Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and also another close friend have kids with ASD who have outbursts like this. I also have another sister who refuses to discipline her child. It's so bad that I've stopped inviting the family with the undisciplined NT kid to join us for events at our home and out in public.

The problem here is that there are lots of parents who let their kids run wild and don't make the effort to teach them to deal with limits or things running out. Outsiders have no way to know whether your kid who is throwing a fit has a parent who refuses to do the work to teach them to behave in public vs. the kid has a medical condition.

"Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.
Are these parents of kids with autism?"

How do you expect people to know which one you are?

So, here is an idea, you say nothing except if it impacts you. Its fine not to invite the misbehaving kids out but its best to ignore a child having a fit and let the parent deal with it except if they are asking for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and also another close friend have kids with ASD who have outbursts like this. I also have another sister who refuses to discipline her child. It's so bad that I've stopped inviting the family with the undisciplined NT kid to join us for events at our home and out in public.

The problem here is that there are lots of parents who let their kids run wild and don't make the effort to teach them to deal with limits or things running out. Outsiders have no way to know whether your kid who is throwing a fit has a parent who refuses to do the work to teach them to behave in public vs. the kid has a medical condition.

"Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.
Are these parents of kids with autism?"

How do you expect people to know which one you are?

So i don't disagree with you in theory. i guess the issue is: Why should any stranger NEED to make a comment in either scenario? "Best case" the kid is a NT brat who needs to be reined in by her mom. What's the purpose of the stranger saying something? Do you think it will help? "Worst case" the kid is ASD. Saying anything won't make a difference. And more importantly, shouldn't everyone in life just assume the best in others and assume this isn't a shitty mom but is a mom trying to handle her SN kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

As a parent, you need to tell your child no and if have consequences for misbehavior - i.e. you will not go in a store for two weeks if you throw a fit. However, this is a different situation where the child has special needs and may not understand like another child can. They are wired differently. You need parenting help if you need a stranger to step in. OP does not and had it under control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Is that a SN parents group talking about their childrens’ public meltdowns?

I’m not that PP but it’s obviously not. An autistic child having a meltdown is not the same as a NT child “whining” for candy. Not the same. No one would look at a meltdown and use the term “whining.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and also another close friend have kids with ASD who have outbursts like this. I also have another sister who refuses to discipline her child. It's so bad that I've stopped inviting the family with the undisciplined NT kid to join us for events at our home and out in public.

The problem here is that there are lots of parents who let their kids run wild and don't make the effort to teach them to deal with limits or things running out. Outsiders have no way to know whether your kid who is throwing a fit has a parent who refuses to do the work to teach them to behave in public vs. the kid has a medical condition.

"Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.
Are these parents of kids with autism?"

How do you expect people to know which one you are?

So i don't disagree with you in theory. i guess the issue is: Why should any stranger NEED to make a comment in either scenario? "Best case" the kid is a NT brat who needs to be reined in by her mom. What's the purpose of the stranger saying something? Do you think it will help? "Worst case" the kid is ASD. Saying anything won't make a difference. And more importantly, shouldn't everyone in life just assume the best in others and assume this isn't a shitty mom but is a mom trying to handle her SN kid?

I had someone make a nasty comment to me. My child walked ahead while we were waiting in line for a store to open. Child didn't realize they got ahead of us. Child had significant SN and didn't understand. I had a woman chasing me around the store yelling at me to do something about my kid who was behaving and right with us. It wasn't a big deal, I could see my child and grabbed her immediately as soon as I could. I finally told her to stop following us, mind her own business and if she didn't stop I was getting store security. My child wasn't melting down or doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

Maybe OP has exaggerated the meltdown. Seems curious that it could be so outsized that multiple people said something and OP could hear every word over the screaming. Maybe it wasn't that strange and out of control because it is odd OP was so in tune to every comment being made from a few feet away given the cacophony described.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and also another close friend have kids with ASD who have outbursts like this. I also have another sister who refuses to discipline her child. It's so bad that I've stopped inviting the family with the undisciplined NT kid to join us for events at our home and out in public.

The problem here is that there are lots of parents who let their kids run wild and don't make the effort to teach them to deal with limits or things running out. Outsiders have no way to know whether your kid who is throwing a fit has a parent who refuses to do the work to teach them to behave in public vs. the kid has a medical condition.

"Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.
Are these parents of kids with autism?"

How do you expect people to know which one you are?

So i don't disagree with you in theory. i guess the issue is: Why should any stranger NEED to make a comment in either scenario? "Best case" the kid is a NT brat who needs to be reined in by her mom. What's the purpose of the stranger saying something? Do you think it will help? "Worst case" the kid is ASD. Saying anything won't make a difference. And more importantly, shouldn't everyone in life just assume the best in others and assume this isn't a shitty mom but is a mom trying to handle her SN kid?

OP here. I had this thought also. What did those two women think the were accomplishing? (It was mostly the ice cream truck woman, and then the mom in line sort of piled on after the ice cream lady was so angry.) If my daughter were a NT brat, who lives with me all the time, with me parenting her and turning her into a brat, did the ice cream lady think she was going to teach her a lesson by denying her ice cream this one time? That’s very unlikely to be a durable lesson in the face of a lifetime of bad parenting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

Maybe OP has exaggerated the meltdown. Seems curious that it could be so outsized that multiple people said something and OP could hear every word over the screaming. Maybe it wasn't that strange and out of control because it is odd OP was so in tune to every comment being made from a few feet away given the cacophony described.

This is OP. I wasn’t overhearing comments. They were speaking directly TO my child, which was part of what was so horrifying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

Maybe OP has exaggerated the meltdown. Seems curious that it could be so outsized that multiple people said something and OP could hear every word over the screaming. Maybe it wasn't that strange and out of control because it is odd OP was so in tune to every comment being made from a few feet away given the cacophony described.

This is OP. I wasn’t overhearing comments. They were speaking directly TO my child, which was part of what was so horrifying!

So the woman was leaning out of the food truck to yell at a girl writhing on the ground while screaming and you heard every word of what she said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

Maybe OP has exaggerated the meltdown. Seems curious that it could be so outsized that multiple people said something and OP could hear every word over the screaming. Maybe it wasn't that strange and out of control because it is odd OP was so in tune to every comment being made from a few feet away given the cacophony described.

This is OP. I wasn’t overhearing comments. They were speaking directly TO my child, which was part of what was so horrifying!

In that case, I'd tell her that you kid has autism and can't help themself and that you don't need advice from someone working in a food truck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

Maybe OP has exaggerated the meltdown. Seems curious that it could be so outsized that multiple people said something and OP could hear every word over the screaming. Maybe it wasn't that strange and out of control because it is odd OP was so in tune to every comment being made from a few feet away given the cacophony described.

This is OP. I wasn’t overhearing comments. They were speaking directly TO my child, which was part of what was so horrifying!

So the woman was leaning out of the food truck to yell at a girl writhing on the ground while screaming and you heard every word of what she said?

OP again. As I said upthread, I don’t think it’s necessary, but I gave the nitty gritty details, including who was standing where and the number of feet away etc, upthread. If you feel super skeptical, you are welcome to read the whole thing!

Or, you could try to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

Maybe OP has exaggerated the meltdown. Seems curious that it could be so outsized that multiple people said something and OP could hear every word over the screaming. Maybe it wasn't that strange and out of control because it is odd OP was so in tune to every comment being made from a few feet away given the cacophony described.

This is OP. I wasn’t overhearing comments. They were speaking directly TO my child, which was part of what was so horrifying!

So the woman was leaning out of the food truck to yell at a girl writhing on the ground while screaming and you heard every word of what she said?

OP again. As I said upthread, I don’t think it’s necessary, but I gave the nitty gritty details, including who was standing where and the number of feet away etc, upthread. If you feel super skeptical, you are welcome to read the whole thing!

Or, you could try to be helpful.

I am so sorry, OP. The DCUM mean moms are out in full force here! Ignore them -- they are prideful and foolish.

I agree with others a quick mention of autism and that you have it under control are best.

When I am faced with kids and parents struggling my go-to comment is this: "Can I help in any way?"

That should be the only thing other parents say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

Maybe OP has exaggerated the meltdown. Seems curious that it could be so outsized that multiple people said something and OP could hear every word over the screaming. Maybe it wasn't that strange and out of control because it is odd OP was so in tune to every comment being made from a few feet away given the cacophony described.

This is OP. I wasn’t overhearing comments. They were speaking directly TO my child, which was part of what was so horrifying!

So the woman was leaning out of the food truck to yell at a girl writhing on the ground while screaming and you heard every word of what she said?

OP again. As I said upthread, I don’t think it’s necessary, but I gave the nitty gritty details, including who was standing where and the number of feet away etc, upthread. If you feel super skeptical, you are welcome to read the whole thing!

Or, you could try to be helpful.

I am so sorry, OP. The DCUM mean moms are out in full force here! Ignore them -- they are prideful and foolish.

I agree with others a quick mention of autism and that you have it under control are best.

When I am faced with kids and parents struggling my go-to comment is this: "Can I help in any way?"

That should be the only thing other parents say.

Your child's medical information is private. Don't over share. "Can I help?" is the appropriate way - maybe someone needs you to help push their cart, grab a few items, help get to the car...