My school emails me nearly every day with a complaint about something dc has said and Idk what to do.

[Anonymous]

If he was in a public school I can guarantee that you would not get calls like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - a big issue I have is that once you are an sn parent - everything is potentially attributable to the sn. You can no longer tell the difference and it can be so hard to figure out what they can ‘help’ and thus deserving of consequence and what they can’t help. When I look back on me at age 10 I remember so many instances where I said something mean to a kid or they teased me in a way that was unkind. No one really dealt bc that was the late 80s and just par for the course. Ultimately I’m of course going to deal with it regardless. But it can be so tricky when your kid is nt seeming but has this profile - bc it just seems like they are being a punk not that they have a disability - and sometimes they are!

Here's the thing- from the school perspective, if a kid is saying something that they want to sound funny but that is actually hurtful, their disability does not matter. Same for if their disability causes them to have a physical impact on others. My DD's bff is 2e and was counseled out of their former school because when she became disregulated she would windmill and sometimes that resulted in others being hit or objects flying off of surfaces. She could not help her physical outbursts at that age, but she was held accountable for it nonetheless because it had an impact on her classmates and her teacher.

Intent is not something that can be taken into account when it involves others. Schools are not going to let some kids be unkind and other kids be unkind, especially when their disabilities are more invisible. I know it's frustrating but you'll need to be realistic. A private school is going to prioritize 19 other kids' actual experience over 1 kids' intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - a big issue I have is that once you are an sn parent - everything is potentially attributable to the sn. You can no longer tell the difference and it can be so hard to figure out what they can ‘help’ and thus deserving of consequence and what they can’t help. When I look back on me at age 10 I remember so many instances where I said something mean to a kid or they teased me in a way that was unkind. No one really dealt bc that was the late 80s and just par for the course. Ultimately I’m of course going to deal with it regardless. But it can be so tricky when your kid is nt seeming but has this profile - bc it just seems like they are being a punk not that they have a disability - and sometimes they are!

Here's the thing- from the school perspective, if a kid is saying something that they want to sound funny but that is actually hurtful, their disability does not matter. Same for if their disability causes them to have a physical impact on others. My DD's bff is 2e and was counseled out of their former school because when she became disregulated she would windmill and sometimes that resulted in others being hit or objects flying off of surfaces. She could not help her physical outbursts at that age, but she was held accountable for it nonetheless because it had an impact on her classmates and her teacher.

Intent is not something that can be taken into account when it involves others. Schools are not going to let some kids be unkind and other kids be unkind, especially when their disabilities are more invisible. I know it's frustrating but you'll need to be realistic. A private school is going to prioritize 19 other kids' actual experience over 1 kids' intent.

It matters because the school could do LOTS of things to prevent the kids with disabilities from getting disregulated enough to need to windmill (or say unkind things). That child needed more physical stimulation. She should have had movement breaks. That’s so easy to accommodate. She didn’t need to be counseled out. This example makes me angry.

[Anonymous]

My DS9 goes to a small private focused on social emotional learning. He doesn’t have SN but a year ago we received quite a number of phone calls and meetings re behavior.

First, every time there was an issue, our school offered a plan about how to jointly address it—- meetings with the school counselor, external resources, etc. There were solutions offered, not only problems presented.

Secondly, why is stating a fact about slavery in the Greek civilization so out of line? Teachers should have used that as an opportunity to highlight injustice and oppression in that civilization ,and relate it to ours. and not only white wash it with the positive legacy that’s always featured.

With the roasting, which is also a thing in our school, sometimes friends hurt each other. A good lesson for life. Happens with adults too. The lesson here is how to repair. Our school, when feelings get hurt, opens up a reparative process. Our kid has had to write a letter to another kid in 2nd, or discuss feelings with a counselor, etc. schools, esp focused on socio emotional learning have to actually teach and model it. Not just talk about it.

I would raise this with the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS9 goes to a small private focused on social emotional learning. He doesn’t have SN but a year ago we received quite a number of phone calls and meetings re behavior.

First, every time there was an issue, our school offered a plan about how to jointly address it—- meetings with the school counselor, external resources, etc. There were solutions offered, not only problems presented.

Secondly, why is stating a fact about slavery in the Greek civilization so out of line? Teachers should have used that as an opportunity to highlight injustice and oppression in that civilization ,and relate it to ours. and not only white wash it with the positive legacy that’s always featured.

With the roasting, which is also a thing in our school, sometimes friends hurt each other. A good lesson for life. Happens with adults too. The lesson here is how to repair. Our school, when feelings get hurt, opens up a reparative process. Our kid has had to write a letter to another kid in 2nd, or discuss feelings with a counselor, etc. schools, esp focused on socio emotional learning have to actually teach and model it. Not just talk about it.

I would raise this with the school.

Op - your school sounds great. I would love this! Are you in dc?

I’ve done a lot of heavy lifting the last ten days between therapy and my own coaching at home, a new social skills class, I set time with his psych and much more.
I think you’re totally right - it rubs me the wrong way to not have it be more like you describe. I pay so much partly bc I want them to be my partner in this - not land the ball squarely in my court to ‘fix’ his personality. Of course no kid whether sn or nt can go around saying things that are hurtful. But if i wanted someone to say ‘this is not cool, deal with it’ - I feel like I could get that pov for free and then maybe retire before I’m 85.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - a big issue I have is that once you are an sn parent - everything is potentially attributable to the sn. You can no longer tell the difference and it can be so hard to figure out what they can ‘help’ and thus deserving of consequence and what they can’t help. When I look back on me at age 10 I remember so many instances where I said something mean to a kid or they teased me in a way that was unkind. No one really dealt bc that was the late 80s and just par for the course. Ultimately I’m of course going to deal with it regardless. But it can be so tricky when your kid is nt seeming but has this profile - bc it just seems like they are being a punk not that they have a disability - and sometimes they are!

Here's the thing- from the school perspective, if a kid is saying something that they want to sound funny but that is actually hurtful, their disability does not matter. Same for if their disability causes them to have a physical impact on others. My DD's bff is 2e and was counseled out of their former school because when she became disregulated she would windmill and sometimes that resulted in others being hit or objects flying off of surfaces. She could not help her physical outbursts at that age, but she was held accountable for it nonetheless because it had an impact on her classmates and her teacher.

Intent is not something that can be taken into account when it involves others. Schools are not going to let some kids be unkind and other kids be unkind, especially when their disabilities are more invisible. I know it's frustrating but you'll need to be realistic. A private school is going to prioritize 19 other kids' actual experience over 1 kids' intent.

It matters because the school could do LOTS of things to prevent the kids with disabilities from getting disregulated enough to need to windmill (or say unkind things). That child needed more physical stimulation. She should have had movement breaks. That’s so easy to accommodate. She didn’t need to be counseled out. This example makes me angry.

Private schools don’t care about inclusion, educating “the whole child”, supporting children with disabilities (unless it’s the kind that looks good on promo materials). They want pliant kids who easily meet the school’s academic standards.

Of course they could accommodate the child in the above example. But of course they choose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - a big issue I have is that once you are an sn parent - everything is potentially attributable to the sn. You can no longer tell the difference and it can be so hard to figure out what they can ‘help’ and thus deserving of consequence and what they can’t help. When I look back on me at age 10 I remember so many instances where I said something mean to a kid or they teased me in a way that was unkind. No one really dealt bc that was the late 80s and just par for the course. Ultimately I’m of course going to deal with it regardless. But it can be so tricky when your kid is nt seeming but has this profile - bc it just seems like they are being a punk not that they have a disability - and sometimes they are!

Here's the thing- from the school perspective, if a kid is saying something that they want to sound funny but that is actually hurtful, their disability does not matter. Same for if their disability causes them to have a physical impact on others. My DD's bff is 2e and was counseled out of their former school because when she became disregulated she would windmill and sometimes that resulted in others being hit or objects flying off of surfaces. She could not help her physical outbursts at that age, but she was held accountable for it nonetheless because it had an impact on her classmates and her teacher.

Intent is not something that can be taken into account when it involves others. Schools are not going to let some kids be unkind and other kids be unkind, especially when their disabilities are more invisible. I know it's frustrating but you'll need to be realistic. A private school is going to prioritize 19 other kids' actual experience over 1 kids' intent.

It matters because the school could do LOTS of things to prevent the kids with disabilities from getting disregulated enough to need to windmill (or say unkind things). That child needed more physical stimulation. She should have had movement breaks. That’s so easy to accommodate. She didn’t need to be counseled out. This example makes me angry.

Private schools don’t care about inclusion, educating “the whole child”, supporting children with disabilities (unless it’s the kind that looks good on promo materials). They want pliant kids who easily meet the school’s academic standards.

Of course they could accommodate the child in the above example. But of course they choose not to.

I don’t think you can generalize. There are many private schools with different styles. There are also many many socially challenged kids with a lot of money. Schools need to survive just like any other business

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - a big issue I have is that once you are an sn parent - everything is potentially attributable to the sn. You can no longer tell the difference and it can be so hard to figure out what they can ‘help’ and thus deserving of consequence and what they can’t help. When I look back on me at age 10 I remember so many instances where I said something mean to a kid or they teased me in a way that was unkind. No one really dealt bc that was the late 80s and just par for the course. Ultimately I’m of course going to deal with it regardless. But it can be so tricky when your kid is nt seeming but has this profile - bc it just seems like they are being a punk not that they have a disability - and sometimes they are!

Here's the thing- from the school perspective, if a kid is saying something that they want to sound funny but that is actually hurtful, their disability does not matter. Same for if their disability causes them to have a physical impact on others. My DD's bff is 2e and was counseled out of their former school because when she became disregulated she would windmill and sometimes that resulted in others being hit or objects flying off of surfaces. She could not help her physical outbursts at that age, but she was held accountable for it nonetheless because it had an impact on her classmates and her teacher.

Intent is not something that can be taken into account when it involves others. Schools are not going to let some kids be unkind and other kids be unkind, especially when their disabilities are more invisible. I know it's frustrating but you'll need to be realistic. A private school is going to prioritize 19 other kids' actual experience over 1 kids' intent.

It matters because the school could do LOTS of things to prevent the kids with disabilities from getting disregulated enough to need to windmill (or say unkind things). That child needed more physical stimulation. She should have had movement breaks. That’s so easy to accommodate. She didn’t need to be counseled out. This example makes me angry.

Private schools don’t care about inclusion, educating “the whole child”, supporting children with disabilities (unless it’s the kind that looks good on promo materials). They want pliant kids who easily meet the school’s academic standards.

Of course they could accommodate the child in the above example. But of course they choose not to.

I don’t think you can generalize. There are many private schools with different styles. There are also many many socially challenged kids with a lot of money. Schools need to survive just like any other business

Of course we can generalize. These schools don't want disabled kids. How is this a question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - a big issue I have is that once you are an sn parent - everything is potentially attributable to the sn. You can no longer tell the difference and it can be so hard to figure out what they can ‘help’ and thus deserving of consequence and what they can’t help. When I look back on me at age 10 I remember so many instances where I said something mean to a kid or they teased me in a way that was unkind. No one really dealt bc that was the late 80s and just par for the course. Ultimately I’m of course going to deal with it regardless. But it can be so tricky when your kid is nt seeming but has this profile - bc it just seems like they are being a punk not that they have a disability - and sometimes they are!

Here's the thing- from the school perspective, if a kid is saying something that they want to sound funny but that is actually hurtful, their disability does not matter. Same for if their disability causes them to have a physical impact on others. My DD's bff is 2e and was counseled out of their former school because when she became disregulated she would windmill and sometimes that resulted in others being hit or objects flying off of surfaces. She could not help her physical outbursts at that age, but she was held accountable for it nonetheless because it had an impact on her classmates and her teacher.

Intent is not something that can be taken into account when it involves others. Schools are not going to let some kids be unkind and other kids be unkind, especially when their disabilities are more invisible. I know it's frustrating but you'll need to be realistic. A private school is going to prioritize 19 other kids' actual experience over 1 kids' intent.

It matters because the school could do LOTS of things to prevent the kids with disabilities from getting disregulated enough to need to windmill (or say unkind things). That child needed more physical stimulation. She should have had movement breaks. That’s so easy to accommodate. She didn’t need to be counseled out. This example makes me angry.

Private schools don’t care about inclusion, educating “the whole child”, supporting children with disabilities (unless it’s the kind that looks good on promo materials). They want pliant kids who easily meet the school’s academic standards.

Of course they could accommodate the child in the above example. But of course they choose not to.

I don’t think you can generalize. There are many private schools with different styles. There are also many many socially challenged kids with a lot of money. Schools need to survive just like any other business

Of course we can generalize. These schools don't want disabled kids. How is this a question?

Some of these schools don't, but the reality is that a LOT of privates have kids with various disabilities because they could not be as well served (seemingly or in reality) in public. I would say that about 80% of my kid's class at a mainstream private has kids with ADHD and/or other disabilities. Yes, they can be more picky than public about behavior and can also refuse to do certain interventions, but they certainly can't afford to wholesale write off kids with disabilities, or many of them would have a big drop in enrollment and interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - a big issue I have is that once you are an sn parent - everything is potentially attributable to the sn. You can no longer tell the difference and it can be so hard to figure out what they can ‘help’ and thus deserving of consequence and what they can’t help. When I look back on me at age 10 I remember so many instances where I said something mean to a kid or they teased me in a way that was unkind. No one really dealt bc that was the late 80s and just par for the course. Ultimately I’m of course going to deal with it regardless. But it can be so tricky when your kid is nt seeming but has this profile - bc it just seems like they are being a punk not that they have a disability - and sometimes they are!

Here's the thing- from the school perspective, if a kid is saying something that they want to sound funny but that is actually hurtful, their disability does not matter. Same for if their disability causes them to have a physical impact on others. My DD's bff is 2e and was counseled out of their former school because when she became disregulated she would windmill and sometimes that resulted in others being hit or objects flying off of surfaces. She could not help her physical outbursts at that age, but she was held accountable for it nonetheless because it had an impact on her classmates and her teacher.

Intent is not something that can be taken into account when it involves others. Schools are not going to let some kids be unkind and other kids be unkind, especially when their disabilities are more invisible. I know it's frustrating but you'll need to be realistic. A private school is going to prioritize 19 other kids' actual experience over 1 kids' intent.

It matters because the school could do LOTS of things to prevent the kids with disabilities from getting disregulated enough to need to windmill (or say unkind things). That child needed more physical stimulation. She should have had movement breaks. That’s so easy to accommodate. She didn’t need to be counseled out. This example makes me angry.

Private schools don’t care about inclusion, educating “the whole child”, supporting children with disabilities (unless it’s the kind that looks good on promo materials). They want pliant kids who easily meet the school’s academic standards.

Of course they could accommodate the child in the above example. But of course they choose not to.

I don’t think you can generalize. There are many private schools with different styles. There are also many many socially challenged kids with a lot of money. Schools need to survive just like any other business

Of course we can generalize. These schools don't want disabled kids. How is this a question?

Some of these schools don't, but the reality is that a LOT of privates have kids with various disabilities because they could not be as well served (seemingly or in reality) in public. I would say that about 80% of my kid's class at a mainstream private has kids with ADHD and/or other disabilities. Yes, they can be more picky than public about behavior and can also refuse to do certain interventions, but they certainly can't afford to wholesale write off kids with disabilities, or many of them would have a big drop in enrollment and interest.

this. a huge chunk of private school kids are ones who weren't getting the right attn in public. My dc's mainstream private has a neurodiversity support group which was inspired by a kid who came from another private where they had one. At least 25% of my kid's class is neurodiverse and the school isn't even known for that. It's certainly not rare.
also there are many shades of neurodiversity. A kid with inattentive adhd who cannot stay on task and is consistently (class after class) distracting others or a kid with slow processing speed who cannot keep up is a bigger issue than a kid with intermittent issues. It's very dependent and also dependent on the parents and their willingness to provide supports as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was in a public school I can guarantee that you would not get calls like this.

Not true. Public middle schools in this region will call. Trust me. My child entered middle school, got bullied by other kids for being "sped" and it completely changed his personality. The constant negative attention from peers and teachers has harmed him so much that we are pulling him out of public school. Hoping that placement in a SN school will give him some confidence back and he won't be the odd man out.