Why does this bother me so much? “Fairness”

[Anonymous]

Same story here with my SIL. It totally just sucks and is annoying. I know it’s not my money so I just have to suck it up, but not sure how parents feel good about doing this. I am making a concentrated effort to divide finances equally with my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should hide your SIL's feed. You shouldn't have had a baby if you weren't fully prepared to fully support it. What people choose to do for some is none of your business. Tons of people go through periods of time when they can't afford fancy trips to Italy, or even ever go to Italy.

We can afford to have a baby and our house, we just can’t afford international travel on top of those things right now. Maybe when daycare gets a little less expensive. It just sucks to see my SIL going on 3 of my dream trips a year plus living in an expensive city without roommates and not having to work for any of it. Cause she has anxiety which surveys say ~ 80% of the population has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should hide your SIL's feed. You shouldn't have had a baby if you weren't fully prepared to fully support it. What people choose to do for some is none of your business. Tons of people go through periods of time when they can't afford fancy trips to Italy, or even ever go to Italy.

We can afford to have a baby and our house, we just can’t afford international travel on top of those things right now. Maybe when daycare gets a little less expensive. It just sucks to see my SIL going on 3 of my dream trips a year plus living in an expensive city without roommates and not having to work for any of it. Cause she has anxiety which surveys say ~ 80% of the population has.

You need to own your choices. Three international trips and a Manhattan apartment does not replace having a loving marriage, home and baby. It just doesn't come close.

[Anonymous]

Why does the apartment have to be in one of the most expensive cities? Do the parents live in Manhattan too?
It’s really beyond just giving her a hand. They’re giving her a luxury lifestyle!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is that incapable of holding down a job that will allow her to support herself, there is a good chance she has something going on that is interfering with her ability to function at the same level your husband does. Your in-laws may be giving her more support because they are truly concerned she cannot take care of herself, and/or may feel some guilt that they did not give her what she needed growing up to help her gain the ability to take care of herself.

If any of this were true, she wouldn't be living on her own in an apartment in NYC or traveling alone internationally. She's a mouch and her parents are dumb enough to buy "anxiety" as a reason to not work.

This would bother me too OP, but I would look at it this way. SIL can be entirely responsible for taking care of the elderly parents since she literally has nothing else to do. And once she blows thru the inheritance she will have to figure out how to adult as she won't be your problem

[Anonymous]

As a parent I have no intention of treating my children equally. I don’t know why people are obsessed with this. My brother is sort of a screw up and needs more help from our parents. I’m not and I take pride in it. It would be so freaking weird if my parents venmo’d me $20 every time they did it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is that incapable of holding down a job that will allow her to support herself, there is a good chance she has something going on that is interfering with her ability to function at the same level your husband does. Your in-laws may be giving her more support because they are truly concerned she cannot take care of herself, and/or may feel some guilt that they did not give her what she needed growing up to help her gain the ability to take care of herself.

If any of this were true, she wouldn't be living on her own in an apartment in NYC or traveling alone internationally. She's a mouch and her parents are dumb enough to buy "anxiety" as a reason to not work.

This would bother me too OP, but I would look at it this way. SIL can be entirely responsible for taking care of the elderly parents since she literally has nothing else to do. And once she blows thru the inheritance she will have to figure out how to adult as she won't be your problem

Oh don’t worry, someone like this SIL will come up with a good excuse not to have to take care of the elderly parents either. Too much anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should hide your SIL's feed. You shouldn't have had a baby if you weren't fully prepared to fully support it. What people choose to do for some is none of your business. Tons of people go through periods of time when they can't afford fancy trips to Italy, or even ever go to Italy.

We can afford to have a baby and our house, we just can’t afford international travel on top of those things right now. Maybe when daycare gets a little less expensive. It just sucks to see my SIL going on 3 of my dream trips a year plus living in an expensive city without roommates and not having to work for any of it. Cause she has anxiety which surveys say ~ 80% of the population has.

You are simplifying her situation because you are feeling confined by your choices. You could also be single, living in an expensive city and traveling. Most of us cannot have a child, home and travel internationally. Don't have any more children if you can't see the big picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If SIL is that incapable of holding down a job that will allow her to support herself, there is a good chance she has something going on that is interfering with her ability to function at the same level your husband does. Your in-laws may be giving her more support because they are truly concerned she cannot take care of herself, and/or may feel some guilt that they did not give her what she needed growing up to help her gain the ability to take care of herself.

If any of this were true, she wouldn't be living on her own in an apartment in NYC or traveling alone internationally. She's a mouch and her parents are dumb enough to buy "anxiety" as a reason to not work.

This would bother me too OP, but I would look at it this way. SIL can be entirely responsible for taking care of the elderly parents since she literally has nothing else to do. And once she blows thru the inheritance she will have to figure out how to adult as she won't be your problem

Oh don’t worry, someone like this SIL will come up with a good excuse not to have to take care of the elderly parents either. Too much anxiety.

Or she will live with them and not do everything for them that a more mentally competent person would do.

[Anonymous]

If you really and truly think it’s fair and reasonable to ask your in-laws to pay for your family trip to Italy, have DH ask. Just ask.

If that feels shameful lean into the shame and get your head on straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should hide your SIL's feed. You shouldn't have had a baby if you weren't fully prepared to fully support it. What people choose to do for some is none of your business. Tons of people go through periods of time when they can't afford fancy trips to Italy, or even ever go to Italy.

We can afford to have a baby and our house, we just can’t afford international travel on top of those things right now. Maybe when daycare gets a little less expensive. It just sucks to see my SIL going on 3 of my dream trips a year plus living in an expensive city without roommates and not having to work for any of it. Cause she has anxiety which surveys say ~ 80% of the population has.

Maybe hers is worse than that 80%. You don't know. Where will your jealousy end? Say you got the trips too - would you still be bitter the inlaws aren't paying for your daycare? For nice jewelry? For house construction? Would you then turn your attention to a coworker who has a second home? A friend who gets a car you admire? Where does it stop for you? Focus on what you have. Be proud you can provide for yourself, and be grateful for what you are given as a gift. HIDE HER FEED.

[Anonymous]

I have two siblings with debilitating anxiety and problems with executive functioning. They still live at home in their 50s because they cannot afford to live independently because their mental issues cause them to make poor decisions and lose employment and relationships. They are intelligent and kind people but terribly bad at managing their finances and lives. If my parents were loaded like your ILs, you can bet they would have my siblings in their own apartments with funded checking accounts. Instead, everyone lives together like a bad sitcom where everyone stagnates in place. Pity your ILs and your SIL. It is not living your best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should hide your SIL's feed. You shouldn't have had a baby if you weren't fully prepared to fully support it. What people choose to do for some is none of your business. Tons of people go through periods of time when they can't afford fancy trips to Italy, or even ever go to Italy.

We can afford to have a baby and our house, we just can’t afford international travel on top of those things right now. Maybe when daycare gets a little less expensive. It just sucks to see my SIL going on 3 of my dream trips a year plus living in an expensive city without roommates and not having to work for any of it. Cause she has anxiety which surveys say ~ 80% of the population has.

You need to own your choices. Three international trips and a Manhattan apartment does not replace having a loving marriage, home and baby. It just doesn't come close.

even if you could swap lives -- 100% -- I'm sure OP would stick with DH & baby. You can't pick and choose, you don't want everything SIL has, so be happy with what you have. Remind yourself if you must that you don't want to be living alone, with no partner or job prospects, being supported by a parent. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent I have no intention of treating my children equally. I don’t know why people are obsessed with this. My brother is sort of a screw up and needs more help from our parents. I’m not and I take pride in it. It would be so freaking weird if my parents venmo’d me $20 every time they did it for him.

Why would you NOT treat your children equally?

And why should your brother 'NEED' more help from your parents? If he is a screw up then that's on him. Do your parents think this is acceptable? Are they proud of him for screwing up?

If parents keep financing the adult child who puts in the least effort to make something of their life (if said child is sufficiently physically and mentally equipped), then there is no incentive for the child to better themselves.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s very natural to feel bothered by it.
Do you think she is just better at asking for things than your DH? I know he may not want to ask in order not to experience rejection but I am pretty sure she has no qualms about asking