Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why OP is so bothered by what other adults are saying. Many people don't know what it is like to parent a special needs child. I'm not going to bother to educate them when my kid is having a melt-down. I have accepted that the world will be a tougher place, and that's not my fault, nor is it my kid's fault. I'm not going to make it even more tough by reacting to people like the ice cream truck person.

I agree with you. But I also think I would be very flustered if a stranger was admonishing my child in the middle of a public meltdown. Likely I’d be too distracted myself to even say anything, but it’s not a bad idea to be prepared to say something. My DS doesn’t have long meltdowns but he can have very LOUD moments that are jarring. As he gets older and bigger I definitely feel like being prepared to address anyone who gets concerned might be wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve said things like “Please step back, we need space and quiet.”

I have also asked if I can help, since many times parents have bags, other kids etc that can be gathered and carried to wherever they are trying to regroup.

I will never forget the amazing woman in a full burka at Tysons who stopped when my 3yo son was having a full-on meltdown because he had a bloody nose for the first time. I also had my 5yo daughter with me and just a small bag since we weren’t going to be there long.

I was on the floor with him trying to handle that situation while keeping my daughter by me but out of the way. The woman sent her husband to help by handing me tissues. But then she realized he didn’t know what to do. So she came over and spoke quietly to my daughter while handing me wet wipes and tissue from her own diaper bag.

She never spoke to me, but I will never forget her kindness.

Why does the fact she was in a burka have anything to do with her behavior?

Because in some cultures the women don’t interact with people outside of their families. That would seem to be the case in the situation PP is describing.

Why do you ask?

This. If you don’t know the cultural context, it would seem odd that the woman didn’t speak to OP and only spoke to her child. In reality she was (likely) trying to help another mother while also respecting her cultural norms. Much of the thread has been about other parents not directly interacting with other people’s children in front of the parents, but in this case there was (likely) a specific reason why that happened and yet this woman was able to effectively offer assistance. She knew just what to do when many of us would have struggled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

I don't think it's ever helpful to chastise kids- ND and NT. They might knock it off, but you can better believe they feel shamed and internalized not nice messages about themselves. There are so many kinder ways to help kids through emotional dysregulation and learn to manage it over time. I've been following Mona Delahooke's work on this and it really resonates! FWIW, I am the parent of both autistic and NT kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure those other adults were trying to help not hurt. It may have been the wrong thing for you & your child's situation but presume they didn't mean to make it worse.

[Anonymous]

How 'bout "Here you go!" while handing the kid to the "helpful" adult?

OK, I've dreamt of doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

I'm actually on board with much of this thread.

But I think the bolded is a really sad state of mind.

What?? If I break your foot, what matters more - that your foot is broken, or that I didn't do it on purpose/I was "only trying to help"?

"Impact matters more than intent" is the kind of reasoning a person uses to justify shooting a black kid who came to the wrong house to pick up his sibling. He didn't intend to come to the wrong house, but the impact was that the homeowner felt threatened, so he could shoot the kid.

Sorry but I've always heard it used in the exact opposite manner. The *impact* was that the homeowner killed somebody; that's more important than the fact that he didn't have malicious intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not say it’s autism. It’s no one’s business.

Thanks, I have it under control.

She’s doing the best she can.

Mind your own business.

F off.

Start at the top of this list and try no to go too far down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve said things like “Please step back, we need space and quiet.”

I have also asked if I can help, since many times parents have bags, other kids etc that can be gathered and carried to wherever they are trying to regroup.

I will never forget the amazing woman in a full burka at Tysons who stopped when my 3yo son was having a full-on meltdown because he had a bloody nose for the first time. I also had my 5yo daughter with me and just a small bag since we weren’t going to be there long.

I was on the floor with him trying to handle that situation while keeping my daughter by me but out of the way. The woman sent her husband to help by handing me tissues. But then she realized he didn’t know what to do. So she came over and spoke quietly to my daughter while handing me wet wipes and tissue from her own diaper bag.

She never spoke to me, but I will never forget her kindness.

I always felt like all the parents around me were judging and there were too many times when there were rude comments. I cling to the moments like this. I was in a fast food restaurant sitting next to the perfect family. Mom, dad, 2 kids - everyone looked perfect and kids were perfectly behaved. Next to them was a mom with a child who had sns. Mom was working with the child on behavior and the child was a bit loud. The dad got up and approached the mom. I was expecting him to chastise her for annoying them instead he told the mom he worked with sns kids and what a great job she was doing. I've never forgotten this moment. He had no idea what he did for me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves!

My ASD son was "written up" weekly by the hallway patrol 5th graders roaming the overly crowded elementary school halls in the morning to be sure the kids lined up against the wall (who were not permitted to enter the classrooms) were quiet, reading, walking only on the purple tiles down the hallway and sitting on the green ones, etc. It was a nightmare. (I had asked for a quiet waiting space like the library, office, etc. to no avail;(yes, we were pursuing an IEP or 504, against the wishes of the principal and admin). Anyhow, after getting to so many of these notes from 5th graders, obviously signed by the administration and passed out by the teacher, that we had to read, comment on, sign, and return, I simply began writing "please advise the type of autism training that the issuer--or any of you--has undergone. I'll wait. Thank you."

That's a horrible administration. There is no positive behavior support in any of that and I would have raised a ruckus. That negative reinforcement denigrates your kid and encourages bullying. Wow. What a school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

How would anyone know? If you’re watching a child have SUCH an outsized over-reaction to something that you’re tempted to lecture someone else’s child because you think their behavior is WAY over the top (and perhaps you’re also thinking they are far too old to act the way they are acting), that’s a great clue! Sure, it could be that the parents are horrible, permissive people. But how about err on the side of caution or kindness and think, “wait. What if this child is having such a strange and out of control reaction to a really small thing because the child has special needs?”

It’s astonishing to me how often people post on DCUM and describe what is obviously special needs behavior and their post is just about how angry they are are the child or parent. They have never stopped to think that the child is struggling.

Maybe OP has exaggerated the meltdown. Seems curious that it could be so outsized that multiple people said something and OP could hear every word over the screaming. Maybe it wasn't that strange and out of control because it is odd OP was so in tune to every comment being made from a few feet away given the cacophony described.

This is OP. I wasn’t overhearing comments. They were speaking directly TO my child, which was part of what was so horrifying!

In that case, I'd tell her that you kid has autism and can't help themself and that you don't need advice from someone working in a food truck

you don't like reading do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

Pro tip: it is NEVER helping to chastise someone else’s child.

Pro tip: the village actually does work. For many kids, at many different times.

You’re deluded. “The village” is not about going around sniping at autistic kids having meltdowns. That doesn’t even work for NT tantrums.

The whole village thing is such bs when most other parents do not care about other people or other people's children. They would rather the kids with special needs be locked away so nothing interferes with the path of their perfect children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"f*** off* is quite effective. You can say it another way, but if that is the message, it will be received.

This kind of reaction is how things escalate out of control. Be aware that in this day and age, sadly, it can mean a gun.

+1 to this. Any sort of rude, confrontational response is basically escalating the situation and can lead to violence. There are a lot of people out there who will not take "f--k off" well and will think nothing of punching you, getting in your face, or shooting you. And then your child will be without a parent.

This is the most ridiculous post on dcum today.

You win drama queen.

[Anonymous]

We aren’t going to stand in line today Larla, let’s go to the bakery and get a cookie there instead. The bakery cookies are bigger and they might have your favorite- peanut butter! This truck won’t have peanut butter because it’s at school. We can even take your cookie home to eat it and dip it in chocolate milk if you want to! Come on, let’s go to the car and you can think about what you want to get at the bakery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We aren’t going to stand in line today Larla, let’s go to the bakery and get a cookie there instead. The bakery cookies are bigger and they might have your favorite- peanut butter! This truck won’t have peanut butter because it’s at school. We can even take your cookie home to eat it and dip it in chocolate milk if you want to! Come on, let’s go to the car and you can think about what you want to get at the bakery.

Are you serious? SMDH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

I'm actually on board with much of this thread.

But I think the bolded is a really sad state of mind.

What?? If I break your foot, what matters more - that your foot is broken, or that I didn't do it on purpose/I was "only trying to help"?

"Impact matters more than intent" is the kind of reasoning a person uses to justify shooting a black kid who came to the wrong house to pick up his sibling. He didn't intend to come to the wrong house, but the impact was that the homeowner felt threatened, so he could shoot the kid.

Sorry but I've always heard it used in the exact opposite manner. The *impact* was that the homeowner killed somebody; that's more important than the fact that he didn't have malicious intent.

But that's not what the homeowner will argue. That's why "impact vs intent" isn't the greatest argument.