How much effort towards your appearance does your spouse expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m turning 50 and ready to drop the rope. I just want to be who I am naturally, eat what I want, and wear comfortable clothes. I’ve gained some weight and hate shopping. DH doesn’t say anything to me regarding my appearance, good or bad. Any other women let things go? Did it affect your marriage?

My wife did the same thing about a year or so ago and I hate to admit it but I feel like its damaged our connection. We have our minor issues like every couple. There’s a lot of responsibility in raising our son and running our business. Whenever she gets stressed she really takes it out on us - she’s a naturally very driven person. This works great in the business world but is hard on personal relationships.

In the past, it would make me resent her but the resent would fade within days because I was so attracted to her. Now that she’s given up there’s really no attraction and nothing to pull me back in. Like I can’t remember a time in our 20 year relationship where there was just zero attraction and no interest in sleeping with her. The problem now is that there’s nothing to pull me back whenever she treats me like crap. Each time she does that I just have less interest in being around her.

I would say that if you want to let yourself go, make sure that you make things better in other areas to compensate - maybe it will help.

Thanks for man-splainin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m turning 50 and ready to drop the rope. I just want to be who I am naturally, eat what I want, and wear comfortable clothes. I’ve gained some weight and hate shopping. DH doesn’t say anything to me regarding my appearance, good or bad. Any other women let things go? Did it affect your marriage?

My wife did the same thing about a year or so ago and I hate to admit it but I feel like its damaged our connection. We have our minor issues like every couple. There’s a lot of responsibility in raising our son and running our business. Whenever she gets stressed she really takes it out on us - she’s a naturally very driven person. This works great in the business world but is hard on personal relationships.

In the past, it would make me resent her but the resent would fade within days because I was so attracted to her. Now that she’s given up there’s really no attraction and nothing to pull me back in. Like I can’t remember a time in our 20 year relationship where there was just zero attraction and no interest in sleeping with her. The problem now is that there’s nothing to pull me back whenever she treats me like crap. Each time she does that I just have less interest in being around her.

I would say that if you want to let yourself go, make sure that you make things better in other areas to compensate - maybe it will help.

Thanks for man-splainin.

I actually thought this take added to the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m turning 50 and ready to drop the rope. I just want to be who I am naturally, eat what I want, and wear comfortable clothes. I’ve gained some weight and hate shopping. DH doesn’t say anything to me regarding my appearance, good or bad. Any other women let things go? Did it affect your marriage?

My wife did the same thing about a year or so ago and I hate to admit it but I feel like its damaged our connection. We have our minor issues like every couple. There’s a lot of responsibility in raising our son and running our business. Whenever she gets stressed she really takes it out on us - she’s a naturally very driven person. This works great in the business world but is hard on personal relationships.

In the past, it would make me resent her but the resent would fade within days because I was so attracted to her. Now that she’s given up there’s really no attraction and nothing to pull me back in. Like I can’t remember a time in our 20 year relationship where there was just zero attraction and no interest in sleeping with her. The problem now is that there’s nothing to pull me back whenever she treats me like crap. Each time she does that I just have less interest in being around her.

I would say that if you want to let yourself go, make sure that you make things better in other areas to compensate - maybe it will help.

Thanks for man-splainin.

I actually thought this take added to the discussion.

I thought so too but maybe not in the way the PP intended. So men (or at least PP) put up with lots of objectively bad behavior if the woman is attractive enough. Seems depressing actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m turning 50 and ready to drop the rope. I just want to be who I am naturally, eat what I want, and wear comfortable clothes. I’ve gained some weight and hate shopping. DH doesn’t say anything to me regarding my appearance, good or bad. Any other women let things go? Did it affect your marriage?

My wife did the same thing about a year or so ago and I hate to admit it but I feel like its damaged our connection. We have our minor issues like every couple. There’s a lot of responsibility in raising our son and running our business. Whenever she gets stressed she really takes it out on us - she’s a naturally very driven person. This works great in the business world but is hard on personal relationships.

In the past, it would make me resent her but the resent would fade within days because I was so attracted to her. Now that she’s given up there’s really no attraction and nothing to pull me back in. Like I can’t remember a time in our 20 year relationship where there was just zero attraction and no interest in sleeping with her. The problem now is that there’s nothing to pull me back whenever she treats me like crap. Each time she does that I just have less interest in being around her.

I would say that if you want to let yourself go, make sure that you make things better in other areas to compensate - maybe it will help.

Did you keep yourself up for her? Is your personality always sparkling? I'd really lover you wife's take on the situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"5 plus years ago I quit wearing makeup. He said I liked when you got all fixed up. I just told him if he didn't like my look he could either stop looking at me or find someone else that cared what he liked."

Wow. I'm a 50-something woman and I'm floored by this. You're actually encouraging him to leave you for someone else because you can't be bothered to spend 15 minutes on basic grooming and primping a day? I can put on eyebrow pencil, mascara, face lotion with a bit of tint and SPF, and lipstick in less than 5 minutes. It takes about 20 minutes to wax and/or tweeze my brows once a week. It takes maybe 10 minutes every other day to dry and style my hair in a basic way.

Some of you should watch old episodes of What Not to Wear to see the examples of outfits that are just as comfortable and easy to put on in the morning as sweatpants.

Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.

That PP made me laugh. If you really loved your husband, you would pencil in your eyebrows for him.

It’s such a double standard. Men don’t do skin care, nail care, makeup or style their hair. Why should women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m turning 50 and ready to drop the rope. I just want to be who I am naturally, eat what I want, and wear comfortable clothes. I’ve gained some weight and hate shopping. DH doesn’t say anything to me regarding my appearance, good or bad. Any other women let things go? Did it affect your marriage?

My wife did the same thing about a year or so ago and I hate to admit it but I feel like its damaged our connection. We have our minor issues like every couple. There’s a lot of responsibility in raising our son and running our business. Whenever she gets stressed she really takes it out on us - she’s a naturally very driven person. This works great in the business world but is hard on personal relationships.

In the past, it would make me resent her but the resent would fade within days because I was so attracted to her. Now that she’s given up there’s really no attraction and nothing to pull me back in. Like I can’t remember a time in our 20 year relationship where there was just zero attraction and no interest in sleeping with her. The problem now is that there’s nothing to pull me back whenever she treats me like crap. Each time she does that I just have less interest in being around her.

I would say that if you want to let yourself go, make sure that you make things better in other areas to compensate - maybe it will help.

Thanks for man-splainin.

I actually thought this take added to the discussion.

I thought so too but maybe not in the way the PP intended. So men (or at least PP) put up with lots of objectively bad behavior if the woman is attractive enough. Seems depressing actually.

So do women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

Cool. Not all of us have the same hair. No way my thick hair dries AND looks nice in 10 minutes.

I agree. He!!, I have thin hair and it takes longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

Cool. Not all of us have the same hair. No way my thick hair dries AND looks nice in 10 minutes.

I agree. He!!, I have thin hair and it takes longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.

The dry shampoo lady just proved the old adage that women dress up for other women, not for their spouses. She was the most critical person on the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t let things go and put a solid amount of effort into my day to day appearance but my DH has put on a lot of weight and, honestly, it does impact my attraction to him. It’s not just the extra weight but also the complete lack of effort that’s unattractive. Poor eating habits and a lack of physical activity is kind of a turn off to me, it turns out.

Same. I make an effort to look nice and take care of myself, while DH has seemingly stopped caring about taking care of himself (not in a depressed way, just isn’t concerned). It’s disappointing especially since I’m 10 years younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH would never say that he expects me to maintain any specific aspect of my appearance. Like he would not say he cares about my hair or wearing makeup or that I need to maintain a certain weight or anything like that.

But I believe that my not dropping the rope, dressing up for a dinner out, exercising, behavior that makes it clear that I care about being attractive to him and being healthy for our life together is something that strengthens our marriage overall. And I am not some extreme 'maintain a size 2 and full makeup every day' person or anything. I'm sitting at my desk next to his desk right now unshowered, hair unbrushed in a sweatshirt so its not like a 100% on all the time thing.

But checking out on life is unattractive and damaging to a relationship not because you aren't hot enough, but because it shows a lack of interest and connection. Not just to your spouse but to the world at large. And it is hard to be in a relationship with someone who is checked out and uninterested.

Well put - I totally agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m turning 50 and ready to drop the rope. I just want to be who I am naturally, eat what I want, and wear comfortable clothes. I’ve gained some weight and hate shopping. DH doesn’t say anything to me regarding my appearance, good or bad. Any other women let things go? Did it affect your marriage?

My wife did the same thing about a year or so ago and I hate to admit it but I feel like its damaged our connection. We have our minor issues like every couple. There’s a lot of responsibility in raising our son and running our business. Whenever she gets stressed she really takes it out on us - she’s a naturally very driven person. This works great in the business world but is hard on personal relationships.

In the past, it would make me resent her but the resent would fade within days because I was so attracted to her. Now that she’s given up there’s really no attraction and nothing to pull me back in. Like I can’t remember a time in our 20 year relationship where there was just zero attraction and no interest in sleeping with her. The problem now is that there’s nothing to pull me back whenever she treats me like crap. Each time she does that I just have less interest in being around her.

I would say that if you want to let yourself go, make sure that you make things better in other areas to compensate - maybe it will help.

Did you keep yourself up for her? Is your personality always sparkling? I'd really lover you wife's take on the situation

Yes, I do stay fit and try to be the best version of myself though I’m certainly not perfect. Thats all I ask for in return - its not for her to dress nice or look attractive all the time. I’d settle for staying fit and wearing athleisure - no need to dress up for me.

[Anonymous]

Ever since I went through early menopause for medical reasons, my weight has been all over the board and difficult to manage. DH has never once commented on my weight gain/loss/gain/loss. He does comment on when he likes my outfit, hair, etc. Thank goodness he’s in this for the long haul.

[Anonymous]

The expectations are high but they were openly communicated early on. So knew what the expectations are. They match with what I expect of myself. Therefore I don’t have an issue.

[Anonymous]

I just came to respond to this, but a couple drops of butter from my hefty bowl of ravioli dropped on my phone screen and I had to get up to grab a wipe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ExW letting herself go was one of a number of symptoms of us drifting further and further apart. Atypical of most men, I sought marriage counseling for us; she wasn’t interested. Eventually, I left and later remarried. To my knowledge, she’s never dated since that time. Perhaps she just wanted to be on her own.

If my DH leaves me I’m going to live in a cottage by the edge of the woods doing crafts and cooking and other witch things in perfect bliss with some extra weight tucked into long cotton dresses.

+1 Crones unite!