Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

On what planet do you go around interfering with strangers’ kids having meltdowns or tantrums? Do you not get it? This is not “whining” or “rudeness.” It’s a momentary overload. I cannot think of a single justification for doing anything except maybe helping the way some PPs have described (picking up a purse, a kind word later.)

PP here. I am much too chicken to be able to say anything to anyone else's child. But I have had people, including cashiers, use "the voice" on my DC. Also teachers when out-and-about in the neighborhood, using their "teacher voice". Kids hear from their parents all the time how to behave. It can be very effective for a kid to hear it from another adult.

I don’t need another adult to parent my child *when I am right there* ffs. If I’m not there and they are supervising, sure. But to discipline another parent’s child when she is standing there? No.

and also of course - OP’s child was having a meltdown. “the voice” is not going to help.

The last two pages are categorically saying that no adult should ever speak to another child ever.

I'm not sure where any of these posters got this idea, but that is not the culture in the US or the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"f*** off* is quite effective. You can say it another way, but if that is the message, it will be received.

This kind of reaction is how things escalate out of control. Be aware that in this day and age, sadly, it can mean a gun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"f*** off* is quite effective. You can say it another way, but if that is the message, it will be received.

This kind of reaction is how things escalate out of control. Be aware that in this day and age, sadly, it can mean a gun.

+1 to this. Any sort of rude, confrontational response is basically escalating the situation and can lead to violence. There are a lot of people out there who will not take "f--k off" well and will think nothing of punching you, getting in your face, or shooting you. And then your child will be without a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

I'm actually on board with much of this thread.

But I think the bolded is a really sad state of mind.

[Anonymous]

What about just saying, “More people engaging just makes her more upset. Please ignore.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"f*** off* is quite effective. You can say it another way, but if that is the message, it will be received.

This kind of reaction is how things escalate out of control. Be aware that in this day and age, sadly, it can mean a gun.

+1 to this. Any sort of rude, confrontational response is basically escalating the situation and can lead to violence. There are a lot of people out there who will not take "f--k off" well and will think nothing of punching you, getting in your face, or shooting you. And then your child will be without a parent.

Plus this is a school event. If a parent uttered that it would just signal to everyone else to steer far clear of someone like that. Totally inappropriate given the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister and also another close friend have kids with ASD who have outbursts like this. I also have another sister who refuses to discipline her child. It's so bad that I've stopped inviting the family with the undisciplined NT kid to join us for events at our home and out in public.

The problem here is that there are lots of parents who let their kids run wild and don't make the effort to teach them to deal with limits or things running out. Outsiders have no way to know whether your kid who is throwing a fit has a parent who refuses to do the work to teach them to behave in public vs. the kid has a medical condition.

"Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.
Are these parents of kids with autism?"

How do you expect people to know which one you are?

So i don't disagree with you in theory. i guess the issue is: Why should any stranger NEED to make a comment in either scenario? "Best case" the kid is a NT brat who needs to be reined in by her mom. What's the purpose of the stranger saying something? Do you think it will help? "Worst case" the kid is ASD. Saying anything won't make a difference. And more importantly, shouldn't everyone in life just assume the best in others and assume this isn't a shitty mom but is a mom trying to handle her SN kid?

OP here. I had this thought also. What did those two women think the were accomplishing? (It was mostly the ice cream truck woman, and then the mom in line sort of piled on after the ice cream lady was so angry.) If my daughter were a NT brat, who lives with me all the time, with me parenting her and turning her into a brat, did the ice cream lady think she was going to teach her a lesson by denying her ice cream this one time? That’s very unlikely to be a durable lesson in the face of a lifetime of bad parenting!

Isn't it possible the ice cream truck lady was speaking to your child as a function of her job? She should be managing the line, making sure it is moving, letting customers know their options, maybe trying to make a profit. It sounds like she could have handled the situation better but she wasn't a random person who wandered into the situation. Your child having a meltdown in a line she was managing during probably wasn't a pleasant experience for her. Everyone is correct, she has no training for this situation so there shouldn't be an expectation that she knows what to do and she could easily interpret it to be her job to interact with the clients in the line she is managing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

I'm actually on board with much of this thread.

But I think the bolded is a really sad state of mind.

What?? If I break your foot, what matters more - that your foot is broken, or that I didn't do it on purpose/I was "only trying to help"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

OP has already described the meltdown a number of times and it definitely meets the threshold for visibly obvious kid is far beyond logic. I do not know why people are so unwilling to take them at their word and keep minimizing the meltdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

I'm actually on board with much of this thread.

But I think the bolded is a really sad state of mind.

What?? If I break your foot, what matters more - that your foot is broken, or that I didn't do it on purpose/I was "only trying to help"?

If you break my foot because you are trying to be helpful (that is, not doing it on purpose and not doing anything negligent), but are not aware of circumstances that makes my foot more prone to breakage.... then I sure as shit am not going to be ANGRY at you for breaking my foot.

So yeah, I strongly disagree with the above statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

I'm actually on board with much of this thread.

But I think the bolded is a really sad state of mind.

What?? If I break your foot, what matters more - that your foot is broken, or that I didn't do it on purpose/I was "only trying to help"?

"Impact matters more than intent" is the kind of reasoning a person uses to justify shooting a black kid who came to the wrong house to pick up his sibling. He didn't intend to come to the wrong house, but the impact was that the homeowner felt threatened, so he could shoot the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"f*** off* is quite effective. You can say it another way, but if that is the message, it will be received.

This kind of reaction is how things escalate out of control. Be aware that in this day and age, sadly, it can mean a gun.

+1 to this. Any sort of rude, confrontational response is basically escalating the situation and can lead to violence. There are a lot of people out there who will not take "f--k off" well and will think nothing of punching you, getting in your face, or shooting you. And then your child will be without a parent.

Or calling the cops/CPS on you

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why OP is so bothered by what other adults are saying. Many people don't know what it is like to parent a special needs child. I'm not going to bother to educate them when my kid is having a melt-down. I have accepted that the world will be a tougher place, and that's not my fault, nor is it my kid's fault. I'm not going to make it even more tough by reacting to people like the ice cream truck person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

On what planet do you go around interfering with strangers’ kids having meltdowns or tantrums? Do you not get it? This is not “whining” or “rudeness.” It’s a momentary overload. I cannot think of a single justification for doing anything except maybe helping the way some PPs have described (picking up a purse, a kind word later.)

PP here. I am much too chicken to be able to say anything to anyone else's child. But I have had people, including cashiers, use "the voice" on my DC. Also teachers when out-and-about in the neighborhood, using their "teacher voice". Kids hear from their parents all the time how to behave. It can be very effective for a kid to hear it from another adult.

I don’t need another adult to parent my child *when I am right there* ffs. If I’m not there and they are supervising, sure. But to discipline another parent’s child when she is standing there? No.

and also of course - OP’s child was having a meltdown. “the voice” is not going to help.

The last two pages are categorically saying that no adult should ever speak to another child ever.

I'm not sure where any of these posters got this idea, but that is not the culture in the US or the DMV.

Nobody ever said “don’t talk to a child ever.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To everyone saying "they meant it kindly" or "they were only trying to help", stop.

Impact matters more than intent.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

DP. I said a ways upthread that, yes, this "unsolicited chastisement of someone else's kid" is helpful, for many kids. Often times, the kid will knock it off, when a stranger talks to them. It has worked a couple times with my ASD kid, too. Not when they are rolling around on the floor screaming (not really clear what OP's DC's meltdown looked like but it doesn't seem to have been at that level) but when they were rigid, stuck, maybe getting-to-meltdown.

All these defensive posts saying that people should never ever talk to a child are strange and living in s a strange world.

On what planet do you go around interfering with strangers’ kids having meltdowns or tantrums? Do you not get it? This is not “whining” or “rudeness.” It’s a momentary overload. I cannot think of a single justification for doing anything except maybe helping the way some PPs have described (picking up a purse, a kind word later.)

PP here. I am much too chicken to be able to say anything to anyone else's child. But I have had people, including cashiers, use "the voice" on my DC. Also teachers when out-and-about in the neighborhood, using their "teacher voice". Kids hear from their parents all the time how to behave. It can be very effective for a kid to hear it from another adult.

I don’t need another adult to parent my child *when I am right there* ffs. If I’m not there and they are supervising, sure. But to discipline another parent’s child when she is standing there? No.

and also of course - OP’s child was having a meltdown. “the voice” is not going to help.

The last two pages are categorically saying that no adult should ever speak to another child ever.

I'm not sure where any of these posters got this idea, but that is not the culture in the US or the DMV.

Nobody ever said “don’t talk to a child ever.”

Lots of us wish other adults would admonish our children when they see them misbehaving. I can't be everywhere. As parents we say things like "you can't do X because it's rude to those around you." But if no one ever calls them out or tells them they're rude, they just think other adults don't care. Sometimes kids are actively trying to get the attention of other adults too and adults look away so that they don't offend the parent or say anything.