Why does this bother me so much? “Fairness”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying this is right or wrong, but from their perspective they are giving the younger sibling something to create a more equal outcome. You and your DH have a marriage, a child, a house, two careers, and another set of relatives. SIL has nothing but them from their perspective so giving her a small condo and vacations doesn’t appear to be so extravagant. They could sell her condo and give you the money to remodel your kitchen or cancel her vacations and send money your way but then the inequity of your outcomes becomes even wider.

THIS.

However the OP is a POS human so she cannot understand all this. She is greedy lowbred trailer trash. Her parents need to step up and give her money.

Not even close. SIL is a moocher milking her "mental illness" that somehow prevents her from stable jobs and caring for herself. But, somehow can manage a fancy home and international vacations? That's quite a gig she's managed for herself and OP is right to be annoyed.

But, I mainly came to respond to the PP, who had a ridiculously obnoxious reaction to OP's post. PP, you may want to look in the mirror before calling someone lowbred trailer trash or a POS. There is NO WAY you would say that to someone's face, proving there is one POS here. But it's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same dynamic in my husband's family. They bought his sister a car and paid for the insurance until she got married in her mid 30s. They STILL pay for her cell phone. They take her out to dinner at fancy restaurants for her birthday and they have us over for spaghetti at their house on my husband's birthday. This has been the same since before we had kids. She sends them a Christmas list and they send her whatever presents she asks for. And yes, she is a world traveler with an Insta.
Once I said to FIL "Isn't it time you cut the cord? What are you paying for her stuff for?" and he said "Your daughter is your princess. You don't have a daughter so you can't understand." BARF

I can’t believe you talked to in laws like that. Of all the responses back, you FIL’s seems the most polite. I would have said STFU and MYOB.

The craziest part is it’s not even about fairness in the sense of

* wanting to get the same perks. PP just doesn’t want her SIL to get treated like that! So pathetic.

Well I'm the PP and I'll give you the context. We were in the hospital after I gave birth. SIL and I were both 29 at the time. FIL was there visiting and said "Kids are expensive , blah blah. I just had to buy your little sister a new iPhone when she broke hers! That's what you two have in your future." And I responded with the above, from the hospital bed, exhausted. Yes I was a little rude.

[Anonymous]

Instead of jealousy you should be glad that you are capable of caring for yourself.

Your SIL is 30 years old and totally dependent on her parents because they have enabled her.

Hopefully your in-laws have set aside a nice sum of money for her care when they become old or pass on otherwise you and DH will inherit another child

[Anonymous]

My husband has a similar family dynamic. He is from a well off family. He is a teacher and the only sibling that works. His older brother is kind of a stay at home dad. He has a Ph.D. in an obscure subject and his wife is an attorney. He teaches one class at a community college. His kids are school aged and go to before and after care, paid by the in-laws. The in-laws bought them a house in Texas when SIL was in law school and BIL was in grad school. They bought them a house in VA when they moved back to the DMV even though SIL already owned a three bedroom condo. They bought them a nice van and SUV and pay for all my niece and nephews' summer camps and private school tuition. BIL is home all day, not teaching any classes. My grandmother in law pays for a house cleaner, yard service and laundry service plus meal delivery service.

SIL is also a "SAHP". I say this in quotes because her kids are in high school. She got married the day after graduation. She and her husband lived in Europe for years. In-laws bought them a house in PA and a flat in London. When SiL was in London, in-laws paid for a full-time nanny, a full-time housekeper and a full-time driver.

DH has always been independent. Each year, he gets a big check from his grandmother, but his siblings don't. It's because their grandmother paid for their cars, furniture, student loans and DH had a track scholarship and didn't have any debt and bought his own car. DH shakes it off. He is the middle child and thinks his siblings are entitled. His parents are starting to deteroriate health-wise so this has been eye opening for his siblings. Their siblings have spouses with good well paying jobs.

Short story to my long post: I'd stay out of it. It's your in-laws money and they can do with it what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a similar family dynamic. He is from a well off family. He is a teacher and the only sibling that works. His older brother is kind of a stay at home dad. He has a Ph.D. in an obscure subject and his wife is an attorney. He teaches one class at a community college. His kids are school aged and go to before and after care, paid by the in-laws. The in-laws bought them a house in Texas when SIL was in law school and BIL was in grad school. They bought them a house in VA when they moved back to the DMV even though SIL already owned a three bedroom condo. They bought them a nice van and SUV and pay for all my niece and nephews' summer camps and private school tuition. BIL is home all day, not teaching any classes. My grandmother in law pays for a house cleaner, yard service and laundry service plus meal delivery service.

SIL is also a "SAHP". I say this in quotes because her kids are in high school. She got married the day after graduation. She and her husband lived in Europe for years. In-laws bought them a house in PA and a flat in London. When SiL was in London, in-laws paid for a full-time nanny, a full-time housekeper and a full-time driver.

DH has always been independent. Each year, he gets a big check from his grandmother, but his siblings don't. It's because their grandmother paid for their cars, furniture, student loans and DH had a track scholarship and didn't have any debt and bought his own car. DH shakes it off. He is the middle child and thinks his siblings are entitled. His parents are starting to deteroriate health-wise so this has been eye opening for his siblings. Their siblings have spouses with good well paying jobs.

Short story to my long post: I'd stay out of it. It's your in-laws money and they can do with it what they want.

That check from grandma is probably huge, otherwise you would DEFINITELY not be "staying out of it." Ha!

[Anonymous]

In my next life, I'm going to be a rich family's f$$ed up kid. Y'all get ALL the perks - phones, cars, houses, and most importantly, endless amounts of slack and forgiveness!

[Anonymous]

This post has really brought out the trolls unfortunately.
Time to move on. Bye!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of jealousy you should be glad that you are capable of caring for yourself.

Your SIL is 30 years old and totally dependent on her parents because they have enabled her.

Hopefully your in-laws have set aside a nice sum of money for her care when they become old or pass on otherwise you and DH will inherit another child

Yup I'd be worried about that OP....

[Anonymous]

It's ok to feel upset OP. I know my DH has some jealousy for how generous with their TIME ILs have been to his sister compared to him. They tend to be fair with how they give monetary gifts, but due to proximity they spend a lot more time with SIL and her family, including babysitting their kids on multiple occasions when SIL/BIL go out of town. They will drive 2 hrs each way every week to watch nephew's HS soccer games but when DH invites them to our DC's birthday, a 2hr flight to DC is somehow too stressful (they're retired and have plenty of money). I think they have this old-fashioned attitude that parents are supposed to be closer to their daughter and her kids than the son. Which is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy since they make such little effort to spend time with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of jealousy you should be glad that you are capable of caring for yourself.

Your SIL is 30 years old and totally dependent on her parents because they have enabled her.

Hopefully your in-laws have set aside a nice sum of money for her care when they become old or pass on otherwise you and DH will inherit another child

Yup I'd be worried about that OP....

Not a chance.

[Anonymous]

I get it - your head knows that comparing and such are pointless, but your heart says something different.

In the end, it never works out. My SIL also is a princess and DH has had to go it alone. We are years beyond you and here’s what it looks like - DH and his sister have a cordial relationship but there’s no bond. They probably won’t speak much once their parents are gone. I’m kind and polite but initiate nothing. Our 20-something children have very little relationship with their aunt and grandparents. They can see the favoritism and it’s soured their impressions of the family. As my in-laws age we’ll have nothing to offer them and will be working too hard making up our own expenses to provide any care. SIL is up their butts so she’ll have to deal with them. They are reaping what they’ve sown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would they not do the same for your DH if he was a mess and could not hold a job? What are they supposed to do? Let her be homeless?

Oh come on. International vacations, a million dollar apartment and clothing has nothing to do with fighting homelessness.

We only know that from the OP's mouth. For all we know, SIL pays for much of it or has some rich friend. I do not trust people like op; they tend to see only one side. And if SIL has anxiety, how is she going on so many trips?
Plus, my DS has anxiety, and you might think we pay for most of his trips; he was just skiing in Vail. He works, and he saved money for it. He did stay in our condo (not in Vail). Who knows who is badmouthing my young adult for this trip? Am I to forbid my child and his friends from using my vacation condo? My DD was in Europe and swimming in my parent's pool at the house that looks like a resort. What are people saying about her, then?
She works at a youth soccer club in PG county while in college. OP sees one side of the story, and she created some fairy tale, evil sister-in-law. If her ILS can afford a million-dollar condo, she will get her share; she wants it now.
Who knows how much ILS bought her DH before he was married? Maybe they told him not to marry op and are pissed that he did, and her colors are showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

It rightly bothers you b/c your inlaws are jerks. It is unfair. I'd be annoyed too and it would affect my relationship with them. Period.

+1

I guess I’m petty because if I were OP, these people wouldn’t be seeing their grandkid much. My parents would be *the* favored grandparents for all holidays and birthdays. But hey. That shouldn’t be a problem to them because they don’t care about equality, right?!

[Anonymous]

Where are your parents? How much money are they giving you?

[Anonymous]

The expectation may be that she returns to look after them when they can no longer look after themselves. Should that happen, all the money spent will be worth it.