Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find it bizarre when women boast about how their husbands never stay home with sick kids so they can prioritize career. The women seem openly proud about how they’ve enabled their husbands to be bad fathers. I genuinely never know how to respond when I hear someone talking about that.

I think they're explaining more than bragging. It's hard to find a really high earning job that also allows for a lot of flexibility and unplanned remote work. They're not bad dads for letting the SAHM or default parent stay home with sick kids. This is usually what it takes to earn a lot of money.

I'm a little jealous and wish that I picked a high-earning husband and I could have stayed home with kids the whole time. Plus had money to outsource to make everyone's lives easier. Of all the combinations, high earning DH with SAHM seems like the best to me.

Nah, couldn't disagree more. DH and I both have very flexible jobs, where we can choose to go to the office or WFH. I'm in a global role and work strange hours, so I opt for home most days, while he opts for the office 2--3days/wk and works a regional role, tied to US time zones. When we have a sick kid, we trade off. One time him, the next me and so on. We used to also have FT nanny, and don't need one now. We both make about 350k+/- depending on bonuses. This is the best combo! We both get to be SAHP and work FT. I even do mid-week brunches with the other SAHMs, schools, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find it bizarre when women boast about how their husbands never stay home with sick kids so they can prioritize career. The women seem openly proud about how they’ve enabled their husbands to be bad fathers. I genuinely never know how to respond when I hear someone talking about that.

I think they're explaining more than bragging. It's hard to find a really high earning job that also allows for a lot of flexibility and unplanned remote work. They're not bad dads for letting the SAHM or default parent stay home with sick kids. This is usually what it takes to earn a lot of money.

I'm a little jealous and wish that I picked a high-earning husband and I could have stayed home with kids the whole time. Plus had money to outsource to make everyone's lives easier. Of all the combinations, high earning DH with SAHM seems like the best to me.

+1

Don't regret it for a minute. For a high earning job that often involves traveling 2 weeks out of a month and evening events (you don't get to the exec level and stay there without having dinners with customers and employees, etc), the best solution for us was to have a SAHP to ensure continuity for the kids and I wanted to be home with them. Sure I could have worked---I was making low 6 figures at 29 when I quit to SAHP, I could have paid for a nanny/outsourcing services but I preferred to be with my kids. Don't regret it at all

100% THIS

But don’t you miss your husband? I love my husband and am grateful to spend more than 50% of my evenings with him.

Do you have kids? When I was working FT with young kids, DH and I would constantly divide and conquer to get everything done. A wealthy SAHM could get a lot of stuff done during the day so the family can enjoy spending time together when the dad is home. Weekends are for family time, not chores. Plus house cleaner, lawn service, nanny if needed, and no problem throwing money at things. It looks like life is easier for those families. I've been running myself ragged for years and am openly jealous.

I work FT but our well-paid nanny/house manager handles all of our chores for us and preps dinner too. It is really nice.

So you basically just hired a SAHM… no shame, but also no shame for the families that just have a parent take on that role themselves.

[Anonymous]

Op, I could have easily stayed home but kept at it. The first few years were rough but I now make a healthy 6 figures in a job I love and isn't a crazy 60 hour a week schedule. I think it was all worth it especially seeing my kids develop aspirations seeing me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find it bizarre when women boast about how their husbands never stay home with sick kids so they can prioritize career. The women seem openly proud about how they’ve enabled their husbands to be bad fathers. I genuinely never know how to respond when I hear someone talking about that.

I think they're explaining more than bragging. It's hard to find a really high earning job that also allows for a lot of flexibility and unplanned remote work. They're not bad dads for letting the SAHM or default parent stay home with sick kids. This is usually what it takes to earn a lot of money.

I'm a little jealous and wish that I picked a high-earning husband and I could have stayed home with kids the whole time. Plus had money to outsource to make everyone's lives easier. Of all the combinations, high earning DH with SAHM seems like the best to me.

Nah, couldn't disagree more. DH and I both have very flexible jobs, where we can choose to go to the office or WFH. I'm in a global role and work strange hours, so I opt for home most days, while he opts for the office 2--3days/wk and works a regional role, tied to US time zones. When we have a sick kid, we trade off. One time him, the next me and so on. We used to also have FT nanny, and don't need one now. We both make about 350k+/- depending on bonuses. This is the best combo! We both get to be SAHP and work FT. I even do mid-week brunches with the other SAHMs, schools, etc.

Works for you. However, if one person wants to be higher level then the SAHP model works well too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I could have easily stayed home but kept at it. The first few years were rough but I now make a healthy 6 figures in a job I love and isn't a crazy 60 hour a week schedule. I think it was all worth it especially seeing my kids develop aspirations seeing me

My kids developed aspirations with me at home. One already in successful career, other well on the path at a top college. I was making 6 figures at 29 when I "quit" to be a SAHP, had I kept at it I'd be making $300K+ myself. But I'm happy with my choices and know for our situation it was what was best for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find it bizarre when women boast about how their husbands never stay home with sick kids so they can prioritize career. The women seem openly proud about how they’ve enabled their husbands to be bad fathers. I genuinely never know how to respond when I hear someone talking about that.

I think they're explaining more than bragging. It's hard to find a really high earning job that also allows for a lot of flexibility and unplanned remote work. They're not bad dads for letting the SAHM or default parent stay home with sick kids. This is usually what it takes to earn a lot of money.

I'm a little jealous and wish that I picked a high-earning husband and I could have stayed home with kids the whole time. Plus had money to outsource to make everyone's lives easier. Of all the combinations, high earning DH with SAHM seems like the best to me.

Nah, couldn't disagree more. DH and I both have very flexible jobs, where we can choose to go to the office or WFH. I'm in a global role and work strange hours, so I opt for home most days, while he opts for the office 2--3days/wk and works a regional role, tied to US time zones. When we have a sick kid, we trade off. One time him, the next me and so on. We used to also have FT nanny, and don't need one now. We both make about 350k+/- depending on bonuses. This is the best combo! We both get to be SAHP and work FT. I even do mid-week brunches with the other SAHMs, schools, etc.

Works for you. However, if one person wants to be higher level then the SAHP model works well too.

I don’t see how this works with young kids (like under 4) who aren’t in school most of the day or kids who do a lot of activities.

[Anonymous]

Having spouses working very different hours and trying to juggle multiple kids' activities seems like something that won't work so well over time, even for one couple. In my business, we talk about scaling quite a bit and this is a setup that I wouldn't expect to scale well at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having spouses working very different hours and trying to juggle multiple kids' activities seems like something that won't work so well over time, even for one couple. In my business, we talk about scaling quite a bit and this is a setup that I wouldn't expect to scale well at all.

Yes, my BIL and SIL are docs. One works pretty good hours as a very highly paid rad onc but misses a lot of dinners. The other also gets paid well too but has to work long shifts and many weekends. They have 3 kids (K-middle school) and it ends up being chaos and a ton of one parent coverage and meals. They also haven't taken a vaca on their own for 8+ years. They are not unhappy but life is stressful and busy. They had thought once they hit their early 40s that things would be more reasonable. I think one may end up taking a break soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the stupidest post and is another data point showing that big salary does not equal big brains (assuming your husband didn’t deliberately marry a complete nincompoop and is therefore also not that bright).

Why do you need to crowdsource on a mommy message board whether or not finances are a consideration in staying home with your kids when your husband’s income is over a MILLION dollars a year? Why can’t you figure out how to have your husband contribute to a retirement account on your behalf if you’re worried about that? Why can’t the two of you save a huge chunk of that massive income so you don’t have to worry about things going catastrophically bad?

Ridiculous. I kind of hope you’re just a troll.

Sorry nope not a troll or an idiot! Didn’t grow up with money/experienced lots of instability growing up due to money, so probably nothing will ever feel like a “safe” amount. We do save a huge portion of our income, like I said above we take no vacations, one car, reasonable mortgage - we are not blowing through cash.

I just was looking for ancedata - if people making all different amounts were happy with their decision, then that would be useful to me to know. If there were tons of regrets across the income spectrum, also helpful to know. Maybe you wouldn’t find that helpful and that’s ok.

I’m not reading the whole thread but why on earth are you not taking vacations with an income of 1-4 million a year😳 we make much less than that and have a nice house (not a mansion but a pleasant house in a good area), 2 cars, had a nanny when kids were young, take several vacations a year and have savings. No private school but have college f
funded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find it bizarre when women boast about how their husbands never stay home with sick kids so they can prioritize career. The women seem openly proud about how they’ve enabled their husbands to be bad fathers. I genuinely never know how to respond when I hear someone talking about that.

I think they're explaining more than bragging. It's hard to find a really high earning job that also allows for a lot of flexibility and unplanned remote work. They're not bad dads for letting the SAHM or default parent stay home with sick kids. This is usually what it takes to earn a lot of money.

I'm a little jealous and wish that I picked a high-earning husband and I could have stayed home with kids the whole time. Plus had money to outsource to make everyone's lives easier. Of all the combinations, high earning DH with SAHM seems like the best to me.

Nah, couldn't disagree more. DH and I both have very flexible jobs, where we can choose to go to the office or WFH. I'm in a global role and work strange hours, so I opt for home most days, while he opts for the office 2--3days/wk and works a regional role, tied to US time zones. When we have a sick kid, we trade off. One time him, the next me and so on. We used to also have FT nanny, and don't need one now. We both make about 350k+/- depending on bonuses. This is the best combo! We both get to be SAHP and work FT. I even do mid-week brunches with the other SAHMs, schools, etc.

Sounds like you work part time if you have time for all that other stuff…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, and I say this as someone in a very long-term unusually happy marriage, it does seem like there is a huge element of luck involved. I think it’s foolish to think otherwise.

No, it's not "luck". It's a matter of actually getting to know your partner, having meaningful discussions about important things that matter for a future (finances, kids, careers, goals, etc) and being truthful and genuine. It's not that difficult.

Get over yourself. You will be humbled one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find it bizarre when women boast about how their husbands never stay home with sick kids so they can prioritize career. The women seem openly proud about how they’ve enabled their husbands to be bad fathers. I genuinely never know how to respond when I hear someone talking about that.

I think they're explaining more than bragging. It's hard to find a really high earning job that also allows for a lot of flexibility and unplanned remote work. They're not bad dads for letting the SAHM or default parent stay home with sick kids. This is usually what it takes to earn a lot of money.

I'm a little jealous and wish that I picked a high-earning husband and I could have stayed home with kids the whole time. Plus had money to outsource to make everyone's lives easier. Of all the combinations, high earning DH with SAHM seems like the best to me.

+1

Don't regret it for a minute. For a high earning job that often involves traveling 2 weeks out of a month and evening events (you don't get to the exec level and stay there without having dinners with customers and employees, etc), the best solution for us was to have a SAHP to ensure continuity for the kids and I wanted to be home with them. Sure I could have worked---I was making low 6 figures at 29 when I quit to SAHP, I could have paid for a nanny/outsourcing services but I preferred to be with my kids. Don't regret it at all

100% THIS

But don’t you miss your husband? I love my husband and am grateful to spend more than 50% of my evenings with him.

Do you have kids? When I was working FT with young kids, DH and I would constantly divide and conquer to get everything done. A wealthy SAHM could get a lot of stuff done during the day so the family can enjoy spending time together when the dad is home. Weekends are for family time, not chores. Plus house cleaner, lawn service, nanny if needed, and no problem throwing money at things. It looks like life is easier for those families. I've been running myself ragged for years and am openly jealous.

I work FT but our well-paid nanny/house manager handles all of our chores for us and preps dinner too. It is really nice.

So you basically just hired a SAHM… no shame, but also no shame for the families that just have a parent take on that role themselves.

+1 I did the whole nanny with dual career thing and that was fine, but now I'm a SAHM and it's much less chaotic. We have three kids and there's just too much that I have to do myself. We still pay for cleaning and lawn services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always find it bizarre when women boast about how their husbands never stay home with sick kids so they can prioritize career. The women seem openly proud about how they’ve enabled their husbands to be bad fathers. I genuinely never know how to respond when I hear someone talking about that.

I think they're explaining more than bragging. It's hard to find a really high earning job that also allows for a lot of flexibility and unplanned remote work. They're not bad dads for letting the SAHM or default parent stay home with sick kids. This is usually what it takes to earn a lot of money.

I'm a little jealous and wish that I picked a high-earning husband and I could have stayed home with kids the whole time. Plus had money to outsource to make everyone's lives easier. Of all the combinations, high earning DH with SAHM seems like the best to me.

Nah, couldn't disagree more. DH and I both have very flexible jobs, where we can choose to go to the office or WFH. I'm in a global role and work strange hours, so I opt for home most days, while he opts for the office 2--3days/wk and works a regional role, tied to US time zones. When we have a sick kid, we trade off. One time him, the next me and so on. We used to also have FT nanny, and don't need one now. We both make about 350k+/- depending on bonuses. This is the best combo! We both get to be SAHP and work FT. I even do mid-week brunches with the other SAHMs, schools, etc.

What are these unicorn jobs that are super flexible and pay $350k? Just curious- the only people I know with that kind of salary have long hours and sound stressed all the time (physicians, big law). They certainly aren’t brunching with SAHMs during the workweek

[Anonymous]

DP. I think they’re just that - truly unicorns. Like you, everyone I know making $200K+ has to really earn it. Moderate to long hours, significant responsibility. Even more so with folks earning $750k+. The labor market at the high end tends to be very efficient, so there’s rarely if ever a “free lunch.”

If you can get one these jobs, great, but I wouldn’t stress if you couldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, and I say this as someone in a very long-term unusually happy marriage, it does seem like there is a huge element of luck involved. I think it’s foolish to think otherwise.

No, it's not "luck". It's a matter of actually getting to know your partner, having meaningful discussions about important things that matter for a future (finances, kids, careers, goals, etc) and being truthful and genuine. It's not that difficult.

Get over yourself. You will be humbled one day.

Because I'm smart enough to pick a partner who shares similar values as me? Been married 30+ years, have been a SAHP for almost 25 years, happily married with spouse who will retire in 3-4 years. The key to a happy marriage is communication. that means not just marrying because you are in Lust/Love, but that you have discussed key issues in life and have similar desires. If you choose to marry someone who cannot manage their money and loves to spend, spend spend on everything, then you will spend a lifetime trying to manage that and dealing with financial issues. Instead you can choose to marry someone who lives within their means and likes to save. I married young---we were in graduate school, so poor and had lots of loans. We were forced to budget and discuss plans. But we had great job potential and both knew our first task was to pay off the loans and get out of debt---so we kept living on a very tight budget for 3 years (think we pack lunches for work except for 1 day every few weeks---despite everyone else eating out).
Key was we had those discussions before we got married. No we are not the same person, but we align our views/desires on most major issues in life---and we learned that by communicating.