Reply to Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would.  It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life.  This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home.  At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism.  While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was.  We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner.  We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and 
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other. 
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided.  But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!
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I think this is a great response and would add one thing.  The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”.  Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment.  Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively.  If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.[/quote]

It's very possible.  While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids.  So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years).   They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"[/quote]

Okay.  I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided.  It is what it is.  I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you.  I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life.  Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run.  I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal.  Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.[/quote]

What's interesting is that if you went back and asked my HS friends, they would all be shocked.  I was top of my class, went to a T10 university with 2 very diverse majors.  I was a go getter, be the best, women can do anything (it was the 80s, we still had to fight for our place, especially in STEM), etc.  Most would have expected me to be the person in a high powered job, laser focused on career.  And I was like that up until I actually had kids.  I had a spot reserved at the daycare center at my large company---daycare was actually on the first floor of the building I worked in---so you couldn't get a much better situation. then I realized that I actually wanted to be around for more with the kids---I loved every moment of it (well, 98%---there are always days when you think---being at work would be easier and more sane---especially at the 4pm witching hour with babies and toddlers).

I share great pride in the success of my spouse---they are at the top of their field--was a CEO by 40.  Most of my spouses colleagues/business partners know me and don't see me as anything less because I was home with the kids---they all know my background.  My spouse fully recognizes that they are where they are in life because of the support from me---they never had to stay home with a sick kid or not travel for work because of kids or me having to travel instead.  They never had to leave work for a 6pm daycare pickup or spend 2 hours figuring out a backup nanny when they called in sick that day.

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Do you realize that you are suggesting that you are worthy of respect only because of your past accomplishments? This suggests you believe SAHPs without an illustrious former career or academic achievements are not worthy of respect.[/quote]

Nope--everyone is worthy of respect!  Being a SAHP is a meaningful job and likely the most challenging one anyone will do. 
Just list the accomplishments to show that women on a path to an excellent career can and do make the choice to stay at home---so do what works best for you and your family.

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