Why does this bother me so much? “Fairness”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same dynamic in my husband's family. They bought his sister a car and paid for the insurance until she got married in her mid 30s. They STILL pay for her cell phone. They take her out to dinner at fancy restaurants for her birthday and they have us over for spaghetti at their house on my husband's birthday. This has been the same since before we had kids. She sends them a Christmas list and they send her whatever presents she asks for. And yes, she is a world traveler with an Insta.
Once I said to FIL "Isn't it time you cut the cord? What are you paying for her stuff for?" and he said "Your daughter is your princess. You don't have a daughter so you can't understand." BARF

I can’t believe you talked to in laws like that. Of all the responses back, you FIL’s seems the most polite. I would have said STFU and MYOB.

The craziest part is it’s not even about fairness in the sense of

* wanting to get the same perks. PP just doesn’t want her SIL to get treated like that! So pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DIL wants ILs money.

DIL is rightfully wondering why her husband isn't treated the same as the SIL. She's not saying any of this out loud, she's not causing drama, she's literally just noticing the unequal treatment between two and feels hurt for her spouse.

BS. She’s not hurt for her spouse. She is sad for her domestic-vacationing self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same dynamic in my husband's family. They bought his sister a car and paid for the insurance until she got married in her mid 30s. They STILL pay for her cell phone. They take her out to dinner at fancy restaurants for her birthday and they have us over for spaghetti at their house on my husband's birthday. This has been the same since before we had kids. She sends them a Christmas list and they send her whatever presents she asks for. And yes, she is a world traveler with an Insta.
Once I said to FIL "Isn't it time you cut the cord? What are you paying for her stuff for?" and he said "Your daughter is your princess. You don't have a daughter so you can't understand." BARF

I can’t believe you talked to in laws like that. Of all the responses back, you FIL’s seems the most polite. I would have said STFU and MYOB.

The craziest part is it’s not even about fairness in the sense of

It is about fairness. What in-laws are doing is objectively unfair. “Equity” and “equal outcomes” are just BS political speak. It’s not actually equal to fairness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same dynamic in my husband's family. They bought his sister a car and paid for the insurance until she got married in her mid 30s. They STILL pay for her cell phone. They take her out to dinner at fancy restaurants for her birthday and they have us over for spaghetti at their house on my husband's birthday. This has been the same since before we had kids. She sends them a Christmas list and they send her whatever presents she asks for. And yes, she is a world traveler with an Insta.
Once I said to FIL "Isn't it time you cut the cord? What are you paying for her stuff for?" and he said "Your daughter is your princess. You don't have a daughter so you can't understand." BARF

I can’t believe you talked to in laws like that. Of all the responses back, you FIL’s seems the most polite. I would have said STFU and MYOB.

The craziest part is it’s not even about fairness in the sense of

It is about fairness. What in-laws are doing is objectively unfair. “Equity” and “equal outcomes” are just BS political speak. It’s not actually equal to fairness.

Sorry I hit post too soon. My full post was that, PP doesn’t want fairness in the sense of having the same kinds of birthday dinners for both kids. She just wants her SIL to NOT get it. Which is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

OP this would bother me a lot too. I don’t know what more can be done other than to limit your interactions to where it upsets you less, but it’s definitely wrong to so blatantly treat siblings differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s wild to me that people are trying to shame the OP.

+1. Don’t fall for it, OP. Your feelings, although there’s nothing to be done about it, are perfectly natural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent I have no intention of treating my children equally. I don’t know why people are obsessed with this. My brother is sort of a screw up and needs more help from our parents. I’m not and I take pride in it. It would be so freaking weird if my parents venmo’d me $20 every time they did it for him.

+1

People need different things at different times. I owe my kids a secure and stable environment from which to launch them into the world as able bodied (and minded) as they can be. But what happens after that is up to me and DH and I don’t expect each kid to need the exact same thing as the other. I hope they love and respect each other and me enough to understand that.

This is what people who play favorites with their kids tell themselves to justify it.

Agree, and it creates a very toxic dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same dynamic in my husband's family. They bought his sister a car and paid for the insurance until she got married in her mid 30s. They STILL pay for her cell phone. They take her out to dinner at fancy restaurants for her birthday and they have us over for spaghetti at their house on my husband's birthday. This has been the same since before we had kids. She sends them a Christmas list and they send her whatever presents she asks for. And yes, she is a world traveler with an Insta.
Once I said to FIL "Isn't it time you cut the cord? What are you paying for her stuff for?" and he said "Your daughter is your princess. You don't have a daughter so you can't understand." BARF

I can’t believe you talked to in laws like that. Of all the responses back, you FIL’s seems the most polite. I would have said STFU and MYOB.

The craziest part is it’s not even about fairness in the sense of

It is about fairness. What in-laws are doing is objectively unfair. “Equity” and “equal outcomes” are just BS political speak. It’s not actually equal to fairness.

Sorry I hit post too soon. My full post was that, PP doesn’t want fairness in the sense of having the same kinds of birthday dinners for both kids. She just wants her SIL to NOT get it. Which is pathetic.

Because, in OP's mind, SIL doesn't deserve the apartment and the vacations to Italy. She doesn't deserve to get these things for free without having worked for them.
OP and her spouse WORK, whereas SIL just holds out her hand and gets whatever she wants. The parents are enablers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s wild to me that people are trying to shame the OP.

+1. Don’t fall for it, OP. Your feelings, although there’s nothing to be done about it, are perfectly natural.

Agree. These posters claiming otherwise are delusional. Of course it’s annoying to you. Sure. The next step is how you deal with it- which you can do.

Try to practice not reacting to the feeling. Sure you have them, notice it and it will pass along. Be mindful about it. You can’t will these feelings away with logic. It just doesn’t work that way. But you can control and manage what you can - have the feeling don’t react and simmer in it.

[Anonymous]

It would bother me too, I'm human, I experience envy and jealousy.

Here's the thing: you really can't control or change this situation, it's outside of your circle of influence. If your husband is ok with it, then you have to let it go. This is his battle to fight.

If it's really eating at you and you are waking up at 5AM obsessing over it, find a therapist. Talk with them, get it out of your system and let it go. You will be happier.

Also: stop following your SIL on instagram or wherever, if you don't see it, it is much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not saying this is right or wrong, but from their perspective they are giving the younger sibling something to create a more equal outcome. You and your DH have a marriage, a child, a house, two careers, and another set of relatives. SIL has nothing but them from their perspective so giving her a small condo and vacations doesn’t appear to be so extravagant. They could sell her condo and give you the money to remodel your kitchen or cancel her vacations and send money your way but then the inequity of your outcomes becomes even wider.

THIS.

However the OP is a POS human so she cannot understand all this. She is greedy lowbred trailer trash. Her parents need to step up and give her money.

Why are you foaming at the mouth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm![b]

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

As a first gen of immigrants, your sense of entitlement and lack of awareness of your privilege annoyed me.

But the part where you downplay and minimize your Sil's mental health condition and equate your depression and anxiety with her level shows an astounding lack of empathy abd compassion. I hope you're just a troll, trying to rile up people with your references to social media and travel.

If you're not a troll:
In my culture, daughters are considered dependents until they are married and have a DH to care for them. Yes it's terribly sexist. But this could be how your ILs see the situation.
Get assessed to see if you really do have clinical depression or anxiety.
Try to become more grateful for what you have.
Try compassion-based meditation.
Above all, get off social media. You're jealous of SIL. Yes, that is the unfortunate consequence of social media.

It sounds more to me that you miss your fun, free childless life. Now life is more serious and the daily toll of parenthood is weighing on you.
The first 5 years are tough. Stop focusing on how life is unfair, blaming your ILs for your resentment.
Figure out how to lose your resentment of how becoming a parent has taken away your fun spontaneous life and saddled you with monotony and the daily grind.

And get off social media.

You’re just projecting.

[Anonymous]

Would they not do the same for your DH if he was a mess and could not hold a job? What are they supposed to do? Let her be homeless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would they not do the same for your DH if he was a mess and could not hold a job? What are they supposed to do? Let her be homeless?

Oh come on. International vacations, a million dollar apartment and clothing has nothing to do with fighting homelessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DIL wants ILs money.

DIL is rightfully wondering why her husband isn't treated the same as the SIL. She's not saying any of this out loud, she's not causing drama, she's literally just noticing the unequal treatment between two and feels hurt for her spouse.

BS. She’s not hurt for her spouse. She is sad for her domestic-vacationing self.

So what?