Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say

You are impressively wrong. Not OP.

My exH was and is not serious about any woman. He’s incapable of feelings. He’s a corporate cutthroat and a psycho. He just wants a warm body around within reach at all times, and everyone else make adjustments. Once the warm body disagrees with him on anything, it’s replaced. He’s done it many times. And nobody will be different: I was the absolute “champion” living with him 18 years.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for your son.

He needs someone to have his back. You should let him spend the holidays where he wants and support him emotionally if he’s depressed and struggling. The fact that you’re dating…? Come on. Be there for him!

And if your ex is obligated by the agreement to pay, he pays or you go to court. Your son should know that he can’t be emotionally abused by his dad. You should back him I standing up to him and having healthy boundaries, not playing nice so he can get some money and connections. WTF.

I say this all as a divorced mom who understand the pressures. This is an enormously f’d up situation for your son. No one is saying that he shouldn’t spend time with his dad. But he should be able to choose to do that without toxicity. The fact that you pressure him because of your own interests is so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this post is titled, "Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner"

Very little of what OP has posted actually relates to the new partner; it's primarily complaints about her ex husband.

What I find problematic is that in a huge messy sh!tshow like this one, the mom/OP decided to focus on the woman/partner as though she's done something wrong. She hasn't.

She's simply a woman who is dating a man with a young adult son. And an ex wife who is high-conflict, drama-ridden and wants to make this woman a scapegoat.

This. He has a girlfriend and wants to spend Christmas with her and his son. That’s not imposing her. That’s just life after divorce.

Also, we are talking about an 18 year old. No court is going to enforce a “50/50 custody schedule” for an adult. That’s not a thing.

Your son should make his own decisions and deal with the potential consequences. You seem convinced that you are protected legally re: paying for college, so what’s actually the issue? I imagine at 18 your son understands the implications of having (or not having) a relationship with his father.

My 18 yo actually doesn’t understand the consequences of not having a relationship with dad. It can 1) cause me legal expenses again taking him to court collect tuition 2) shift all burden on college breaks to me which I don’t think is fair 3) potentially endangers inheritance. My son is idealistic and at this age he thinks he would become a billionaire selling drones.

And yes, im explaining to him that regardless of this woman, he would be spending all future holidays with new partners of his parents. Sooner or later.

It’s just pretty insensitive of my exH to communicate the way he does with son. If the son doesn’t want to be at a dinner - his dad could have said okay, do as you wish but you are always welcome at my house. Instead of screaming to get out of the house. This is inadequate.

You are absolutely nuts. Your son is not worth the few thousand dollars to collect tuition? You wouldn’t probably even pay that much. Your lawyer sends a letter to his, it’s in the decree… done.

Re: being responsible for all breaks — come on!! This is your son. He’s depressed and doesn’t want to spend time with an emotionally abusive dad. Help him, for goodness sakes.

Why are you so reluctant to step up for your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for your son.

He needs someone to have his back. You should let him spend the holidays where he wants and support him emotionally if he’s depressed and struggling. The fact that you’re dating…? Come on. Be there for him!

And if your ex is obligated by the agreement to pay, he pays or you go to court. Your son should know that he can’t be emotionally abused by his dad. You should back him I standing up to him and having healthy boundaries, not playing nice so he can get some money and connections. WTF.

I say this all as a divorced mom who understand the pressures. This is an enormously f’d up situation for your son. No one is saying that he shouldn’t spend time with his dad. But he should be able to choose to do that without toxicity. The fact that you pressure him because of your own interests is so sad.

Thank you for saying that. I will offer my son to come for Christmas dinner, if this is where he wants to be. I do have a BF but he’s very understanding of situation, and not insisting on meeting my son before my son wants to meet him.

My son is in college, so I have time to date my BF. We haven’t been able to make any holiday plans so far in a whole year. Mostly because my exH is a totally unreliable psycho and I can never be sure that my son won’t beg to come to my house on college breaks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this post is titled, "Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner"

Very little of what OP has posted actually relates to the new partner; it's primarily complaints about her ex husband.

What I find problematic is that in a huge messy sh!tshow like this one, the mom/OP decided to focus on the woman/partner as though she's done something wrong. She hasn't.

She's simply a woman who is dating a man with a young adult son. And an ex wife who is high-conflict, drama-ridden and wants to make this woman a scapegoat.

This. He has a girlfriend and wants to spend Christmas with her and his son. That’s not imposing her. That’s just life after divorce.

Also, we are talking about an 18 year old. No court is going to enforce a “50/50 custody schedule” for an adult. That’s not a thing.

Your son should make his own decisions and deal with the potential consequences. You seem convinced that you are protected legally re: paying for college, so what’s actually the issue? I imagine at 18 your son understands the implications of having (or not having) a relationship with his father.

My 18 yo actually doesn’t understand the consequences of not having a relationship with dad. It can 1) cause me legal expenses again taking him to court collect tuition 2) shift all burden on college breaks to me which I don’t think is fair 3) potentially endangers inheritance. My son is idealistic and at this age he thinks he would become a billionaire selling drones.

And yes, im explaining to him that regardless of this woman, he would be spending all future holidays with new partners of his parents. Sooner or later.

It’s just pretty insensitive of my exH to communicate the way he does with son. If the son doesn’t want to be at a dinner - his dad could have said okay, do as you wish but you are always welcome at my house. Instead of screaming to get out of the house. This is inadequate.

You are absolutely nuts. Your son is not worth the few thousand dollars to collect tuition? You wouldn’t probably even pay that much. Your lawyer sends a letter to his, it’s in the decree… done.

Re: being responsible for all breaks — come on!! This is your son. He’s depressed and doesn’t want to spend time with an emotionally abusive dad. Help him, for goodness sakes.

Why are you so reluctant to step up for your son?

I will now. I sort of had some gilt feeling also, not wanting to look like I’m interfering into their dynamic as mother. It’s my exH custodial time now.

[Anonymous]

An update from OP. There won't be a dinner at family house on Christmas. My exH would only take son out to dinner on 24th. After my son will come for cakes at my house and I'll bring him back at midnight to my exH. The GF will stop by with her kids for breakfast next morning. Seems like reason prevailed, or maybe my exH did feel guilty screaming and kicking out son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this post is titled, "Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner"

Very little of what OP has posted actually relates to the new partner; it's primarily complaints about her ex husband.

What I find problematic is that in a huge messy sh!tshow like this one, the mom/OP decided to focus on the woman/partner as though she's done something wrong. She hasn't.

She's simply a woman who is dating a man with a young adult son. And an ex wife who is high-conflict, drama-ridden and wants to make this woman a scapegoat.

This. He has a girlfriend and wants to spend Christmas with her and his son. That’s not imposing her. That’s just life after divorce.

Also, we are talking about an 18 year old. No court is going to enforce a “50/50 custody schedule” for an adult. That’s not a thing.

Your son should make his own decisions and deal with the potential consequences. You seem convinced that you are protected legally re: paying for college, so what’s actually the issue? I imagine at 18 your son understands the implications of having (or not having) a relationship with his father.

My 18 yo actually doesn’t understand the consequences of not having a relationship with dad. It can 1) cause me legal expenses again taking him to court collect tuition 2) shift all burden on college breaks to me which I don’t think is fair 3) potentially endangers inheritance. My son is idealistic and at this age he thinks he would become a billionaire selling drones.

And yes, im explaining to him that regardless of this woman, he would be spending all future holidays with new partners of his parents. Sooner or later.

It’s just pretty insensitive of my exH to communicate the way he does with son. If the son doesn’t want to be at a dinner - his dad could have said okay, do as you wish but you are always welcome at my house. Instead of screaming to get out of the house. This is inadequate.

You are absolutely nuts. Your son is not worth the few thousand dollars to collect tuition? You wouldn’t probably even pay that much. Your lawyer sends a letter to his, it’s in the decree… done.

Re: being responsible for all breaks — come on!! This is your son. He’s depressed and doesn’t want to spend time with an emotionally abusive dad. Help him, for goodness sakes.

Why are you so reluctant to step up for your son?

I will now. I sort of had some gilt feeling also, not wanting to look like I’m interfering into their dynamic as mother. It’s my exH custodial time now.

It’s not interfering with their dynamic to support him in being emotionally healthy and having boundaries. He can be polite and respectful without compromising his basic needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this post is titled, "Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner"

Very little of what OP has posted actually relates to the new partner; it's primarily complaints about her ex husband.

What I find problematic is that in a huge messy sh!tshow like this one, the mom/OP decided to focus on the woman/partner as though she's done something wrong. She hasn't.

She's simply a woman who is dating a man with a young adult son. And an ex wife who is high-conflict, drama-ridden and wants to make this woman a scapegoat.

This. He has a girlfriend and wants to spend Christmas with her and his son. That’s not imposing her. That’s just life after divorce.

Also, we are talking about an 18 year old. No court is going to enforce a “50/50 custody schedule” for an adult. That’s not a thing.

Your son should make his own decisions and deal with the potential consequences. You seem convinced that you are protected legally re: paying for college, so what’s actually the issue? I imagine at 18 your son understands the implications of having (or not having) a relationship with his father.

My 18 yo actually doesn’t understand the consequences of not having a relationship with dad. It can 1) cause me legal expenses again taking him to court collect tuition 2) shift all burden on college breaks to me which I don’t think is fair 3) potentially endangers inheritance. My son is idealistic and at this age he thinks he would become a billionaire selling drones.

And yes, im explaining to him that regardless of this woman, he would be spending all future holidays with new partners of his parents. Sooner or later.

It’s just pretty insensitive of my exH to communicate the way he does with son. If the son doesn’t want to be at a dinner - his dad could have said okay, do as you wish but you are always welcome at my house. Instead of screaming to get out of the house. This is inadequate.

You are absolutely nuts. Your son is not worth the few thousand dollars to collect tuition? You wouldn’t probably even pay that much. Your lawyer sends a letter to his, it’s in the decree… done.

Re: being responsible for all breaks — come on!! This is your son. He’s depressed and doesn’t want to spend time with an emotionally abusive dad. Help him, for goodness sakes.

Why are you so reluctant to step up for your son?

I will now. I sort of had some gilt feeling also, not wanting to look like I’m interfering into their dynamic as mother. It’s my exH custodial time now.

It’s not interfering with their dynamic to support him in being emotionally healthy and having boundaries. He can be polite and respectful without compromising his basic needs.

They scream at each other a lot. This is a very unhealthy dynamic and the only way to stop this is to have my son live with me full time during college breaks. I'll offer this now. At my home it's always peaceful and calm.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Seems like your ex took you through the ringer. I'm going through a divorce and am the child of divorced parents.

I may be jaded, but I've seen enough to know that older men put their resources toward the woman (and subsequently, her children) they are currently sleeping with, especially older men who get tired and worn down. A few grand to update a trust is pocket change.

Don't be surprised if your kid is disinherited and I wouldn't pressure your kid to have some kind of manipulative or transactional relationship with his Dad for a hypothetical inheritance.

Just take care of your side of the ledger and try to encourage your kid to have good boundaries, self-respect and to make his own money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. Seems like your ex took you through the ringer. I'm going through a divorce and am the child of divorced parents.

I may be jaded, but I've seen enough to know that older men put their resources toward the woman (and subsequently, her children) they are currently sleeping with, especially older men who get tired and worn down. A few grand to update a trust is pocket change.

Don't be surprised if your kid is disinherited and I wouldn't pressure your kid to have some kind of manipulative or transactional relationship with his Dad for a hypothetical inheritance.

Just take care of your side of the ledger and try to encourage your kid to have good boundaries, self-respect and to make his own money

Thank you,I appreciate the concern. My son doesn't need to be manipulated or transactional: he's not asking dad for anything in fact. But I do think it's within the realm to maintain a polite relationship attending dinners once a year and talking about his achievements. It's all superficial but guys like my ex do care about it. My husband's own father left everything to him- not to second wife with whom there were no joint kids. It's not customary in the region where my exH came from not to honor the son. He's from Chechnya.

[Anonymous]

If you are for real, get yourself some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say

You are impressively wrong. Not OP.

I’m that NP. Curious why you think adult son does not need to eventually adjust to divorced parents having new partners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

This is not enforceable. Just so you know.

People put a lot of things in their marriage settlement agreements that aren’t actually enforceable in a court of law. Forcing one parent to pay for college exclusively is one of them.

You and your son should be more grateful that your ex is agreeing to pay for it. He is not, in fact, “obligated” to.

It's part of the civil assets settlement and is totally enforceable. I can arrest his real estate, accounts etc. It will only take time, and legal costs which is inconvenience.

Seems like too many posters here are upset some other mother was able to get a great deal for her child. Or maybe they are upset that men they are dating have money hidden for their natural kids.

No, sweetie. It’s not. You clearly don’t know the first thing about Family Law.

No one is upset about anything. Except for obviously you.

NP. First, calling her "sweetie" in this context is misogynistic, and you don't belong in this forum of mainly women.

Second, you're wrong, and she's right. From her description, it sounds like a property settlement. She can pay for college and sue him to recover the payments and her attorney's fees and interest. Then, she can find someone to enforce the judgment for her.

You really shouldn’t use words you don’t understand, toots.

It might be condescending, because OP is quite the histrionic idiot. But that’s not misogyny.

Honestly, if you cannot use vocabulary correctly, maybe sit the rest of this one out.

This sounded cooler and more impressive when it was in your head. Just FYI. DP

Calling someone “toots” and a “histrionic idiot” makes you an expert on what is an is not misogynistic. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced 2 years ago after a very long marriage. My exH was always a screaming, uninvolved father with our only son. Some incidents included physical and verbal abuse, throwing him out of the house (on his 50% custody time) in winter after an argument. I was always the buffer between them two during the marriage but it would often cause contempt and further abuse. He also cheated on me with a work colleague for 5 years (an older woman). I filed for divorce when our son was in HS and was able to negotiate that dad pays for college. The divorce was acrimonious, as we were business partners and exH was not accepting my divorce paperwork for a long time. He didn't want the divorce and got ballistic when I filed. I walked out with less than half, but financially stable. I work.

ExH retained the marital house: as I was leaving the doorway and the movers were helping, he literally screamed "get out of my house!" in front of the son. After the divorce their relationship got way worse: exH said he wouldn't pay for college unless our son spends 50% with him. But on his time they would just argue all the time. Son now can compare his dad with other, better dads who visit his roommates on campus, and hates him even more. He was struggling with depression and substances abuse, but attends a good college and now seems to be doing better (I'm taking him to therapists).

Soon after the divorce dad broke up with his workplace older AP and is now dating a new woman: late 30s lady from Eastern Europe with 2 kids, 20 years younger than him. They don't live together (yet). According to divorce degree, our son should be splitting time 50/50 between parents. Recently, exH started imposing attendance of joint events with the lady on our son: Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. He never tells about the events in advance, it drops on our son's head while he's already at dad's place. Today they had a terrible argument because son doesn't want to attend the Christmas dinner with her at home. The divorce is still very fresh for him, and it's a family home where he lived with mom. My son is asking if he can spend Christmas with me instead.

I spoke to him and advised not to anger dad: this woman with 2 kids is not the worst option, better than someone never married. She has nothing to do with marriage fallout. Its better for my own financial well-being and is in my son's long term interests to maintain a good relationship with dad. Dad is all about the shiny facade in front of his social circle: he's well connected and was helping our son to get internships etc. I don't want complications with paying for college, deal courts again etc., as my exH easily becomes ballistic. I've moved on and don't care about exH's girlfriends as long as they don't birth more children.

Son still doesn't want to see her, because he feels it's really fake: dad and that woman pretending nothing had happened. Her coming to home where there were so many tears and abuse, eating at wooden table that his mom restored 6 years ago. Dad just told him he could get out of the house if he doesn't want to attend the dinner with GF). My son is very upset, and is plotting to have a big "tell all" that evening how dad was beating him etc. I am begging him not to argue with her or dad, and remain silent. Such a drama!

What shall I do? Allow my son to spend Christmas with me this year (risking to anger my exH and become sole provider to son during college), or try to persuade him to formally attend, eat well and go back to his room?

From what you wrote, your son would be better off getting student loans rather than putting up with an abusive father. What did your divorce decree say about who pays for college. I would also schedule a meeting with my lawyer as your son should not have to put up with the physical, verbal, and mental abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. Seems like your ex took you through the ringer. I'm going through a divorce and am the child of divorced parents.

I may be jaded, but I've seen enough to know that older men put their resources toward the woman (and subsequently, her children) they are currently sleeping with, especially older men who get tired and worn down. A few grand to update a trust is pocket change.

Don't be surprised if your kid is disinherited and I wouldn't pressure your kid to have some kind of manipulative or transactional relationship with his Dad for a hypothetical inheritance.

Just take care of your side of the ledger and try to encourage your kid to have good boundaries, self-respect and to make his own money

Thank you,I appreciate the concern. My son doesn't need to be manipulated or transactional: he's not asking dad for anything in fact. But I do think it's within the realm to maintain a polite relationship attending dinners once a year and talking about his achievements. It's all superficial but guys like my ex do care about it. My husband's own father left everything to him- not to second wife with whom there were no joint kids. It's not customary in the region where my exH came from not to honor the son. He's from Chechnya.

He could still have kids with either his current girlfriend or another woman. Less for your son then.