the consensus on this threat is that women are judged. This is just true. Whether they work outside of the home, stay at home, are married, single, or otherwise. This is just the way the world works, most unfortunately. Your present circumstances are not predictive of a peaceful home for you and your child. Mothers need support, period. The best pathway forward is for you to consider who your community will be because you will need one. Above all, remember that while message boards like this can be feisty, a unifying factor is that we all care about our children, no matter what our origin story is. If you allow that to continue to guide you, your decisions will likely follow suit. Best of luck to you.

No, plenty of people are dismissive/disdainful of single moms for various reasons, yourself notwithstanding considering you made a post mocking OP for getting herself "knocked up" by a bad guy. So it's funny... you apply a huge stigma to single moms who have to leave a toxic relationship, but clutch your pearls in shock whenever someone judges YOU for having the same status. The lack of self awareness, and double standard you hold to yourself and others is just an absolute laugh. And yes, it is entertaining when someone reveals themselves to be so perpetually and deeply unselfaware, like a broke person who mocks other people for not having money, or an extremely physically unattractive person who mocks people for being ugly, not realizing theyre in the same boat. The blatant hypocrisy and sheer lack of self awareness is grade A comedy.

And then sure, I'll give a message to OP: ultimately you have to decide what you want to do. As this thread proves, you'll face stigmas and judgement either way, even from women you assume should empathize with you and give you support. So ultimately, do whatever is best for you. I havent experienced divorce myself but I have friends who have and it's extremely difficult- but then again, the third trimester and period after giving birth is difficult too, and if your partner is your only support system I can understand the need to have them around. Ultimately, you have to choose what is best for you, and only you can know what that is.

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced single mom and I haven't experienced any stigma or issues from others about being single mom. The problem is I'm tied for life to an abuser/lazy, crap parent and "co-parenting" is a nightmare. I wish I were a single mom by choice with no abusive a-hole screwing up the kids in the picture.

[Anonymous]

You'll never regret your child, but most often women regret the men. Married or unmarried.

OP I wouldn't tell your bf. Cut off all ties and go it alone. Once you involve him the child will be a yo yo and you won't have a say on who will be around your child at dad's place. Most divorced women are miserable with the poor child exchanges and toxic people around their child they can't control.

[Anonymous]

and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance

Wow, you really are not a good person. What an ugly thing to say, jfc. Of note, you’re exactly the type of person whose opinion OP fears. But good for you for proving why she shouldn’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance

Wow, you really are not a good person. What an ugly thing to say, jfc. Of note, you’re exactly the type of person whose opinion OP fears. But good for you for proving why she shouldn’t care.

But I mean, after you made some really mocking and nasty posts directed towards the OP's fairly distressing life situation, how can you possible morally grandstand and act so outraged when you get the same treatment? That's what baffling. In many cultures around the world, a single mom by choice may be judged much more harshly than a divorced mom. Maybe that's not the case wherever you are, but in many places, a single mom by choice may be interpreted as being unable to maintain relationships, lacking interpersonal skills, etc. I'm not even saying I agree with that or trying to direct that at you, but the incredibly smug incredulity you expressed that "How could OP EVER think theyre better than me when they got themselves into this position?" is so deeply hypocritical and condescending that it almost boggles the mind. And maybe when you can understand that others don't necessarily share the same opinion you have, and could judge you just as harshly, maybe you won't come into a thread with such condescension towards a young woman clearly going through a horrible time and needing some empathy.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm a single mom (15 years and going). Never married to my child's father and he was also abusive.

I am honestly too busy caring for my child to worry about any kind of stigma. Who cares!!! No one else is paying my bills or helping so their opinion doesn't matter one bit. That being said, I would much rather do this on my own than with a partner who is abusive. Things were/are hard, but they would be SO MUCH worse if I had to worry about some as888le being in my way.

[Anonymous]

My cousin's ex husband made her life hell through their daughter. He's demand time with their kids and then not show up, so my cousin couldn't plan anything, but he'd run to the court to deny vacations to visit my aunt's family. He once dropped off the kids suddenly when my cousin was at work and then called the cops when she wasn't home claiming she'd abandoned them. The guy was a psycho and the judge kept scolding my cousin about "parental alienation". The kids hated him because he was a jerk to them, not anything my cousin did.

He was the one who cheated, BTW, but he still lost his mind when she filed for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance

Wow, you really are not a good person. What an ugly thing to say, jfc. Of note, you’re exactly the type of person whose opinion OP fears. But good for you for proving why she shouldn’t care.

But I mean, after you made some really mocking and nasty posts directed towards the OP's fairly distressing life situation, how can you possible morally grandstand and act so outraged when you get the same treatment? That's what baffling. In many cultures around the world, a single mom by choice may be judged much more harshly than a divorced mom. Maybe that's not the case wherever you are, but in many places, a single mom by choice may be interpreted as being unable to maintain relationships, lacking interpersonal skills, etc. I'm not even saying I agree with that or trying to direct that at you, but the incredibly smug incredulity you expressed that "How could OP EVER think theyre better than me when they got themselves into this position?" is so deeply hypocritical and condescending that it almost boggles the mind. And maybe when you can understand that others don't necessarily share the same opinion you have, and could judge you just as harshly, maybe you won't come into a thread with such condescension towards a young woman clearly going through a horrible time and needing some empathy.

Stop. You’re looking for a fight and this thread is about OP. Poster upthread who objected to being called a walking pariah probably did knee-jerk react. Would you appreciate that term? And you snidely suggesting that parents at second poster’s private are looking down on her for being single is awful and grossly classist. Women do not need more judgment, single moms especially. Contribute to the thread for OP or leave it alone (and stop insulting single moms in general, who are not your “entertainment”).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if you aren't married, the dad has rights. You likely aren't getting out of dealing with him or shuttling the child back and forth.

This. Moving far away can help, do you have family who can be a support network? If in same place he will get 50/50 from birth if asks for it.

Try counseling, Gottman approach is evidence based.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

and, friendly reminder, just because you paid for entry to the school, certainly doesn't mean youre accepted by the other parents there or treated with the same level of regard/acceptance

Wow, you really are not a good person. What an ugly thing to say, jfc. Of note, you’re exactly the type of person whose opinion OP fears. But good for you for proving why she shouldn’t care.

But I mean, after you made some really mocking and nasty posts directed towards the OP's fairly distressing life situation, how can you possible morally grandstand and act so outraged when you get the same treatment? That's what baffling. In many cultures around the world, a single mom by choice may be judged much more harshly than a divorced mom. Maybe that's not the case wherever you are, but in many places, a single mom by choice may be interpreted as being unable to maintain relationships, lacking interpersonal skills, etc. I'm not even saying I agree with that or trying to direct that at you, but the incredibly smug incredulity you expressed that "How could OP EVER think theyre better than me when they got themselves into this position?" is so deeply hypocritical and condescending that it almost boggles the mind. And maybe when you can understand that others don't necessarily share the same opinion you have, and could judge you just as harshly, maybe you won't come into a thread with such condescension towards a young woman clearly going through a horrible time and needing some empathy.

Stop. You’re looking for a fight and this thread is about OP. Poster upthread who objected to being called a walking pariah probably did knee-jerk react. Would you appreciate that term? And you snidely suggesting that parents at second poster’s private are looking down on her for being single is awful and grossly classist. Women do not need more judgment, single moms especially. Contribute to the thread for OP or leave it alone (and stop insulting single moms in general, who are not your “entertainment”).

Completely agree, which is why all the single moms who came into this thread bashing OP for her situation are so wrong and deserve to get it right back. I hope this thread can move into a more productive direction rather than smug "C-suite level" single moms mocking OP for being in a bad relationship. What a truly bizarre and pathetic display of internalized misogyny

[Anonymous]

OP your first most important job is having a great father.

You are already a failed mom.

-- born to a single unwed mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'll never regret your child, but most often women regret the men. Married or unmarried.

OP I wouldn't tell your bf. Cut off all ties and go it alone. Once you involve him the child will be a yo yo and you won't have a say on who will be around your child at dad's place. Most divorced women are miserable with the poor child exchanges and toxic people around their child they can't control.

Once he knows, she can’t cut him out if he asserts rights. Also, if she does not name but ever files for state benefits, EBT, medical for SN child, etc, they will pursue paternity. Isn’t that how the dad who murdered his kid making him run on treadmill got visitation? No good answers, OP. If you move far away he may lose interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm a single mom (15 years and going). Never married to my child's father and he was also abusive.

I am honestly too busy caring for my child to worry about any kind of stigma. Who cares!!! No one else is paying my bills or helping so their opinion doesn't matter one bit. That being said, I would much rather do this on my own than with a partner who is abusive. Things were/are hard, but they would be SO MUCH worse if I had to worry about some as888le being in my way.

How were you able to prevent 50/50? That is the hard part for most. An abuser uses the child as a weapon.