Why does this bother me so much? “Fairness”

[Anonymous]

The only solution I've found to unfairness with my In-laws is to block their social media feeds. In real life, the truth and struggle reveals itself. but through the filter of social media they make it all look perfect.

[Anonymous]

Like others pointed out, it sounds like the ILs treat the different genders differently. Boys are expected to be self sufficient, and especially if they have their own family. They’ll probably support your SIL financially until she gets married. Annoying, I know, but it’s their money.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the ILs are hoping that somewhere in her travels, SIL will find a nice, rich man who will give her a similar lifestyle and then they’ll be off the hook. It’s probably harder to find a rich DH if she’s just living on minimum wage and can’t afford to go anywhere.

Have a little compassion for your ILs, OP. If one of your own children grows up and has special needs, I doubt that you’d cut off all funding immediately on their 18th birthday and let them sink or swim all on their own, without feeling you should try to help.

This is your DH’s family. Let him handle his relationship with his family and stay out of their business. Go ask your own parents for money so you can travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the ILs are hoping that somewhere in her travels, SIL will find a nice, rich man who will give her a similar lifestyle and then they’ll be off the hook. It’s probably harder to find a rich DH if she’s just living on minimum wage and can’t afford to go anywhere.

Have a little compassion for your ILs, OP. If one of your own children grows up and has special needs, I doubt that you’d cut off all funding immediately on their 18th birthday and let them sink or swim all on their own, without feeling you should try to help.

This is your DH’s family. Let him handle his relationship with his family and stay out of their business. Go ask your own parents for money so you can travel.

SIL is milking it. She can live alone in NYC and travel internationally multiple times a year, but can't hold a job? It's called laziness and being coddled all her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent I have no intention of treating my children equally. I don’t know why people are obsessed with this. My brother is sort of a screw up and needs more help from our parents. I’m not and I take pride in it. It would be so freaking weird if my parents venmo’d me $20 every time they did it for him.

+1

People need different things at different times. I owe my kids a secure and stable environment from which to launch them into the world as able bodied (and minded) as they can be. But what happens after that is up to me and DH and I don’t expect each kid to need the exact same thing as the other. I hope they love and respect each other and me enough to understand that.

So you would provide your kid with muliple overseas, all-expenses-paid vacations every year? And enable them to not have a job by paying their way in life? And buying them a $1m+ apartment? All while providing nothing to your other kid?

Probably not. But what I said is that I am not hell bent on treating my kids equally. They are more likely to need different things. There are light years between that and OP’s SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are insufferable OP.

Unless you have been actively involved in SIL medical care for her anxiety, you are just guessing. Like everything, there are varying levels of impact due to a medical issue.

And you should understand by now that social media highlights positive stuff. People suffering illness usually don’t post how bad things are. No pictures from 2:48am panic attacks.

She has debilitating anxiety, but can take multiple international trips per year? I call BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent I have no intention of treating my children equally. I don’t know why people are obsessed with this. My brother is sort of a screw up and needs more help from our parents. I’m not and I take pride in it. It would be so freaking weird if my parents venmo’d me $20 every time they did it for him.

+1

People need different things at different times. I owe my kids a secure and stable environment from which to launch them into the world as able bodied (and minded) as they can be. But what happens after that is up to me and DH and I don’t expect each kid to need the exact same thing as the other. I hope they love and respect each other and me enough to understand that.

This is what people who play favorites with their kids tell themselves to justify it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the ILs are hoping that somewhere in her travels, SIL will find a nice, rich man who will give her a similar lifestyle and then they’ll be off the hook. It’s probably harder to find a rich DH if she’s just living on minimum wage and can’t afford to go anywhere.

Have a little compassion for your ILs, OP. If one of your own children grows up and has special needs, I doubt that you’d cut off all funding immediately on their 18th birthday and let them sink or swim all on their own, without feeling you should try to help.

This is your DH’s family. Let him handle his relationship with his family and stay out of their business. Go ask your own parents for money so you can travel.

SIL is milking it. She can live alone in NYC and travel internationally multiple times a year, but can't hold a job? It's called laziness and being coddled all her life.

So how can OP, the daughter-in-law, change this? Do you think her ILs will appreciate her expressing her opinion on the matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

It rightly bothers you b/c your inlaws are jerks. It is unfair. I'd be annoyed too and it would affect my relationship with them. Period.

[Anonymous]

Drop the entitlement They paid for your DH education. It looks like your parents paid for yours too. So you guys started your family with no student loans. You think it's unfair that you have to pay for your 1 child daycare and college savings? Please. Get some perspective. They obviously think that his sister needs help now and that you guys can pull your weight. They are not even your parents, so you should stay out of it.
How do you think people like us do it? Immigrants who took out loans, supported their younger siblings and paid for their education too and now are taking care of their aging parents. We also have our own kids to take care of. And yet we manage and are happy with our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the ILs are hoping that somewhere in her travels, SIL will find a nice, rich man who will give her a similar lifestyle and then they’ll be off the hook. It’s probably harder to find a rich DH if she’s just living on minimum wage and can’t afford to go anywhere.

Have a little compassion for your ILs, OP. If one of your own children grows up and has special needs, I doubt that you’d cut off all funding immediately on their 18th birthday and let them sink or swim all on their own, without feeling you should try to help.

This is your DH’s family. Let him handle his relationship with his family and stay out of their business. Go ask your own parents for money so you can travel.

SIL is milking it. She can live alone in NYC and travel internationally multiple times a year, but can't hold a job? It's called laziness and being coddled all her life.

+1

Your SIL is my SIL, OP. We have to sit back and watch this sh*t? No, I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the entitlement They paid for your DH education. It looks like your parents paid for yours too. So you guys started your family with no student loans. You think it's unfair that you have to pay for your 1 child daycare and college savings? Please. Get some perspective. They obviously think that his sister needs help now and that you guys can pull your weight. They are not even your parents, so you should stay out of it.
How do you think people like us do it? Immigrants who took out loans, supported their younger siblings and paid for their education too and now are taking care of their aging parents. We also have our own kids to take care of. And yet we manage and are happy with our lives.

+1

Preach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are insufferable OP.

Unless you have been actively involved in SIL medical care for her anxiety, you are just guessing. Like everything, there are varying levels of impact due to a medical issue.

And you should understand by now that social media highlights positive stuff. People suffering illness usually don’t post how bad things are. No pictures from 2:48am panic attacks.

She has debilitating anxiety, but can take multiple international trips per year? I call BS.

+1

Eff that noise. GF used to being enabled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

It rightly bothers you b/c your inlaws are jerks. It is unfair. I'd be annoyed too and it would affect my relationship with them. Period.

Okay, just don’t be surprised if they change their will to reflect the new status of your relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Not saying this is right or wrong, but from their perspective they are giving the younger sibling something to create a more equal outcome. You and your DH have a marriage, a child, a house, two careers, and another set of relatives. SIL has nothing but them from their perspective so giving her a small condo and vacations doesn’t appear to be so extravagant. They could sell her condo and give you the money to remodel your kitchen or cancel her vacations and send money your way but then the inequity of your outcomes becomes even wider.