My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.

[Anonymous]

The teachers need to be able to say they’re doing something when confronted by the parents of children your DC is harassing.

[Anonymous]

op - would also love to hear any strategies this group suggests for handling this outside of school.

As far as school goes - I'm at a loss. I don't know any school environment where unkind comments would be ok but I do feel like he is making a mess socially at this one that wont be easily undone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.

do you have a sn child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is he?

op - 10.
they emailed today to say he did something else hurtful and they would be calling to explain.
i dont mean to be defensive but part of me wants to just say - look why dont I come pick him up and we'll skip the rest of the week and you can all have a break and so can he.

You sound like you don't want to parent your son properly. He's mean and hurtful to people. Also sounds like his behavior is attention seeking. Why not just step up as a parent and do your job. If you can't do this get a therapist to do it for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is he?

op - 10.
they emailed today to say he did something else hurtful and they would be calling to explain.
i dont mean to be defensive but part of me wants to just say - look why dont I come pick him up and we'll skip the rest of the week and you can all have a break and so can he.

You sound like you don't want to parent your son properly. He's mean and hurtful to people. Also sounds like his behavior is attention seeking. Why not just step up as a parent and do your job. If you can't do this get a therapist to do it for you.

in what way do you think I'm not doing my job? do you have an sn child? do you think this is something I should be able to completely control?
He is on meds, he has a therapist. He is in sports every day. We have done parent training. Believe me, we do our job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a public school parent, I don’t understand what the school thinks OP can do about these things? My best friend from college has a son at a private school. He has ADHD. She is CONSTANTLY getting calls like this. What’s she supposed to do about it? I thought they were laying the groundwork to kick him out but they have not.

She is supposed to socialize her son properly. It is her job as a parent. She is failing, this is her wake up call, and she's annoyed. If your kid has ADHD your job is harder! You are not excused from your job! The world isn't going to change to accommodate your kid; you need to prepare your kid for the world as it is.

Failing to do this will have longterm consequences. These consequences are worse than being disrupted in a meeting. Btw, give the school your DH's number a day put your phone on silent during the important meetings. The kid's dad is also part of this equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a public school parent, I don’t understand what the school thinks OP can do about these things? My best friend from college has a son at a private school. He has ADHD. She is CONSTANTLY getting calls like this. What’s she supposed to do about it? I thought they were laying the groundwork to kick him out but they have not.

She is supposed to socialize her son properly. It is her job as a parent. She is failing, this is her wake up call, and she's annoyed. If your kid has ADHD your job is harder! You are not excused from your job! The world isn't going to change to accommodate your kid; you need to prepare your kid for the world as it is.

Failing to do this will have longterm consequences. These consequences are worse than being disrupted in a meeting. Btw, give the school your DH's number a day put your phone on silent during the important meetings. The kid's dad is also part of this equation.

who said anything about being excused from their job?
do you realize that the entire basis of autism is social deficits? If you could just 'deal with those' then we all would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.

+1 from a teacher

I’m at a public school and deal with most behaviors myself. I seldomly contact teachers unless it is repeated and very disruptive/ distracting.

Op, how is his behavior at home and in other social situations? Does he say things that are hurtful or bothersome in other contexts? When you talk to him about these situations at school, how does he react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.

+1 from a teacher

I’m at a public school and deal with most behaviors myself. I seldomly contact teachers unless it is repeated and very disruptive/ distracting.

Op, how is his behavior at home and in other social situations? Does he say things that are hurtful or bothersome in other contexts? When you talk to him about these situations at school, how does he react?

op - I would say that overall I have observed him to know the difference (except as it pertains to his brother). This is a somewhat new development. I'd say before the past couple weeks I had seldom if ever had these calls. Doesn't mean he can't be irritable and kind of snappy; but not actually 'hurtful'.
a confluence of the last few weeks is that his school friends have got BIG into 'roasting'. eg he was in a text chain with them last night where they were all roasting each other. His teacher's point is that he is roasting people outside of official 'roasting' situations and of course he isn't able to always grasp the nuance of it. I have told them that I will be telling him he cannot participate in roasts at all; although I think this is a potentially unsustainable approach probably - but in the short term have little choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is he?

op - 10.
they emailed today to say he did something else hurtful and they would be calling to explain.
i dont mean to be defensive but part of me wants to just say - look why dont I come pick him up and we'll skip the rest of the week and you can all have a break and so can he.

You sound like you don't want to parent your son properly. He's mean and hurtful to people. Also sounds like his behavior is attention seeking. Why not just step up as a parent and do your job. If you can't do this get a therapist to do it for you.

in what way do you think I'm not doing my job? do you have an sn child? do you think this is something I should be able to completely control?
He is on meds, he has a therapist. He is in sports every day. We have done parent training. Believe me, we do our job.

You are not socializing him properly. I have a SN child and I know it is hard, but you have to help him to understand how his behavior impacts others. Teach and show him empathy. You and a long road ahead of you and you should take on the challenge. You are failing because at 10 he should know better. You needed to start this at 4 or 5 or 6 when you learned about his ADHD. I learned when my kid was 4 and some things are just harder. If your kid is still having these significant challenges and you think you've done everything, then move him to a small private that deals with mild LDs, including ADHD. They will build Team Larlo support system and they will help him a ton for a year or two, then you can move him back onto regular private school. My kid learned a ton of self regulating techniques and is now doing very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a public school parent, I don’t understand what the school thinks OP can do about these things? My best friend from college has a son at a private school. He has ADHD. She is CONSTANTLY getting calls like this. What’s she supposed to do about it? I thought they were laying the groundwork to kick him out but they have not.

She is supposed to socialize her son properly. It is her job as a parent. She is failing, this is her wake up call, and she's annoyed. If your kid has ADHD your job is harder! You are not excused from your job! The world isn't going to change to accommodate your kid; you need to prepare your kid for the world as it is.

Failing to do this will have longterm consequences. These consequences are worse than being disrupted in a meeting. Btw, give the school your DH's number a day put your phone on silent during the important meetings. The kid's dad is also part of this equation.

who said anything about being excused from their job?
do you realize that the entire basis of autism is social deficits? If you could just 'deal with those' then we all would.

Parent the child you have. It is your job to 'deal with those'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is he?

op - 10.
they emailed today to say he did something else hurtful and they would be calling to explain.
i dont mean to be defensive but part of me wants to just say - look why dont I come pick him up and we'll skip the rest of the week and you can all have a break and so can he.

You sound like you don't want to parent your son properly. He's mean and hurtful to people. Also sounds like his behavior is attention seeking. Why not just step up as a parent and do your job. If you can't do this get a therapist to do it for you.

in what way do you think I'm not doing my job? do you have an sn child? do you think this is something I should be able to completely control?
He is on meds, he has a therapist. He is in sports every day. We have done parent training. Believe me, we do our job.

You are not socializing him properly. I have a SN child and I know it is hard, but you have to help him to understand how his behavior impacts others. Teach and show him empathy. You and a long road ahead of you and you should take on the challenge. You are failing because at 10 he should know better. You needed to start this at 4 or 5 or 6 when you learned about his ADHD. I learned when my kid was 4 and some things are just harder. If your kid is still having these significant challenges and you think you've done everything, then move him to a small private that deals with mild LDs, including ADHD. They will build Team Larlo support system and they will help him a ton for a year or two, then you can move him back onto regular private school. My kid learned a ton of self regulating techniques and is now doing very well.

So everyone on this entire site who is having social challenges with their kid is failing. That's your brilliant observation.
Not only did I start this at 4 or 5 or 6 I started earlier. Kid has been in OT since he was 2, therapy since he was 3 and we have had on off parent training since he was 4. He is on medication and has trialled about 6 of them, has a brilliant psychiatrist, has been to social skills classes, he has taken outschool classes, he is in every sport, he attends a school entirely geared around social emotional learning that costs me $65k a year for which I work extremely hard. We do DAILY mentalization and reflexive thinking work with him and have bought and read every single book on empathy and kindness that you can lay your hands on. We even had a nanny who was a trained therapist. He does not qualify for adhd specific schools where we live bc he has no academic challenges and he does not qualify for asd specific schools bc other than this issue he does not require accommodations at all.
I actually cannot think of a single thing I could do other than what we are already doing other than change schools. but thanks for the daily reminder that I'm failing. btw - sorry to spoil your hot take - I already feel like I'm failing all day every day so you're not breaking any news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is he?

op - 10.
they emailed today to say he did something else hurtful and they would be calling to explain.
i dont mean to be defensive but part of me wants to just say - look why dont I come pick him up and we'll skip the rest of the week and you can all have a break and so can he.

You sound like you don't want to parent your son properly. He's mean and hurtful to people. Also sounds like his behavior is attention seeking. Why not just step up as a parent and do your job. If you can't do this get a therapist to do it for you.

in what way do you think I'm not doing my job? do you have an sn child? do you think this is something I should be able to completely control?
He is on meds, he has a therapist. He is in sports every day. We have done parent training. Believe me, we do our job.

You are not socializing him properly. I have a SN child and I know it is hard, but you have to help him to understand how his behavior impacts others. Teach and show him empathy. You and a long road ahead of you and you should take on the challenge. You are failing because at 10 he should know better. You needed to start this at 4 or 5 or 6 when you learned about his ADHD. I learned when my kid was 4 and some things are just harder. If your kid is still having these significant challenges and you think you've done everything, then move him to a small private that deals with mild LDs, including ADHD. They will build Team Larlo support system and they will help him a ton for a year or two, then you can move him back onto regular private school. My kid learned a ton of self regulating techniques and is now doing very well.

So everyone on this entire site who is having social challenges with their kid is failing. That's your brilliant observation.
Not only did I start this at 4 or 5 or 6 I started earlier. Kid has been in OT since he was 2, therapy since he was 3 and we have had on off parent training since he was 4. He is on medication and has trialled about 6 of them, has a brilliant psychiatrist, has been to social skills classes, he has taken outschool classes, he is in every sport, he attends a school entirely geared around social emotional learning that costs me $65k a year for which I work extremely hard. We do DAILY mentalization and reflexive thinking work with him and have bought and read every single book on empathy and kindness that you can lay your hands on. We even had a nanny who was a trained therapist. He does not qualify for adhd specific schools where we live bc he has no academic challenges and he does not qualify for asd specific schools bc other than this issue he does not require accommodations at all.
I actually cannot think of a single thing I could do other than what we are already doing other than change schools. but thanks for the daily reminder that I'm failing. btw - sorry to spoil your hot take - I already feel like I'm failing all day every day so you're not breaking any news.

Apologies, clearly you are in much deeper than I am. I didn't realize these calls were coming from his SN school. I thought they were coming from a regular private school!

Are there other schools that specialize more in his specific needs? What does his therapist suggest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.

So calling the parent relentlessly will make the autism go away? I'm lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teacher perspective, having worked at a private and now at public: we’ve tried everything on our end and we can’t get the student to stop doing whatever the difficult thing is. All we can do is send them to the office, and in the office they call parents. We need your help to make it stop and we’re grasping at straws. We want to inconvenience you enough that you make a big deal out of it so maybe the kid finally quits doing whatever the thing is that’s offensive.

So calling the parent relentlessly will make the autism go away? I'm lost.

SN schools shouldn't be calling the parents for every one of these issues. If they are worth the price tag they will have a system in place to address these issues without contacting the parents. Sound like OP needs a school better fit for her son's needs.