Ex forcing son to attend events with new partner
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Anonymous
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Divorced 2 years ago after a very long marriage. My exH was always a screaming, uninvolved father with our only son. Some incidents included physical and verbal abuse, throwing him out of the house (on his 50% custody time) in winter after an argument. I was always the buffer between them two during the marriage but it would often cause contempt and further abuse. He also cheated on me with a work colleague for 5 years (an older woman). I filed for divorce when our son was in HS and was able to negotiate that dad pays for college. The divorce was acrimonious, as we were business partners and exH was not accepting my divorce paperwork for a long time. He didn't want the divorce and got ballistic when I filed. I walked out with less than half, but financially stable. I work.
ExH retained the marital house: as I was leaving the doorway and the movers were helping, he literally screamed "get out of my house!" in front of the son. After the divorce their relationship got way worse: exH said he wouldn't pay for college unless our son spends 50% with him. But on his time they would just argue all the time. Son now can compare his dad with other, better dads who visit his roommates on campus, and hates him even more. He was struggling with depression and substances abuse, but attends a good college and now seems to be doing better (I'm taking him to therapists). Soon after the divorce dad broke up with his workplace older AP and is now dating a new woman: late 30s lady from Eastern Europe with 2 kids, 20 years younger than him. They don't live together (yet). According to divorce degree, our son should be splitting time 50/50 between parents. Recently, exH started imposing attendance of joint events with the lady on our son: Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. He never tells about the events in advance, it drops on our son's head while he's already at dad's place. Today they had a terrible argument because son doesn't want to attend the Christmas dinner with her at home. The divorce is still very fresh for him, and it's a family home where he lived with mom. My son is asking if he can spend Christmas with me instead. I spoke to him and advised not to anger dad: this woman with 2 kids is not the worst option, better than someone never married. She has nothing to do with marriage fallout. Its better for my own financial well-being and is in my son's long term interests to maintain a good relationship with dad. Dad is all about the shiny facade in front of his social circle: he's well connected and was helping our son to get internships etc. I don't want complications with paying for college, deal courts again etc., as my exH easily becomes ballistic. I've moved on and don't care about exH's girlfriends as long as they don't birth more children. Son still doesn't want to see her, because he feels it's really fake: dad and that woman pretending nothing had happened. Her coming to home where there were so many tears and abuse, eating at wooden table that his mom restored 6 years ago. Dad just told him he could get out of the house if he doesn't want to attend the dinner with GF). My son is very upset, and is plotting to have a big "tell all" that evening how dad was beating him etc. I am begging him not to argue with her or dad, and remain silent. Such a drama! What shall I do? Allow my son to spend Christmas with me this year (risking to anger my exH and become sole provider to son during college), or try to persuade him to formally attend, eat well and go back to his room? |
Anonymous
| That's not unreasonable that he spend the time with his dad if his dad is supporting him after 18. You can always pay for college yourself or he can pay if he doesn't want a relationship. Simple. |
Anonymous
| Your son is an adult and should be making his own decisions. |
Anonymous
He should also be paying for his own college then. |
Anonymous
He's obligated to pay by our divorce degree. We both pay child support to son in proportion to our income, child support is legally till age 21 in my state. The issue is that dad threatens not to follow the legal agreements if son is not doing what he wants him to do. If exH doesn't prepay tuition for next semester, I would end up in court collecting it. I am actually the one financially interested here in their good relationship and who insisted on 50/50 time split on college breaks. I'm dating, too and need some time for myself. Grown up kids are expensive and child support is minimal. But I feel like a shitty mother for "selling" my son to the person he doesn't want to have anything in common. I am thinking long term: exH is much older, he will be gone in 20 years or so. Our son is a sole heir and in trusts of a multi-mullion estate. |
Anonymous
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"Allow" my son? He's an adult. Dad will pay or not ... and can invent any reason.
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Anonymous
Nope, college tuition was part of our assets settlement between the parents by our divorce decree. My exH received more money from me as a bailout from joint business in exchange for him being legally obligated to pay for college. If he wasn't paying for college, he would have gotten $200K less from me |
Anonymous
He just turned 18. An adult technically, but everyone knows how vulnerable kids, particular boys are in this age. Son is mildly autistic and this whole situation is very stressful for him |
Anonymous
Your son can't live like this. First it's see his dad 50% of the time. Then it's see dad + this woman. Then it's see dad + this woman + you have to be nice. It's always going to be something hanging over his head and then dad will threaten not to pay. You can't have a healthy relationship that way. He's an adult and can't be forced to do visitation. If he doesn't pay you do have the mechanism to take your ex to court and enforce the order. And that's what you'll have to do. The way it's heading, your son will cut all contact the second he graduates. If your son is allowed to make choices, and see his dad on his own terms, they might actually have a better relationship. But yes, that means son might be disinherited from millions. That's his choice. I |
Anonymous
| You can't protect him forever |
Anonymous
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Honestly, let him decide if he wants to break free from Dad and maybe take loans if he needs or suck it up and put up with it a few more years. Afterwards he can disappear if he wants to.
As for as Dad's connections for internships and such, it doesn't sound like it's worth the heartburn |
Anonymous
If the agreement is 50-50 then you are the one not honoring it and if he's paying you child support he should not be paying for college. You are greedy. I hope dad does not leave the money to your son as it clear what you are up to. |
Anonymous
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“better than someone never married”
This speaks volumes about you, op. Keep you and your judgement away from your son. He will be the better for it. 🙄 |
Anonymous
Mom expects life long child support to subsidize her and wants all the inheritance. |
Anonymous
He won't need to take loans: I can pay and then file in court for collection according to the divorce agreement. The main reason I want the son to remain a sole heir AND maybe build a new relationship with the woman. I've lived my life, and believe that a social network, more close people around you and their support is important, as you never know. She's not the worst option: it won't be in anyone's interests if dad keeps dating and out of a sudden has a baby in his 60s. |