Considering Transition to a Stay at Home Mom

[Anonymous]

Thank you OP for starting this thread. I am in the exact same position as you and has been wondering the same thing, even wanted to write it here but didn’t find the motivation so I appreciate you starting it. This advice is exactly what I needed too. Thank you everyone. Finding a new job and/or going part time seems to be where I’m leaning now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.

You sound jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.

This. The normal progression is stay at home from birth through Kindergarten, then start some sort of work again when kids are in school. You don't wait until the hard part is done and then decide to stay at home.

Exactly. The kids missed the major benefits of having a SAHM during the most important (and hard) time. At this point just be transparent that you want to relax and enjoy yourself. Men aren't fooled either.

Why not? Who is to say what the “normal” progression is for each family. I think when kids are in elementary school it’s a perfect time to be a SAH parent. You can help out at school/activities and not be as stressed in general. If I were in your shoes I would go for it in a heartbeat. (Maybe do something very part time to keep your foot in the door though). GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here -- thanks so much for everyone's responses. They've given me a ton to think about...and I really wanted to try to air out all potential scenarios, problems, benefits, etc. And despite some of the punch comments, my kids and husband are actually at the forefront of my decision. My husband has pretty high stress, high hours job, and in order to support his career (and the high salary that comes with it), I am in charge of all things household and kid related. My job is much more flexible, and as I mentioned, I'm leaning out and not trying to work 50 hours a week. Having a full time job and running all aspects of our life is a lot, and frankly I want to be more present for my kids. A small example, is that I want to be able to take my kid to a doc appointment, and not feel like I'm rushing out of there, or constantly looking at my email seeing what I'm missing at work. I want to be the one who picks them up from school. It feels like it would lower the stress of all of us in the house. I do appreciate the suggestion for part time work...I'm going to consider that more seriously. Thanks again for the replies! I know I'm in a fortunate position.

If this is a high stress high hours job, how long do you think your DH will want to do it? If you stay in the workforce either part time or full time it gives him the option of going back to his old job when things get to be too much. Don't get used to this money. Use it to save fo4 college and retirement and a nice vacation. Don't ramp up your spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.

You sound jealous.

Of what? I am a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why college educated women give up their career to be SAHMs honestly. I agree with PPs to go part-time rather than give up career entirely. There will be a time when you will want to go back. Your kids will need you less later on.

Because it really is the ultimate form of white wealthy privilege.

My spouse went to Harvard. So many of her friends were SAHMs by their early 30s. Many with double Ivies (UG + grad degrees). This is what rich women do.

Her friends from Harvard who are the most successful professionally? All came from the middle class and had mothers who worked.

[Anonymous]

It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.

You sound jealous.

Of what? I am a SAHM.

A woman who has a career and then quits when kids are in school full time. You called her a lady of leisure. God forbid a woman catch a break and enjoy some free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.

You sound jealous.

Of what? I am a SAHM.

A woman who has a career and then quits when kids are in school full time. You called her a lady of leisure. God forbid a woman catch a break and enjoy some free time.

And would you say the same about a stay at home dad in OP's situation? Doubtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family money outside of your husband? This could be a trust, or simply having parents who are “comfortable”.

I know many SAHMs who live idyllic lives, I also know quite a few who have been blind-sided by their spouse’s affairs, addiction / behavior changes, lay-off, or even early death.

Every other week on this website there is a post with the same sob story: their marriage was perfect! Of course it made sense to stay at home with the kids! But after 5 years, DH started spending more and more time at the office, DW did some snooping and surprise surprise, he is cheating.

you never know what the future holds-all of those posts come from people who were in your shoes at one point. If you have family money or your own resources outside of your DH, then you are much better positioned to take care of yourself and your children if things go south.

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family money outside of your husband? This could be a trust, or simply having parents who are “comfortable”.

I know many SAHMs who live idyllic lives, I also know quite a few who have been blind-sided by their spouse’s affairs, addiction / behavior changes, lay-off, or even early death.

Every other week on this website there is a post with the same sob story: their marriage was perfect! Of course it made sense to stay at home with the kids! But after 5 years, DH started spending more and more time at the office, DW did some snooping and surprise surprise, he is cheating.

you never know what the future holds-all of those posts come from people who were in your shoes at one point. If you have family money or your own resources outside of your DH, then you are much better positioned to take care of yourself and your children if things go south.

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

+1 This is why I recommend that people save then quit to SAH. Either way 99.99% of people will have financial challenges if they divorce due to having to support the second household while also dividing the assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your husband makes so much. I would do it in a heartbeat.

But she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM, if so, she could have done it all along. She wants to be a lady of leisure now that both her kids will be in full time school. I know exactly the type.

This. The normal progression is stay at home from birth through Kindergarten, then start some sort of work again when kids are in school. You don't wait until the hard part is done and then decide to stay at home.

Exactly. The kids missed the major benefits of having a SAHM during the most important (and hard) time. At this point just be transparent that you want to relax and enjoy yourself. Men aren't fooled either.

Agree. This is user behavior

[Anonymous]

I usually hate it when people pull out the "you're just jealous" card, but seriously: what is up with all the haters furious at the idea of a mom staying home during *not* the most grueling years of childcare? I'm a WOHM, and bring in the majority of our income. But my husband still has raised the idea of me quitting entirely to stay home because my job is super stressful, he makes a good income that we could live on if we budgeted well, and he (shocker) cares about me and my mental health. I changed jobs instead, but the fact that his solution was for me to just get out of a bad situation and we'll figure it out together meant a lot to me.

Yeah, it's a privilege to be able to take time off if you're burned out. OP recognizes that. But the fact that her burnout is happening now, or that she seems to have more options to deal with burnout now that DH makes $$$, doesn't mean she doesn't actually love her kids or she's a gold digger, ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually hate it when people pull out the "you're just jealous" card, but seriously: what is up with all the haters furious at the idea of a mom staying home during *not* the most grueling years of childcare? I'm a WOHM, and bring in the majority of our income. But my husband still has raised the idea of me quitting entirely to stay home because my job is super stressful, he makes a good income that we could live on if we budgeted well, and he (shocker) cares about me and my mental health. I changed jobs instead, but the fact that his solution was for me to just get out of a bad situation and we'll figure it out together meant a lot to me.

Yeah, it's a privilege to be able to take time off if you're burned out. OP recognizes that. But the fact that her burnout is happening now, or that she seems to have more options to deal with burnout now that DH makes $$$, doesn't mean she doesn't actually love her kids or she's a gold digger, ffs.

+1. Well said. NP, also a WOHP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol @ not caring about taking care of your kids while young, but now that theyre gone all day you want to?

Huh its almost like you barely care about your children at all in this scenario.

+1 op you need 1 more baby to pull this off 2 kids already in school doesn’t cut it. Another option is for both of your kids to need to be in travel sports or tons of after school activities and you quit to position yourself to be the one to support them at sports.