Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

Thank you, sane person, for this post.

+1

It is nice to see other highly educated women with high earning potential make the choice to SAHP for many reasons. Was not a lawyer, but gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home over 25 years ago with my oldest (and I was in my 20s at the time, so just starting out)---because I wanted to and thought it was best for our family. You accurately described how home life is so much less stressed and allows the other parent to take on more risks, high powered, stressful career. I did just that and don't regret it. There is no "his money, her money" it is OUR money and has always been. Just celebrated 33 years and going strong.

That is great for you and all other professional women married to high earners, but this perspective does not adequately consider the risk inherent to relying upon another person for your financial well-being.

Even if you’re employed you’re still relying on other people. Your husband could commit a crime or do something financially that affects your well being. Yes being employed reduces the financial risk. But it doesn’t eliminate it. Some women simply aren’t concerned about their spouse leaving them high and dry. In certain circles this is less common. Life isn’t risk free and some women decide the ability to stay home with kids is worth the risk their husband leaves them and they can’t find a decent paying job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

Okay. I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided. It is what it is. I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you. I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life. Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run. I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal. Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.

What's interesting is that if you went back and asked my HS friends, they would all be shocked. I was top of my class, went to a T10 university with 2 very diverse majors. I was a go getter, be the best, women can do anything (it was the 80s, we still had to fight for our place, especially in STEM), etc. Most would have expected me to be the person in a high powered job, laser focused on career. And I was like that up until I actually had kids. I had a spot reserved at the daycare center at my large company---daycare was actually on the first floor of the building I worked in---so you couldn't get a much better situation. then I realized that I actually wanted to be around for more with the kids---I loved every moment of it (well, 98%---there are always days when you think---being at work would be easier and more sane---especially at the 4pm witching hour with babies and toddlers).

I share great pride in the success of my spouse---they are at the top of their field--was a CEO by 40. Most of my spouses colleagues/business partners know me and don't see me as anything less because I was home with the kids---they all know my background. My spouse fully recognizes that they are where they are in life because of the support from me---they never had to stay home with a sick kid or not travel for work because of kids or me having to travel instead. They never had to leave work for a 6pm daycare pickup or spend 2 hours figuring out a backup nanny when they called in sick that day.

DP here. Look, no one is saying you're aren't intelligent, dazzling, whatever. But if you absolutely missed learning a lot about working in the professional environment if you haven't been in the workforce for 25 years. It's not a personal attack.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I do think about the money I could have made if I had stayed in my old job. It wasn’t a high earning one and I wasn’t particularly good at it, but it would have paid for a nicer house or more dining out.
Staying home with the kids was really hard when they were young and we had a lot of therapies etc., so it wasn’t very enjoyable much of the time.
I’m happy I stayed home though because it would have been too stressful for me otherwise. And in between all the hard parts were some really great ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

Okay. I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided. It is what it is. I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you. I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life. Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run. I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal. Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.

What's interesting is that if you went back and asked my HS friends, they would all be shocked. I was top of my class, went to a T10 university with 2 very diverse majors. I was a go getter, be the best, women can do anything (it was the 80s, we still had to fight for our place, especially in STEM), etc. Most would have expected me to be the person in a high powered job, laser focused on career. And I was like that up until I actually had kids. I had a spot reserved at the daycare center at my large company---daycare was actually on the first floor of the building I worked in---so you couldn't get a much better situation. then I realized that I actually wanted to be around for more with the kids---I loved every moment of it (well, 98%---there are always days when you think---being at work would be easier and more sane---especially at the 4pm witching hour with babies and toddlers).

I share great pride in the success of my spouse---they are at the top of their field--was a CEO by 40. Most of my spouses colleagues/business partners know me and don't see me as anything less because I was home with the kids---they all know my background. My spouse fully recognizes that they are where they are in life because of the support from me---they never had to stay home with a sick kid or not travel for work because of kids or me having to travel instead. They never had to leave work for a 6pm daycare pickup or spend 2 hours figuring out a backup nanny when they called in sick that day.

I think what is challenging about these situations is a person doesn't know how they will feel until they get there. At the outset, it's theoretical. I married a very career-minded person who I knew was ambitious and would work a lot and I knew intellectually raising young kids with this person might be challenging. I was madly in love and so I thought about it a lot and still married him. I don't regret that for a minute and we have 2 kids. It was harder than I expected when I got to the actual having kids with this person part and did I have more and different feelings than I expected? Yep.

Sounds like it worked out great for you which is terrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my second child earlier this year and I’m really feeling the pull to stay at home, mostly because I’m not in love with my job and our home life feels so hectic all the time because my husband and I both have those stereotypical “very busy” jobs. (I know this won’t be popular but we would keep our nanny for a while so I would have time to devote to household things other than just childcare, so I do think staying home would improve how smoothly our lives run vs. how it is now.)

Anyways, I know there are lots of women who always post “don’t stay at home, your husband might leave you and you won’t be able to support yourself!” Which I hear and I do consider that risk.

But posting this in the money/finances section because I would really like to hear from anyone who ended up regretting staying at home because financial problems became an issue later on (not due to divorce). This is my main fear in making the decision.

Or if everything worked out for you and your partner financially and you are very glad you decided to stay at home, please share as well!

Stayed home with 2 kids that are now in college (sophomore and senior). Would I liked to have more money in the early years, to throw at house cleaners, better camps, better family vacations, etc, sure. But I wouldn't trade the calm of running the house smoothly for 365 days a year. Now I work PT at a place I started volunteering with when the kids were older. I have the flexibility to come and go as I please, and spouse makes enough that we DO have great vacations with our older kids. I have zero regrets

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

Okay. I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided. It is what it is. I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you. I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life. Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run. I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal. Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.

What's interesting is that if you went back and asked my HS friends, they would all be shocked. I was top of my class, went to a T10 university with 2 very diverse majors. I was a go getter, be the best, women can do anything (it was the 80s, we still had to fight for our place, especially in STEM), etc. Most would have expected me to be the person in a high powered job, laser focused on career. And I was like that up until I actually had kids. I had a spot reserved at the daycare center at my large company---daycare was actually on the first floor of the building I worked in---so you couldn't get a much better situation. then I realized that I actually wanted to be around for more with the kids---I loved every moment of it (well, 98%---there are always days when you think---being at work would be easier and more sane---especially at the 4pm witching hour with babies and toddlers).

I share great pride in the success of my spouse---they are at the top of their field--was a CEO by 40. Most of my spouses colleagues/business partners know me and don't see me as anything less because I was home with the kids---they all know my background. My spouse fully recognizes that they are where they are in life because of the support from me---they never had to stay home with a sick kid or not travel for work because of kids or me having to travel instead. They never had to leave work for a 6pm daycare pickup or spend 2 hours figuring out a backup nanny when they called in sick that day.

Do you realize that you are suggesting that you are worthy of respect only because of your past accomplishments? This suggests you believe SAHPs without an illustrious former career or academic achievements are not worthy of respect.

[Anonymous]

I do what I do because I get a sense of purpose out of it - both working and parenting. Without either, I wouldn't find fulfillment. It has nothing to do with how much my DH makes.

I think you need to hone in on what gives you purpose. If that's not work - then so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

PP, how have you invested your money such that you have never felt financially vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Raising hand! I regret it. Not at all because I worry my husband will leave me, but I regret not having employment options now that my kids are middle/high school age. I put myself in a corner. I highly recommend working part time. I have thoroughly enjoyed my lifestyle and easy home life, but it does come at a cost years down the road.

Unlike a lot of people here, I truly enjoyed being home with my kids and volunteering when they were young. I thought the experience was worth the loss of income. I really love and appreciate the ease of my life. However my kids don’t seem to need me much at all these days and I have an awful lot of time to fill. I can’t figure out how to break back into the working world at 50 and regret not finding a way to keep a foot in the working world, either part-time or consulting. I feel adrift trying to figure out what my next 20 years will look like.

Why is working for money the only option you are considering? There are so many fulfilling alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

Thank you, sane person, for this post.

+1

It is nice to see other highly educated women with high earning potential make the choice to SAHP for many reasons. Was not a lawyer, but gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home over 25 years ago with my oldest (and I was in my 20s at the time, so just starting out)---because I wanted to and thought it was best for our family. You accurately described how home life is so much less stressed and allows the other parent to take on more risks, high powered, stressful career. I did just that and don't regret it. There is no "his money, her money" it is OUR money and has always been. Just celebrated 33 years and going strong.

That is great for you and all other professional women married to high earners, but this perspective does not adequately consider the risk inherent to relying upon another person for your financial well-being.

in reality, what matters is that you commit to living on one person's salary, whatever that salary might be. We purchased our first home with the idea that we should be able to live comfortably (and with kids in the future) with just one income---could have gotten a much nicer home if we considered both salaries.
Yes, you must trust your spouse---but I cannot imagine being in a marriage with someone I didn't trust/couldnt' rely on for my financial well being---if I thought that person had the potential to screw me over I simply couldn't' be married to them.
And the worry of death/unable to work is covered by purchasing the proper insurance.

What an unbelievably privileged and myopic view. Do you realize that for the vast majority of people simply opting to live on one person’s salary simply isn’t possible?

It's not possible for many, but many are in that position because they never thought about living on one salary. They make decent money and spend it all, not on needs but on wants. Every damn time we bought a house the real estate agents push that you can afford X amount---well sure I could, but then we'd be stretched and living on PB&J and Ramen 5x/week. So while I might get a mortgage for that, why don't I look at something a bit less and focus on that.
So I'd argue it would have been possible if they made some effort---I know way too many UMC/MC people who live above their means and waste money on "wants". Totally their choice, but I grew up poor so I know how to live frugally if needed. And doing that from age 20-30 will go a long way to establishing a better life for later---as you save rather than spend everything you earn.

And yes, we lived in some ok, but not very nice places the first 3-4 years all so we could pay off tons of loans and save.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

Okay. I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided. It is what it is. I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you. I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life. Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run. I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal. Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.

What's interesting is that if you went back and asked my HS friends, they would all be shocked. I was top of my class, went to a T10 university with 2 very diverse majors. I was a go getter, be the best, women can do anything (it was the 80s, we still had to fight for our place, especially in STEM), etc. Most would have expected me to be the person in a high powered job, laser focused on career. And I was like that up until I actually had kids. I had a spot reserved at the daycare center at my large company---daycare was actually on the first floor of the building I worked in---so you couldn't get a much better situation. then I realized that I actually wanted to be around for more with the kids---I loved every moment of it (well, 98%---there are always days when you think---being at work would be easier and more sane---especially at the 4pm witching hour with babies and toddlers).

I share great pride in the success of my spouse---they are at the top of their field--was a CEO by 40. Most of my spouses colleagues/business partners know me and don't see me as anything less because I was home with the kids---they all know my background. My spouse fully recognizes that they are where they are in life because of the support from me---they never had to stay home with a sick kid or not travel for work because of kids or me having to travel instead. They never had to leave work for a 6pm daycare pickup or spend 2 hours figuring out a backup nanny when they called in sick that day.

Do you realize that you are suggesting that you are worthy of respect only because of your past accomplishments? This suggests you believe SAHPs without an illustrious former career or academic achievements are not worthy of respect.

Nope--everyone is worthy of respect! Being a SAHP is a meaningful job and likely the most challenging one anyone will do.
Just list the accomplishments to show that women on a path to an excellent career can and do make the choice to stay at home---so do what works best for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Raising hand! I regret it. Not at all because I worry my husband will leave me, but I regret not having employment options now that my kids are middle/high school age. I put myself in a corner. I highly recommend working part time. I have thoroughly enjoyed my lifestyle and easy home life, but it does come at a cost years down the road.

Unlike a lot of people here, I truly enjoyed being home with my kids and volunteering when they were young. I thought the experience was worth the loss of income. I really love and appreciate the ease of my life. However my kids don’t seem to need me much at all these days and I have an awful lot of time to fill. I can’t figure out how to break back into the working world at 50 and regret not finding a way to keep a foot in the working world, either part-time or consulting. I feel adrift trying to figure out what my next 20 years will look like.

Why is working for money the only option you are considering? There are so many fulfilling alternatives.

Right? I have a list a mile long of fulfilling pursuits, if only I didn't have 40+ hours a week taken up by working for money. But once I'm 65...

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM. I went back to work when my first was born but when I got pregnant with my second, I developed/exacerbated some chronic conditions and there's no way I could go back to teaching. We also know what teachers make, and at this point my spouse makes $900k (we also live in a less expensive area than DC).

I recognize that this is a totally privileged point of view, but I think that once your basic needs are met, money is there to allow you to focus on what's important in your life . . . your family, your community. We clearly have more than enough income as it is, so why would we take away from time with family just to increase it by a small amount?

My husband has really good disability and life insurance. I don't really know how else we can protect ourselves beyond savings. Anyone could get divorced, but in my position I'm confident I would be well taken care of.

It's obviously important to have purpose in your life, and I have a variety of volunteer positions that keep me using my skills and engaged, but if I'm not feeling well I can always back out.

Not gonna lie, I do get nervous when I think about having an empty nest in 7 years. I don't really know other SAHMs (we live in our small city instead of the 'burbs where I guess the other SAHMs are) though I do know a lot of moms with part time jobs that don't take many hours per week.

[Anonymous]

At the moment, I regret it a little. DH makes a good amount, a little over 300K, but as our kids get older, they become more expensive. Braces, sports and equipment, food. We want to take more expensive trips now that they are older, they want/need more expensive adult size clothes and shoes. We saved lots of money on daycare when they were little, but as of this fall, they are all in school. There’s no way I could re-start my career after a 15 year absence and I’d need something with lots of flexibility for after school and random days off. So I’m not sure if it’s really worth the hassle for me to try to find some part time work to make extra money or not. If he made 7 figures, I would definitely stay home AND hire child care help!

I had been friends with my husband before we dated/married/had kids and knew him well enough that I was sure he would never leave me in the lurch if I stayed home and we divorced. 20 years later marriage is still going strong, and I’m still sure that if that changes, he would be generous in a divorce. If I had any doubts about his character, I wouldn't have married him and definitely wouldn't have quit my job. AND I do have a professional degree and could find something to support myself and kids if he left me or died.

[Anonymous]

Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.