how do I hide this particular trip from this particular friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Niagra Falls?

That’s what I was thinking too

You think the OP's husband, and one free of her kids, share a fascination with . . . Niagra Falls?

I suppose anything is possible.

This is likely why OP isn't sharing where the actual destination is. Because people like you will criticize and start saying how dumb it is. Smart move OP. Don't cave.
P.S. Niagara Falls is awesome to visit.

I was thinking Graceland. Maybe the kid is an Elvis fan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you spending 6 days for this one place?

6 days total, there and back. Just a day in this town.

OP, you keep referring to this as a road trip, and that it will take 5 days to travel there, but then you talk about how much air fare will cost. Unless this town is in the middle of the Australian outback, this makes no sense.

OP is taking a road trip, 6 days total. Presumably she lives around here. The friend lives out in California, so when people are saying oMg bRiNg yOuR FrIeNd, OP is saying that she cannot afford to pay for the friend’s airfare, accommodations, and food.

Perhaps if OP had made it clear that OP and the friend live on opposite freaking coasts, there wouldn’t have been confusion.

At this point this thread is so stupid OP should just have it deleted.

By the time that comment was posted, OP had already made it clear what the situation was. If that PP has reading comprehension issues, that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Niagra Falls?

That’s what I was thinking too

You think the OP's husband, and one free of her kids, share a fascination with . . . Niagra Falls?

I suppose anything is possible.

This is likely why OP isn't sharing where the actual destination is. Because people like you will criticize and start saying how dumb it is. Smart move OP. Don't cave.
P.S. Niagara Falls is awesome to visit.

I was thinking Graceland. Maybe the kid is an Elvis fan.

Maybe it’s Centralia PA and the kid is fascinated with burning coal mines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"DH and I loved hearing about how much you adored Cooperstown - so much that he planned a trip with the kids when I was supposed to be on a business trip. Now my trip has been cancelled and I can go along with them. I'm so excited about seeing a place so meaningful to you - I can't wait to compare notes when we get home!"

I feel this reads sort of passive aggressively in the sense that OP knows it’s painful for her friend not to be able to go to this place and this phrasing kind of skirts around that issue and hides behind cheerful language. That would drive me nuts if I were the recipient of this. I’d prefer something more straightforward like: I know this is a trip you’ve been wanting to take and this place is really important to you. — And since this is such a good friend I’d offer to take pictures or whatever I could reasonably do.

You “feel like?” Who cares about your feelings?

NP. Um, the OP which is why she is soliciting advice from total strangers. Do you get it? What do you think OP thinks we’ll respond with, tarot card readings or complex math calculations? Thoughts and feelings are what she’s asking for, dude.

She never asked for “feelings.”

It’s so weird how people think their feelings are valid.

Get over yourself. Nobody is confused by this but you. Sit down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close friend of mine is from a town that's basically only known for a single tourist attraction. Think Cooperstown, NY or similar. She has struggled financially since marrying 30 years ago and has not been able to return since, though she speaks fondly of it and has cried when she talks about how she can't afford to visit. Two of her adult children did move there, so she hasn't seen them in 5+ years, either. All that to say, there are emotions surrounding this place for her.

DH recently planned a trip to this city to visit this tourist attraction, and I know it'll hurt her feelings if she finds out. We speak almost every day, so hiding a 6-day road trip will be tough, especially if she asks where we are. Advice?

What does this mean? Did he plan this 6-day trip without your knowledge? I would've been upfront from the beginning. If this was a very close friend and I could afford it, I might even invite her to join us for the last couple of days.

He'd planned it for him and the kids because I had a business trip, but that trip cancelled, so now I'm going. He would definitely NOT pay to fly her out, a hotel room, and all her food (that's how financially poorly she's done). Would think it's very weird, even.

How "financially poor she's done?" Wow. You sound like a peach.

I'm actually very considerate toward her circumstances (I paid for her to attend both her parents' funerals with my airline miles), but I also know DCUM doesn't understand truly poor, so I wanted to make it crystal clear. But that's cool. Don't care what you think about me since she knows what I've done.

Ok troll. You said in your OP that she has not been back to her hometown in 30 years but apparently you flew her out for both of her parents' funerals. That makes no sense. Also if she were "truly poor" you would not talk daily -- as someone with poor relatives I know their lives are too unstable to have that kind of contact and in any case they don't maintain the same phone numbers for long and are often without phone service because they cannot afford to pay for a normal cell phone contract.

Nothing about this scenario makes sense -- you either made it up entirely for some reason or you've twisted a bunch of facts either to conceal your identity or make yourself look better than you actually are in this situation and the result is a total mess that no one can follow and that is why you are getting a lot of questions and criticism instead of advice.

[Anonymous]

Something is off, OP. How poor are her children that they cannot visit their mother, or pay for her to visit them?

How cruel are you to not be able to participate? How close are you really, if you do not know her children and cannot coordinate with them?

My family has some very poor members, and my parents helped them financially on occasion, paying for small trips for them to visit family, and buy clothes.

If this is a friend you talk to every day, then you should be able to do something for her.

I am not buying this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, OP. How poor are her children that they cannot visit their mother, or pay for her to visit them?

How cruel are you to not be able to participate? How close are you really, if you do not know her children and cannot coordinate with them?

My family has some very poor members, and my parents helped them financially on occasion, paying for small trips for them to visit family, and buy clothes.

If this is a friend you talk to every day, then you should be able to do something for her.

I am not buying this story.

NP here but man, you live in a bubble. 99% of the US could not pay for their parent to fly out somewhere to see them. None of my cousins would be able to do this.
And OP HAS paid for this woman to do things, but why should she pay for a random trip back east (or whatever)? I don't think she should lie, and I think she should offer to take photos or pick up souvenirs or whatever is easily doable, but paying for a cross country flight is not a friendship requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close friend of mine is from a town that's basically only known for a single tourist attraction. Think Cooperstown, NY or similar. She has struggled financially since marrying 30 years ago and has not been able to return since, though she speaks fondly of it and has cried when she talks about how she can't afford to visit. Two of her adult children did move there, so she hasn't seen them in 5+ years, either. All that to say, there are emotions surrounding this place for her.

DH recently planned a trip to this city to visit this tourist attraction, and I know it'll hurt her feelings if she finds out. We speak almost every day, so hiding a 6-day road trip will be tough, especially if she asks where we are. Advice?

What does this mean? Did he plan this 6-day trip without your knowledge? I would've been upfront from the beginning. If this was a very close friend and I could afford it, I might even invite her to join us for the last couple of days.

He'd planned it for him and the kids because I had a business trip, but that trip cancelled, so now I'm going. He would definitely NOT pay to fly her out, a hotel room, and all her food (that's how financially poorly she's done). Would think it's very weird, even.

How "financially poor she's done?" Wow. You sound like a peach.

I'm actually very considerate toward her circumstances (I paid for her to attend both her parents' funerals with my airline miles), but I also know DCUM doesn't understand truly poor, so I wanted to make it crystal clear. But that's cool. Don't care what you think about me since she knows what I've done.

Ok troll. You said in your OP that she has not been back to her hometown in 30 years but apparently you flew her out for both of her parents' funerals. That makes no sense. Also if she were "truly poor" you would not talk daily -- as someone with poor relatives I know their lives are too unstable to have that kind of contact and in any case they don't maintain the same phone numbers for long and are often without phone service because they cannot afford to pay for a normal cell phone contract.

Nothing about this scenario makes sense -- you either made it up entirely for some reason or you've twisted a bunch of facts either to conceal your identity or make yourself look better than you actually are in this situation and the result is a total mess that no one can follow and that is why you are getting a lot of questions and criticism instead of advice.

OP didn’t say the parents still lived in that town when they died. And like…poor people can still text and make phone calls. Your comment is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, OP. How poor are her children that they cannot visit their mother, or pay for her to visit them?

How cruel are you to not be able to participate? How close are you really, if you do not know her children and cannot coordinate with them?

My family has some very poor members, and my parents helped them financially on occasion, paying for small trips for them to visit family, and buy clothes.

If this is a friend you talk to every day, then you should be able to do something for her.

I am not buying this story.

Me again. And I do mean the bolded. They would arrive in my city by bus, and my mother would take them to a cheap clothing store and buy them a couple of outfits. They would stay at a relative's home and get all meals paid for by family. At the end of the visit, they would get some cash, and get their return trip paid by my parents or another relative.

When people are dirt poor like this, there is usually dysfunction and disabilities, hidden or obvious, that contribute to the inability to manage their lives and which make relations with any potential children, family and friends sometimes difficult. My poorest relative had both a physical and cognitive disability and had a fraught relationship with her adult child, also poor. At the end of her life, he did end up caring for her.

I would not tell her that your husband visited her hometown. If you can't see your way to helping her visit, maybe due to concerns she would continually ask you for money, then don't twist the knife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close friend of mine is from a town that's basically only known for a single tourist attraction. Think Cooperstown, NY or similar. She has struggled financially since marrying 30 years ago and has not been able to return since, though she speaks fondly of it and has cried when she talks about how she can't afford to visit. Two of her adult children did move there, so she hasn't seen them in 5+ years, either. All that to say, there are emotions surrounding this place for her.

DH recently planned a trip to this city to visit this tourist attraction, and I know it'll hurt her feelings if she finds out. We speak almost every day, so hiding a 6-day road trip will be tough, especially if she asks where we are. Advice?

What does this mean? Did he plan this 6-day trip without your knowledge? I would've been upfront from the beginning. If this was a very close friend and I could afford it, I might even invite her to join us for the last couple of days.

He'd planned it for him and the kids because I had a business trip, but that trip cancelled, so now I'm going. He would definitely NOT pay to fly her out, a hotel room, and all her food (that's how financially poorly she's done). Would think it's very weird, even.

How "financially poor she's done?" Wow. You sound like a peach.

I'm actually very considerate toward her circumstances (I paid for her to attend both her parents' funerals with my airline miles), but I also know DCUM doesn't understand truly poor, so I wanted to make it crystal clear. But that's cool. Don't care what you think about me since she knows what I've done.

Ok troll. You said in your OP that she has not been back to her hometown in 30 years but apparently you flew her out for both of her parents' funerals. That makes no sense. Also if she were "truly poor" you would not talk daily -- as someone with poor relatives I know their lives are too unstable to have that kind of contact and in any case they don't maintain the same phone numbers for long and are often without phone service because they cannot afford to pay for a normal cell phone contract.

Nothing about this scenario makes sense -- you either made it up entirely for some reason or you've twisted a bunch of facts either to conceal your identity or make yourself look better than you actually are in this situation and the result is a total mess that no one can follow and that is why you are getting a lot of questions and criticism instead of advice.

You are correct. She purchases minutes for her cell phone when she can afford to, which is rarely. We talk via Facebook Messenger (you can make "calls") or Signal. She is mentally stable, so that's the only impediment to contact.

Her parents did not pass away in her hometown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

I'm confused. Is this a road trip or are you flying? You've mentioned both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close friend of mine is from a town that's basically only known for a single tourist attraction. Think Cooperstown, NY or similar. She has struggled financially since marrying 30 years ago and has not been able to return since, though she speaks fondly of it and has cried when she talks about how she can't afford to visit. Two of her adult children did move there, so she hasn't seen them in 5+ years, either. All that to say, there are emotions surrounding this place for her.

DH recently planned a trip to this city to visit this tourist attraction, and I know it'll hurt her feelings if she finds out. We speak almost every day, so hiding a 6-day road trip will be tough, especially if she asks where we are. Advice?

What does this mean? Did he plan this 6-day trip without your knowledge? I would've been upfront from the beginning. If this was a very close friend and I could afford it, I might even invite her to join us for the last couple of days.

He'd planned it for him and the kids because I had a business trip, but that trip cancelled, so now I'm going. He would definitely NOT pay to fly her out, a hotel room, and all her food (that's how financially poorly she's done). Would think it's very weird, even.

How "financially poor she's done?" Wow. You sound like a peach.

I'm actually very considerate toward her circumstances (I paid for her to attend both her parents' funerals with my airline miles), but I also know DCUM doesn't understand truly poor, so I wanted to make it crystal clear. But that's cool. Don't care what you think about me since she knows what I've done.

I was the poster who quipped this and want to apologize to OP. Sometimes I hate how snarky I get on this forum.

At the end of the day, you have every right to go on vacation with your family and to enjoy that vacation and for my part in being a jerk here, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

I'm confused. Is this a road trip or are you flying? You've mentioned both.

Dude. Read the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, OP. How poor are her children that they cannot visit their mother, or pay for her to visit them?

How cruel are you to not be able to participate? How close are you really, if you do not know her children and cannot coordinate with them?

My family has some very poor members, and my parents helped them financially on occasion, paying for small trips for them to visit family, and buy clothes.

If this is a friend you talk to every day, then you should be able to do something for her.

I am not buying this story.

I have done many things for her, but I don't feel it's appropriate to use joint spousal money for things like this, so my help is basically limited to things I can with airline miles. I do send larger than necessary Starbucks gifts for celebratory reasons. Yes, her family could use cash, but I know she still mourns the loss of "normal" things like a coffee run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close friend of mine is from a town that's basically only known for a single tourist attraction. Think Cooperstown, NY or similar. She has struggled financially since marrying 30 years ago and has not been able to return since, though she speaks fondly of it and has cried when she talks about how she can't afford to visit. Two of her adult children did move there, so she hasn't seen them in 5+ years, either. All that to say, there are emotions surrounding this place for her.

DH recently planned a trip to this city to visit this tourist attraction, and I know it'll hurt her feelings if she finds out. We speak almost every day, so hiding a 6-day road trip will be tough, especially if she asks where we are. Advice?

What does this mean? Did he plan this 6-day trip without your knowledge? I would've been upfront from the beginning. If this was a very close friend and I could afford it, I might even invite her to join us for the last couple of days.

He'd planned it for him and the kids because I had a business trip, but that trip cancelled, so now I'm going. He would definitely NOT pay to fly her out, a hotel room, and all her food (that's how financially poorly she's done). Would think it's very weird, even.

How "financially poor she's done?" Wow. You sound like a peach.

I'm actually very considerate toward her circumstances (I paid for her to attend both her parents' funerals with my airline miles), but I also know DCUM doesn't understand truly poor, so I wanted to make it crystal clear. But that's cool. Don't care what you think about me since she knows what I've done.

I was the poster who quipped this and want to apologize to OP. Sometimes I hate how snarky I get on this forum.

At the end of the day, you have every right to go on vacation with your family and to enjoy that vacation and for my part in being a jerk here, I'm sorry.

No problem. I get it. Thank you, though.