Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to throw out there that I think it’s never okay to suggest discipline for someone else’s kid in situations like this. When my kid was little, there would be times when my kid would earn a reward if he did not have a full on meltdown, even if he was shockingly rude and nasty to me. It was what he was able to handle, but I got comments about my parenting. Now he’s in a much better place and our standards have moved accordingly.

[Anonymous]

May I offer my perspective? Premature babies used to die. Often. Now we save many of those fragile children, who go on to have special needs at a higher rate. Furthermore, kids with special needs used to be hidden away. For both of these reasons, older people sometimes have less experience and compassion with our kids. This kind of it-takes-a-village mentality might have been helpful when dealing with my NT kid. It would be hell when dealing with my child with multiple special needs. However, fifty years ago, my special needs child would have died at birth. I’m not wording it well, but I think that’s why the people who do this to me are often older. I know for damn sure they don’t have a neurodivergent kid. In their world, they’re being “helpful”. I don’t have the right words myself, but it helps ME to think that they’re trying to help, unless the judgement is unavoidable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May I offer my perspective? Premature babies used to die. Often. Now we save many of those fragile children, who go on to have special needs at a higher rate. Furthermore, kids with special needs used to be hidden away. For both of these reasons, older people sometimes have less experience and compassion with our kids. This kind of it-takes-a-village mentality might have been helpful when dealing with my NT kid. It would be hell when dealing with my child with multiple special needs. However, fifty years ago, my special needs child would have died at birth. I’m not wording it well, but I think that’s why the people who do this to me are often older. I know for damn sure they don’t have a neurodivergent kid. In their world, they’re being “helpful”. I don’t have the right words myself, but it helps ME to think that they’re trying to help, unless the judgement is unavoidable.

That’s a kind view, and maybe for some people. But my 80 year old mom is extremely judgmental of children behaving poorly in public. Heck, she’s extremely judgmental of society saving extremely premature babies. Anyone who is not perfect deserves pity and maybe some scorn in her eyes. I’m sure it does have to do with the time and the place in which she was raised. BUT — and this is the horrible part — my brother, her own son, has ADHD, dyslexia, mental health challenges, and other learning disabilities, which were apparent from when he was a toddler. So the idea that elderly people don’t get it because these kids didn’t exist when elderly people were younger is false. By brother existed. Thankfully, cultural attitudes have changed, for most/many of us. I think that’s what is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

Pro tip: it is NEVER helping to chastise someone else’s child.

[Anonymous]

To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Is that a SN parents group talking about their childrens’ public meltdowns?

I’m not that PP but it’s obviously not. An autistic child having a meltdown is not the same as a NT child “whining” for candy. Not the same. No one would look at a meltdown and use the term “whining.”

NP here. Right, it's defenitely not. My dd, who has ASD, actually never whines for candy or things. But I could imagine her having a meltdown similar to OP's dd. Op's dd thought she was getting a cookie, had seen other kids get a cookie, had waited patiently in line, and was informed she was NOT getting a cookie. Even an NT kid could get upset from that. And our ASD kids are less flexible and more rigid, so it's harder on them when something changes like that. MY dd is getting more able to calmly handle things-but it's taken time and we've had a few epic meltdowns.

OP, honestly, I wouldn't even talk to anyone like those people who were yakking at your dd. I'd just focus on her and if possible, gather her up and get her away from there. I don't think there is anything you can say to people like that. Even before I had a SN kid, I never made comments to parents of other kids-but some people feel entitled to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

Pro tip: it is NEVER helping to chastise someone else’s child.

Pro tip: the village actually does work. For many kids, at many different times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

How would anyone know? And yes, I do think that many of the kids do have special needs.

I just mean that some people want help and some people don't. It's impossible to know which. I have been upset when strangers have not helped me in the past, but then I guess they've been yelled at by other moms. It's hard to win.

Pro tip: it is NEVER helping to chastise someone else’s child.

Pro tip: the village actually does work. For many kids, at many different times.

You’re deluded. “The village” is not about going around sniping at autistic kids having meltdowns. That doesn’t even work for NT tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

On what planet do you go around interfering with strangers’ kids having meltdowns or tantrums? Do you not get it? This is not “whining” or “rudeness.” It’s a momentary overload. I cannot think of a single justification for doing anything except maybe helping the way some PPs have described (picking up a purse, a kind word later.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

On what planet do you go around interfering with strangers’ kids having meltdowns or tantrums? Do you not get it? This is not “whining” or “rudeness.” It’s a momentary overload. I cannot think of a single justification for doing anything except maybe helping the way some PPs have described (picking up a purse, a kind word later.)

PP here. I am much too chicken to be able to say anything to anyone else's child. But I have had people, including cashiers, use "the voice" on my DC. Also teachers when out-and-about in the neighborhood, using their "teacher voice". Kids hear from their parents all the time how to behave. It can be very effective for a kid to hear it from another adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

On what planet do you go around interfering with strangers’ kids having meltdowns or tantrums? Do you not get it? This is not “whining” or “rudeness.” It’s a momentary overload. I cannot think of a single justification for doing anything except maybe helping the way some PPs have described (picking up a purse, a kind word later.)

PP here. I am much too chicken to be able to say anything to anyone else's child. But I have had people, including cashiers, use "the voice" on my DC. Also teachers when out-and-about in the neighborhood, using their "teacher voice". Kids hear from their parents all the time how to behave. It can be very effective for a kid to hear it from another adult.

I don’t need another adult to parent my child *when I am right there* ffs. If I’m not there and they are supervising, sure. But to discipline another parent’s child when she is standing there? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

On what planet do you go around interfering with strangers’ kids having meltdowns or tantrums? Do you not get it? This is not “whining” or “rudeness.” It’s a momentary overload. I cannot think of a single justification for doing anything except maybe helping the way some PPs have described (picking up a purse, a kind word later.)

PP here. I am much too chicken to be able to say anything to anyone else's child. But I have had people, including cashiers, use "the voice" on my DC. Also teachers when out-and-about in the neighborhood, using their "teacher voice". Kids hear from their parents all the time how to behave. It can be very effective for a kid to hear it from another adult.

I don’t need another adult to parent my child *when I am right there* ffs. If I’m not there and they are supervising, sure. But to discipline another parent’s child when she is standing there? No.

and also of course - OP’s child was having a meltdown. “the voice” is not going to help.

[Anonymous]

Why do some of you think that other people know your kid is ND?

[Anonymous]

"f*** off* is quite effective. You can say it another way, but if that is the message, it will be received.