Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you so focused on what they were saying and doing and not getting your daughter out of there? If you know only a cookie is going to save the day and there were no more cookies you needed to leave ASAP and not stand and listen to all the comments and feedback. Seems like you waited around hoping cookies would magically reappear given all the comments you heard. It sucks, my kid has ADHD and melts down inappropriately at times too, but I've never stood there getting feedback. If someone had anything to say about it I wouldn't even know.

This is OP. I’m sorry my replies are quoting the relevant text. I didn’t realize there’s a difference in reply and quote now.

Hahaha no, I wasn’t standing around waiting for a cookie! But that makes me chuckle. She was screaming and flailing on the ground. I was trying to pick her up, but she’s over 50 pounds and didn’t want to leave, so I only got a few feet before I needed to put her down and readjust. She’s not easy to carry when she’s flailing like that. And I knew had to get across a parking lot, where I would need to put her down to unlock my car, and at that point she would run away, across a busy parking lot.

I decided it was safer to try to get her a bit calmer a few feet away from the cookie truck before I tried to carry her through the parking lot.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT A PARENT WITH A CHILD HAVING A MELTDOWN HAS TO CALCULATE. Meanwhile the other women were lecturing her and taunting her about ice cream, which was escalating things.

Are you saying people followed you away from the truck to keep admonishing you? It sounded like you stayed holding up the line. You don't need to get all the way to the car but just away from the crowd as much as possible. Just get her to a safe spot and wait for her to calm down. The plan to get her to the car and then knowing she was going to dart into traffic doesn't sound like a good one.

I don’t think you need to worry too much about the logistics here in order to answer the actual question, but now that I think of it, yes, I guess the mom from the line did actually “follow” us from the line over to where I had picked up and moved my daughter about 5-10 feet or so away from the line, to first say to my daughter, “don’t cry, they still have ice cream” (when my daughter was doing way more than crying — she was already screaming and flailing at that point). My daughter then moved closer to the truck and line, and I was saying to my child, “the truck is closed, she’s all out of cookies and ice cream” (because I thought that was true). And that’s when the woman in the truck said she had ice cream but not for kids who acted like my daughter was acting, and cue second wave of meltdown, and then both women saying directly to my daughter that children who act that way don’t get ice cream. I think. It all happened quickly and the exact play by play is not AT ALL the point.

I asked because it's super weird if people are tailing you to keep harassing you about it. If you're holding up the line I can understand other people's frustrations. You don't know what they are dealing with their kids who also want ice cream/cookies etc. Sounds like it was a long line and wait and that's hard for most kids under the best circumstances. But to follow you to keep up the "discipline" is next level weird. I'd be livid and would have harsh words for people who did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally wouldn’t say she has autism - that’s none of their business. I would say “please allow me to handle this” - and say that directly to the adults. I understand you were probably mid wrangle and brain flooded, but I think explaining her diagnosis to those not aware isn’t going to shut it down enough - it might even invite their greater wisdom.

This is helpful perspective. It seemed to shut down one of the commenters but it made the other one double down. I wondered later if she felt defensive, maybe, and like she had to up the ante with her tough love parenting advice. Maybe there is nothing I could have said that would have stopped her. I don’t know.

It’s a good point that my daughter doesn’t owe anyone the information about her diagnoses. I will think about this more.

I’m not a parent but have worked with many children with ASD 1:1 and in groups and have encountered more than my share of uncomfortable public moments. In general I’ve always just ignored others around me and I’ve been in many difficult situations like this. Initially I ignored them because of HIPAA (can’t tell a stranger about a diagnosis), as I grew to learn more about autism I realized blaming the diagnosis wouldn’t be helpful for anyone in those situations.

It’s more important to me now that I am handling the problem behavior and making myself aware of all the things that may have contributed to the problem in that specific situation-regardless of whether people just think I’m a “bad parent” or whatever- so that I can better address it in the future. This is admittedly easier for me because I wasn’t the parent (I’ve seen first hand how distressing these situations can be for parents) but in general I’ve still found that addressing the underlying issue is better than blaming it on a diagnosis.

You and your daughter also don’t owe anyone an explanation and I’d probably avoid the labels altogether unless you find it helpful to your child. There have been very very few times I’ve asked a parent if I could share a child’s diagnosis, and usually this was because another child asked me a direct question and I thought it would be a good teaching opportunity. I’ve never felt the need to justify myself or a child to another adult that wasn’t that child’s parent, caregiver, or teacher. If the adult doesn’t fall into one of those categories you really don’t owe them anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say something like this, as calmly, sharply, and with as much eye contact as I can spare:

"You have. Absolutely. No Idea. What is going on here." (A pause on absolutely really helps.)

Generally, it shames the speaker, and they stop. They don't deserve the benefit of knowing my child's diagnosis. I never share with someone that arrogant and condescending. Sorry that it happened.

This is interesting. I wonder if the people yesterday would have stopped if I had said this or if they would have come back with something awful like, “I know a child having a tantrum over a cookie when I see one.”

Perhaps I need to accept that there are no magic words. It was just so beyond the pale.

[Anonymous]

I would respond with “I’ll handle it, please don’t intervene” and then try to physically remove my child. I know that’s easier said than done (my child has ASD but was diagnosed later so we had these things happen before a diagnosis was made and it was SO HARD when bystanders chimed in).

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t know how you would feel about this but there are business card size info cards created for this exact type of situation. You hand them to a person in public to communicate what you want to say without having to say it aloud or take too much energy interacting with the adult whom you sense is judging you or whom is outright making comments to you/your child.

Here is a link to one, but there are lots of options. Or you could make your own. You could even make just a couple on paper, “laminate” them with packing tape and ask the person to hand it back to you after they have read it or even just have that printed on the card to please hand it back to you after they read it.

https://pathfindersforautism.org/articles/home/my-child-has-autism-wallet-cards/

I completely understand if this doesn’t appeal to you, but I do you want to present it is one option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say something like this, as calmly, sharply, and with as much eye contact as I can spare:

"You have. Absolutely. No Idea. What is going on here." (A pause on absolutely really helps.)

Generally, it shames the speaker, and they stop. They don't deserve the benefit of knowing my child's diagnosis. I never share with someone that arrogant and condescending. Sorry that it happened.

This is interesting. I wonder if the people yesterday would have stopped if I had said this or if they would have come back with something awful like, “I know a child having a tantrum over a cookie when I see one.”

Perhaps I need to accept that there are no magic words. It was just so beyond the pale.

Well, she was having a tantrum over a cookie. The problem is that due to the autism she can't roll with the punches and deal with the disappointment they way another child would be able to. But that's not anyone else's business. You just have to learn to ignore and focus on your child and tune the bystanders out. It's neither here nor there, but this is why I hate the food trucks. The line is always incredibly long and slow moving and even if you can place an order it might take 45 minutes to get it. It's a nightmare no matter what so we just avoid as a rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say something like this, as calmly, sharply, and with as much eye contact as I can spare:

"You have. Absolutely. No Idea. What is going on here." (A pause on absolutely really helps.)

Generally, it shames the speaker, and they stop. They don't deserve the benefit of knowing my child's diagnosis. I never share with someone that arrogant and condescending. Sorry that it happened.

I’m the pp who just gave the link to the business card but I absolutely love this as well. I 100% agree that no one is entitled to know jack sheet about your child’s diagnosis. It just depends on peoples comfort level, and the ability to be calm with the verbal interaction with strangers in the moment.

Come to think of it, what you just said that you say to people could also be printed on one of these cards. I love the idea of stopping the speaker in their tracks, with whatever method works for a given parent.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always been very open about my dd’s diagnoses because it’s not like I can hide that she’s different from other kids. The proof is right there in front of everyone. I’d rather people understand why she isn’t behaving appropriately than to think she’s capable of appropriate behavior, but is just misbehaving.

My dd is 15 now, so I now know how she feels about sharing her diagnosis. She shares it openly because she feels like it gives people an understanding of why she’s rigid or socially awkward and she finds that they’re more compassionate when they know she’s on the spectrum — even her peers.

If you aren’t the type to share information that isn’t anyone’s business, then I think pp was right, and you should firmly tell people that they’re making the situation worse and to just ignore your dd. If you’re okay with sharing her diagnosis, I’d tell people that unless they are trained in dealing with autistic children, please stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Kids need to practice public interactions so, as a parent, I wouldn’t keep my child from situations like this but try to use it as a learning opportunity when she’s calmed down. I have a DS with ASD and have been through this.

In the moment, calmly tell DD that the food truck is out of cookies but you’ll get her a cookie as soon as you can. You have to keep your cool while DD is losing hers. Deescalate as much as possible.

Ignore the busybodies who try to intervene. They are simply ignorant. If you must talk to them, tell them to keep their comments to themselves because they aren’t helping the situation. Then leave as soon as you can. No apologies.

[Anonymous]

OK, mom of child with HFA here. It's tough. I wanted people to have more empathy, but also had the goal of raising a child who could function in the world independently in adulthood. So, I am not of the camp that everyone has to just let him be him no matter how disruptive, but it was all so painful for me and i wanted to protect him.

We got many rude comments in the grocery store, at field trips, etc. I cried a lot after, but I don't think it was bad for him to hear and see how people felt about his behavior. In fact, one old man told him off during a tantrum and he actually stopped and looked stunned. Sometimes people let us go to the front of the grocery line which was both blessing and curse. I was losing my mind and wanted to get out, but it may have reinforced things a little.

Now my son is older and we can discuss how others react. He can actually reflect and be helped to understand how his behavior impacts others and we need other strategies when stressed. I think he has grown from all this.

So I guess I see this all as very grey. We protect our kids, but don't wrap them in a bubble. I used to tell people he has sensory issues, but I know this behavior is disruptive and I apologize and say we are working on it. That seemed to help often. I respected their right to not have a kid scream, but also helped them to see there are special needs and it's complicated.

things have improved a lot. I think he has learned strategies to manage anxiety, his brain has developed more and he is tunes into how others react. I know there is a segment of the autism population who feels we should let our kids tantrum, stim, and do all sorts of things. I think there are kids who may not be able to learn to manage these things and the world must adapt to them. I feel fortunate my son can learn to adapt to the world. One day i won't be here to protect him. I want him to be able to fit into a complex world, make friends and adapt to life's challenges.

[Anonymous]

Oh one more thing....when my son had situations like this we usually had the ST or OT do a social story with him to help him learn healthier strategies to use when these situations occur on the future.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, this is not for handling the other (annoying) adults at the truck. The Unstuck and On Target program helped our kid with being ready for a "plan b" when expectations didn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Is being told no a usual problem that you need to work on more or was this an isolated incident that was related to being in a different environment? There’s likely not much you could have done differently at that time, but it’s important to think about this as you navigate new situations. If it’s an issue all around then find a way to work on it starting at home and then in public but in more accepting social situations like a SN play group or a SN summer camp with a 1:1, for example. Accepting changes to the routine/being told no is something people with ASD often struggle with. It’s time consuming and difficult at times to address, but not something that’s impossible to overcome (most of the time) if you work on it directly and systematically.

[Anonymous]

You can't control others. What may seem like "magic words" won't work in every situation with every person. I'd go with, "I'm handling this. You won't be able to help." Then ignore them.

You can't talk your child out of a meltdown. As your child gets larger you will be able to physically control her less. Work with her therapist for techniques, she knows you & your child.

[Anonymous]

Thanks but that’s not helpful.” And ignore.