Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

Well I think life circumstances and your own relationship to your career matter too. My DH and I and each make about $130k in jobs that we enjoy and we can't easily jump back into if we leave. Our jobs are also very flexible. Staying home never felt wrong, but it certainly felt unwise and was also not my preference because I'd be giving up an interesting job that I might not be able to get back (the specific job or an equivalent). Every family's situation is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

What's your explanation as to why only women married to men of a certain income level seem to get this moment of crystal clarity and a strong gut feeling they are meant to never work? Or do many people feel this way and just have to work anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

What's your explanation as to why only women married to men of a certain income level seem to get this moment of crystal clarity and a strong gut feeling they are meant to never work? Or do many people feel this way and just have to work anyway?

DP. My explanation is that most people are working for the paycheck. These women don’t need a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

I do not regret. I had/have two children where dual full time working parents did not work in the long run. Personally, I preferred working and I had a very long learning curve and never really got used to being a sahp. However, if I had to guess, I don’t know that we would be better off financially- so no regrets on that point. Both our children are SN and needed quite a bit of intervention. I was able to be trained and did quite a bit of it at home - all the way through HS. If we had had to pay for that additional time, it would have swallowed my take home salary and then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.

I have enough for our needs and some wants too.

BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?

Np
At 3x that income we would not consider first or business class either. I also dream of having enough to buy those tickets. Maybe we should cut back on housekeeping but that wouldn't make a dent in paying so much for flights. We travel far and often but those seats would equal a vehicle for our family of four. We've over splurged on hotels though.

+1

At 400K we would rarely pay for a business class. It is simply not in the budget at that income level, unless you live in a VLCOL area and your house is only $150K

Unless you are completely mismanaging your money (which I suspect many of you are), or you are flying overseas with the entire family on a monthly basis, there is absolutely zero reason why you cannot afford business class tickets for your family vacation at an income of 400K, and it should not even make you bat an eye.

I would love to see some of your budgets because many of you clearly need a lot of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

Okay. I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided. It is what it is. I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you. I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life. Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run. I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal. Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.

I don’t think the bolded is accurate. The working spouse usually has to be okay with the kids feeling that the SAHP is the primary parent, and the working parent is basically the back-up. Some people are okay with that and some people resent it (they’re my kids too don’t I get a say sort of resentment).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

What's your explanation as to why only women married to men of a certain income level seem to get this moment of crystal clarity and a strong gut feeling they are meant to never work? Or do many people feel this way and just have to work anyway?

DP. My explanation is that most people are working for the paycheck. These women don’t need a paycheck.

Yeah, I agree with your explanation on some level.

However men (and some women) get a lot of their identity in their career and jobs. It's not just a paycheck. Most men would have a real problem saying they never worked and don't have a career. They're not getting "the strong feeling" to be unemployed. They would view it as embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

What's your explanation as to why only women married to men of a certain income level seem to get this moment of crystal clarity and a strong gut feeling they are meant to never work? Or do many people feel this way and just have to work anyway?

DP. My explanation is that most people are working for the paycheck. These women don’t need a paycheck.

Yeah, I agree with your explanation on some level.

However men (and some women) get a lot of their identity in their career and jobs. It's not just a paycheck. Most men would have a real problem saying they never worked and don't have a career. They're not getting "the strong feeling" to be unemployed. They would view it as embarrassing.

I think the world is changing on this. Plenty of men are happy to be SAHP these days (and there are also a lot of unemployed guys also happy to just play video games etc.) There used to be a lot more social pressure against it, but that's not as strong now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.

I have enough for our needs and some wants too.

BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?

Np
At 3x that income we would not consider first or business class either. I also dream of having enough to buy those tickets. Maybe we should cut back on housekeeping but that wouldn't make a dent in paying so much for flights. We travel far and often but those seats would equal a vehicle for our family of four. We've over splurged on hotels though.

+1

At 400K we would rarely pay for a business class. It is simply not in the budget at that income level, unless you live in a VLCOL area and your house is only $150K

Unless you are completely mismanaging your money (which I suspect many of you are), or you are flying overseas with the entire family on a monthly basis, there is absolutely zero reason why you cannot afford business class tickets for your family vacation at an income of 400K, and it should not even make you bat an eye.

I would love to see some of your budgets because many of you clearly need a lot of help.

You seriously underestimate how much business class costs and how much 400k is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

What's your explanation as to why only women married to men of a certain income level seem to get this moment of crystal clarity and a strong gut feeling they are meant to never work? Or do many people feel this way and just have to work anyway?

It's not only women. I know three men with high earning spouses that have taken the role of SAHP to make their family lives run smoothly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

What's your explanation as to why only women married to men of a certain income level seem to get this moment of crystal clarity and a strong gut feeling they are meant to never work? Or do many people feel this way and just have to work anyway?

DP. My explanation is that most people are working for the paycheck. These women don’t need a paycheck.

Yeah, I agree with your explanation on some level.

However men (and some women) get a lot of their identity in their career and jobs. It's not just a paycheck. Most men would have a real problem saying they never worked and don't have a career. They're not getting "the strong feeling" to be unemployed. They would view it as embarrassing.

Most women I know who became SAHM did work outside the home. Why are you assuming these women "never worked"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

What's your explanation as to why only women married to men of a certain income level seem to get this moment of crystal clarity and a strong gut feeling they are meant to never work? Or do many people feel this way and just have to work anyway?

DP. My explanation is that most people are working for the paycheck. These women don’t need a paycheck.

Yeah, I agree with your explanation on some level.

However men (and some women) get a lot of their identity in their career and jobs. It's not just a paycheck. Most men would have a real problem saying they never worked and don't have a career. They're not getting "the strong feeling" to be unemployed. They would view it as embarrassing.

I think the world is changing on this. Plenty of men are happy to be SAHP these days (and there are also a lot of unemployed guys also happy to just play video games etc.) There used to be a lot more social pressure against it, but that's not as strong now.

Especially with remote work, seeing a husband at home in casual clothes with the kids doesn't look strange any more. The world has changed to be more flexible and less gender-defined.

[Anonymous]

My nephew freelances as a website designer. His wife is a busy pharmaceutical executive pulling down in the high six figures. They are expecting their first child. Guess who will the the SAHP? Is he embarrassed? Heck no! They can't wait!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people find staying home wrong and against a deep desire. Work feels right, if they have the privilege to choose, they choose work.
I found staying home felt right while working felt wrong for me. More than a "preference", it made infallible sense to me. I had the privilege of choice and went with my strong feeling. It can be difficult for either side if you are fed judgments, opinions and doomsday scenarios.
I think it's rare to be so much on the fence and calculating every aspect.
Op, it might help you to stop considering positives vs. negatives. You have the privilege to choose so, go about your regular days and see which direction you're being pulled without all the feedback.
I have been unsure about many major life decisions but this one was clear, hope you find the same clarity no matter where you land.

What's your explanation as to why only women married to men of a certain income level seem to get this moment of crystal clarity and a strong gut feeling they are meant to never work? Or do many people feel this way and just have to work anyway?

DP. My explanation is that most people are working for the paycheck. These women don’t need a paycheck.

+1 I know a lot of people who would quit their jobs today if they didn't have to bring in a paycheck and cover their family's health insurance. Work is still work for most people. Their real passion is not their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

Okay. I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided. It is what it is. I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you. I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life. Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run. I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal. Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.

I don’t think the bolded is accurate. The working spouse usually has to be okay with the kids feeling that the SAHP is the primary parent, and the working parent is basically the back-up. Some people are okay with that and some people resent it (they’re my kids too don’t I get a say sort of resentment).

My experience seeing these situations is while the kids are at home, the SAHP is definitely seen as primary. Most working spouses don't really seem to mind. I'm sure some do. But it's not seen as particularly glamorous or interesting work raising kids. What I find interesting is yes, in the long-run the adult children often develop an equally close relationship with the working spouse and that dynamic really shifts as to who one parent being seen as primary and the other as back-up.