My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find another school. I have written a version of this many times before but think how this is feeling to your son, who is getting the equivalent of this message roughly 10x as often as you and *also* does know how to fix it. It’s incredibly toxic for them. Keep working on every intervention and medication you can but he will not thrive being called out like this all day every day. He needs a more tolerant and understanding environment.

My biggest parenting regret by FAR was leaving my child in this situation too long- it took years to rebuild their self esteem.

That should say also doesn’t know how to fix his behavior either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.

To a parent it might seem minor. To the school, having potentially ten or more kids DC is upsetting (and ten parents complaining to teacher about your kid) with each incident - well it’s not so minor. People pay for private expecting the school to not tolerate this kind of behavior and address the situation.

Nail on the head. If I'm paying for my well behaved kid to attend a private school and they're coming home and telling me one kid is consistently causing disruptions and derailing class, I'd be pissed. Especially at age 10. I'd be more tolerant of it in early elementary but by 4th/5th grade it's time to get with the program or explore other options. Especially if he's been at the same school with the same kids for 4-5 years, I'm sure they're all over it too.

Pp what sn does your child struggle with that has never impacted any other child?

Inattentive-type ADHD + cognitive processing issues, thanks for asking? Have never had a call home for behavior. She's 2e and we opted for a private school with small classes that would minimize distraction and allow for individual attention. Her school has counseled out disruptive kids and I think it was warranted 🤷🏽‍♀️

And there's a big difference between "occasionally disruptive" and "daily calls home," again especially by age 10.

OP has said the school is a small private that focuses on SEL but is not SN. Consistent classroom disruptions are not going to be ignored in that environment, nor are they fair to the students who want a calm learning environment and instead the teacher is constantly redirecting a kid who's clearly not a good fit.

DP

I also have a 2e girl, that sounds similar to yours. Honestly, I think girls present differently, so we are comparing apples and oranages a bit. My daughter is in a strong academic private with a focus on SEL and Leadership development. I've seen them counsel out boys and turn around a compliment my daughter, because she's quiet. My daughter falls through the cracks while the boys are disruptive. The parents of both types of kids have to be vigilant always. That said, my older daughter was at the same school and was getting hit everyday on the playground by a kids that sounds a bit like OPs. The best thing the school did was ask him to leave. He ended up at an all boys school that takes kids with mild autism, adhd, and mild LDs. I hear he is thriving in his new school. OP need to be very open about his struggles when finding a new school placement. Those schools are out there and well within her budget. He probably doesn't need a school explicitly for SN, but one that caters to mild SN and average to above average intelligence. If she's in NYC there are plenty of options.

I don’t see where op said her child has ever been physically violent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.

To a parent it might seem minor. To the school, having potentially ten or more kids DC is upsetting (and ten parents complaining to teacher about your kid) with each incident - well it’s not so minor. People pay for private expecting the school to not tolerate this kind of behavior and address the situation.

Nail on the head. If I'm paying for my well behaved kid to attend a private school and they're coming home and telling me one kid is consistently causing disruptions and derailing class, I'd be pissed. Especially at age 10. I'd be more tolerant of it in early elementary but by 4th/5th grade it's time to get with the program or explore other options. Especially if he's been at the same school with the same kids for 4-5 years, I'm sure they're all over it too.

Pp what sn does your child struggle with that has never impacted any other child?

I find the prior "well-behaved kid" PPs post offensive -- my kid is SN and other parents clearly didn't like him even though he didn't do things that were bad (just impulsive, interrupts conversation, etc.). I found it ironic that the Mom of the "well-behaved" popular kid that disliked him the most was the Mom of the kid who was actively showing porn to other kids on the school bus on the way home from school. And, another parent's kid was the school pot dealer. And many others were parents of kids who had alcohol problems, sexual assault history, etc. And then there were a couple of kids who regularly used the N word and shot bb guns with my kid on a playdate in ES. (I had know idea the household had any guns, let alone accessible ones.) My kid will interrupt an adult who's talking, maybe say something rude, but he's never done any of the things the neurotypical kids above have done.


Neurotypical kids do neurotypical things that are not "well-behaved". I grew up in a wealthy suburban DMV neighborhood - even the best private schools or catholic schools are no haven - we know many kids at private schools who have guns, and are outwardly discriminatory to females, people of color and lower income people, and who have serious substance abuse problems. If they commit a crime, their parents get lawyers, and it is described as a "prank" and the kids end up with no record. These kids may not be disrupting class, but they are disrupting their peer's social development in a way that, frankly, is worse than disrupting class.

So get off your high horse about an SN kid who interrupts the teacher while speaking or roasts a little harder than his peers who are doing the same. His peers are socially aware enough not to cross the line in front of adults, but guarantee they are crossing many lines in secret.

[Anonymous]

What’s so terrible about saying slaves were sold in Greek marketplaces? This is historically accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find another school. I have written a version of this many times before but think how this is feeling to your son, who is getting the equivalent of this message roughly 10x as often as you and *also* does know how to fix it. It’s incredibly toxic for them. Keep working on every intervention and medication you can but he will not thrive being called out like this all day every day. He needs a more tolerant and understanding environment.

My biggest parenting regret by FAR was leaving my child in this situation too long- it took years to rebuild their self esteem.

I agree with this. Those saying "you'll never know how bad your kid actually is without the communication" are not cognizant of the damage that regular behavior scrutiny causes young children. I vastly prefer the public school that accepts a wider range of behavior because it helps him accept himself which in the long run will be most valuable. The damage from being "the bad kid" at a small private is also my biggest regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of it is they’re trying to make you decide he’s not a fit. And it sounds like he’s not.

This. They can’t outright oust him so they are wearing you down in hopes to do it yourself. I point blank told our school that whatever they hope I will say to my child, we already say every single day, and I don’t want to be bothered about non-violent and minor things my child says.

To a parent it might seem minor. To the school, having potentially ten or more kids DC is upsetting (and ten parents complaining to teacher about your kid) with each incident - well it’s not so minor. People pay for private expecting the school to not tolerate this kind of behavior and address the situation.

Nail on the head. If I'm paying for my well behaved kid to attend a private school and they're coming home and telling me one kid is consistently causing disruptions and derailing class, I'd be pissed. Especially at age 10. I'd be more tolerant of it in early elementary but by 4th/5th grade it's time to get with the program or explore other options. Especially if he's been at the same school with the same kids for 4-5 years, I'm sure they're all over it too.

Pp what sn does your child struggle with that has never impacted any other child?

I find the prior "well-behaved kid" PPs post offensive -- my kid is SN and other parents clearly didn't like him even though he didn't do things that were bad (just impulsive, interrupts conversation, etc.). I found it ironic that the Mom of the "well-behaved" popular kid that disliked him the most was the Mom of the kid who was actively showing porn to other kids on the school bus on the way home from school. And, another parent's kid was the school pot dealer. And many others were parents of kids who had alcohol problems, sexual assault history, etc. And then there were a couple of kids who regularly used the N word and shot bb guns with my kid on a playdate in ES. (I had know idea the household had any guns, let alone accessible ones.) My kid will interrupt an adult who's talking, maybe say something rude, but he's never done any of the things the neurotypical kids above have done.


Neurotypical kids do neurotypical things that are not "well-behaved". I grew up in a wealthy suburban DMV neighborhood - even the best private schools or catholic schools are no haven - we know many kids at private schools who have guns, and are outwardly discriminatory to females, people of color and lower income people, and who have serious substance abuse problems. If they commit a crime, their parents get lawyers, and it is described as a "prank" and the kids end up with no record. These kids may not be disrupting class, but they are disrupting their peer's social development in a way that, frankly, is worse than disrupting class.

So get off your high horse about an SN kid who interrupts the teacher while speaking or roasts a little harder than his peers who are doing the same. His peers are socially aware enough not to cross the line in front of adults, but guarantee they are crossing many lines in secret.

This was our exact experience with DS in public school. Rejected by kids and their parents because his social skills were subpar but mostly because he lacked the situational awareness not to get caught and was mostly repeating things socially savvy kids said in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.

Teacher perspective, with all due respect, that's way easier said than done.

Autism and ADHD are neurological disorders. One does not just decide to behave well or not.

Can you make a blind person quit not being able to see...like ask them to try harder at seeing?
Or a person with loss of hearing be able to hear?

It does not work that way.

Autism and ADHD are not just flip a switch and once you tell them "that's annoying" they just go, OK, and stop.
It does not work that way here either. If it did, that would be incredible! And yet here we are.

OP, please consider leaving this small private before they counsel you out (or maybe you are full pay and they need your money). Go to a public. They will still call you, and call you, and email you there too (ask me how I know). Sooner or later you will get an IEP for your student and hopefully it will be one piece of the puzzle in finding success. Good luck!

Well Said and the issue in schools across the country is that neither teachers not administration have any special training in teaching children with these disorders. It's outrageous that children can be taught by people who don't understand the first thing about their disability. In fact too many don't recognize that it is a disability at all.

[Anonymous]

Op here's the real question
How does your DC feel about the school? Do they have friends? Do they get along with the teachers for the most part?

We are talking about hour stress level. Unfortunately you are going to experience different versions of the same stress no matter where dc is because this is the stress of having a child with a hidden disability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - it’s not a sn school (he does not qualify for one) but they do have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum.

I don’t mind that they are calling me I kind that I don’t know what to do or what they expect of me beyond what I’m already doing of which they are aware

Do you think his life beyond primary school will be better or worse for having been part of the social emotionally focused curriculum? I'm very surprised at how fragile many of these responses are (take him out of the school!). It sounds like you did a great job finding a school.that will help him to make it in the neurotypical world more readily. The things he has been "accused" of are very minor things. He's not calling people bad names (but he will learn to in public school which is a daily roast fest), he isn't physical (but there are daily fist fights in public school), he's just being a kid whose edges are very mildly rougher than his peers. It's just not a big deal. The stress is coming from the school expecting you to put a stop to what they deem as problems. Are they aware of his disabilities?

[Anonymous]

Our public elementary calls all the time. I have stopped answering sometimes because what do they want me to do while I am at the office? Also my kid does something like talk back to the teacher and the teacher gets the aid to “take him for a break.” They reward the bad behavior!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - it’s not a sn school (he does not qualify for one) but they do have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum.

I don’t mind that they are calling me I kind that I don’t know what to do or what they expect of me beyond what I’m already doing of which they are aware

Do you think his life beyond primary school will be better or worse for having been part of the social emotionally focused curriculum? I'm very surprised at how fragile many of these responses are (take him out of the school!). It sounds like you did a great job finding a school.that will help him to make it in the neurotypical world more readily. The things he has been "accused" of are very minor things. He's not calling people bad names (but he will learn to in public school which is a daily roast fest), he isn't physical (but there are daily fist fights in public school), he's just being a kid whose edges are very mildly rougher than his peers. It's just not a big deal. The stress is coming from the school expecting you to put a stop to what they deem as problems. Are they aware of his disabilities?

op - I dont know. in some ways the social emotional curriculum of the school is great. Like having therapy woven INTO your school programme. But in other ways being at a super progressive school who are focused on that piece is a spotlight on dc. So for example things that he has done that have ended in notes home like the comment about being held back, last year he tagged a kid too hard and the kid cried, yesterday he made a joke about putin to a kid with russian heritage - these things might go unseen at public but they are a BIG deal at this school. Idk if that is good or bad. But I do know that 'fixing' that and 'stopping' him feels maybe like being set up to fail. We talk often about kindness and perspective taking and he understands all of that but isn't always able to access it in the moment. Today i found myself saying 'dont try to be funny' which also feels awful! agree also with those who caution that too much scrutiny is bad. I also think a fresh start with a bigger school and new group of kids would maybe be good, but maybe he will make the same missteps there. although maybe there there will be other kids who are also socially misfiring and he can find his people? I really dont know. but a lot of these responses are helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the calls and emails until you get off work.

Not your job to be some bored admin's buddy.

That won't fly at a private school. They don't live in fear of lawsuits from parents because they get to decide what type of student they work with. The school is not a fit for OPs child. I would explore special need private schools and what the public school offers and maybe consider working with an educational consultant who can guide you toward a good fit. Most likely the other parents are complaining and feel it is taking away from their own child's education. I would work with the school as a team. Let them know what you are doing. See what they suggest. Get some expert advise about what might be the right fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - it’s not a sn school (he does not qualify for one) but they do have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum.

I don’t mind that they are calling me I kind that I don’t know what to do or what they expect of me beyond what I’m already doing of which they are aware

Do you think his life beyond primary school will be better or worse for having been part of the social emotionally focused curriculum? I'm very surprised at how fragile many of these responses are (take him out of the school!). It sounds like you did a great job finding a school.that will help him to make it in the neurotypical world more readily. The things he has been "accused" of are very minor things. He's not calling people bad names (but he will learn to in public school which is a daily roast fest), he isn't physical (but there are daily fist fights in public school), he's just being a kid whose edges are very mildly rougher than his peers. It's just not a big deal. The stress is coming from the school expecting you to put a stop to what they deem as problems. Are they aware of his disabilities?

Many of know how private schools work. If they are calling often and things are not improving they are likely going to move toward counseling out. They are documenting. There is no protection from IDEA because they don't get federal funds and work with IEPs. The last thing OP needs to do is take the approach that none of this is a big deal. They obviously are annoyed if they are calling so often. They can't get sued by OP if they counsel out the student, but they can be sued if they let him stay and a parent of a kid who OP's kid bother alleges harassment and physical bulling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the calls and emails until you get off work.

Not your job to be some bored admin's buddy.

That won't fly at a private school. They don't live in fear of lawsuits from parents because they get to decide what type of student they work with. The school is not a fit for OPs child. I would explore special need private schools and what the public school offers and maybe consider working with an educational consultant who can guide you toward a good fit. Most likely the other parents are complaining and feel it is taking away from their own child's education. I would work with the school as a team. Let them know what you are doing. See what they suggest. Get some expert advise about what might be the right fit.

op - again i have spoken with SN schools here and he does not qualify. The only accommodation he needs is around this piece and this piece is not that frequent.
but yes i agree about another school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - it’s not a sn school (he does not qualify for one) but they do have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum.

I don’t mind that they are calling me I kind that I don’t know what to do or what they expect of me beyond what I’m already doing of which they are aware

Do you think his life beyond primary school will be better or worse for having been part of the social emotionally focused curriculum? I'm very surprised at how fragile many of these responses are (take him out of the school!). It sounds like you did a great job finding a school.that will help him to make it in the neurotypical world more readily. The things he has been "accused" of are very minor things. He's not calling people bad names (but he will learn to in public school which is a daily roast fest), he isn't physical (but there are daily fist fights in public school), he's just being a kid whose edges are very mildly rougher than his peers. It's just not a big deal. The stress is coming from the school expecting you to put a stop to what they deem as problems. Are they aware of his disabilities?

Many of know how private schools work. If they are calling often and things are not improving they are likely going to move toward counseling out. They are documenting. There is no protection from IDEA because they don't get federal funds and work with IEPs. The last thing OP needs to do is take the approach that none of this is a big deal. They obviously are annoyed if they are calling so often. They can't get sued by OP if they counsel out the student, but they can be sued if they let him stay and a parent of a kid who OP's kid bother alleges harassment and physical bulling.

I don't see where anyone has mentioned physical bullying?