How much effort towards your appearance does your spouse expect?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

Cool. Not all of us have the same hair. No way my thick hair dries AND looks nice in 10 minutes.

I agree. He!!, I have thin hair and it takes longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.

The dry shampoo lady just proved the old adage that women dress up for other women, not for their spouses. She was the most critical person on the thread.

Whatever. Women dress up for men. Do you think a community made solely of women would regularly diet and use daily eyebrow pencils?
Do you know a lot of lesbians who do?

I attend many professional events for women only. They are dressed and primped to the max, even more so than the same event when everyone attends.

Really?
What kind of profession?
I played sports in college and have been to a women in medicine conference and a knitting conference, and no one was dressed up at any of it.
I’m kind of fascinated by this other world that I don’t have contact with.

I’m not surprised by medicine and obviously knitting. Most of my doctor friends don’t dress up despite any old stereotypes.

Think law/finance but even when there STEM types

I mean, I’m a doctor. I went to this conference with my doctor friends and I go to other conferences with doctors.

Women were considerably less dressed up when there were no men around. And much, much less dressed up than when we go out with our husbands.

Why is it important information that you played sports in college? It was not really relevant except to say “I am/was very sporty and healthy” So, you may not be judging women by their mascara, eyeliner and heels, but you are judging them on fitness levels.

I didn’t mean it that way. I meant to say that I spent 30+ hours a week in a group of women with no men around (and we managed to deal with spiders).

[Anonymous]

My mom is a doctor and loves jewelry and dressing pretty, although she’s not been a makeup person for a long time (her skin is ultra sensitive and oily, so she actually doesn’t have many wrinkles either). It has nothing to do with men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

Cool. Not all of us have the same hair. No way my thick hair dries AND looks nice in 10 minutes.

I agree. He!!, I have thin hair and it takes longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.

The dry shampoo lady just proved the old adage that women dress up for other women, not for their spouses. She was the most critical person on the thread.

Whatever. Women dress up for men. Do you think a community made solely of women would regularly diet and use daily eyebrow pencils?
Do you know a lot of lesbians who do?

I attend many professional events for women only. They are dressed and primped to the max, even more so than the same event when everyone attends.

Really?
What kind of profession?
I played sports in college and have been to a women in medicine conference and a knitting conference, and no one was dressed up at any of it.
I’m kind of fascinated by this other world that I don’t have contact with.

I’m not surprised by medicine and obviously knitting. Most of my doctor friends don’t dress up despite any old stereotypes.

Think law/finance but even when there STEM types

I mean, I’m a doctor. I went to this conference with my doctor friends and I go to other conferences with doctors.

Women were considerably less dressed up when there were no men around. And much, much less dressed up than when we go out with our husbands.

Why is it important information that you played sports in college? It was not really relevant except to say “I am/was very sporty and healthy” So, you may not be judging women by their mascara, eyeliner and heels, but you are judging them on fitness levels.

I didn’t mean it that way. I meant to say that I spent 30+ hours a week in a group of women with no men around (and we managed to deal with spiders).

But college sports doesn't provide great context on whether woman alone would dress up. I would imagine quite a lot of your time together was sweating and traveling to and from sweating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t let things go and put a solid amount of effort into my day to day appearance but my DH has put on a lot of weight and, honestly, it does impact my attraction to him. It’s not just the extra weight but also the complete lack of effort that’s unattractive. Poor eating habits and a lack of physical activity is kind of a turn off to me, it turns out.

I agree I am in the same boat. I am 43 and I put a good amount of effort into my appearance. I am about 10 lbs heavier than my pre-marriage and kids weight, but I still workout regularly and i think I look pretty good. At one point my husband lost a bunch of weight and looked better than before we got married, but he has gained a lot of weight back on and he literally never exercises, ever. It definitely takes a hit on my attraction for him.

[Anonymous]

I shave the under carriage because DW likes it.

[Anonymous]

I worked professionally for many years so I got use to being pretty well dressed and it's carried over to my day to day. I don't do it for my husband but I know he appreciates how I look. I don't have the figure I had 30 years ago but I can still look good. When I show up in bed wearing a very nice nightgown I get many compliments. Men are so easy!

[Anonymous]

I get what you’re saying. I’m a little younger than you but if you’re anything like me, you’re just mentally and physically done trying to be “f*ckable.” You’ve probably been dieting and restricting food since your late teens/early 20s. When you go clothes shopping your entire mental energy is focused on “omg but is this FLATTERING???” Even if something otherwise fits well and is comfy and your style. And now you want to wear clothes that might just be comfy and not flattering and order the creamy pasta at dinner and an extra glass of wine too!

Yes, I think you should go for it. Let loose a little. I’m sure your husband doesn’t weigh the same or have the same head of hair that he had on your wedding day. Getting older happens to all of us and life is too short to hold onto the BS. For your own health’s sake, remain as active as you can be in activities that you like, and stay engaged in what’s going on in the world (at 50, you’re likely still working/not retired so this is easier, but just something to keep in mind for later). And order the dessert when you go out and buy the stretchy pants and comfortable sandals and live your best life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The expectations are high but they were openly communicated early on. So knew what the expectations are. They match with what I expect of myself. Therefore I don’t have an issue.

I’m curious. What were the expectations exactly and how were they communicated?

In general to be well dressed and groomed, put together. Clothes appropriate for the situation/event. Dresses, skirts, nice pants and blouse are daily wear. Shoes appropriate for the outfit. Most people would probably describe it as a snotty B aesthetic. Sweatpants and hoodies completely out, he doesn't wear them either. If its' athleisure it should be styled, don't look like a slob. Wear properly fitting high quality lingerie, doesn't have to be lacy and frilly.

It was more of "hey I love your style and how well you always dress, I would appreciate you not slacking in that category as we move through life." Certain things highlighted or pointed out in conversation that I picked up on. We are on the same page and he definitely appreciates my efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The expectations are high but they were openly communicated early on. So knew what the expectations are. They match with what I expect of myself. Therefore I don’t have an issue.

I’m curious. What were the expectations exactly and how were they communicated?

In general to be well dressed and groomed, put together. Clothes appropriate for the situation/event. Dresses, skirts, nice pants and blouse are daily wear. Shoes appropriate for the outfit. Most people would probably describe it as a snotty B aesthetic. Sweatpants and hoodies completely out, he doesn't wear them either. If its' athleisure it should be styled, don't look like a slob. Wear properly fitting high quality lingerie, doesn't have to be lacy and frilly.

It was more of "hey I love your style and how well you always dress, I would appreciate you not slacking in that category as we move through life." Certain things highlighted or pointed out in conversation that I picked up on. We are on the same page and he definitely appreciates my efforts.

This reminds me so much of the threads about social class status anxiety. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The expectations are high but they were openly communicated early on. So knew what the expectations are. They match with what I expect of myself. Therefore I don’t have an issue.

I’m curious. What were the expectations exactly and how were they communicated?

In general to be well dressed and groomed, put together. Clothes appropriate for the situation/event. Dresses, skirts, nice pants and blouse are daily wear. Shoes appropriate for the outfit. Most people would probably describe it as a snotty B aesthetic. Sweatpants and hoodies completely out, he doesn't wear them either. If its' athleisure it should be styled, don't look like a slob. Wear properly fitting high quality lingerie, doesn't have to be lacy and frilly.

It was more of "hey I love your style and how well you always dress, I would appreciate you not slacking in that category as we move through life." Certain things highlighted or pointed out in conversation that I picked up on. We are on the same page and he definitely appreciates my efforts.

He actually said that? Wow. Just wow. Takes some balls, I'll give him that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked professionally for many years so I got use to being pretty well dressed and it's carried over to my day to day. I don't do it for my husband but I know he appreciates how I look. I don't have the figure I had 30 years ago but I can still look good. When I show up in bed wearing a very nice nightgown I get many compliments. Men are so easy!

Most are, which is why I don't understand complaining about making the most basic effort to look nice/groom for the man who loves you. Most men aren't so ridiculous that they expect you to look 20 when you're 40, but at least tweeze your eyebrows so you don't look like Brezhnev.

[Anonymous]

Mine would care. But he cares about how he looks too so it's not a one way street.

I am 46 and actually enjoy getting my hair and makeup done. I enjoy looking nice. He compliments me often and especially when I put the extra effort in.

But this us. Not every man cares so you'll know best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The expectations are high but they were openly communicated early on. So knew what the expectations are. They match with what I expect of myself. Therefore I don’t have an issue.

I’m curious. What were the expectations exactly and how were they communicated?

In general to be well dressed and groomed, put together. Clothes appropriate for the situation/event. Dresses, skirts, nice pants and blouse are daily wear. Shoes appropriate for the outfit. Most people would probably describe it as a snotty B aesthetic. Sweatpants and hoodies completely out, he doesn't wear them either. If its' athleisure it should be styled, don't look like a slob. Wear properly fitting high quality lingerie, doesn't have to be lacy and frilly.

It was more of "hey I love your style and how well you always dress, I would appreciate you not slacking in that category as we move through life." Certain things highlighted or pointed out in conversation that I picked up on. We are on the same page and he definitely appreciates my efforts.

He actually said that? Wow. Just wow. Takes some balls, I'll give him that.

.

I understood what he was saying and in context of the conversation it wasn’t off base.

I know he a serious girlfriend that would frequently underdress to the point it would force him to change plans or back out of invites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The expectations are high but they were openly communicated early on. So knew what the expectations are. They match with what I expect of myself. Therefore I don’t have an issue.

I’m curious. What were the expectations exactly and how were they communicated?

In general to be well dressed and groomed, put together. Clothes appropriate for the situation/event. Dresses, skirts, nice pants and blouse are daily wear. Shoes appropriate for the outfit. Most people would probably describe it as a snotty B aesthetic. Sweatpants and hoodies completely out, he doesn't wear them either. If its' athleisure it should be styled, don't look like a slob. Wear properly fitting high quality lingerie, doesn't have to be lacy and frilly.

It was more of "hey I love your style and how well you always dress, I would appreciate you not slacking in that category as we move through life." Certain things highlighted or pointed out in conversation that I picked up on. We are on the same page and he definitely appreciates my efforts.

He actually said that? Wow. Just wow. Takes some balls, I'll give him that.

.

I understood what he was saying and in context of the conversation it wasn’t off base.

I know he a serious girlfriend that would frequently underdress to the point it would force him to change plans or back out of invites.

This is a far different scenario than "letting yourself go." This is more not dressing appropriate for an occasion.

[Anonymous]

I always try to look good but not overly so. My husband is very complimentary and I really like that but looking good is about me and not him. Even if I’m going to be around our home all day I generally look pretty good with my hair and makeup nice and casual.