Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

And, you want your cut.

I want my son's children grow in his family home. Not the next wife's grand children who are not blood relatives of the people who invested, built, were born and grew up in the house. This is a natural desire for most parents.

No. At this life stage, you should want your son to be mentally and emotionally healthy enough to graduate college and find a promising career to support himself. Also, have you ever considered that a childhood home is triggering for kids who have witnessed or experienced abuse in it? It's why some of us don't go home after we leave for college.

100% this.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the therapist is making things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like it would be in your son's best interest not to be around his dad. He doesn't want to be. His dad was abusive. He had addiction issues stemming from his dad's treatment of him. The only benefit to him having to put up with his dad is the hope of the inheritance. But is it really worth what this could do to his mental health?

I think you have a valid point, and that's the only reasonable thought on this whole thread (others are just too distracted by the plight of trusts and college tuition). I will talk to my son, and discuss how the conversation with father went. If there were threats again, I think he needs to celebrate Christmas in loving household.

I'm not a poor person either: my son will get at least an equivalent of $5 million in present money equivalent, when I die. He won't be destitute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple.

He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it.

I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal.

But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate.

This is not enforceable. Just so you know.

People put a lot of things in their marriage settlement agreements that aren’t actually enforceable in a court of law. Forcing one parent to pay for college exclusively is one of them.

You and your son should be more grateful that your ex is agreeing to pay for it. He is not, in fact, “obligated” to.

It's part of the civil assets settlement and is totally enforceable. I can arrest his real estate, accounts etc. It will only take time, and legal costs which is inconvenience.

Seems like too many posters here are upset some other mother was able to get a great deal for her child. Or maybe they are upset that men they are dating have money hidden for their natural kids.

No, sweetie. It’s not. You clearly don’t know the first thing about Family Law.

No one is upset about anything. Except for obviously you.

NP. First, calling her "sweetie" in this context is misogynistic, and you don't belong in this forum of mainly women.

Second, you're wrong, and she's right. From her description, it sounds like a property settlement. She can pay for college and sue him to recover the payments and her attorney's fees and interest. Then, she can find someone to enforce the judgment for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Allow" my son? He's an adult. Dad will pay or not ... and can invent any reason.

He just turned 18. An adult technically, but everyone knows how vulnerable kids, particular boys are in this age. Son is mildly autistic and this whole situation is very stressful for him

Yes an adult. He can manage his relationship with his dad (feel free to run down the pros and cons with him) but the choice is his. Land the helicopter and back off.

Listen, I'm not a crazy helicopter mom. I dont discuss dad with my son at all. He is the one who's bringing this trash from dad to my home. What a mom is supposed to do? Yes, he has great memories of having just his mom at home with him. He doesn't want another woman there and today we had a conversation that it's outside his control. But it's in his best interests to maintain a good relationship with dad.

I didn’t call you crazy. As for what you do? You make sure he knows about the court mandated need for dad to pay college and the risk to his inheritance if he chooses to back off from having a relationship with his dad, and you let him decide what to do. Give him the info but let him make the call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say.

I understand that - and this is what I wrote above. Because my exH is a nutjob and abuser, I would rather prefer him coupled with someone who I can call and check on my son from time to time. She was NOT the AP who was a fault for marriage dissolution. The divorce and its' collateral damage to all of us was huge.
I feel maybe the divorce itself was a wake-up call for my exH. I appreciate he tried to find the woman who would have easier time blending and fitting in. She's from the same region as I am (speaks the same native language as all of us and our son). The AP was a complete corporate w...re and a social climber - a totally different breed, he wouldn't be able to coexist long term. This new woman is just a mom of two with nothing to her name, someone who is easy for him to manipulate. Just just myself 24 years ago. So I totally approve his choice and it's better that he settles now than continue going angry and mad without sex for years, with unknown risks.
I told son the same - be polite with her, keep the "tell-all" story to himself. Maintain a good face with her whereby there was a really bad play behind the curtain for everyones' sake.

Stop being nasty to this woman. You are the problem.

Ah ok: why doesn't she date someone her age, alternating paying for dates? Why does she need a bold, unattractive man 20 years senior who is controlling and had acrimonious divorce? Of course she's deeply in love. Of course, it all the first wife's fault. LOL. And by a coincidence he lives in a $5m house with a pool all on his own, and owns a multi-million finance company.

I'm not a problem here, I'm just being realistic.

He’s also much older than you too though? Why are you hyperfocused on this woman, I thought your issue is the father-son relationship and, by your admission the new woman is a pretty good catch all things considered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like it would be in your son's best interest not to be around his dad. He doesn't want to be. His dad was abusive. He had addiction issues stemming from his dad's treatment of him. The only benefit to him having to put up with his dad is the hope of the inheritance. But is it really worth what this could do to his mental health?

I think you have a valid point, and that's the only reasonable thought on this whole thread (others are just too distracted by the plight of trusts and college tuition). I will talk to my son, and discuss how the conversation with father went. If there were threats again, I think he needs to celebrate Christmas in loving household.

I'm not a poor person either: my son will get at least an equivalent of $5 million in present money equivalent, when I die. He won't be destitute.

Or…just stay out of it. Let him make his own choices. Land the helicopter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

And, you want your cut.

I want my son's children grow in his family home. Not the next wife's grand children who are not blood relatives of the people who invested, built, were born and grew up in the house. This is a natural desire for most parents.

Unfortunately you chose to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's not worth it for the son to put up with dad in the hopes of inheritance. He'll dangle this carrot forever with moving goalposts. The best he can do is get out from under his influence. If the new partner is Easter European with 2 kids -- she'll want the money and she'll do anything she can to get it. She's poor and she's willing to play the game. I'm Eastern European myself and I've seen it over and over. Believe me, you're not lucky that your XH has found someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as 50-50 custody if the kid is 18 or older.

He does not have to see his dad and this woman.

You can go to court if he does not pay.

I don't see the problem here.

Mom wants son to keep multi million inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as 50-50 custody if the kid is 18 or older.

He does not have to see his dad and this woman.

You can go to court if he does not pay.

I don't see the problem here.

Mom wants son to keep multi million inheritance.

Mom should have stayed married to Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's not worth it for the son to put up with dad in the hopes of inheritance. He'll dangle this carrot forever with moving goalposts. The best he can do is get out from under his influence. If the new partner is Easter European with 2 kids -- she'll want the money and she'll do anything she can to get it. She's poor and she's willing to play the game. I'm Eastern European myself and I've seen it over and over. Believe me, you're not lucky that your XH has found someone like this.

Based on the OP's writing style, she's Slavic too IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say.

I understand that - and this is what I wrote above. Because my exH is a nutjob and abuser, I would rather prefer him coupled with someone who I can call and check on my son from time to time. She was NOT the AP who was a fault for marriage dissolution. The divorce and its' collateral damage to all of us was huge.
I feel maybe the divorce itself was a wake-up call for my exH. I appreciate he tried to find the woman who would have easier time blending and fitting in. She's from the same region as I am (speaks the same native language as all of us and our son). The AP was a complete corporate w...re and a social climber - a totally different breed, he wouldn't be able to coexist long term. This new woman is just a mom of two with nothing to her name, someone who is easy for him to manipulate. Just just myself 24 years ago. So I totally approve his choice and it's better that he settles now than continue going angry and mad without sex for years, with unknown risks.
I told son the same - be polite with her, keep the "tell-all" story to himself. Maintain a good face with her whereby there was a really bad play behind the curtain for everyones' sake.

Stop being nasty to this woman. You are the problem.

Ah ok: why doesn't she date someone her age, alternating paying for dates? Why does she need a bold, unattractive man 20 years senior who is controlling and had acrimonious divorce? Of course she's deeply in love. Of course, it all the first wife's fault. LOL. And by a coincidence he lives in a $5m house with a pool all on his own, and owns a multi-million finance company.

I'm not a problem here, I'm just being realistic.

He’s also much older than you too though? Why are you hyperfocused on this woman, I thought your issue is the father-son relationship and, by your admission the new woman is a pretty good catch all things considered?

He was 10 years older than me. Married for 18 years. We were both at the same financial level when we married. I was his business partner. Yes, we are all Slavic - and he’s not toothless either. It won’t be an easy ride to his money for whoever he marries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where does OP say her son will receive an inheritance? I wouldn't count on that.

As of now, this is in writing in divorce decree (which has some legal bearing, even if changes the will). Son is also in family trusts as sole beneficiary. Of course I know this.

And, you want your cut.

I want my son's children grow in his family home. Not the next wife's grand children who are not blood relatives of the people who invested, built, were born and grew up in the house. This is a natural desire for most parents.

Unfortunately you chose to divorce.

Unfortunately ? I’m doing great, you have no idea how it being married to my exH. I’m not envious about the new GF, my BF is much younger than my ex we have a very egalitarian and passionate relationship in our 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you on everything except the idea that this lady is being “forced upon” your son. Reality is that both you and your exH have moved on, and exH is appropriately emphasizing to your son that he (exH) is an adult allowed to make decisions about his life not preserve in amber the life that is over. Honestly that is important for your son to comprehend and deal with. You got divorced and this is how it goes. Your exDH is correct that if he is serious about this lady, who had nothing to do with the dissolution of your marriage, then son needs to accept her as part of his dad’s and also by extension, son’s life.

There are more and less forceful ways to do that but your son does need to make the adjustment, sorry to say.

I understand that - and this is what I wrote above. Because my exH is a nutjob and abuser, I would rather prefer him coupled with someone who I can call and check on my son from time to time. She was NOT the AP who was a fault for marriage dissolution. The divorce and its' collateral damage to all of us was huge.
I feel maybe the divorce itself was a wake-up call for my exH. I appreciate he tried to find the woman who would have easier time blending and fitting in. She's from the same region as I am (speaks the same native language as all of us and our son). The AP was a complete corporate w...re and a social climber - a totally different breed, he wouldn't be able to coexist long term. This new woman is just a mom of two with nothing to her name, someone who is easy for him to manipulate. Just just myself 24 years ago. So I totally approve his choice and it's better that he settles now than continue going angry and mad without sex for years, with unknown risks.
I told son the same - be polite with her, keep the "tell-all" story to himself. Maintain a good face with her whereby there was a really bad play behind the curtain for everyones' sake.

Stop being nasty to this woman. You are the problem.

Ah ok: why doesn't she date someone her age, alternating paying for dates? Why does she need a bold, unattractive man 20 years senior who is controlling and had acrimonious divorce? Of course she's deeply in love. Of course, it all the first wife's fault. LOL. And by a coincidence he lives in a $5m house with a pool all on his own, and owns a multi-million finance company.

I'm not a problem here, I'm just being realistic.

He’s also much older than you too though? Why are you hyperfocused on this woman, I thought your issue is the father-son relationship and, by your admission the new woman is a pretty good catch all things considered?

She’s not a good catch, but my exH is a total jerk so seems logical that nobody else was interested. I was just responding to someone saying I was nasty. The GF is transactional but better option than someone young and childless. Thats all I was saying - these are the facts, nothing nasty.