Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom

[Anonymous]

Looking for input as I think through becoming a stay at home mom. We have a 1st grader and a preschooler who will be in school full time starting in September (child is half days now). We currently have a 40 hour a week nanny (who we and our kids absolutely adore—she’s been with us 5 years and she’s part of our family). When child starts full day school in September, it feels like it would make sense for me to stay home. Our nanny wouldn’t be willing to do part time, and I don’t have enough for her to do house keeping wise to fill 6 hours per day without kids, plus I don’t love my job and want to be more present for my kids. My husband makes $725k. I make $150k. We pay our nanny $25 per hour, plus lots of bonuses, minimal overtime, and taxes and payroll fees. We have both kids in private school.

What do we need to consider financially as we come to a decision? Our mortgage is $7500. Obviously I’d be losing my salary, but my 401k, too. But we’d be eliminating the child care expenses. With our 2nd going to school full time, her tuition will double. I just want to make sure we are considering all factors and appreciate the input of this group!!

[Anonymous]

Think hard about whether you are willing to give up your career. Can you go part time?

The nanny isn’t that much on your husband’s salary.

[Anonymous]

How long would you SAH for? Are you in the type of job where it is easy to hop back in?

[Anonymous]

I’ve thought about going part time. I probably could. I’m honestly at the point where it just feels like I have no connection to my job—I feel like I’m leaning out, not in, and so much of my mental focus is on my kids and the household…but I hear you about the huge decision of giving up my career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve thought about going part time. I probably could. I’m honestly at the point where it just feels like I have no connection to my job—I feel like I’m leaning out, not in, and so much of my mental focus is on my kids and the household…but I hear you about the huge decision of giving up my career.

Gosh, I feel like it would be longer term honestly. I do program management and could probably hop back in pretty easily…

[Anonymous]

How would this impact the dynamics of your marriage? My DH wanted me to be a SAHP but then down the road when we were having problems, he threw in my face the fact that he earned the money and views it as “his.” I never would’ve predicted that change in how he viewed things. I eventually went back to work but should’ve done it much sooner.

[Anonymous]

I have been both and I will give the advice I always give on these threads: become a SAHM because it's your calling and you really, truly want to stay home. Not because you hate your job or are experiencing burnout. Being home is a different kind of hard, make sure you fully understand that before leaving work. Also think through the implications on your marriage.

For me, it didn't fit (I SAH for four years). Now I work part time for myself which is the best of both worlds IMO.

[Anonymous]

Its fine but set up something part time (job, courses, volunteer) related to your profession to justify the gap when you go back. Keeping investing in your retirement with money family will be saving by you staying home. You guys can pull it off and kids only have one childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would this impact the dynamics of your marriage? My DH wanted me to be a SAHP but then down the road when we were having problems, he threw in my face the fact that he earned the money and views it as “his.” I never would’ve predicted that change in how he viewed things. I eventually went back to work but should’ve done it much sooner.

If he, kids and household is benefiting then legally and ethically, its both your money. Don't feel insecure, remind him.

[Anonymous]

OP here: marriage wise, I really feel confident that my husband would not get weird about money. He makes tons more than I do now, and I mostly run our finances and he NEVER makes feel like it’s his money. I also appreciate the advice about making sure I’m not running away from a job I don’t like. Truthfully I do feel like I’m doing that in some sense, but I also feel like with the kids in school full time, it would be slightly easier (is that completely wrong?)

[Anonymous]

Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Read the book Mommy Burnout before you decide (dumb title but great book). It will give you fantastic insight into both options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would this impact the dynamics of your marriage? My DH wanted me to be a SAHP but then down the road when we were having problems, he threw in my face the fact that he earned the money and views it as “his.” I never would’ve predicted that change in how he viewed things. I eventually went back to work but should’ve done it much sooner.

The unspoken secret is that everyone views their income as theirs. The SAHMs here who profess it’s all truly equal and joint really delude themselves. Legally, it may be joint but that’s not how people view it once they have problems and their connection with their spouse is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.

This. None of the children need full time care at this point.