Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve said things like “Please step back, we need space and quiet.”

I have also asked if I can help, since many times parents have bags, other kids etc that can be gathered and carried to wherever they are trying to regroup.

I will never forget the amazing woman in a full burka at Tysons who stopped when my 3yo son was having a full-on meltdown because he had a bloody nose for the first time. I also had my 5yo daughter with me and just a small bag since we weren’t going to be there long.

I was on the floor with him trying to handle that situation while keeping my daughter by me but out of the way. The woman sent her husband to help by handing me tissues. But then she realized he didn’t know what to do. So she came over and spoke quietly to my daughter while handing me wet wipes and tissue from her own diaper bag.

She never spoke to me, but I will never forget her kindness.

Why does the fact she was in a burka have anything to do with her behavior?

Because in some cultures the women don’t interact with people outside of their families. That would seem to be the case in the situation PP is describing.

Why do you ask?

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine to say, I am handling it, I don't need help. It is direct and to the point and tells the person to move on.

[Anonymous]

"She has autism. I am handing this. That is not helpful."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally wouldn’t say she has autism - that’s none of their business. I would say “please allow me to handle this” - and say that directly to the adults. I understand you were probably mid wrangle and brain flooded, but I think explaining her diagnosis to those not aware isn’t going to shut it down enough - it might even invite their greater wisdom.

This is helpful perspective. It seemed to shut down one of the commenters but it made the other one double down. I wondered later if she felt defensive, maybe, and like she had to up the ante with her tough love parenting advice. Maybe there is nothing I could have said that would have stopped her. I don’t know.

It’s a good point that my daughter doesn’t owe anyone the information about her diagnoses. I will think about this more.

I've seen disclosing work both ways. It was really helpful once and invited a lot of compassion. Another time I think the person felt shamed and defensive and things got worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you need to disclose her autism. As others have suggested, something along the lines of "That comment isn't helpful" or "Please let me decide what is best for my child" is sufficient.

In general, food trucks at school events are a recipe for trouble. The lines are incredibly long and they run out of things.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

As if it were only that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"She has autism. I am handing this. That is not helpful."

No, do not discuss your child’s private medical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Are these parents of kids with autism?

[Anonymous]

I think OP is overreacting and I am a parent with a child with special needs who has had to be carried out of situations. I think most people mean well even if the execution is clumsy or downright rude.

I think the worst people are the ones who sneer at you and judge you while walking away when you obviously need help. One time my purse fell off during one incident with stuff spilling out, and it made me feel really bad about the world when several people just gave me a dirty look and walked right past me. If it were me I would have taken the time to put everything back in and safeguarded the purse until it was clear the mother was able to take it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I'm in a different group where moms are begging strangers to help be their "village". The example the mom gave was a child having a meltdown over not getting candy at the checkout line. The woman praised the cashier for also telling her child "no and you need to listen to your mom." Apparently the kid instantly stopped whining. In the comments people are so thrilled when strangers stop their kids from doing dangerous things at playgrounds, aren't playing nicely or are having tantrums.

Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.

Is that a SN parents group talking about their childrens’ public meltdowns?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"She has autism. I am handing this. That is not helpful."

No, do not discuss your child’s private medical.

I get what you’re saying, but the issue that OP is posting about arose specifically because she can’t keep her dd’s symptoms private when dd has a huge public meltdown, so her choices are letting others’ meddling roll off her back or cluing them in to what’s happening. Trying to thread that needle where you manage to shut people down without disclosing or seeming like you’re having your own tantrum probably too much for someone in a situation that’s already super stressful.

[Anonymous]

My sister and also another close friend have kids with ASD who have outbursts like this. I also have another sister who refuses to discipline her child. It's so bad that I've stopped inviting the family with the undisciplined NT kid to join us for events at our home and out in public.

The problem here is that there are lots of parents who let their kids run wild and don't make the effort to teach them to deal with limits or things running out. Outsiders have no way to know whether your kid who is throwing a fit has a parent who refuses to do the work to teach them to behave in public vs. the kid has a medical condition.

"Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.
Are these parents of kids with autism?"

How do you expect people to know which one you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves!

My ASD son was "written up" weekly by the hallway patrol 5th graders roaming the overly crowded elementary school halls in the morning to be sure the kids lined up against the wall (who were not permitted to enter the classrooms) were quiet, reading, walking only on the purple tiles down the hallway and sitting on the green ones, etc. It was a nightmare. (I had asked for a quiet waiting space like the library, office, etc. to no avail;(yes, we were pursuing an IEP or 504, against the wishes of the principal and admin). Anyhow, after getting to so many of these notes from 5th graders, obviously signed by the administration and passed out by the teacher, that we had to read, comment on, sign, and return, I simply began writing "please advise the type of autism training that the issuer--or any of you--has undergone. I'll wait. Thank you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and also another close friend have kids with ASD who have outbursts like this. I also have another sister who refuses to discipline her child. It's so bad that I've stopped inviting the family with the undisciplined NT kid to join us for events at our home and out in public.

The problem here is that there are lots of parents who let their kids run wild and don't make the effort to teach them to deal with limits or things running out. Outsiders have no way to know whether your kid who is throwing a fit has a parent who refuses to do the work to teach them to behave in public vs. the kid has a medical condition.

"Just wanted to throw that out because there are differing views and plenty of people wouldn't have minded the cashier saying that to your child.
Are these parents of kids with autism?"

How do you expect people to know which one you are?

You are making so many assumptions here. So glad I don't know you in real life.