Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why college educated women give up their career to be SAHMs honestly. I agree with PPs to go part-time rather than give up career entirely. There will be a time when you will want to go back. Your kids will need you less later on.

Why? Because some people value being the one to raise their children instead of handing them off to a nanny or daycare. I work full time, but only because it’s in my family’s best financial interest that I do so. I went to a top university. I can be smart and have a biological urge to be present for my kids. Nothing against mothers who choose to work because they enjoy what they do, or are simply a better mother having a job outside the home. But making blanket statements like yours is ignorant.

Also, I worked for seven years before I had any children. I’ve now been working for 12. In college, I had no idea if I was going to fall in love, find a spouse and have children. If I didn’t have children, I wouldn’t have an urge to stay at home the same way I do now. Staying at home with young kids is not laziness or a waste of a college education. And plenty of sahms re-enter the workforce after kids are in school more full time.

Except shes only considering leaving now that her kids will be in school full time. She didn't GAF when her kids were babies or young children, only now that she doesnt have to dote on them for much of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Funny how no one ever says this about dads who want to work FT GTFO here with that sexist bullsh*t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Funny how no one ever says this about dads who want to work FT GTFO here with that sexist bullsh*t

You can live in la la land with your progressive ideals, or you can live in the real world where men still outearn women and women do more of the work for children and home even if they also work FT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Funny how no one ever says this about dads who want to work FT GTFO here with that sexist bullsh*t

You can live in la la land with your progressive ideals, or you can live in the real world where men still outearn women and women do more of the work for children and home even if they also work FT.

DP. And you can own that you were called out for blaming your mom for doing exactly what your father did. I’m with the PP on this - hold them both responsible, not just your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why college educated women give up their career to be SAHMs honestly. I agree with PPs to go part-time rather than give up career entirely. There will be a time when you will want to go back. Your kids will need you less later on.

Because it really is the ultimate form of white wealthy privilege.

My spouse went to Harvard. So many of her friends were SAHMs by their early 30s. Many with double Ivies (UG + grad degrees). This is what rich women do.

Her friends from Harvard who are the most successful professionally? All came from the middle class and had mothers who worked.

#Straightfacts.

And I say that as a Harvard grad with works outside of the home and think Op should do whatever the hell she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family money outside of your husband? This could be a trust, or simply having parents who are “comfortable”.

I know many SAHMs who live idyllic lives, I also know quite a few who have been blind-sided by their spouse’s affairs, addiction / behavior changes, lay-off, or even early death.

Every other week on this website there is a post with the same sob story: their marriage was perfect! Of course it made sense to stay at home with the kids! But after 5 years, DH started spending more and more time at the office, DW did some snooping and surprise surprise, he is cheating.

you never know what the future holds-all of those posts come from people who were in your shoes at one point. If you have family money or your own resources outside of your DH, then you are much better positioned to take care of yourself and your children if things go south.

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

I’m sick of the out of touch attitude that it is impossible to live in the dc metro area on an income less than 200K. Would it be a massive lifestyle change? Of course. Is it the same thing as finding yourself alone and jobless and needing to support a family? Of course not.

I have nothing against SAHM, many of my friends who do this are very happy. But, I have other friends (multiple) who found themselves suddenly become either widowed or divocees with little to no warning. And having money or a job helped immensely.

It’s also so tiresome reading thread after thread by some DW who is blindsided by her cheating DH and doesn’t know what to do because she has no money of her own. Of course the first comment is always “Get a job”. I get that it’s massively destabilizing to find out your DH is a cheater, but let’s be real about the risks and impacts about voluntarily choosing to become 100% financially dependent on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Funny how no one ever says this about dads who want to work FT GTFO here with that sexist bullsh*t

You can live in la la land with your progressive ideals, or you can live in the real world where men still outearn women and women do more of the work for children and home even if they also work FT.

Sounds like your mom was a badass and your dad dropped the ball entirely, why do you hate only her? Just because she wasnt barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?

Parenting can also be complicated. Maybe your dad really wanted kids and told your mom shed be able to keep her career and he would pick up all the slack and then... didnt. Maybe your mom had PPD and working outside the home helped her have her own idenditity. But when you blame ONLY the mother for working and blame ONLY the mother for prioritizing her personal preferences and completely leave out your father, you are clearly reflecting sexist ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family money outside of your husband? This could be a trust, or simply having parents who are “comfortable”.

I know many SAHMs who live idyllic lives, I also know quite a few who have been blind-sided by their spouse’s affairs, addiction / behavior changes, lay-off, or even early death.

Every other week on this website there is a post with the same sob story: their marriage was perfect! Of course it made sense to stay at home with the kids! But after 5 years, DH started spending more and more time at the office, DW did some snooping and surprise surprise, he is cheating.

you never know what the future holds-all of those posts come from people who were in your shoes at one point. If you have family money or your own resources outside of your DH, then you are much better positioned to take care of yourself and your children if things go south.

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

I’m sick of the out of touch attitude that it is impossible to live in the dc metro area on an income less than 200K. Would it be a massive lifestyle change? Of course. Is it the same thing as finding yourself alone and jobless and needing to support a family? Of course not.

I have nothing against SAHM, many of my friends who do this are very happy. But, I have other friends (multiple) who found themselves suddenly become either widowed or divocees with little to no warning. And having money or a job helped immensely.

It’s also so tiresome reading thread after thread by some DW who is blindsided by her cheating DH and doesn’t know what to do because she has no money of her own. Of course the first comment is always “Get a job”. I get that it’s massively destabilizing to find out your DH is a cheater, but let’s be real about the risks and impacts about voluntarily choosing to become 100% financially dependent on your spouse.

+1

[Anonymous]

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

I don’t see how this makes sense.

There are 3 sources of support post divorce: half of assets, alimony, and your own salary. The first two are highly dependent on a non jerk spouse + a judge ruling in your favor. The only one women truly control is their only salary. And when women have no incomes of their own, husbands often prolong negotiations knowing the wife can’t pay the legal fees. And divorces can take years.

If my life were thrown into the blender of divorce, I would at least want my own salary to keep me afloat. Former SAHMs don’t have that, which is why absent family money it can be tough for them.

[Anonymous]

Give me a break. You will have a HHI close to $1M. I don't think you need to think about this too hard if you don't want to work full time anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family money outside of your husband? This could be a trust, or simply having parents who are “comfortable”.

I know many SAHMs who live idyllic lives, I also know quite a few who have been blind-sided by their spouse’s affairs, addiction / behavior changes, lay-off, or even early death.

Every other week on this website there is a post with the same sob story: their marriage was perfect! Of course it made sense to stay at home with the kids! But after 5 years, DH started spending more and more time at the office, DW did some snooping and surprise surprise, he is cheating.

you never know what the future holds-all of those posts come from people who were in your shoes at one point. If you have family money or your own resources outside of your DH, then you are much better positioned to take care of yourself and your children if things go south.

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

I’m sick of the out of touch attitude that it is impossible to live in the dc metro area on an income less than 200K. Would it be a massive lifestyle change? Of course. Is it the same thing as finding yourself alone and jobless and needing to support a family? Of course not.

I have nothing against SAHM, many of my friends who do this are very happy. But, I have other friends (multiple) who found themselves suddenly become either widowed or divocees with little to no warning. And having money or a job helped immensely.

It’s also so tiresome reading thread after thread by some DW who is blindsided by her cheating DH and doesn’t know what to do because she has no money of her own. Of course the first comment is always “Get a job”. I get that it’s massively destabilizing to find out your DH is a cheater, but let’s be real about the risks and impacts about voluntarily choosing to become 100% financially dependent on your spouse.

+1

This is a disingenuous argument because when one spouse works, both spouses are more dependent on each other. Her DH can't do his job without her taking care of everything else. Sure, he might have an easier adjustment should they split, but he also will have to pay her a ton in alimony and child support.

[Anonymous]

NP. I think the contributions of a SAHM are invaluable, but even I acknowledge that in the event of divorce, many wealthy men are just going to find another woman to do the work. Whether that's another wife or a $60k a year nanny. It sucks, but for the man who wants out of his marriage, that may not be a huge price to pay.

Further, my understanding is that child support is only until 18 and doesn't get awarded in cases of joint custody. Alimony is rehabilitative, not lifetime. So for a X year marriage, you may be looking at payments for X/2 years. And that's assuming he didn't have a better lawyer, you didn't get a crappy judge, you didn't get a crappy settlement, and oh wait, he actually pays.

I don't say this to fearmonger, but it's disingenuous to act like SAHMs take on no more financial risk than their husbands or WOHM counterparts. OP needs to be realistic about the issues. If I ever stayed home, I would likely want a post-nup agreement cover these issues.

[Anonymous]

Quitting when the kids are older is simply math making sense. That’s a substantial number of extra years of earnings, more savings, and more time in the market for investments. Financial picture for a WOHP often looks very different when kids are in range of 6-10 than when they are babies. It’s not always just choosing to stay home bc all of the sudden work is the more challenging thing than 24/7 kids (and even that is understandable!)

It’s often the math makes sense at that point. Also a longer career may also mean more connections and less downside risk to get back into workforce if you’ve just been out a few years vs 10-15 if unexpected happens.

[Anonymous]

My mom was in and out of the workforce all my life. I can see the most important time for her to be home was when we were teenagers. It’s so ironic, because it’s not that we needed babysitting. But we needed someone who wasn’t mad over dinnertime (about work), tired and spent, couldn’t help us or listen. We needed someone to notice when we were up to no good.

We were latchkey kids (sort of. Dad got home early every day). But, we needed her in a specific way when we were in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was in and out of the workforce all my life. I can see the most important time for her to be home was when we were teenagers. It’s so ironic, because it’s not that we needed babysitting. But we needed someone who wasn’t mad over dinnertime (about work), tired and spent, couldn’t help us or listen. We needed someone to notice when we were up to no good.

We were latchkey kids (sort of. Dad got home early every day). But, we needed her in a specific way when we were in HS.

It’s things like this which is why I *really* wish there were more decently-paid PT jobs available. 40-50 hours is too much but 0 hours is too little. 25-30 hours would be perfect