How much effort towards your appearance does your spouse expect?

[Anonymous]

I’m turning 50 and ready to drop the rope. I just want to be who I am naturally, eat what I want, and wear comfortable clothes. I’ve gained some weight and hate shopping. DH doesn’t say anything to me regarding my appearance, good or bad. Any other women let things go? Did it affect your marriage?

[Anonymous]

I haven’t let things go and put a solid amount of effort into my day to day appearance but my DH has put on a lot of weight and, honestly, it does impact my attraction to him. It’s not just the extra weight but also the complete lack of effort that’s unattractive. Poor eating habits and a lack of physical activity is kind of a turn off to me, it turns out.

[Anonymous]

ExW letting herself go was one of a number of symptoms of us drifting further and further apart. Atypical of most men, I sought marriage counseling for us; she wasn’t interested. Eventually, I left and later remarried. To my knowledge, she’s never dated since that time. Perhaps she just wanted to be on her own.

[Anonymous]

DH doesn’t care at all about my hair, makeup, or clothing. If I make an effort with that stuff he asks who I am getting dolled up for.

However if I gained a significant amount of weight it would be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Clean, fit, moisturized.

He doesn’t really care about the rest.

[Anonymous]

0

I almost never wear makeup. I wear athleisure 99% of the time.

I have maintained my weight and my hair. So idk how he'd react to that. But I don't think he'd care.

[Anonymous]

My DH doesn’t care but I care. I’ve lost weight recently and I feel so much better and am more confident. I have to do a lot of public speaking and leading meetings for my job so being comfortable with myself makes a difference. OP do what you want but make sure you aren’t going to be uncomfortable or unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

I try to look good mostly for my own self esteem but i do enjoy compliments from my husband. I don’t spend a lot of time on getting ready to go out, just enough to feel good. I can’t imagine just letting myself go.

[Anonymous]

My DH would never say that he expects me to maintain any specific aspect of my appearance. Like he would not say he cares about my hair or wearing makeup or that I need to maintain a certain weight or anything like that.

But I believe that my not dropping the rope, dressing up for a dinner out, exercising, behavior that makes it clear that I care about being attractive to him and being healthy for our life together is something that strengthens our marriage overall. And I am not some extreme 'maintain a size 2 and full makeup every day' person or anything. I'm sitting at my desk next to his desk right now unshowered, hair unbrushed in a sweatshirt so its not like a 100% on all the time thing.

But checking out on life is unattractive and damaging to a relationship not because you aren't hot enough, but because it shows a lack of interest and connection. Not just to your spouse but to the world at large. And it is hard to be in a relationship with someone who is checked out and uninterested.

[Anonymous]

OP check in. I don’t feel the need to maintain a visually appealing weight or wear flattering, uncomfortable clothing. I do well at my job. I’m not in a social circle where it matters. DH never complemented me when I was very fit and tried very hard. I’d like to stop jumping through the hoops of skipping desserts and exercise to stay thin. It feels like I’m only doing it for DH, and I don’t think he really cares either way. But he doesn’t say anything, so I don’t really know what would happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP check in. I don’t feel the need to maintain a visually appealing weight or wear flattering, uncomfortable clothing. I do well at my job. I’m not in a social circle where it matters. DH never complemented me when I was very fit and tried very hard. I’d like to stop jumping through the hoops of skipping desserts and exercise to stay thin. It feels like I’m only doing it for DH, and I don’t think he really cares either way. But he doesn’t say anything, so I don’t really know what would happen.

OP these two scenarios are different:

1) Woman who has always been very fit/thin/put together eases up a bit and gains 15 pounds or so by just taking it easier, eating the cake every once in awhile etc. Goes from maybe a size 4/6 to a 10/12 and stops wearing super tight uncomfortable jeans and spanx but who generally still has self confidence and takes some pride in their appearance and puts on a dress to go to dinner

2) Woman who has always been very fit/thin/put together gives up entirely and walks around the house wearing sweats/leggings holding a bag of chips 24/7, stops exercising, gains a significant amount of weight and puts zero effort into her appearance at any time and just generally becomes rather slovenly

I think scenario 1 is extremely normal and reasonable and will have little to no impact on your marriage. Probably it would even have a positive impact on your marriage because you will be happier and more relaxed and your husband will likely feel exactly the same about you.

Scenario 2 would likely convey the message to your husband that you just are kind of checking out of life and might be depressed/in need of support and would be more likely to have an impact on your marriage negatively.

[Anonymous]

We expect the other keep good hygiene, good grooming,and clothes that fit and are appropriate for the occasion neither of us are too fussy about a particular style or weight though we have both gained a little but we are moderately active and try to eat healthy

[Anonymous]

Do people really have talks about their appearance expectations for their spouses? WTF?

And how are you folks going to react to the normal sagging and things that come along with aging? Or what about medical problems? I had 3 major surgeries in a 12-mos. period a few years back. My DH had to change my multiple surgical drains. I have large scars all over my body. Nothing can be done with those. Will those of you fixated on looks (I'm otherwise fairly attractive but scarred and some extra weight in the ensuing years) just dump someone like that? How would you react?

Life happens folks. I get looks are important but they are not something that lasts.

[Anonymous]

None. I however expect myself to keep it together because looking good makes me feel good.

Unfortunately, that has the side effect of making my DH appreciate my appearance a bit TOO much. I have to beat him away with a stick quite often. But I don’t mind

[Anonymous]

None. I am happy to do it for myself. I wish he would take better care of his appearance, though!