Do any SAHMs regret it because of financial reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.

I have enough for our needs and some wants too.

BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?

Np
At 3x that income we would not consider first or business class either. I also dream of having enough to buy those tickets. Maybe we should cut back on housekeeping but that wouldn't make a dent in paying so much for flights. We travel far and often but those seats would equal a vehicle for our family of four. We've over splurged on hotels though.

+1

At 400K we would rarely pay for a business class. It is simply not in the budget at that income level, unless you live in a VLCOL area and your house is only $150K

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

Thank you, sane person, for this post.

+1

It is nice to see other highly educated women with high earning potential make the choice to SAHP for many reasons. Was not a lawyer, but gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home over 25 years ago with my oldest (and I was in my 20s at the time, so just starting out)---because I wanted to and thought it was best for our family. You accurately described how home life is so much less stressed and allows the other parent to take on more risks, high powered, stressful career. I did just that and don't regret it. There is no "his money, her money" it is OUR money and has always been. Just celebrated 33 years and going strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

Thank you, sane person, for this post.

+1

It is nice to see other highly educated women with high earning potential make the choice to SAHP for many reasons. Was not a lawyer, but gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home over 25 years ago with my oldest (and I was in my 20s at the time, so just starting out)---because I wanted to and thought it was best for our family. You accurately described how home life is so much less stressed and allows the other parent to take on more risks, high powered, stressful career. I did just that and don't regret it. There is no "his money, her money" it is OUR money and has always been. Just celebrated 33 years and going strong.

That is great for you and all other professional women married to high earners, but this perspective does not adequately consider the risk inherent to relying upon another person for your financial well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make it your job to manage the finances. Make it your job not to shop the money away. Make it your job to educate your children (skip private). Make it your job to stretch the dollar and you never have to work again. Be Amy Dacyczyn.
I'm pretty sure I took it too far with the 'skip the private'. Let the nanny go at some point or only part time.
Your family makes too much money for you to work a job you don't like. You still need to be smart about it, and do think about working part time at some point. Sitting at home is boring.

Sorry you feel "sitting at home is boring" because you are not just sitting at home---you are actively taking care of and raising your kids---it's far from boring. It can be stressful and mind numbing certain days but that is life....I don't regret for a second being a SAHP for our kids (and a nanny would have only been 20% of my take home pay---I could have easily done that and avoided daycare centers)

That being said, if you would be miserable at home with your kids FT, then definately work PT and put them with a nanny or childcare of some type, because everyone including the kids will be better for that if you are not invested/happy being at home full time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the stupidest post and is another data point showing that big salary does not equal big brains (assuming your husband didn’t deliberately marry a complete nincompoop and is therefore also not that bright).

Why do you need to crowdsource on a mommy message board whether or not finances are a consideration in staying home with your kids when your husband’s income is over a MILLION dollars a year? Why can’t you figure out how to have your husband contribute to a retirement account on your behalf if you’re worried about that? Why can’t the two of you save a huge chunk of that massive income so you don’t have to worry about things going catastrophically bad?

Ridiculous. I kind of hope you’re just a troll.

She's asking for feedback from others who have made this choice. Not everything is about you.

+1
That PP souned envious and bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financially, no, I don't regret being a SAHP. There was very little left over of "my" salary after paying for a nanny and maxing retirement savings. I know people will say I should have looked at our combined salaries. I did. I actually earned more than my DH at the time so financially we would have been better off if he had become the SAHP. We felt fine financially on one salary so it wasn't a financial decision to SAH. It was about what I would regret missing the most, career or time with kids. I'm sure I'll never get back to where I would have been in my career if I had continued working, and I wish the world were different in that regard. I do also wish we had more money but the truth is we wouldn't have that much more. We certainly wouldn't have enough to compensate for the extra busy schedule and we would be spending a ton on outside help to maximize the little family time we would have, again leaving very little (if any) $ left as a result of working. So, for me it was a choice between time and money knowing that more of one meant less of the other.

P.S.- Those fearing the need to restart their careers quickly in the event their partner dies should buy life insurance. Actually, both parents should have that, and for the SAHP consider what your partner would need to pay to outsource everything you do.

+1

Life insurance is key for both parents. We had $4M on working parent and $2.5M on at home parent. We are beyond that now (one in college, one out of college and a 529 in place to fully pay for undergrad), but I would not have been a SAHP without proper life insurance. Last thing you want to have to do is find a job immediately if spouse dies----if you were a SAHP, you wouldn't want to disrupt your kids lives immediately either---that would be the time to be there for the kids and maintain "normalcy". Having 8-10x the working parent salary is key...and also enough on the SAHP so the remaining parent can hire a live in nanny for a few years would be nice as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.

I have enough for our needs and some wants too.

BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?

DP
Nice home, more travel, private school. We make twice this and I still fly cattle class. I agree with PP- I would need a big lottery win to change my mind about plane class. On the other hand, we do like the Four Seasons and the Ritz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

Okay. I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided. It is what it is. I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you. I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life. Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run. I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal. Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

I generally agree with you so forgive me if I'm going to split hairs here. I think zero resentment is a pretty high bar. I definitely resent that the world isn't better organized to support parents, but that resentment doesn't consume me. I don't blame my partner. I think it helps that I knew there would be "unfair" aspects of staying home. It hits me hard sometimes, and sometimes in ways that surprise me. When the resentment is harder to deal with I try to turn it around and ask myself if there are people I've overlooked because they are in a support role. I've tried thinking about not just the people and achievements I admire but how many other people contributed to the success. It helps. It doesn't make it right, but it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. No regrets that I spent time with my kids and they have done well in life. And I am a frugal person, living in a nice house in an average neighborhood and my kids went to public schools and state flagships - so I do not need a whole lot of money. I have a happy marriage and my DH makes a decent amount of money upwards of $400K.

I have enough for our needs and some wants too.

BUT if I won the lottery, I would fly everywhere in business and first class. I hate travelling in cattle class, especially flying for 20 hours in cattle class. I am too old for this crap!!!

Your post seemed sane until you mentioned that your husband makes over 400 goddam thousand dollars a year and you can’t figure out how to fly business or first class.

DCUM posters, a serious question: what in the actual hell do you guys do with all your money?

Look, 400K does not happen for the entire duration of your working life. DH started with 35K. This 400K+ earning has happened as we have inched closer to retirement age. So your instinct is to bank as much as you can. Besides after all the taxes and deductions you are not getting a whole lot in your hand.

And if you are extremely, extremely lucky, you live an average life without any unwanted expenses - illness, elderly parents, infertility, SN kids, divorce, therapy, natural disasters, victim of crime, addiction, legal troubles, home repair etc. Who can guarantee that these expenses won't happen?

I fly to Asia to see my family once a year. Duration of flight ranges from 15 hours to 30 hours depending on the layover, typically. Yes, business class makes you feel less like a jet lagged corpse, but the price of the ticket is also enough to give you a heart attack. Choose how you want to die!

I feel that most people flying in business or first class to Asia, are not paying out of pocket for it. Either they are flying on company's dime or they have enough frequent flyer miles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

Thank you, sane person, for this post.

+1

It is nice to see other highly educated women with high earning potential make the choice to SAHP for many reasons. Was not a lawyer, but gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home over 25 years ago with my oldest (and I was in my 20s at the time, so just starting out)---because I wanted to and thought it was best for our family. You accurately described how home life is so much less stressed and allows the other parent to take on more risks, high powered, stressful career. I did just that and don't regret it. There is no "his money, her money" it is OUR money and has always been. Just celebrated 33 years and going strong.

That is great for you and all other professional women married to high earners, but this perspective does not adequately consider the risk inherent to relying upon another person for your financial well-being.

in reality, what matters is that you commit to living on one person's salary, whatever that salary might be. We purchased our first home with the idea that we should be able to live comfortably (and with kids in the future) with just one income---could have gotten a much nicer home if we considered both salaries.
Yes, you must trust your spouse---but I cannot imagine being in a marriage with someone I didn't trust/couldnt' rely on for my financial well being---if I thought that person had the potential to screw me over I simply couldn't' be married to them.
And the worry of death/unable to work is covered by purchasing the proper insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

Thank you, sane person, for this post.

+1

It is nice to see other highly educated women with high earning potential make the choice to SAHP for many reasons. Was not a lawyer, but gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home over 25 years ago with my oldest (and I was in my 20s at the time, so just starting out)---because I wanted to and thought it was best for our family. You accurately described how home life is so much less stressed and allows the other parent to take on more risks, high powered, stressful career. I did just that and don't regret it. There is no "his money, her money" it is OUR money and has always been. Just celebrated 33 years and going strong.

That is great for you and all other professional women married to high earners, but this perspective does not adequately consider the risk inherent to relying upon another person for your financial well-being.

in reality, what matters is that you commit to living on one person's salary, whatever that salary might be. We purchased our first home with the idea that we should be able to live comfortably (and with kids in the future) with just one income---could have gotten a much nicer home if we considered both salaries.
Yes, you must trust your spouse---but I cannot imagine being in a marriage with someone I didn't trust/couldnt' rely on for my financial well being---if I thought that person had the potential to screw me over I simply couldn't' be married to them.
And the worry of death/unable to work is covered by purchasing the proper insurance.

What an unbelievably privileged and myopic view. Do you realize that for the vast majority of people simply opting to live on one person’s salary simply isn’t possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

Thank you, sane person, for this post.

+1

It is nice to see other highly educated women with high earning potential make the choice to SAHP for many reasons. Was not a lawyer, but gave up a 6 figure salary to stay home over 25 years ago with my oldest (and I was in my 20s at the time, so just starting out)---because I wanted to and thought it was best for our family. You accurately described how home life is so much less stressed and allows the other parent to take on more risks, high powered, stressful career. I did just that and don't regret it. There is no "his money, her money" it is OUR money and has always been. Just celebrated 33 years and going strong.

That is great for you and all other professional women married to high earners, but this perspective does not adequately consider the risk inherent to relying upon another person for your financial well-being.

in reality, what matters is that you commit to living on one person's salary, whatever that salary might be. We purchased our first home with the idea that we should be able to live comfortably (and with kids in the future) with just one income---could have gotten a much nicer home if we considered both salaries.
Yes, you must trust your spouse---but I cannot imagine being in a marriage with someone I didn't trust/couldnt' rely on for my financial well being---if I thought that person had the potential to screw me over I simply couldn't' be married to them.
And the worry of death/unable to work is covered by purchasing the proper insurance.

What an unbelievably privileged and myopic view. Do you realize that for the vast majority of people simply opting to live on one person’s salary simply isn’t possible?

DP. The conversation here is about high earners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I haven't read the replies, but I'm giving you mine.

DH and I met in law school and we both started out in Big Law, then I got the consulting job of my dreams so I did that. We had no family nearby. When we decided to have kids, it became clear that something had to give or we'd have to nanny out our kids. I decided to SAH because my job involved too much travel, and even if I went part-time it wouldn't work.

In our situation, DH could really concentrate on work, and because of that, he became a much bigger deal than he otherwise would. It's the same old annoying story, that man who is wildly successful but supported by a woman (or women) who is running everything non-work-related in his life. This model works but yes, there is a bit of invisibility in the job. (my job).

We had some rough times (miscarriage, SN kid, cancer, DH depression at one point, parent illnesses and deaths, mentally unstable teen), but while I felt I was too rusty to re-enter my field, I never felt vulnerable financially partly because of the way we invested our money, but mostly because my DH is the kind of person that would not leave me or us out financially even if the marriage did not work out. He's not mean, hostile, or vindictive, so a bad situation would not trigger that response in him. So my point here is, since it is a financial risk for you, you have to be honest with yourself about your DH's character.

Also, I'll say something that really helped our marriage early on when we had a toddler and an infant. I stopped giving him "the second shift" --basically the honey-do list when he came home. That took a lot of pressure off him, and I think subconciously, made him want to come home, and he found ways to come home earlier. Basically, I just decided to create an environment where he'd want to come home. At work, he's got pressure and the work is never-ending, but also, he had a bunch of people fawning all over him, and both those things contribute to workaholism. While that can be intoxicating, it's still not as good as when your loved ones are excited to see you walk through the door.

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary and were at a hotel and the young staff kept asking us what the secret was. We hadn't reflected on that, so we discussed it at dinner. We decided that it was that we:
1) both considered ourselves lucky to have the other, and
2) both tried hard to be worthy of the other.
That mentality definitely requires adoption by both indivdiuals; it won't work one-sided. But if your marriage has that, then that's a good indicator that you can take the SAH leap of faith.

Good luck, OP!

I think this is a great response and would add one thing. The woman (and it’s nearly always the woman) really needs to be ok that the husband got it “have it all”. Professional success and accolades, intellectual stimulation, respect of professional peers and that network, and also the family and kids and all the rewards that brings later in life to have raised kids well in a healthy and happy home environment. Including adult kids who really respect the professional parent and seek that person out for that type of advice exclusively. If you can do this with zero resentment (very possible), it can work out well.

It's very possible. While I was a SAHP, my kids (college and beyond) all know that I had a great career/was highly educated and made the choice to stay home with the kids. So while they go to working parent for work advice most of the time, they still consult with me regarding that (and I haven't "worked for pay" in over 25 years). They still respect me and consider me more than just someone who "cooks and cleans"

Okay. I'm sure they respect you but anyone asking you for professional advice when you haven't worked in 25 years would be misguided. It is what it is. I don't think the idea is that your kids won't respect you. I think the idea is you have to be okay that you gave up a big part of life (career and career accomplishments) and your spouse didn't have to and in fact will likely reach goals and milestones professionally they wouldn't have otherwise because you gave up that part of your life. Meanwhile, they didn't give up much of anything in the long-run. I think for people who don't value that other big part of life (career), it's no big deal. Just a good thing to reflect on at the outset or when making the decision which is what OP is doing.

What's interesting is that if you went back and asked my HS friends, they would all be shocked. I was top of my class, went to a T10 university with 2 very diverse majors. I was a go getter, be the best, women can do anything (it was the 80s, we still had to fight for our place, especially in STEM), etc. Most would have expected me to be the person in a high powered job, laser focused on career. And I was like that up until I actually had kids. I had a spot reserved at the daycare center at my large company---daycare was actually on the first floor of the building I worked in---so you couldn't get a much better situation. then I realized that I actually wanted to be around for more with the kids---I loved every moment of it (well, 98%---there are always days when you think---being at work would be easier and more sane---especially at the 4pm witching hour with babies and toddlers).

I share great pride in the success of my spouse---they are at the top of their field--was a CEO by 40. Most of my spouses colleagues/business partners know me and don't see me as anything less because I was home with the kids---they all know my background. My spouse fully recognizes that they are where they are in life because of the support from me---they never had to stay home with a sick kid or not travel for work because of kids or me having to travel instead. They never had to leave work for a 6pm daycare pickup or spend 2 hours figuring out a backup nanny when they called in sick that day.