How much effort towards your appearance does your spouse expect?

[Anonymous]

I feel best in terms of energy/sluggishness when I eat fairly healthy. Do we split a dessert sometimes? Sure! Glass of wine when I go out? Sure! But sitting down with a box of crackers will make me feel a little unwell even though 84 handfuls of Wheat Thins would taste great.

I will take a week off from working out maybe once a year or so, but I like feeling strong and capable.

It's only if I'm wearing a dress for a work event or wedding that I wear Spanx, otherwise my dressier clothes are pretty comfortable.

[Anonymous]

LOL

I don't care what my husband thinks. I am who I am and he doesn't get a vote on that.

5 plus years ago I quit wearing makeup. He said I liked when you got all fixed up. I just told him if he didn't like my look he could either stop looking at me or find someone else that cared what he liked.

My body is clean. My hair is clean. My clothes are clean and match. My mouth is clean. Well sometimes I do use dirty words.

His appearance ? He needs makeup. LMAO !!

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. My mom is in her late sixties, still diets and worries that she is fat, spends a lot of time buying new clothes, getting her hair and nails done, Botox, etc. It seems exhausting to think about doing this for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

He expects none, and loves and appreciates me no matter what. But we have been together 20 years and when I go through periods of putting in extra effort he seems happy. Lots of smiling, lol.

[Anonymous]

I have pretty high expectations for my spouse. I have let him know in the past he needs to shape up because it was affecting my attraction and he did.

I do a lot to stay looking good so my expectations are warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ExW letting herself go was one of a number of symptoms of us drifting further and further apart. Atypical of most men, I sought marriage counseling for us; she wasn’t interested. Eventually, I left and later remarried. To my knowledge, she’s never dated since that time. Perhaps she just wanted to be on her own.

Can’t imagine why.

[Anonymous]

Some is appreciated by both of us, but none is expected on either side. We're together until death, we're both going to look differently than we did at 19.

[Anonymous]

"5 plus years ago I quit wearing makeup. He said I liked when you got all fixed up. I just told him if he didn't like my look he could either stop looking at me or find someone else that cared what he liked."

Wow. I'm a 50-something woman and I'm floored by this. You're actually encouraging him to leave you for someone else because you can't be bothered to spend 15 minutes on basic grooming and primping a day? I can put on eyebrow pencil, mascara, face lotion with a bit of tint and SPF, and lipstick in less than 5 minutes. It takes about 20 minutes to wax and/or tweeze my brows once a week. It takes maybe 10 minutes every other day to dry and style my hair in a basic way.

Some of you should watch old episodes of What Not to Wear to see the examples of outfits that are just as comfortable and easy to put on in the morning as sweatpants.

[Anonymous]

My spouse is cool with pretty much any level of grooming/primping/dressing up as long as I stay reasonably fit. That's the one (appearance-related) thing he cares about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people really have talks about their appearance expectations for their spouses? WTF?

And how are you folks going to react to the normal sagging and things that come along with aging? Or what about medical problems? I had 3 major surgeries in a 12-mos. period a few years back. My DH had to change my multiple surgical drains. I have large scars all over my body. Nothing can be done with those. Will those of you fixated on looks (I'm otherwise fairly attractive but scarred and some extra weight in the ensuing years) just dump someone like that? How would you react?

Life happens folks. I get looks are important but they are not something that lasts.

+1 to this reality check, and to this PSA about how we cannot control everything. When it comes to illness, injury and normal aging, we may not be able to control anything. I really wonder sometimes about whether people truly understand that they will not only age, they and their spouses -- even the thin, eat-healthy, workout spouses -- may end up with medical issues. I am NOT saying, just stop being healthy, it's useless; I'm saying, appreciate your health rather than focusing on "My spouse expects X type of effort about my appearance, and I expect X type of effort on my spouse's part."

I see this type of "my spouse expects me to be thin," "I should wear makeup for my spouse," "My spouse gained weight and now I have zero interest in them" posts on DCUM fairly frequently. They make me despair at how shallow the roots of some relationships seem to be. I wear makeup at times because I want to, when going out. I lost a lot of weight because I was tired of feeling sluggish, not because my spouse expected it (and he regularly says he finds me appealing at any size or shape). Same for him: I don't care that he's gained weight, I care that he's got some health conditions. He would, like PP's DH, stay with me and change my surgical drains if I had them, and I'd do the same for him. But I think a lot of people on DCUM would start an exit in the same circumstances, though, based on years of reading the relationships forum, where appearances and "maintenance" are expectations.

[Anonymous]

Clearly, when it comes to illness the expectations are different. If spouses are healthy, I think expectations are warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly, when it comes to illness the expectations are different. If spouses are healthy, I think expectations are warranted.

What's warranted? To maintain a veneer of youth as you age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly, when it comes to illness the expectations are different. If spouses are healthy, I think expectations are warranted.

I don’t think this is clear at all. I haven’t seen it play out this way in real life anyway.

[Anonymous]

Op, it's probably just your phasing or word choice. It's very confusing. What "your spouse expects" .. Expects? ... very cringe worthy.

"Letting yourself go." Really? Stop with the extreme language and I bet you'll find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m turning 50 and ready to drop the rope. I just want to be who I am naturally, eat what I want, and wear comfortable clothes. I’ve gained some weight and hate shopping. DH doesn’t say anything to me regarding my appearance, good or bad. Any other women let things go? Did it affect your marriage?

My wife did the same thing about a year or so ago and I hate to admit it but I feel like its damaged our connection. We have our minor issues like every couple. There’s a lot of responsibility in raising our son and running our business. Whenever she gets stressed she really takes it out on us - she’s a naturally very driven person. This works great in the business world but is hard on personal relationships.

In the past, it would make me resent her but the resent would fade within days because I was so attracted to her. Now that she’s given up there’s really no attraction and nothing to pull me back in. Like I can’t remember a time in our 20 year relationship where there was just zero attraction and no interest in sleeping with her. The problem now is that there’s nothing to pull me back whenever she treats me like crap. Each time she does that I just have less interest in being around her.

I would say that if you want to let yourself go, make sure that you make things better in other areas to compensate - maybe it will help.