Why does this bother me so much? “Fairness”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s wild to me that people are trying to shame the OP.

It’s wild to me that anyone thinks a DIL counting a SIL’s gifts is justified! They aren’t even OP’s parents!!!

The ILs are giving nothing to their son. Nothing. So that impacts OP because her household budget could be improved if the parents were treating their kids fairly.

They are treating their kids fairly in their mind and with their earned money. OP must be from a poor family. Why can't her parents pay for her, like her ILs are paying for their daughter.

OP’s SIL is here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they just like her more. Sounds like it must be that because otherwise this is whack. And so are all the weirdos in here defending this.

This thread has triggered a lot of moochers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not saying this is right or wrong, but from their perspective they are giving the younger sibling something to create a more equal outcome. You and your DH have a marriage, a child, a house, two careers, and another set of relatives. SIL has nothing but them from their perspective so giving her a small condo and vacations doesn’t appear to be so extravagant. They could sell her condo and give you the money to remodel your kitchen or cancel her vacations and send money your way but then the inequity of your outcomes becomes even wider.

THIS.

However the OP is a POS human so she cannot understand all this. She is greedy lowbred trailer trash. Her parents need to step up and give her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s wild to me that people are trying to shame the OP.

It’s wild to me that anyone thinks a DIL counting a SIL’s gifts is justified! They aren’t even OP’s parents!!!

The ILs are giving nothing to their son. Nothing. So that impacts OP because her household budget could be improved if the parents were treating their kids fairly.

OP should get a job.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you White?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not saying this is right or wrong, but from their perspective they are giving the younger sibling something to create a more equal outcome. You and your DH have a marriage, a child, a house, two careers, and another set of relatives. SIL has nothing but them from their perspective so giving her a small condo and vacations doesn’t appear to be so extravagant. They could sell her condo and give you the money to remodel your kitchen or cancel her vacations and send money your way but then the inequity of your outcomes becomes even wider.

+1 to this. It isn't "fair", life is not fair. Why do you have to compare? Is your own life good? Focus on that. You wouldn't want to trade places with her, would you?

My parents have helped one of my siblings much more than they helped me, and I could not care less. I'm glad I was able to find my own way without extra help. I don't care how long their help goes on. As adults, my relationship with them is not about financials.

[Anonymous]

DIL wants ILs money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm![b]

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

As a first gen of immigrants, your sense of entitlement and lack of awareness of your privilege annoyed me.

But the part where you downplay and minimize your Sil's mental health condition and equate your depression and anxiety with her level shows an astounding lack of empathy abd compassion. I hope you're just a troll, trying to rile up people with your references to social media and travel.

If you're not a troll:
In my culture, daughters are considered dependents until they are married and have a DH to care for them. Yes it's terribly sexist. But this could be how your ILs see the situation.
Get assessed to see if you really do have clinical depression or anxiety.
Try to become more grateful for what you have.
Try compassion-based meditation.
Above all, get off social media. You're jealous of SIL. Yes, that is the unfortunate consequence of social media.

It sounds more to me that you miss your fun, free childless life. Now life is more serious and the daily toll of parenthood is weighing on you.
The first 5 years are tough. Stop focusing on how life is unfair, blaming your ILs for your resentment.
Figure out how to lose your resentment of how becoming a parent has taken away your fun spontaneous life and saddled you with monotony and the daily grind.

And get off social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the ILs are hoping that somewhere in her travels, SIL will find a nice, rich man who will give her a similar lifestyle and then they’ll be off the hook. It’s probably harder to find a rich DH if she’s just living on minimum wage and can’t afford to go anywhere.

Have a little compassion for your ILs, OP. If one of your own children grows up and has special needs, I doubt that you’d cut off all funding immediately on their 18th birthday and let them sink or swim all on their own, without feeling you should try to help.

This is your DH’s family. Let him handle his relationship with his family and stay out of their business. Go ask your own parents for money so you can travel.

SIL is milking it. She can live alone in NYC and travel internationally multiple times a year, but can't hold a job? It's called laziness and being coddled all her life.

+1

Your SIL is my SIL, OP. We have to sit back and watch this sh*t? No, I don't think so.

Yes, you do. You have no power over how anyone else spends their money. Feel free to use the handy dandy social media block button if it gets your knickers in such a twist.

-homeowner and parent, whose own parents have never given me a dime as an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have the same dynamic in my husband's family. They bought his sister a car and paid for the insurance until she got married in her mid 30s. They STILL pay for her cell phone. They take her out to dinner at fancy restaurants for her birthday and they have us over for spaghetti at their house on my husband's birthday. This has been the same since before we had kids. She sends them a Christmas list and they send her whatever presents she asks for. And yes, she is a world traveler with an Insta.
Once I said to FIL "Isn't it time you cut the cord? What are you paying for her stuff for?" and he said "Your daughter is your princess. You don't have a daughter so you can't understand." BARF

I can’t believe you talked to in laws like that. Of all the responses back, you FIL’s seems the most polite. I would have said STFU and MYOB.

[Anonymous]

OP, that would really bother me too. I’d severely limit access to the grandchild and make lots of passive aggressive comments, but I’m petty like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DIL wants ILs money.

DIL is rightfully wondering why her husband isn't treated the same as the SIL. She's not saying any of this out loud, she's not causing drama, she's literally just noticing the unequal treatment between two and feels hurt for her spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not saying this is right or wrong, but from their perspective they are giving the younger sibling something to create a more equal outcome. You and your DH have a marriage, a child, a house, two careers, and another set of relatives. SIL has nothing but them from their perspective so giving her a small condo and vacations doesn’t appear to be so extravagant. They could sell her condo and give you the money to remodel your kitchen or cancel her vacations and send money your way but then the inequity of your outcomes becomes even wider.

If this is true, then where is the incentive for the SIL to better herself and achieve something? Why shouldn't she try and get a job?

OP and her spouse have two careers and a house because they made an effort and WORKED for it.
SIL is just a lazy moocher. The inlaws are doormats.

Team DIL here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm![b]

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

As a first gen of immigrants, your sense of entitlement and lack of awareness of your privilege annoyed me.

But the part where you downplay and minimize your Sil's mental health condition and equate your depression and anxiety with her level shows an astounding lack of empathy abd compassion. I hope you're just a troll, trying to rile up people with your references to social media and travel.

If you're not a troll:
In my culture, daughters are considered dependents until they are married and have a DH to care for them. Yes it's terribly sexist. But this could be how your ILs see the situation.
Get assessed to see if you really do have clinical depression or anxiety.
Try to become more grateful for what you have.
Try compassion-based meditation.
Above all, get off social media. You're jealous of SIL. Yes, that is the unfortunate consequence of social media.

It sounds more to me that you miss your fun, free childless life. Now life is more serious and the daily toll of parenthood is weighing on you.
The first 5 years are tough. Stop focusing on how life is unfair, blaming your ILs for your resentment.
Figure out how to lose your resentment of how becoming a parent has taken away your fun spontaneous life and saddled you with monotony and the daily grind.

And get off social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same dynamic in my husband's family. They bought his sister a car and paid for the insurance until she got married in her mid 30s. They STILL pay for her cell phone. They take her out to dinner at fancy restaurants for her birthday and they have us over for spaghetti at their house on my husband's birthday. This has been the same since before we had kids. She sends them a Christmas list and they send her whatever presents she asks for. And yes, she is a world traveler with an Insta.
Once I said to FIL "Isn't it time you cut the cord? What are you paying for her stuff for?" and he said "Your daughter is your princess. You don't have a daughter so you can't understand." BARF

I can’t believe you talked to in laws like that. Of all the responses back, you FIL’s seems the most polite. I would have said STFU and MYOB.

The craziest part is it’s not even about fairness in the sense of