how do I hide this particular trip from this particular friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Niagra Falls?

That’s what I was thinking too

You think the OP's husband, and one free of her kids, share a fascination with . . . Niagra Falls?

I suppose anything is possible.

This is likely why OP isn't sharing where the actual destination is. Because people like you will criticize and start saying how dumb it is. Smart move OP. Don't cave.
P.S. Niagara Falls is awesome to visit.

I was thinking Graceland. Maybe the kid is an Elvis fan.

r
FFS there is plenty more to visit in Memphis than Graceland. Plenty. OP said there was only one reason and this town was only known for this one tourist attraction. Memphis is only famous for Graceland? Seriously?

[Anonymous]

I think people are confused because it is not clear how you being in the town would make it more feasible to get her there..? At first, I think we assumed she lived in your town and you were contemplating letting her hitch a ride there and back with you, having a week with her kids. This wouldn’t cost you anything and I could understand feeling obligated to do that. But that’s not the case. She is on the west coast and you will only be there a day. So, let’s say…you buy her plane ticket. If you can afford that and wanted to do that, you could at any time. It wouldn’t need to be when you are there. Surely you aren’t considering having her stay in your hotel with your family when she could just stay with her kids. Maybe it’s simply awkward to let her know? I get that, but tell her anyway. Make it clear that it is one stop on a road trip. That’s different from buying a plane ticket to go directly there.

[Anonymous]

Who cares what the location is you weirdos! Even weirder is suggesting that OP should take this poor friend on her family vacation! Boundaries, boundaries!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, OP. How poor are her children that they cannot visit their mother, or pay for her to visit them?

How cruel are you to not be able to participate? How close are you really, if you do not know her children and cannot coordinate with them?

My family has some very poor members, and my parents helped them financially on occasion, paying for small trips for them to visit family, and buy clothes.

If this is a friend you talk to every day, then you should be able to do something for her.

I am not buying this story.

I have done many things for her, but I don't feel it's appropriate to use joint spousal money for things like this, so my help is basically limited to things I can with airline miles. I do send larger than necessary Starbucks gifts for celebratory reasons. Yes, her family could use cash, but I know she still mourns the loss of "normal" things like a coffee run.

PP you replied to. I understand. But if you cannot help beyond occasional miles, then please don't mention the trip. That would be cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, OP. How poor are her children that they cannot visit their mother, or pay for her to visit them?

How cruel are you to not be able to participate? How close are you really, if you do not know her children and cannot coordinate with them?

My family has some very poor members, and my parents helped them financially on occasion, paying for small trips for them to visit family, and buy clothes.

If this is a friend you talk to every day, then you should be able to do something for her.

I am not buying this story.

I have done many things for her, but I don't feel it's appropriate to use joint spousal money for things like this, so my help is basically limited to things I can with airline miles. I do send larger than necessary Starbucks gifts for celebratory reasons. Yes, her family could use cash, but I know she still mourns the loss of "normal" things like a coffee run.

PP you replied to. I understand. But if you cannot help beyond occasional miles, then please don't mention the trip. That would be cruel.

Appreciate the advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, OP. How poor are her children that they cannot visit their mother, or pay for her to visit them?

How cruel are you to not be able to participate? How close are you really, if you do not know her children and cannot coordinate with them?

My family has some very poor members, and my parents helped them financially on occasion, paying for small trips for them to visit family, and buy clothes.

If this is a friend you talk to every day, then you should be able to do something for her.

I am not buying this story.

I have done many things for her, but I don't feel it's appropriate to use joint spousal money for things like this, so my help is basically limited to things I can with airline miles. I do send larger than necessary Starbucks gifts for celebratory reasons. Yes, her family could use cash, but I know she still mourns the loss of "normal" things like a coffee run.

PP you replied to. I understand. But if you cannot help beyond occasional miles, then please don't mention the trip. That would be cruel.

Cruel?? The friend cannot gate keep a location for her entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not take her? That seems strange she cannot afford a bus or plane ticket or to drive and stay with the kids.

Typical DCUM.

??? DP here. We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I literally don't know anyone who can't afford to drive or take a bus to stay with family. My immigrant lawn crew and house cleaners all fly back "home" yearly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not take her? That seems strange she cannot afford a bus or plane ticket or to drive and stay with the kids.

Typical DCUM.

??? DP here. We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I literally don't know anyone who can't afford to drive or take a bus to stay with family. My immigrant lawn crew and house cleaners all fly back "home" yearly!

You don't know people who can't afford the gas to drive across the country? Or who own unreliable cars that can't make the trip? A round-trip ticket on Greyhound on a random day next month between LA and DC is $127. You don't know people who literally don't have that much to spare?

https://finance.yahoo.com/news/much-americans-savings-accounts-2023-120041716.html

"How much do you currently have in your savings account? For over a third of Americans, this number is $100 or less.

GOBankingRates recently surveyed 1,000 Americans ages 18 and older to learn more about their banking practices and found that 36% have no more than $100 in their savings account. In a similar study conducted in late 2022, 33% of Americans responded they had $100 or less in savings."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are confused because it is not clear how you being in the town would make it more feasible to get her there..? At first, I think we assumed she lived in your town and you were contemplating letting her hitch a ride there and back with you, having a week with her kids. This wouldn’t cost you anything and I could understand feeling obligated to do that. But that’s not the case. She is on the west coast and you will only be there a day. So, let’s say…you buy her plane ticket. If you can afford that and wanted to do that, you could at any time. It wouldn’t need to be when you are there. Surely you aren’t considering having her stay in your hotel with your family when she could just stay with her kids. Maybe it’s simply awkward to let her know? I get that, but tell her anyway. Make it clear that it is one stop on a road trip. That’s different from buying a plane ticket to go directly there.

OP was never considering trying to take her on the trip -- that is something other PP's suggested or imposed on the thread even though OP clearly had no interest in doing it.

OP's question is purely about hiding the trip from the friend and that's why everyone is confused. Because if the friend lives across the country and OP just talks to her on the phone it really would not be that hard to simply not mention the day in her hometown -- it's not like they will be there a week. It's one day. If OP doesn't want to mention it to spare the friend's feelings then... don't mention it. So easy.

Also it does seem weird that the friend is that touchy about it but if she is then fine -- don't mention it.

Either OP is making this much more dramatic than it needs to be OR there is something more to the story. Like perhaps the friend obsessively stalks OP's DH and kids on social media and OP knows they'll post about it and the friend will get upset. But if that's the scenario there are several other issues at play including the friend maybe following OP's family too closely and OP's family perhaps posting too much to social media. If that's the scenario then OP would have to disclose the trip even if the friend will get mad. Or convince her family not to post about it. In any case at that point we're getting into weird enmeshment and the situation is unnecessarily complicated and perhaps the friend just needs to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

Is it a 6-day road trip or are you flying there? Is there an extra seat in the car?

Hey Larla, John planned a road trip with the kids to Cooperstown to see XYZ. My work trip was cancelled so we’re all going. We have an extra spot in the car, though it will be cramped between the kids. Would you like a ride up? We can drop you off at your son’s house on August 2 and pick you pack up on the 4th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not take her? That seems strange she cannot afford a bus or plane ticket or to drive and stay with the kids.

Typical DCUM.

??? DP here. We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I literally don't know anyone who can't afford to drive or take a bus to stay with family. My immigrant lawn crew and house cleaners all fly back "home" yearly!

You don't know people who can't afford the gas to drive across the country? Or who own unreliable cars that can't make the trip? A round-trip ticket on Greyhound on a random day next month between LA and DC is $127. You don't know people who literally don't have that much to spare?

https://finance.yahoo.com/news/much-americans-savings-accounts-2023-120041716.html

"How much do you currently have in your savings account? For over a third of Americans, this number is $100 or less.

GOBankingRates recently surveyed 1,000 Americans ages 18 and older to learn more about their banking practices and found that 36% have no more than $100 in their savings account. In a similar study conducted in late 2022, 33% of Americans responded they had $100 or less in savings."

NP but just because someone can't afford a trip like that right this moment doesn't mean going 30 YEARS without making a trip they really want to make (to a domestic location). As PP's have said people can generally save up for something like that -- you figure out when the cheap airfare is and save some money over time and stay in a hostel or other cheap accomodations. It would be hard but feasible and people do it all the time. I know people who have taken Greyhounds halfway across the country to visit family.

It's understandable why the friend can't afford to travel to this place today. It is confusing why she hasn't been able to do it for 30 years despite her kids living there. Or why OP could give her airline miles to attend her parents' funerals elsewhere but not to visit her kids once. None of this makes any sense and I don't say that as a rich person who thinks it's NBD to spend a couple grand to visit someone across the country. I say this as someone with a lot of poor and working class family and who has been pretty hard up for cash myself and this story just does not track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you are friends and talk every day, she hasn’t seen her CHILDREN in 5 years, you are in a position to help her, and you won’t? That’s awful.

You don’t have to hang out with her, but take her. Drop her off at one of her kid’s houses.

I am not in a position to help her. Maybe you can drop several grand on someone else's travel (airfare, car, food, hotel), but I cannot.

Is it a 6-day road trip or are you flying there? Is there an extra seat in the car?

Hey Larla, John planned a road trip with the kids to Cooperstown to see XYZ. My work trip was cancelled so we’re all going. We have an extra spot in the car, though it will be cramped between the kids. Would you like a ride up? We can drop you off at your son’s house on August 2 and pick you pack up on the 4th.

What kind of cars do you people drive? Most vehicles really only have space for four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not take her? That seems strange she cannot afford a bus or plane ticket or to drive and stay with the kids.

Typical DCUM.

??? DP here. We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I literally don't know anyone who can't afford to drive or take a bus to stay with family. My immigrant lawn crew and house cleaners all fly back "home" yearly!

You don't know people who can't afford the gas to drive across the country? Or who own unreliable cars that can't make the trip? A round-trip ticket on Greyhound on a random day next month between LA and DC is $127. You don't know people who literally don't have that much to spare?

https://finance.yahoo.com/news/much-americans-savings-accounts-2023-120041716.html

"How much do you currently have in your savings account? For over a third of Americans, this number is $100 or less.

GOBankingRates recently surveyed 1,000 Americans ages 18 and older to learn more about their banking practices and found that 36% have no more than $100 in their savings account. In a similar study conducted in late 2022, 33% of Americans responded they had $100 or less in savings."

NP but just because someone can't afford a trip like that right this moment doesn't mean going 30 YEARS without making a trip they really want to make (to a domestic location). As PP's have said people can generally save up for something like that -- you figure out when the cheap airfare is and save some money over time and stay in a hostel or other cheap accomodations. It would be hard but feasible and people do it all the time. I know people who have taken Greyhounds halfway across the country to visit family.

It's understandable why the friend can't afford to travel to this place today. It is confusing why she hasn't been able to do it for 30 years despite her kids living there. Or why OP could give her airline miles to attend her parents' funerals elsewhere but not to visit her kids once. None of this makes any sense and I don't say that as a rich person who thinks it's NBD to spend a couple grand to visit someone across the country. I say this as someone with a lot of poor and working class family and who has been pretty hard up for cash myself and this story just does not track.

You don't get to dictate how others spend their money (or miles).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, OP. How poor are her children that they cannot visit their mother, or pay for her to visit them?

How cruel are you to not be able to participate? How close are you really, if you do not know her children and cannot coordinate with them?

My family has some very poor members, and my parents helped them financially on occasion, paying for small trips for them to visit family, and buy clothes.

If this is a friend you talk to every day, then you should be able to do something for her.

I am not buying this story.

I have done many things for her, but I don't feel it's appropriate to use joint spousal money for things like this, so my help is basically limited to things I can with airline miles. I do send larger than necessary Starbucks gifts for celebratory reasons. Yes, her family could use cash, but I know she still mourns the loss of "normal" things like a coffee run.

PP you replied to. I understand. But if you cannot help beyond occasional miles, then please don't mention the trip. That would be cruel.

This is idiotic. OP should not be intentionally hurtful, or rub her nose in it. But "My BFF is visiting the town I grew up in to see a tourist attraction, that I can't afford to get to visit myself, and my feelings are hurt because . . . ????" is so irrational that it shouldn't be accommodated, and OP shouldn't contort herself, or lie to her friend, to avoid telling her. Thaty could do far more damage than just being matter of fact with her.

[Anonymous]

Can't you just not mention it to her and not post it on social media?