My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.

[Anonymous]

I can't comment on the public vs. private school aspect, as I've only known public, and I do get frequent phone calls from the school when DC1 gets in trouble. Thankfully those calls have stopped this year.

One of my friends was also getting a lot of calls from her son's public school when he was younger. It became so disruptive that she stopped answering them and changed the primary parent contact to her DH's number. BTW, her son eventually grew out of that phase and went on to finish college and is gainfully employed.

[Anonymous]

Op - it’s not a sn school (he does not qualify for one) but they do have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum.

I don’t mind that they are calling me I kind that I don’t know what to do or what they expect of me beyond what I’m already doing of which they are aware

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is a SN school. Is it?

OP, people are reacting to your inconvenienced/ harried tone and flippancy in your original post. Plus a vague, but potentially contagious, disrespect for teachers. I’ve also known parents who have to do so much “hiring out” to experts that they overlook some critical stuff that can only be done by a parent…could be due to burnout, professional obligations, whatever. And that’s how I read your OP.

Sometimes with all the specialists and strategies and jargon we can step away from our elemental role in emotional connection, regulation, self-acceptance and follow through. I have to remind myself of this all the time, when it seems like so much of my parenting is actually scheduling things and executing other people’s plans.

Also, it doesn’t seem like you care about how your child’s behavior affects others. Tap into your empathy for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is a SN school. Is it?

OP, people are reacting to your inconvenienced/ harried tone and flippancy in your original post. Plus a vague, but potentially contagious, disrespect for teachers. I’ve also known parents who have to do so much “hiring out” to experts that they overlook some critical stuff that can only be done by a parent…could be due to burnout, professional obligations, whatever. And that’s how I read your OP.

Sometimes with all the specialists and strategies and jargon we can step away from our elemental role in emotional connection, regulation, self-acceptance and follow through. I have to remind myself of this all the time, when it seems like so much of my parenting is actually scheduling things and executing other people’s plans.

Also, it doesn’t seem like you care about how your child’s behavior affects others. Tap into your empathy for everyone involved.

I don’t see where op said they have disregard for teachers or a lack of empathy for students. That’s wholly unfair.

Op - we had years of this. I have actual trauma. I moved my dc but from one private to another that has been a better fit because we strategized and together from the get go and also because it was a larger school so when dc socially misfired they could start over.
Sympathies bc I have been there and it’s nigh on impossible to solve for with some of these kids

[Anonymous]

OP - it's good to hear that you are doing meds and therapy. I'm a little unclear what kind of therapy? Does he do any speech therapy for social pragmatic communication? You said social skills group - was that recent? for an ADHD/ASD population? Does he have ongoing support from someone from that practice to discuss and dissect ongoing social interaction? Do you ever sit down with him and explain in a non-judgmental way - yes, everyone is roasting but there are subtle rules about in which situations it's OK, who can be a target and who can't, what subjects are always out of bounds, how different people perceive it, etc. If you have an adult male in the house that explanation might be better coming from him - men roast each other, women don't, so TBH, your explanation of what you think the social rules are might be gendered.

You also might look at the "social thinking" curriculum of Michelle Garcia Winner.

I think it's very common for ASD and ADHD kids not to intuit implicit social rules and nuances. That plus some verbal or physical impulsivity and/or emotional reactivity, can make for some social difficulties. Obvs, he's not a bad kid but doesn't know the rules of omission and commission. He's also got to learn to apologize and make amends. And he may have to make a choice about how to be in the world - popular trash-talker or nice guy but not as popular.

Teachers and admin with a basic knowledge of ASHD and ASD should get this and explain privately to him.

Under the ADA private school is obliged to accommodate him - which may mean having adults redirect him or structure things a little more socially for him - but of course not to the degree of an IEP and "special instruction". Be cautious that your private isn't trying to "constructively" counseling you out by making your DC so closely scrutinized and punished and without positive supports and learning that you self-counsel out. That could be grounds for a discrimination suit against the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - it's good to hear that you are doing meds and therapy. I'm a little unclear what kind of therapy? Does he do any speech therapy for social pragmatic communication? You said social skills group - was that recent? for an ADHD/ASD population? Does he have ongoing support from someone from that practice to discuss and dissect ongoing social interaction? Do you ever sit down with him and explain in a non-judgmental way - yes, everyone is roasting but there are subtle rules about in which situations it's OK, who can be a target and who can't, what subjects are always out of bounds, how different people perceive it, etc. If you have an adult male in the house that explanation might be better coming from him - men roast each other, women don't, so TBH, your explanation of what you think the social rules are might be gendered.

You also might look at the "social thinking" curriculum of Michelle Garcia Winner.

I think it's very common for ASD and ADHD kids not to intuit implicit social rules and nuances. That plus some verbal or physical impulsivity and/or emotional reactivity, can make for some social difficulties. Obvs, he's not a bad kid but doesn't know the rules of omission and commission. He's also got to learn to apologize and make amends. And he may have to make a choice about how to be in the world - popular trash-talker or nice guy but not as popular.

Teachers and admin with a basic knowledge of ASHD and ASD should get this and explain privately to him.

Under the ADA private school is obliged to accommodate him - which may mean having adults redirect him or structure things a little more socially for him - but of course not to the degree of an IEP and "special instruction". Be cautious that your private isn't trying to "constructively" counseling you out by making your DC so closely scrutinized and punished and without positive supports and learning that you self-counsel out. That could be grounds for a discrimination suit against the school.

Op - this is so helpful Ty. I will look up that curriculum.
He did not love the social skills class and at the time the school said he did not need it. He had been doing fine. In most of these situations he does seem to ‘get it.’ But I think you are totally correct that we need to zero in on this and dissect what is going wrong. He has already written multiple sorry notes over the past 10 days so now we need a new modality to attack the issue. I told the school I’d institute a total ban on roasting for the moment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - it’s not a sn school (he does not qualify for one) but they do have an entirely social emotionally focused curriculum.

I don’t mind that they are calling me I kind that I don’t know what to do or what they expect of me beyond what I’m already doing of which they are aware

Maybe look for a private SN school that can help with emotional regulation and conversational nuance. My DS attended one in a different state for 2 years and mainstreamed when we moved here. It cost 65k/yr, which sounds like what you are paying. You will also find a much more sensitive parent community to support you - many parents btdt.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the calls and emails until you get off work.

Not your job to be some bored admin's buddy.

[Anonymous]

You might need a less extremely "hippie" school that can handle managing a kid with a little spunk. They can enforce their rules at school, but they shouldn't be crying to you about it all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't comment on the public vs. private school aspect, as I've only known public, and I do get frequent phone calls from the school when DC1 gets in trouble. Thankfully those calls have stopped this year.

One of my friends was also getting a lot of calls from her son's public school when he was younger. It became so disruptive that she stopped answering them and changed the primary parent contact to her DH's number. BTW, her son eventually grew out of that phase and went on to finish college and is gainfully employed.

my 14 yr old kid is in mcps public middle school. There are days that I an happy if only one teacher out of 7 is calling or emailing. He is not even that disruptive. Sometimes it is about not getting work done, falling behind, etc. Don’t expect things to change in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a huge downside of private. They are not necessarily trying to get rid of your child but they will make you hyper aware of anything and everything. It is very stressful, but typical.

When our child moved to public, the silence of no phone calls was a sweet relief.

Oh my gosh yes, I agree!! We went through 3 years of regular calls and it was so awful. Switched to public and they only call if someone lays hands on someone. It makes life so much easier!! We catch up regularly for iep meetings or behavior check ins but those are scheduled not in the middle of my work day. I didnt realize this was other people's experience too!

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like your child needs a program for students with special needs. He needs someone to work with him specifically about what he can and cannot say in public. You need to get this under control before a classmate responds to his needling people in a physical way. Go to your pediatrician, get a neuropsych, see what they recommend. OT? Therapy? Meds? A behavior plan? Something. Stop making this about the school bothering you at work and figure out what to do to help your kid. It's likely that private school cannot offer your child the services that his disability requires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your child needs a program for students with special needs. He needs someone to work with him specifically about what he can and cannot say in public. You need to get this under control before a classmate responds to his needling people in a physical way. Go to your pediatrician, get a neuropsych, see what they recommend. OT? Therapy? Meds? A behavior plan? Something. Stop making this about the school bothering you at work and figure out what to do to help your kid. It's likely that private school cannot offer your child the services that his disability requires.

If you read the thread op has all these in place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is he?

op - 10.
they emailed today to say he did something else hurtful and they would be calling to explain.
i dont mean to be defensive but part of me wants to just say - look why dont I come pick him up and we'll skip the rest of the week and you can all have a break and so can he.

You sound like you don't want to parent your son properly. He's mean and hurtful to people. Also sounds like his behavior is attention seeking. Why not just step up as a parent and do your job. If you can't do this get a therapist to do it for you.

in what way do you think I'm not doing my job? do you have an sn child? do you think this is something I should be able to completely control?
He is on meds, he has a therapist. He is in sports every day. We have done parent training. Believe me, we do our job.

You are not socializing him properly. I have a SN child and I know it is hard, but you have to help him to understand how his behavior impacts others. Teach and show him empathy. You and a long road ahead of you and you should take on the challenge. You are failing because at 10 he should know better. You needed to start this at 4 or 5 or 6 when you learned about his ADHD. I learned when my kid was 4 and some things are just harder. If your kid is still having these significant challenges and you think you've done everything, then move him to a small private that deals with mild LDs, including ADHD. They will build Team Larlo support system and they will help him a ton for a year or two, then you can move him back onto regular private school. My kid learned a ton of self regulating techniques and is now doing very well.

So everyone on this entire site who is having social challenges with their kid is failing. That's your brilliant observation.
Not only did I start this at 4 or 5 or 6 I started earlier. Kid has been in OT since he was 2, therapy since he was 3 and we have had on off parent training since he was 4. He is on medication and has trialled about 6 of them, has a brilliant psychiatrist, has been to social skills classes, he has taken outschool classes, he is in every sport, he attends a school entirely geared around social emotional learning that costs me $65k a year for which I work extremely hard. We do DAILY mentalization and reflexive thinking work with him and have bought and read every single book on empathy and kindness that you can lay your hands on. We even had a nanny who was a trained therapist. He does not qualify for adhd specific schools where we live bc he has no academic challenges and he does not qualify for asd specific schools bc other than this issue he does not require accommodations at all.
I actually cannot think of a single thing I could do other than what we are already doing other than change schools. but thanks for the daily reminder that I'm failing. btw - sorry to spoil your hot take - I already feel like I'm failing all day every day so you're not breaking any news.

These are pragmatic language challenges and you should bring your child to an SLP for direct instruction and ask for some parent training too. There should be a debrief after each incident reported by the school. What happened? Why? Who was involved? How did people feel? How did his actions/words make others think about him? How does he want other to view him? What are some alternative actions? Can anything be done now to smooth things out? Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - it's good to hear that you are doing meds and therapy. I'm a little unclear what kind of therapy? Does he do any speech therapy for social pragmatic communication? You said social skills group - was that recent? for an ADHD/ASD population? Does he have ongoing support from someone from that practice to discuss and dissect ongoing social interaction? Do you ever sit down with him and explain in a non-judgmental way - yes, everyone is roasting but there are subtle rules about in which situations it's OK, who can be a target and who can't, what subjects are always out of bounds, how different people perceive it, etc. If you have an adult male in the house that explanation might be better coming from him - men roast each other, women don't, so TBH, your explanation of what you think the social rules are might be gendered.

You also might look at the "social thinking" curriculum of Michelle Garcia Winner.

I think it's very common for ASD and ADHD kids not to intuit implicit social rules and nuances. That plus some verbal or physical impulsivity and/or emotional reactivity, can make for some social difficulties. Obvs, he's not a bad kid but doesn't know the rules of omission and commission. He's also got to learn to apologize and make amends. And he may have to make a choice about how to be in the world - popular trash-talker or nice guy but not as popular.

Teachers and admin with a basic knowledge of ASHD and ASD should get this and explain privately to him.

Under the ADA private school is obliged to accommodate him - which may mean having adults redirect him or structure things a little more socially for him - but of course not to the degree of an IEP and "special instruction". Be cautious that your private isn't trying to "constructively" counseling you out by making your DC so closely scrutinized and punished and without positive supports and learning that you self-counsel out. That could be grounds for a discrimination suit against the school.

Op - this is so helpful Ty. I will look up that curriculum.
He did not love the social skills class and at the time the school said he did not need it. He had been doing fine. In most of these situations he does seem to ‘get it.’ But I think you are totally correct that we need to zero in on this and dissect what is going wrong. He has already written multiple sorry notes over the past 10 days so now we need a new modality to attack the issue. I told the school I’d institute a total ban on roasting for the moment

IMO, the thing about social skills class is they are not that easy to apply. Russell Barkley has this thing he says about ADHD kids and moving support/correction up to the "point of performance", and I think it applies to social situations.

Is there a sympathetic teacher he could partner with - someone he could physically look to to get some kind of secret nod about his behavior.
For example, when my ADHD kid wanted to quit sucking his thumb, he didn't want to be told by me to stop sucking his thumb, but I explained that sometimes when you are trying to make or break habits it helps to have a reminder. We worked out secret hand signal when I saw him doing it. It really helped, and he was able to modify his behavior without much further help.