Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say

You are impressively wrong. Not OP.

I’m that NP. Curious why you think adult son does not need to eventually adjust to divorced parents having new partners?

I'm OP. I do agree that son needs to adjust eventually, but forcing a woman my exH doesn't even live with down his son's throat is not encouraging of this integration ( at best).
It also messes up my custody schedule: I can never plan anything as my son calls me asking to move into my place on a short notice after a scandal. I might go back to court. My exH shouldn't make son's presence at his house conditional on attendance of whichever events he wants him to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced 2 years ago after a very long marriage. My exH was always a screaming, uninvolved father with our only son. Some incidents included physical and verbal abuse, throwing him out of the house (on his 50% custody time) in winter after an argument. I was always the buffer between them two during the marriage but it would often cause contempt and further abuse. He also cheated on me with a work colleague for 5 years (an older woman). I filed for divorce when our son was in HS and was able to negotiate that dad pays for college. The divorce was acrimonious, as we were business partners and exH was not accepting my divorce paperwork for a long time. He didn't want the divorce and got ballistic when I filed. I walked out with less than half, but financially stable. I work.

ExH retained the marital house: as I was leaving the doorway and the movers were helping, he literally screamed "get out of my house!" in front of the son. After the divorce their relationship got way worse: exH said he wouldn't pay for college unless our son spends 50% with him. But on his time they would just argue all the time. Son now can compare his dad with other, better dads who visit his roommates on campus, and hates him even more. He was struggling with depression and substances abuse, but attends a good college and now seems to be doing better (I'm taking him to therapists).

Soon after the divorce dad broke up with his workplace older AP and is now dating a new woman: late 30s lady from Eastern Europe with 2 kids, 20 years younger than him. They don't live together (yet). According to divorce degree, our son should be splitting time 50/50 between parents. Recently, exH started imposing attendance of joint events with the lady on our son: Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. He never tells about the events in advance, it drops on our son's head while he's already at dad's place. Today they had a terrible argument because son doesn't want to attend the Christmas dinner with her at home. The divorce is still very fresh for him, and it's a family home where he lived with mom. My son is asking if he can spend Christmas with me instead.

I spoke to him and advised not to anger dad: this woman with 2 kids is not the worst option, better than someone never married. She has nothing to do with marriage fallout. Its better for my own financial well-being and is in my son's long term interests to maintain a good relationship with dad. Dad is all about the shiny facade in front of his social circle: he's well connected and was helping our son to get internships etc. I don't want complications with paying for college, deal courts again etc., as my exH easily becomes ballistic. I've moved on and don't care about exH's girlfriends as long as they don't birth more children.

Son still doesn't want to see her, because he feels it's really fake: dad and that woman pretending nothing had happened. Her coming to home where there were so many tears and abuse, eating at wooden table that his mom restored 6 years ago. Dad just told him he could get out of the house if he doesn't want to attend the dinner with GF). My son is very upset, and is plotting to have a big "tell all" that evening how dad was beating him etc. I am begging him not to argue with her or dad, and remain silent. Such a drama!

What shall I do? Allow my son to spend Christmas with me this year (risking to anger my exH and become sole provider to son during college), or try to persuade him to formally attend, eat well and go back to his room?

From what you wrote, your son would be better off getting student loans rather than putting up with an abusive father. What did your divorce decree say about who pays for college. I would also schedule a meeting with my lawyer as your son should not have to put up with the physical, verbal, and mental abuse.

Yes, this is what I'm leaning to now. I will be asking for recalculation of child support: I don't mind if son lives 100% with me on college breaks but my exH should contribute financially to this household at my house, when it happens

[Anonymous]

Can you go back to court to get a court order for him to pay college?

I can't imagine the 50/50 thing is enforceable on an 18 year old?

It is absolutely miserable to be forced to spend time around people you hate.

I would expect your exH to piss away that estate money just to spite you guys, probably on the new GF and her kids

[Anonymous]

Youbare teaching your son to let someone use money to control him. Your son can be bought for a proce and in this case it's education. You are also showing him its okay to use people.

I would end the relationship. Go to a cheaper college. Yiur son is an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youbare teaching your son to let someone use money to control him. Your son can be bought for a proce and in this case it's education. You are also showing him its okay to use people.

I would end the relationship. Go to a cheaper college. Yiur son is an adult

Op is creating a bad relationship and badmouthing dad. She wants her money. She’ll sabatoge the relationship and alienate them but will never give up the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say

You are impressively wrong. Not OP.

I’m that NP. Curious why you think adult son does not need to eventually adjust to divorced parents having new partners?

I'm OP. I do agree that son needs to adjust eventually, but forcing a woman my exH doesn't even live with down his son's throat is not encouraging of this integration ( at best).
It also messes up my custody schedule: I can never plan anything as my son calls me asking to move into my place on a short notice after a scandal. I might go back to court. My exH shouldn't make son's presence at his house conditional on attendance of whichever events he wants him to attend.

You are the problem. You send your son as scheduled and encourage the relationship. You are angry your ex is dating. You need to move on. Or, if you really don't want them to have a relationship waive the child support and college. You should not be getting money if you aren't allowing dad to have a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youbare teaching your son to let someone use money to control him. Your son can be bought for a proce and in this case it's education. You are also showing him its okay to use people.

I would end the relationship. Go to a cheaper college. Yiur son is an adult

OP wants child support, college paid for and inhertance. Its all about the money. She wants to stick it to her ex and doesn't care who she hurts. I hope this is fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is an adult and should be making his own decisions.

He should also be paying for his own college then.

Depends on the State and what the court orders say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is an adult and should be making his own decisions.

He should also be paying for his own college then.

Depends on the State and what the court orders say.

If he’s grown enough to make the decision he’s grown enough to financially support himself or mom can provide all the financial support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youbare teaching your son to let someone use money to control him. Your son can be bought for a proce and in this case it's education. You are also showing him its okay to use people.

I would end the relationship. Go to a cheaper college. Yiur son is an adult

Exactly, the son is 18 from what I read. He can live with mom and should ignore the abuser dad.
Mom why aren't you letting your son move in???? Get him away from that household!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for your son.

He needs someone to have his back. You should let him spend the holidays where he wants and support him emotionally if he’s depressed and struggling. The fact that you’re dating…? Come on. Be there for him!

And if your ex is obligated by the agreement to pay, he pays or you go to court. Your son should know that he can’t be emotionally abused by his dad. You should back him I standing up to him and having healthy boundaries, not playing nice so he can get some money and connections. WTF.

I say this all as a divorced mom who understand the pressures. This is an enormously f’d up situation for your son. No one is saying that he shouldn’t spend time with his dad. But he should be able to choose to do that without toxicity. The fact that you pressure him because of your own interests is so sad.

Thank you for saying that. I will offer my son to come for Christmas dinner, if this is where he wants to be. I do have a BF but he’s very understanding of situation, and not insisting on meeting my son before my son wants to meet him.

My son is in college, so I have time to date my BF. We haven’t been able to make any holiday plans so far in a whole year. Mostly because my exH is a totally unreliable psycho and I can never be sure that my son won’t beg to come to my house on college breaks

What the heck? Forget the boyfriend, put your son first. Let him move in or come as often as he wants.

[Anonymous]

At some point you have to let the money go and stop letting it be a driving factor in continuing the emotional abuse your son is enduring at both of your hands.

He is an adult who does not need to go to his father's house if he does not want. If that means dad stops paying college, then go to court and get the order enforced. There's a reason why CS and custody agreements are separate in this respect. If he decides to change his will and leave his son out of it then so be it. No amount of money is worth the emotional torment it seems your son is going through. Make his mental health his first priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At some point you have to let the money go and stop letting it be a driving factor in continuing the emotional abuse your son is enduring at both of your hands.

He is an adult who does not need to go to his father's house if he does not want. If that means dad stops paying college, then go to court and get the order enforced. There's a reason why CS and custody agreements are separate in this respect. If he decides to change his will and leave his son out of it then so be it. No amount of money is worth the emotional torment it seems your son is going through. Make his mental health his first priority.

The money is for op. Let’s be real.