Why does this bother me so much? “Fairness”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

It rightly bothers you b/c your inlaws are jerks. It is unfair. I'd be annoyed too and it would affect my relationship with them. Period.

+1

I guess I’m petty because if I were OP, these people wouldn’t be seeing their grandkid much. My parents would be *the* favored grandparents for all holidays and birthdays. But hey. That shouldn’t be a problem to them because they don’t care about equality, right?!

Same. Anyone who is not a doormat would feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

It rightly bothers you b/c your inlaws are jerks. It is unfair. I'd be annoyed too and it would affect my relationship with them. Period.

+1

I guess I’m petty because if I were OP, these people wouldn’t be seeing their grandkid much. My parents would be *the* favored grandparents for all holidays and birthdays. But hey. That shouldn’t be a problem to them because they don’t care about equality, right?!

Same. Anyone who is not a doormat would feel this way.

What if the jerk grandparent is your kid's only grandparent?

What if that same jerk grandparent favors people who haven't even married in yet, just to stick it to other grandkids in the family - someone who marries in is not a blood grandkid - not by any stretch of the imagination.

[Anonymous]

Instead of trying to stop being jealous/upset, spend your time making sure your DH knows that when in-laws spend all their money on sil, that you will not be financially supporting them or her. This situation is going to suck as your in laws age. Your DH is going to be the one they expect to take care of them. Your Sil will not do anything to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

It rightly bothers you b/c your inlaws are jerks. It is unfair. I'd be annoyed too and it would affect my relationship with them. Period.

+1

I guess I’m petty because if I were OP, these people wouldn’t be seeing their grandkid much. My parents would be *the* favored grandparents for all holidays and birthdays. But hey. That shouldn’t be a problem to them because they don’t care about equality, right?!

Same. Anyone who is not a doormat would feel this way.

So OP’s husband is a doormat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

It rightly bothers you b/c your inlaws are jerks. It is unfair. I'd be annoyed too and it would affect my relationship with them. Period.

+1

I guess I’m petty because if I were OP, these people wouldn’t be seeing their grandkid much. My parents would be *the* favored grandparents for all holidays and birthdays. But hey. That shouldn’t be a problem to them because they don’t care about equality, right?!

Same. Anyone who is not a doormat would feel this way.

Same, that would be my petty response. In my head it would be a clear «  Oh, you don’t want to invest in our family and prefer the other side? Ok, we will do the same ». Obviously with only passive aggressive hints about it. Because I am petty like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

It rightly bothers you b/c your inlaws are jerks. It is unfair. I'd be annoyed too and it would affect my relationship with them. Period.

+1

I guess I’m petty because if I were OP, these people wouldn’t be seeing their grandkid much. My parents would be *the* favored grandparents for all holidays and birthdays. But hey. That shouldn’t be a problem to them because they don’t care about equality, right?!

Same. Anyone who is not a doormat would feel this way.

So OP’s husband is a doormat?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the whole thread, but some families expect the sons to be able to provide for themselves while the daughters can be financially supported if they're single.