DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

This is silly. Speaking as someone who has been deployed and therefore gone without sex, that's hardly the same. My DH wasn't rejecting me, we simply weren't in the same location.

Do you always struggle this much with logical thinking?

I’m glad you said it. I was really confused be that posters line of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Affects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Do you love your wife? Care about her? Your only reason why you won’t cheat is because you’re worried about what your daughter might think of you? And thanks for letting us know that women still want you.

Pretty clear to me why she doesn’t want to have sex with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

This is silly. Speaking as someone who has been deployed and therefore gone without sex, that's hardly the same. My DH wasn't rejecting me, we simply weren't in the same location.

Do you always struggle this much with logical thinking?

I’m glad you said it. I was really confused be that posters line of thinking.

Not PP. I have a question. how is it that people who cheat then seem to find some kind of satisfaction in their marriages? They are still being rejected by their spouse, but I guess they feel better now that they found someone out there who was willing? Your experiences do go against the whole "sex is a biological need" thing which I appreciate but I still don't see how it is so life-devastating like in OP's case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

This is silly. Speaking as someone who has been deployed and therefore gone without sex, that's hardly the same. My DH wasn't rejecting me, we simply weren't in the same location.

Do you always struggle this much with logical thinking?

I’m glad you said it. I was really confused be that posters line of thinking.

Not PP. I have a question. how is it that people who cheat then seem to find some kind of satisfaction in their marriages? They are still being rejected by their spouse, but I guess they feel better now that they found someone out there who was willing? Your experiences do go against the whole "sex is a biological need" thing which I appreciate but I still don't see how it is so life-devastating like in OP's case.

If they are cheating, at least someone likes them enough to have sex with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

Keep telling yourself that. Enjoy your cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

Well, OP literally said that he is upset that he isnt understood, so it isn’t only sex.

If love isn’t understanding another person, providing physical affection, or spending your time/money on someone, then what is it?

How do you show people you love them, pp?

[Anonymous]

I would not say I’m in a sexless marriage at all - I like sex and enjoy it. But I know my husband wishes we had more. The thing is, I have been open about the things that would help me have more energy for sex (primarily more chances feel like an adult, see my friends, exercise and SLEEP). None of those materialize because we are running on a thin margin all the time because he works a ton and I’m in charge of everything to keep our house running and everything related to the kids on top of my own job ( he doesn’t want me to SAH and I don’t want to). So what do I conclude? He might want more sex but not enough to do anything about it. It’s not even resentment it’s just a fact. If I’m exhausted because I worked after the kids were asleep until midnight to make up for a kid appointment and then a child woke me up at 5:30 I’m not in the mood. Not going to happen. I think it’s more common than people think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not say I’m in a sexless marriage at all - I like sex and enjoy it. But I know my husband wishes we had more. The thing is, I have been open about the things that would help me have more energy for sex (primarily more chances feel like an adult, see my friends, exercise and SLEEP). None of those materialize because we are running on a thin margin all the time because he works a ton and I’m in charge of everything to keep our house running and everything related to the kids on top of my own job ( he doesn’t want me to SAH and I don’t want to). So what do I conclude? He might want more sex but not enough to do anything about it. It’s not even resentment it’s just a fact. If I’m exhausted because I worked after the kids were asleep until midnight to make up for a kid appointment and then a child woke me up at 5:30 I’m not in the mood. Not going to happen. I think it’s more common than people think.

In that situation, maybe it's just the costs aren't worth the benefit. More sex would be great. But there are only so many hours in the day. He either has to give up on some work, some sleep, or some of his (rare, I assume) leisure time. And if he did take on more of what you're currently doing now, there's probably even more stuff you feel like you ought to be doing -- so if he takes on more, are the odds really all that good that you'll just enjoy the down time? Or will you find other stuff that needs doing? If the down time does materialize, will it actually lead to more sex? Maybe you'll resent him doing more because he's just doing it to get sex. Or maybe it'll turn out that your hormones make it so you don't really want to have more sex after all.

[Anonymous]

A sexless marriage is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A sexless marriage is abuse.

try that in court

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

I can relate to this.

Honestly, in a mature relationship you try to communicate this instead of shutting sex down when you know your partner really needs it.

In a mature relationship, men, you hold up your end of the bargain. You don’t gain 40 pounds, refuse to go to the dentist for a decade, pout and act like a beta male in all aspects of life and then wonder why we don’t want you anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

Well, OP literally said that he is upset that he isnt understood, so it isn’t only sex.

If love isn’t understanding another person, providing physical affection, or spending your time/money on someone, then what is it?

How do you show people you love them, pp?

Nope.

Here is the deal if you don’t understand that life is not sex and money you need deep intense therapy, not a 1 sentence explanation on a website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

Well, OP literally said that he is upset that he isnt understood, so it isn’t only sex.

If love isn’t understanding another person, providing physical affection, or spending your time/money on someone, then what is it?

How do you show people you love them, pp?

Nope.

Here is the deal if you don’t understand that life is not sex and money you need deep intense therapy, not a 1 sentence explanation on a website.

I don’t think you know what it means to love.

People need to feel understood and/or physically touched in order to feel loved.
If you cannot understand or empathize with someone and you cannot provide any kind of loving touch, then you cannot love.