how do I hide this particular trip from this particular friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

Is it a 6-day road trip or are you flying there? Is there an extra seat in the car?

Hey Larla, John planned a road trip with the kids to Cooperstown to see XYZ. My work trip was cancelled so we’re all going. We have an extra spot in the car, though it will be cramped between the kids. Would you like a ride up? We can drop you off at your son’s house on August 2 and pick you pack up on the 4th.

OMFG. Once again, for the slow ones:

OP is driving to the location, as a road trip.

The friend lives in CALIFORNIA and OP would have to pay for her airfare out here. Which she can’t afford and doesn’t want to do anyway.

Holy shit.

[Anonymous]

If she lives across the country from you, why would she care if you happen to drive through her home town on a road trip?

I don't understand why this would hurt her feelings. Just rip the band aid off and tell her your DH has planned a family road trip and that you'll be driving through her town. Then pause and see what she says. Ask her for tips on where to eat or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

Is it a 6-day road trip or are you flying there? Is there an extra seat in the car?

Hey Larla, John planned a road trip with the kids to Cooperstown to see XYZ. My work trip was cancelled so we’re all going. We have an extra spot in the car, though it will be cramped between the kids. Would you like a ride up? We can drop you off at your son’s house on August 2 and pick you pack up on the 4th.

OMFG. Once again, for the slow ones:

OP is driving to the location, as a road trip.

The friend lives in CALIFORNIA and OP would have to pay for her airfare out here. Which she can’t afford and doesn’t want to do anyway.

Holy shit.

OP created this issue by not conveying a ton of this info in her OP and also in being weirdly rigid and resistant to advice. Her original OP was super confusing because she failed to explain where her friend lived. But it's still confusing because the friend's situation doesn't make sense. Here is what OP has told us:

Friend moved away from hometown (east coast or driving distance from east coast) 30 years ago
Friend had a bad marriage and had at least two kids
Friend now lives in CA and has very little money
Friend's parents died at some point but not in her hometown and OP flew friend to their funerals
Friend's kids both live in friend's hometown even though it's not clear they grew up there or ever lived there with friend
But friend has never visited her kids in her hometown or her hometown at all in 30 years

It just makes no sense. People are struggling to understand why the friend would be upset about OP spending one day in a town that the friend left 30 years ago and has made zero effort to return to even though her own children moved there and she has traveled at other times for her parents' funerals (where the heck did her parents wind up). It's really weird for low income people to scatter this much as a family but then have zero ability to visit each other even once every couple decades.

It's just a preposterous story.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t tell her this, you aren’t very good friends. She is an adult who knows her situation. I doubt she expects you to fly her out there for a day. Mention it is part of a road trip you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

You said ROADTRIP. There’s no airfare involved. She feeds herself daily, so she should have enough money to continue to feed herself. And she could stay with her own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

You said ROADTRIP. There’s no airfare involved. She feeds herself daily, so she should have enough money to continue to feed herself. And she could stay with her own children.

She doesn't live in DC. It would require a plane ticket for her. And her children live in apartments with roommates. Honestly. I know the situation. You do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

Is it a 6-day road trip or are you flying there? Is there an extra seat in the car?

Hey Larla, John planned a road trip with the kids to Cooperstown to see XYZ. My work trip was cancelled so we’re all going. We have an extra spot in the car, though it will be cramped between the kids. Would you like a ride up? We can drop you off at your son’s house on August 2 and pick you pack up on the 4th.

OMFG. Once again, for the slow ones:

OP is driving to the location, as a road trip.

The friend lives in CALIFORNIA and OP would have to pay for her airfare out here. Which she can’t afford and doesn’t want to do anyway.

Holy shit.

OP created this issue by not conveying a ton of this info in her OP and also in being weirdly rigid and resistant to advice. Her original OP was super confusing because she failed to explain where her friend lived. But it's still confusing because the friend's situation doesn't make sense. Here is what OP has told us:

Friend moved away from hometown (east coast or driving distance from east coast) 30 years ago
Friend had a bad marriage and had at least two kids
Friend now lives in CA and has very little money
Friend's parents died at some point but not in her hometown and OP flew friend to their funerals
Friend's kids both live in friend's hometown even though it's not clear they grew up there or ever lived there with friend
But friend has never visited her kids in her hometown or her hometown at all in 30 years

It just makes no sense. People are struggling to understand why the friend would be upset about OP spending one day in a town that the friend left 30 years ago and has made zero effort to return to even though her own children moved there and she has traveled at other times for her parents' funerals (where the heck did her parents wind up). It's really weird for low income people to scatter this much as a family but then have zero ability to visit each other even once every couple decades.

It's just a preposterous story.

It has been many pages now since OP clarified the friend would need to fly out here, and could not pay for it herself, and yet every few comments there’s a new moron scratching their head about road trip/air fare.

[Anonymous]

I dont think this situation is that complicated or unbelievable as pps.

I would tell her you are doing a road trip and kid wants to stop at the football HOF - any other tips on what to do in the area? We'll only have a few hours/one day before you head off to the next place.

If you are doing this via fb messenger she can take some time to digest, and if shes upset she can deal with that on her own time. I wouldn't lie to someone I consider a good friend, but I wouldnt want to rub her nose in it either.

Absolutely do not pay for her ticket or something. PPs suggesting you just stuff her in your car are so delusional. I can almost guarantee none of them have EVER done something like that, but are somehow saying youre an awful person for not. So dumb.

[Anonymous]

She is an adult, and has managed to survive even her children moving there.

No need to be duplicitous and no need to rub it in her face. If it comes up, it comes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

Is this place abroad? I am so confused. Can't she stay with her adult kids who live there?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything for the sole reason that I wouldn't want to deal with her emotional breakdown about her hometown. If she's crying at the mention of this place, she'll never stop about OP going through there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She lives across the country from you, and you're worried she'll find out about your one day stop during your 6 day road trip?

None of this makes sense

Agree. This is some piss poor trolling by OP.

I live in DC, my close friend lives in Honolulu. We have NO IDEA what the other person is doing unless text to make an appt to call due to time differences. If I drove to NYC for a warehouse sex party, does anyone here really think Kayla in Honolulu would know this unless I spelled it out for her? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She lives across the country from you, and you're worried she'll find out about your one day stop during your 6 day road trip?

None of this makes sense

Agree. This is some piss poor trolling by OP.

I live in DC, my close friend lives in Honolulu. We have NO IDEA what the other person is doing unless text to make an appt to call due to time differences. If I drove to NYC for a warehouse sex party, does anyone here really think Kayla in Honolulu would know this unless I spelled it out for her? No.

If you can't see the difference between talking every day with a friend who lives in CA vs. you driving to a one-night sex party and not telling your friend many more time zones away who presumably is not from the warehouse where said sex party takes place, I cannot help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's a grown woman. Just rip the bandaid off. "Jenna, I really debated on whether to tell you this, but you're a grown adult and my friend, and I'd feel terrible keeping this from you: DH and I are going to Kentucky next month. We'll be gone a week. Please let me know if there's anything you want me to drop off with Jenna Jr or take pictures of for you while I'm there."

I still say my advice above is good, even having read BFF is in CA, with the edit to leave off dropping anything off to the adult kids. Text her this, she can manage her own jealousy and sadness privately and then respond to you when she's ready. [u]

A little louder for those In the back.
Adults are responsible for managing their own emotions.
You don’t have to hide anything. Nor should you flaunt it or be passive aggressive.
A sincere offer to take pics or send something is nice.
But you are not responsible for other adult’s feelings.
My mil once sincerely chastised dh and I for going to Rome, because that’s his sister’s fave city and she hasn’t been able to get back there since college.
I should have snapped back at her on the spot but I was young and not wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's a grown woman. Just rip the bandaid off. "Jenna, I really debated on whether to tell you this, but you're a grown adult and my friend, and I'd feel terrible keeping this from you: DH and I are going to Kentucky next month. We'll be gone a week. Please let me know if there's anything you want me to drop off with Jenna Jr or take pictures of for you while I'm there."

I still say my advice above is good, even having read BFF is in CA, with the edit to leave off dropping anything off to the adult kids. Text her this, she can manage her own jealousy and sadness privately and then respond to you when she's ready. [u]

A little louder for those In the back.
Adults are responsible for managing their own emotions.
You don’t have to hide anything. Nor should you flaunt it or be passive aggressive.
A sincere offer to take pics or send something is nice.
But you are not responsible for other adult’s feelings.
My mil once sincerely chastised dh and I for going to Rome, because that’s his sister’s fave city and she hasn’t been able to get back there since college.
I should have snapped back at her on the spot but I was young and not wise.

OP is also not responsible for mentioning the trip in the first place. She can make a choice not to and live with it.