How much effort towards your appearance does your spouse expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

Cool. Not all of us have the same hair. No way my thick hair dries AND looks nice in 10 minutes.

I agree. He!!, I have thin hair and it takes longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.

The dry shampoo lady just proved the old adage that women dress up for other women, not for their spouses. She was the most critical person on the thread.

Whatever. Women dress up for men. Do you think a community made solely of women would regularly diet and use daily eyebrow pencils?
Do you know a lot of lesbians who do?

Yes, women are very competitive with each other about looks. Think of moms going on a girls night out. They’ll dress up.

I guess I don’t see this.
I mean, there is a level of dressing down that’s disrespectful or not appropriate for the venue.

I don’t really see a lot of married women dressing up to come over for playgroup or book club. Or at least not the way they do if the men are also coming.

[Anonymous]

You may want to rethink the weight issue. You are entering the wonderful world of menopause and will probably gain weight. Even if you don’t, your body changes, especially around your waist. This comes as a surprise, especially to thin women, who ever had belly fat issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

Cool. Not all of us have the same hair. No way my thick hair dries AND looks nice in 10 minutes.

I agree. He!!, I have thin hair and it takes longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.

The dry shampoo lady just proved the old adage that women dress up for other women, not for their spouses. She was the most critical person on the thread.

Whatever. Women dress up for men. Do you think a community made solely of women would regularly diet and use daily eyebrow pencils?
Do you know a lot of lesbians who do?

Yes, women are very competitive with each other about looks. Think of moms going on a girls night out. They’ll dress up.

I guess I don’t see this.
I mean, there is a level of dressing down that’s disrespectful or not appropriate for the venue.

I don’t really see a lot of married women dressing up to come over for playgroup or book club. Or at least not the way they do if the men are also coming.

Not to your house but a restaurant. Not penciling in your eyebrows isn’t disrespectful to the venue.

[Anonymous]

Both DH and I have maintained our weight and try to stay in shape for health reasons. Of course it’s easier for him (he has a very fast metabolism so will drop 10 lbs by cutting out his 11pm snack, I eat sub 1500 calories to maintain).

I dress up to a certain extent for work. Light makeup. Do my hair for events. Weekends I’m in jeans or athleisure unless we go out.

But we are both aging. Less hair, more loose skin, etc. that’s life. We try to do it gracefully and our if respect for each other try to still look clean, fit and well kempt without going overboard or age inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

Cool. Not all of us have the same hair. No way my thick hair dries AND looks nice in 10 minutes.

I agree. He!!, I have thin hair and it takes longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.

The dry shampoo lady just proved the old adage that women dress up for other women, not for their spouses. She was the most critical person on the thread.

Whatever. Women dress up for men. Do you think a community made solely of women would regularly diet and use daily eyebrow pencils?
Do you know a lot of lesbians who do?

I attend many professional events for women only. They are dressed and primped to the max, even more so than the same event when everyone attends.

Really?
What kind of profession?
I played sports in college and have been to a women in medicine conference and a knitting conference, and no one was dressed up at any of it.
I’m kind of fascinated by this other world that I don’t have contact with.

I’m not surprised by medicine and obviously knitting. Most of my doctor friends don’t dress up despite any old stereotypes.

Think law/finance but even when there STEM types

I mean, I’m a doctor. I went to this conference with my doctor friends and I go to other conferences with doctors.

Women were considerably less dressed up when there were no men around. And much, much less dressed up than when we go out with our husbands.

Why is it important information that you played sports in college? It was not really relevant except to say “I am/was very sporty and healthy” So, you may not be judging women by their mascara, eyeliner and heels, but you are judging them on fitness levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

Cool. Not all of us have the same hair. No way my thick hair dries AND looks nice in 10 minutes.

I agree. He!!, I have thin hair and it takes longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.

The dry shampoo lady just proved the old adage that women dress up for other women, not for their spouses. She was the most critical person on the thread.

Whatever. Women dress up for men. Do you think a community made solely of women would regularly diet and use daily eyebrow pencils?
Do you know a lot of lesbians who do?

Yes, women are very competitive with each other about looks. Think of moms going on a girls night out. They’ll dress up.

Another great example!

I'm sure some of that is competitiveness. I think some of it is that they probably don't get to go out all that often, so they want to make it a big special occasion. I'll just give you by contrast, I'm a 50 year old DINK so I have a lot more free time than people with little kids - and so honestly I don't get all that dressed up when I go out. It's normal for me to go out, not that big a deal.

[Anonymous]

DH honestly doesn’t care, has been ready to jump my bones even at my heaviest and disgusting postpartum, but the way that I look matters to me, if I don’t feel good about the way I look I don’t feel attractive.

Plus I want to remain in good health as I age.

[Anonymous]

I really only care that my spouse maintains an exercise habit which I try to give them time for because it has a huge impact on their overall mood and makes them easier to live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people really have talks about their appearance expectations for their spouses? WTF?

And how are you folks going to react to the normal sagging and things that come along with aging? Or what about medical problems? I had 3 major surgeries in a 12-mos. period a few years back. My DH had to change my multiple surgical drains. I have large scars all over my body. Nothing can be done with those. Will those of you fixated on looks (I'm otherwise fairly attractive but scarred and some extra weight in the ensuing years) just dump someone like that? How would you react?

Life happens folks. I get looks are important but they are not something that lasts.

Absolutely they do. I'm 40s; DH 50s. Things are definitely not hanging like they used to hang, but that doesn't mean we don't still care about our appearance. A few years ago DH complained that I always wanted the lights off during sex and I finally confessed that I don't like my stomach anymore. I'm slim, but my stomach isn't tight. He said, "You've had three kids; we're not 20 years old anymore. I don't care! You're beautiful and I want to see you." Yes, I care a lot about my appearance and spend a lot of time on it - I go to the gym, I take a lot of time with my hair and make up in the morning, I wear nice, flattering clothing. DH also takes great care of himself; exercises a lot and is still trim and toned. Always dressed well. I love this about him. Doesn't mean I wouldn't happily change his surgical drains; of course I would. DH has done some very intimate things for me at the worst moments of my life...don't even want to type them here because they're so gross. Doesn't impact our attraction to each other. It only makes me love him more that he has seen me at my very worst and still loves me, wants me, thinks I'm beautiful. Of course people age and the looks of our youth fade but that does not mean that one can't strive to look one's best at every stage in life. Some people do give up. I'm glad that DH and I aren't among them.

[Anonymous]

My husband expects me to look good because most of the time I want to look good for myself so it’s what he is use to. The fact that he often comments on how I look is a real bonus. Even after 35 years of marriage it’s nice that I can still get that kind of attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I have maintained our weight and try to stay in shape for health reasons. Of course it’s easier for him (he has a very fast metabolism so will drop 10 lbs by cutting out his 11pm snack, I eat sub 1500 calories to maintain).

I dress up to a certain extent for work. Light makeup. Do my hair for events. Weekends I’m in jeans or athleisure unless we go out.

But we are both aging. Less hair, more loose skin, etc. that’s life. We try to do it gracefully and our if respect for each other try to still look clean, fit and well kempt without going overboard or age inappropriate.

Yes, I think respect for ones self and spouse has a lot to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I have maintained our weight and try to stay in shape for health reasons. Of course it’s easier for him (he has a very fast metabolism so will drop 10 lbs by cutting out his 11pm snack, I eat sub 1500 calories to maintain).

I dress up to a certain extent for work. Light makeup. Do my hair for events. Weekends I’m in jeans or athleisure unless we go out.

But we are both aging. Less hair, more loose skin, etc. that’s life. We try to do it gracefully and our if respect for each other try to still look clean, fit and well kempt without going overboard or age inappropriate.

Yes, I think respect for ones self and spouse has a lot to do with it.

But most of these replies don't really talk about "level" of effort. They are written more like an off/on switch. I am turning 50 and I put in so much more effort into my general wellbeing now than when I was 25. I never stretched in my 20s, If I am not stretching everyday, on the third day, my muscles get sticky and it's hard to move. I didn't wear much makeup at all in my 20s and I lived in sweatpants when i wasn't at work (ahead of the times, I say!). But now my features are fading, sweats look slovenly not cute, so I spend time putting on makeup, picking good clothes. Unlike the Judgy Lady above, I think it takes so much more time for me to get to a good base level each day. So for now, I am keeping up everything but it's a lot of time so I can see why someone gets to a certain age and wants to reclaim that time back for more pleasurable things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people really have talks about their appearance expectations for their spouses? WTF?

And how are you folks going to react to the normal sagging and things that come along with aging? Or what about medical problems? I had 3 major surgeries in a 12-mos. period a few years back. My DH had to change my multiple surgical drains. I have large scars all over my body. Nothing can be done with those. Will those of you fixated on looks (I'm otherwise fairly attractive but scarred and some extra weight in the ensuing years) just dump someone like that? How would you react?

Life happens folks. I get looks are important but they are not something that lasts.

Absolutely they do. I'm 40s; DH 50s. Things are definitely not hanging like they used to hang, but that doesn't mean we don't still care about our appearance. A few years ago DH complained that I always wanted the lights off during sex and I finally confessed that I don't like my stomach anymore. I'm slim, but my stomach isn't tight. He said, "You've had three kids; we're not 20 years old anymore. I don't care! You're beautiful and I want to see you." Yes, I care a lot about my appearance and spend a lot of time on it - I go to the gym, I take a lot of time with my hair and make up in the morning, I wear nice, flattering clothing. DH also takes great care of himself; exercises a lot and is still trim and toned. Always dressed well. I love this about him. Doesn't mean I wouldn't happily change his surgical drains; of course I would. DH has done some very intimate things for me at the worst moments of my life...don't even want to type them here because they're so gross. Doesn't impact our attraction to each other. It only makes me love him more that he has seen me at my very worst and still loves me, wants me, thinks I'm beautiful. Of course people age and the looks of our youth fade but that does not mean that one can't strive to look one's best at every stage in life. Some people do give up. I'm glad that DH and I aren't among them.

You said it though. Not everyone wants to “spend a lot of time” on their looks. And that doesn’t mean they’re giving up. And the expectation that they should spend so much time- what you described is a lot with kids and work and other obligations- is not reasonable.

If you have to move me around with a crane- ok. But if I e just relaxed my beauty routine, that should not be grounds for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I have maintained our weight and try to stay in shape for health reasons. Of course it’s easier for him (he has a very fast metabolism so will drop 10 lbs by cutting out his 11pm snack, I eat sub 1500 calories to maintain).

I dress up to a certain extent for work. Light makeup. Do my hair for events. Weekends I’m in jeans or athleisure unless we go out.

But we are both aging. Less hair, more loose skin, etc. that’s life. We try to do it gracefully and our if respect for each other try to still look clean, fit and well kempt without going overboard or age inappropriate.

Yes, I think respect for ones self and spouse has a lot to do with it.

But most of these replies don't really talk about "level" of effort. They are written more like an off/on switch. I am turning 50 and I put in so much more effort into my general wellbeing now than when I was 25. I never stretched in my 20s, If I am not stretching everyday, on the third day, my muscles get sticky and it's hard to move. I didn't wear much makeup at all in my 20s and I lived in sweatpants when i wasn't at work (ahead of the times, I say!). But now my features are fading, sweats look slovenly not cute, so I spend time putting on makeup, picking good clothes. Unlike the Judgy Lady above, I think it takes so much more time for me to get to a good base level each day. So for now, I am keeping up everything but it's a lot of time so I can see why someone gets to a certain age and wants to reclaim that time back for more pleasurable things.

+1. OP here and I relate to this sentiment. I would like to have that time back and the mental space. So much mental energy goes into planing what to eat, counting macros, working out, meal planning, hair, make up. I’d like to lean out. Not care as much.

Despite weight gain, DH and I have a regular sex life. Just wondering if other women and loosening up one their regime as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style.
If you want to live like this, totally fine! But please don't disparage women who feel differently.Not all women want to spend time doing eyebrow pencils and lipstick. And my long thick hair takes way longer than 10 minutes to dry and style."

I'm the person who wrote that and I've got the thickest hair of anyone I know in DC, and it falls below my shoulders. Get a good cut and style that doesn't take forever to do every other day. Learn how to use dry shampoo.

My hair is waist length and thick. There is no way it would ever dry in 10 mins. Your hair is quite a bit shorter and likely much thinner if it dries that quickly.