Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

My autistic daughter had a meltdown yesterday when the cookie food truck at her school festival ran out of cookies when we were next in line. She was yelling and refusing to leave the line. One of the other moms in line and the woman working in the truck both started saying things to DD like she didn’t deserve a cookie anyway because of the way she was acting, and that there was still ice cream, but kids who act that way can’t have any, etc. Fortunately once my daughter is in a meltdown, she can barely hear what other people are saying anyway. I asked both of them to stop and said she has autism. One stopped and the other kept grumbling about my daughter’s behavior but eventually did stop fussing at my child.

I would like to have some phrase ready to use in situations like this. “It’s not a tantrum, it’s autism” maybe?

I want the busybody moms to butt out, but also I don’t want my daughter to hear me using autism as an “excuse” for screaming about not getting a cookie. She’s not old enough to understand that it’s definitely the explanation but she can’t use it as an excuse!

Do other parents have a good phrase?

Note that this question is really just for special needs parents. It’s not helpful to hear from parents of neurotypical kids. At all.

[Anonymous]

Not gonna try and offer advice but OP it is just awful that other parents think it's acceptable to discipline other's kids!

[Anonymous]

This is OP again. To more fully paint the picture, the woman in the food truck was saying to my child, “I still have ice cream, but little girls who talk to their mothers that way can’t have any.” To an autistic child mid-meltdown. It did not help the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My autistic daughter had a meltdown yesterday when the cookie food truck at her school festival ran out of cookies when we were next in line. She was yelling and refusing to leave the line. One of the other moms in line and the woman working in the truck both started saying things to DD like she didn’t deserve a cookie anyway because of the way she was acting, and that there was still ice cream, but kids who act that way can’t have any, etc. Fortunately once my daughter is in a meltdown, she can barely hear what other people are saying anyway. I asked both of them to stop and said she has autism. One stopped and the other kept grumbling about my daughter’s behavior but eventually did stop fussing at my child.

I would like to have some phrase ready to use in situations like this. “It’s not a tantrum, it’s autism” maybe?

I want the busybody moms to butt out, but also I don’t want my daughter to hear me using autism as an “excuse” for screaming about not getting a cookie. She’s not old enough to understand that it’s definitely the explanation but she can’t use it as an excuse!

Do other parents have a good phrase?

Note that this question is really just for special needs parents. It’s not helpful to hear from parents of neurotypical kids. At all.

Like you said, when she is having a meltdown she is not processing and reasoning about language. I think it's fine to just say "She has autism; please leave us alone you are making the situation worse."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. To more fully paint the picture, the woman in the food truck was saying to my child, “I still have ice cream, but little girls who talk to their mothers that way can’t have any.” To an autistic child mid-meltdown. It did not help the situation.

You shouldn’t ever use autism as an excuse for poor behavior. Please don’t do that. Just ignore the adults that aren’t acting as such and focus on your child. If you need help with discipline and separating the autism from the child then hire someone to assist.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh, it was the person running the truck?! I would contact the owner and the PTA or whoever organized the truck. Beyond unacceptable.

I haven't found the magic words for other parents either, especially when we're in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, you need to control your kid. Maybe public settings like that aren’t a great idea for her to be in.

OP said don't reply if you have an NT kid.
This was a school event. Should all kids with special needs avoid school
Events?

[Anonymous]

Yes! This is OP. I’m getting away from my original question here but I can’t imagine a world in which she thought it was appropriate to withhold ice cream from a customer based on her own parenting or discipline ideas.

I am also surprised the other mom in line thought it was a good idea to tell MY CHILD that the truck still had ice cream. Why were both of them talking directly to a child who was in such distress? The whole thing was so strange.

I think they were trying to be helpful and admittedly I didn’t have the situation under control. She was screaming and I was trying to pick her up and carry her away. We were a mess. But if you want to help, talk to ME and ask me what you can do to help. So very strange.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry adults behaved like this to you and your child, OP. You stated her diagnosis and that was the right thing to do. I can't ever imagine trying to reason with a child or adult who is in the middle of a tantrum/rage episode, no matter their diagnosis. That's the least productive moment to try and talk to them!

I hope you're feeling OK now. Stress impacts your health after a while.

[Anonymous]

Work with your child on accepting “no” and accepting changes, ignore adults that don’t understand.

[Anonymous]

I might sat that they don’t know the whole story and you’d like to handle this yourself. Repeat as needed.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a simple, firm "you are making the situation worse" to these ignorant adults is the right move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work with your child on accepting “no” and accepting changes, ignore adults that don’t understand.

This is OP. Of course we’re working on those those things. I can’t ignore adults who don’t understand if they are approaching my child and speaking directly to her! That’s the point here. One approached her, and the other got her attention and then spoke to her from the truck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work with your child on accepting “no” and accepting changes, ignore adults that don’t understand.

Obviously OP is working on this... sigh.

[Anonymous]

Why were you so focused on what they were saying and doing and not getting your daughter out of there? If you know only a cookie is going to save the day and there were no more cookies you needed to leave ASAP and not stand and listen to all the comments and feedback. Seems like you waited around hoping cookies would magically reappear given all the comments you heard. It sucks, my kid has ADHD and melts down inappropriately at times too, but I've never stood there getting feedback. If someone had anything to say about it I wouldn't even know.