Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced 2 years ago after a very long marriage. My exH was always a screaming, uninvolved father with our only son. Some incidents included physical and verbal abuse, throwing him out of the house (on his 50% custody time) in winter after an argument. I was always the buffer between them two during the marriage but it would often cause contempt and further abuse. He also cheated on me with a work colleague for 5 years (an older woman). I filed for divorce when our son was in HS and was able to negotiate that dad pays for college. The divorce was acrimonious, as we were business partners and exH was not accepting my divorce paperwork for a long time. He didn't want the divorce and got ballistic when I filed. I walked out with less than half, but financially stable. I work.

ExH retained the marital house: as I was leaving the doorway and the movers were helping, he literally screamed "get out of my house!" in front of the son. After the divorce their relationship got way worse: exH said he wouldn't pay for college unless our son spends 50% with him. But on his time they would just argue all the time. Son now can compare his dad with other, better dads who visit his roommates on campus, and hates him even more. He was struggling with depression and substances abuse, but attends a good college and now seems to be doing better (I'm taking him to therapists).

Soon after the divorce dad broke up with his workplace older AP and is now dating a new woman: late 30s lady from Eastern Europe with 2 kids, 20 years younger than him. They don't live together (yet). According to divorce degree, our son should be splitting time 50/50 between parents. Recently, exH started imposing attendance of joint events with the lady on our son: Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. He never tells about the events in advance, it drops on our son's head while he's already at dad's place. Today they had a terrible argument because son doesn't want to attend the Christmas dinner with her at home. The divorce is still very fresh for him, and it's a family home where he lived with mom. My son is asking if he can spend Christmas with me instead.

I spoke to him and advised not to anger dad: this woman with 2 kids is not the worst option, better than someone never married. She has nothing to do with marriage fallout. Its better for my own financial well-being and is in my son's long term interests to maintain a good relationship with dad. Dad is all about the shiny facade in front of his social circle: he's well connected and was helping our son to get internships etc. I don't want complications with paying for college, deal courts again etc., as my exH easily becomes ballistic. I've moved on and don't care about exH's girlfriends as long as they don't birth more children.

Son still doesn't want to see her, because he feels it's really fake: dad and that woman pretending nothing had happened. Her coming to home where there were so many tears and abuse, eating at wooden table that his mom restored 6 years ago. Dad just told him he could get out of the house if he doesn't want to attend the dinner with GF). My son is very upset, and is plotting to have a big "tell all" that evening how dad was beating him etc. I am begging him not to argue with her or dad, and remain silent. Such a drama!

What shall I do? Allow my son to spend Christmas with me this year (risking to anger my exH and become sole provider to son during college), or try to persuade him to formally attend, eat well and go back to his room?

Well, if you are a troll, I give you an A for effort. Great story.

My genuine reaction is Holy $h!t lady. Your son is an adult. You are divorced from your ex. Cut all ties, figure out another path for college, and stop living under your ex's thumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

Ohhhhhkayyy. This has been fun.

I'm sure this is the plot of some classic novel/work. I'm just not sure which one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is an adult and should be making his own decisions.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

If these are irrevocable trusts, then it probably doesn't matter if your son maintains the relationship or not.

If they are revocable trusts, expect the new woman and her kids to inherit everything from your ex.

Your son should not sell his soul and put up with shitty treatment for 20 years for a potential inheritance dangled over his head.

Cool, however "If a revocable trust and a will contradict each other, the trust will generally take precedence over the will. This is because a trust is a separate legal entity that holds assets, and the will only governs assets not held in the trust"

Who said anything about a will? People change revocable trusts all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

If the agreement is 50-50 then you are the one not honoring it and if he's paying you child support he should not be paying for college. You are greedy. I hope dad does not leave the money to your son as it clear what you are up to.

You must be someone's AP, if you believe men should leave money to strangers who came to their life right at the top of their life-earned wealth. How convenient to be that late 30s lady, right?
Did you read above about 50-50? It's actually ME who is asking my son to continue honoring 50/50 for the sake of good relationship with dad and overall stability.

Well, they aren't "strangers" once they become a new wife, now are they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

If the agreement is 50-50 then you are the one not honoring it and if he's paying you child support he should not be paying for college. You are greedy. I hope dad does not leave the money to your son as it clear what you are up to.

You must be someone's AP, if you believe men should leave money to strangers who came to their life right at the top of their life-earned wealth. How convenient to be that late 30s lady, right?
Did you read above about 50-50? It's actually ME who is asking my son to continue honoring 50/50 for the sake of good relationship with dad and overall stability.

Well, they aren't "strangers" once they become a new wife, now are they?

Oh, sweetie - being a wife just makes you one year longer from a possibility of being kicked out from the same house where the prior wife lived. Particularly when there are no joint kids and you move in with your two young kids that drive the rich husband mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

If these are irrevocable trusts, then it probably doesn't matter if your son maintains the relationship or not.

If they are revocable trusts, expect the new woman and her kids to inherit everything from your ex.

Your son should not sell his soul and put up with shitty treatment for 20 years for a potential inheritance dangled over his head.

Cool, however "If a revocable trust and a will contradict each other, the trust will generally take precedence over the will. This is because a trust is a separate legal entity that holds assets, and the will only governs assets not held in the trust"

Who said anything about a will? People change revocable trusts all the time.

Something makes me feel like he won’t change the trusts in favor of underage kids from another dude, as long as his own son is in good health and mind. My exH is a very, very smart guy.

These inheritance issues usually pop up when there is no will or trusts, so the wife gets everything. It’s not that easy and takes money to change a trust vs writing a 5-minute will.

Anyway, thanks for suggestions, everyone. And I wish I was a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this post is titled, "Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner"

Very little of what OP has posted actually relates to the new partner; it's primarily complaints about her ex husband.

What I find problematic is that in a huge messy sh!tshow like this one, the mom/OP decided to focus on the woman/partner as though she's done something wrong. She hasn't.

She's simply a woman who is dating a man with a young adult son. And an ex wife who is high-conflict, drama-ridden and wants to make this woman a scapegoat.

This. He has a girlfriend and wants to spend Christmas with her and his son. That’s not imposing her. That’s just life after divorce.

Also, we are talking about an 18 year old. No court is going to enforce a “50/50 custody schedule” for an adult. That’s not a thing.

Your son should make his own decisions and deal with the potential consequences. You seem convinced that you are protected legally re: paying for college, so what’s actually the issue? I imagine at 18 your son understands the implications of having (or not having) a relationship with his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this post is titled, "Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner"

Very little of what OP has posted actually relates to the new partner; it's primarily complaints about her ex husband.

What I find problematic is that in a huge messy sh!tshow like this one, the mom/OP decided to focus on the woman/partner as though she's done something wrong. She hasn't.

She's simply a woman who is dating a man with a young adult son. And an ex wife who is high-conflict, drama-ridden and wants to make this woman a scapegoat.

This. He has a girlfriend and wants to spend Christmas with her and his son. That’s not imposing her. That’s just life after divorce.

Also, we are talking about an 18 year old. No court is going to enforce a “50/50 custody schedule” for an adult. That’s not a thing.

Your son should make his own decisions and deal with the potential consequences. You seem convinced that you are protected legally re: paying for college, so what’s actually the issue? I imagine at 18 your son understands the implications of having (or not having) a relationship with his father.

My 18 yo actually doesn’t understand the consequences of not having a relationship with dad. It can 1) cause me legal expenses again taking him to court collect tuition 2) shift all burden on college breaks to me which I don’t think is fair 3) potentially endangers inheritance. My son is idealistic and at this age he thinks he would become a billionaire selling drones.

And yes, im explaining to him that regardless of this woman, he would be spending all future holidays with new partners of his parents. Sooner or later.

It’s just pretty insensitive of my exH to communicate the way he does with son. If the son doesn’t want to be at a dinner - his dad could have said okay, do as you wish but you are always welcome at my house. Instead of screaming to get out of the house. This is inadequate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is an adult and should be making his own decisions.

He should also be paying for his own college then.

Nope, college tuition was part of our assets settlement between the parents by our divorce decree. My exH received more money from me as a bailout from joint business in exchange for him being legally obligated to pay for college. If he wasn't paying for college, he would have gotten $200K less from me

Then you should’ve insisted on more settlement $ and forgone the college $.

Because now your son is a hostage to this psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is an adult and should be making his own decisions.

He should also be paying for his own college then.

Nope, college tuition was part of our assets settlement between the parents by our divorce decree. My exH received more money from me as a bailout from joint business in exchange for him being legally obligated to pay for college. If he wasn't paying for college, he would have gotten $200K less from me

Then you should’ve insisted on more settlement $ and forgone the college $.

Because now your son is a hostage to this psycho.

I couldn’t negotiate a better deal. He wanted to keep pulling the strings on his family after divorce. Also tried to keep some control of our business but I was able to get rid of him there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say

You are impressively wrong. Not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

This is not enforceable. Just so you know.

People put a lot of things in their marriage settlement agreements that aren’t actually enforceable in a court of law. Forcing one parent to pay for college exclusively is one of them.

You and your son should be more grateful that your ex is agreeing to pay for it. He is not, in fact, “obligated” to.

It's part of the civil assets settlement and is totally enforceable. I can arrest his real estate, accounts etc. It will only take time, and legal costs which is inconvenience.

Seems like too many posters here are upset some other mother was able to get a great deal for her child. Or maybe they are upset that men they are dating have money hidden for their natural kids.

No, sweetie. It’s not. You clearly don’t know the first thing about Family Law.

No one is upset about anything. Except for obviously you.

NP. First, calling her "sweetie" in this context is misogynistic, and you don't belong in this forum of mainly women.

Second, you're wrong, and she's right. From her description, it sounds like a property settlement. She can pay for college and sue him to recover the payments and her attorney's fees and interest. Then, she can find someone to enforce the judgment for her.

You really shouldn’t use words you don’t understand, toots.

It might be condescending, because OP is quite the histrionic idiot. But that’s not misogyny.

Honestly, if you cannot use vocabulary correctly, maybe sit the rest of this one out.

This sounded cooler and more impressive when it was in your head. Just FYI. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

If the agreement is 50-50 then you are the one not honoring it and if he's paying you child support he should not be paying for college. You are greedy. I hope dad does not leave the money to your son as it clear what you are up to.

You must be someone's AP, if you believe men should leave money to strangers who came to their life right at the top of their life-earned wealth. How convenient to be that late 30s lady, right?
Did you read above about 50-50? It's actually ME who is asking my son to continue honoring 50/50 for the sake of good relationship with dad and overall stability.

Well, they aren't "strangers" once they become a new wife, now are they?

Of course they are. Don’t get too comfy. Tick tick tick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say

You are impressively wrong. Not OP.

OP here - yea, that poster is delusional thinking it’s all cheeky-pooky once she becomes a wife. The dudes like my exH are very experienced using women. Our divorce decree requires him to offer any next wife a prenup AND share it with his son’s legal representative. There is a corporate control issue involved that I cannot describe without avoiding sharing too much detail here.

I strongly suggest his AP (that he cheated on for 5 years during our marriage) very much disliked the offered prenup which is why they split up shortly after his divorce. She was a money hungry wh..e, slept with him to get consulting contracts at work. He was the officer sitting on the contracts.

If any woman thinks she can deep her claws in millions with an easy in modern corporate America, she’s very wrong.

The new GF barely speaks English, is very poor and has two kids. She’ll take anything.