Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

This is not enforceable. Just so you know.

People put a lot of things in their marriage settlement agreements that aren’t actually enforceable in a court of law. Forcing one parent to pay for college exclusively is one of them.

You and your son should be more grateful that your ex is agreeing to pay for it. He is not, in fact, “obligated” to.

It's part of the civil assets settlement and is totally enforceable. I can arrest his real estate, accounts etc. It will only take time, and legal costs which is inconvenience.

Seems like too many posters here are upset some other mother was able to get a great deal for her child. Or maybe they are upset that men they are dating have money hidden for their natural kids.

No, sweetie. It’s not. You clearly don’t know the first thing about Family Law.

No one is upset about anything. Except for obviously you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Allow" my son? He's an adult. Dad will pay or not ... and can invent any reason.

He just turned 18. An adult technically, but everyone knows how vulnerable kids, particular boys are in this age. Son is mildly autistic and this whole situation is very stressful for him

Yes an adult. He can manage his relationship with his dad (feel free to run down the pros and cons with him) but the choice is his. Land the helicopter and back off.

Listen, I'm not a crazy helicopter mom. I dont discuss dad with my son at all. He is the one who's bringing this trash from dad to my home. What a mom is supposed to do? Yes, he has great memories of having just his mom at home with him. He doesn't want another woman there and today we had a conversation that it's outside his control. But it's in his best interests to maintain a good relationship with dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

This is not enforceable. Just so you know.

People put a lot of things in their marriage settlement agreements that aren’t actually enforceable in a court of law. Forcing one parent to pay for college exclusively is one of them.

You and your son should be more grateful that your ex is agreeing to pay for it. He is not, in fact, “obligated” to.

It's part of the civil assets settlement and is totally enforceable. I can arrest his real estate, accounts etc. It will only take time, and legal costs which is inconvenience.

Seems like too many posters here are upset some other mother was able to get a great deal for her child. Or maybe they are upset that men they are dating have money hidden for their natural kids.

No, sweetie. It’s not. You clearly don’t know the first thing about Family Law.

No one is upset about anything. Except for obviously you.

The college tuition dispute wouldn't be even handled by family court. You clearly are clueless. It's enforceable if you make it part of assets division settlement, not the child support. There is plentiful court practice from several states where it was in fact enforced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

And, you want your cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Allow" my son? He's an adult. Dad will pay or not ... and can invent any reason.

He just turned 18. An adult technically, but everyone knows how vulnerable kids, particular boys are in this age. Son is mildly autistic and this whole situation is very stressful for him

Yes an adult. He can manage his relationship with his dad (feel free to run down the pros and cons with him) but the choice is his. Land the helicopter and back off.

Listen, I'm not a crazy helicopter mom. I dont discuss dad with my son at all. He is the one who's bringing this trash from dad to my home. What a mom is supposed to do? Yes, he has great memories of having just his mom at home with him. He doesn't want another woman there and today we had a conversation that it's outside his control. But it's in his best interests to maintain a good relationship with dad.

Of course, you get involved as you post here multiple times. He's probably a great guy and you are the nightmare. You just want the relationship for the money so tell your son that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, let him decide if he wants to break free from Dad and maybe take loans if he needs or suck it up and put up with it a few more years. Afterwards he can disappear if he wants to.

As for as Dad's connections for internships and such, it doesn't sound like it's worth the heartburn

He won't need to take loans: I can pay and then file in court for collection according to the divorce agreement. The main reason I want the son to remain a sole heir AND maybe build a new relationship with the woman. I've lived my life, and believe that a social network, more close people around you and their support is important, as you never know. She's not the worst option: it won't be in anyone's interests if dad keeps dating and out of a sudden has a baby in his 60s.

Based solely on your description of the situation, the psychological load of an unhealthy relationship with his dad outweighs any potential relationship benefits from encouraging him to comply with his dad's wishes. If that is his choice, you should let him pull back on the relationship. Launch him into a healthy adulthood and watch him make his own money with no strings attached. The load of a toxic relationship is rarely worth carrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

If these are irrevocable trusts, then it probably doesn't matter if your son maintains the relationship or not.

If they are revocable trusts, expect the new woman and her kids to inherit everything from your ex.

Your son should not sell his soul and put up with shitty treatment for 20 years for a potential inheritance dangled over his head.

If son has no relationship, why should dad pay for anything or give an inhertance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

And, you want your cut.

I want my son's children grow in his family home. Not the next wife's grand children who are not blood relatives of the people who invested, built, were born and grew up in the house. This is a natural desire for most parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say.

I understand that - and this is what I wrote above. Because my exH is a nutjob and abuser, I would rather prefer him coupled with someone who I can call and check on my son from time to time. She was NOT the AP who was a fault for marriage dissolution. The divorce and its' collateral damage to all of us was huge.
I feel maybe the divorce itself was a wake-up call for my exH. I appreciate he tried to find the woman who would have easier time blending and fitting in. She's from the same region as I am (speaks the same native language as all of us and our son). The AP was a complete corporate w...re and a social climber - a totally different breed, he wouldn't be able to coexist long term. This new woman is just a mom of two with nothing to her name, someone who is easy for him to manipulate. Just just myself 24 years ago. So I totally approve his choice and it's better that he settles now than continue going angry and mad without sex for years, with unknown risks.
I told son the same - be polite with her, keep the "tell-all" story to himself. Maintain a good face with her whereby there was a really bad play behind the curtain for everyones' sake.

Stop being nasty to this woman. You are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

This is not enforceable. Just so you know.

People put a lot of things in their marriage settlement agreements that aren’t actually enforceable in a court of law. Forcing one parent to pay for college exclusively is one of them.

You and your son should be more grateful that your ex is agreeing to pay for it. He is not, in fact, “obligated” to.

It's part of the civil assets settlement and is totally enforceable. I can arrest his real estate, accounts etc. It will only take time, and legal costs which is inconvenience.

Seems like too many posters here are upset some other mother was able to get a great deal for her child. Or maybe they are upset that men they are dating have money hidden for their natural kids.

No, sweetie. It’s not. You clearly don’t know the first thing about Family Law.

No one is upset about anything. Except for obviously you.

The college tuition dispute wouldn't be even handled by family court. You clearly are clueless. It's enforceable if you make it part of assets division settlement, not the child support. There is plentiful court practice from several states where it was in fact enforced

Also, once you get a judgment, you can sell it or assign it to a third party to collect and remove yourself from the situation entirely. Worked great for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

If these are irrevocable trusts, then it probably doesn't matter if your son maintains the relationship or not.

If they are revocable trusts, expect the new woman and her kids to inherit everything from your ex.

Your son should not sell his soul and put up with shitty treatment for 20 years for a potential inheritance dangled over his head.

If son has no relationship, why should dad pay for anything or give an inhertance.

College was part of assets settlement civil agreement - I already explained. Basically, its' ME, the mom, who prepaid the college costs by giving my exH a higher divorce cash buyout. I bought him out from our joint business for almost a million and it was stipulated that his financial obligation would be to finance college in a few years. It's an equatable distribution thing, valid in DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

And, you want your cut.

I want my son's children grow in his family home. Not the next wife's grand children who are not blood relatives of the people who invested, built, were born and grew up in the house. This is a natural desire for most parents.

No. At this life stage, you should want your son to be mentally and emotionally healthy enough to graduate college and find a promising career to support himself. Also, have you ever considered that a childhood home is triggering for kids who have witnessed or experienced abuse in it? It's why some of us don't go home after we leave for college.

[Anonymous]

It seems like it would be in your son's best interest not to be around his dad. He doesn't want to be. His dad was abusive. He had addiction issues stemming from his dad's treatment of him. The only benefit to him having to put up with his dad is the hope of the inheritance. But is it really worth what this could do to his mental health?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say.

I understand that - and this is what I wrote above. Because my exH is a nutjob and abuser, I would rather prefer him coupled with someone who I can call and check on my son from time to time. She was NOT the AP who was a fault for marriage dissolution. The divorce and its' collateral damage to all of us was huge.
I feel maybe the divorce itself was a wake-up call for my exH. I appreciate he tried to find the woman who would have easier time blending and fitting in. She's from the same region as I am (speaks the same native language as all of us and our son). The AP was a complete corporate w...re and a social climber - a totally different breed, he wouldn't be able to coexist long term. This new woman is just a mom of two with nothing to her name, someone who is easy for him to manipulate. Just just myself 24 years ago. So I totally approve his choice and it's better that he settles now than continue going angry and mad without sex for years, with unknown risks.
I told son the same - be polite with her, keep the "tell-all" story to himself. Maintain a good face with her whereby there was a really bad play behind the curtain for everyones' sake.

Stop being nasty to this woman. You are the problem.

Ah ok: why doesn't she date someone her age, alternating paying for dates? Why does she need a bold, unattractive man 20 years senior who is controlling and had acrimonious divorce? Of course she's deeply in love. Of course, it all the first wife's fault. LOL. And by a coincidence he lives in a $5m house with a pool all on his own, and owns a multi-million finance company.

I'm not a problem here, I'm just being realistic.

[Anonymous]

There is no such thing as 50-50 custody if the kid is 18 or older.

He does not have to see his dad and this woman.

You can go to court if he does not pay.

I don't see the problem here.