Why does this bother me so much? “Fairness”

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with my husband for over ten years so I know his family pretty well. His parents are nice, kind people. But it bothers me so much how much they favor his younger sister! For my husband, they paid for his college education and that’s it. We’ve paid for everything else ourselves - wedding, house, cars, daycare, etc. This is fine and normal to me. My family is the same way.

But his parents go overboard on supporting his sister. She has anxiety so she supposedly can’t hold down a normal job. She hasn’t had a “real” job since graduating college and she’s 30. She’s had a couple small retail jobs but nothing that lasts more than a few months. She tried living with roommates but she hates that. So they bought her a million + apartment in Manhattan so she can live alone in a doorman building and not have to pay rent. They give her spending money for clothes and going out and send her on several really nice international vacations every year so she “has something to look forward to.” I watch her Instagram stories and think, “I’d like to go to Italy too!” She routinely takes the kind of trips that take us several mo this to save up for and she’s ne er worked at a real job or made real money.

I’ve always kind of side eyed the dynamic in this family but it’s gotten worse since we had our first baby and are paying over $2k a month for infant care plus our mortgage plus trying to save for DC’s education. We can’t afford to take nice vacations anymore. I don’t expect his parents to pay for our expenses or vacations. Mine don’t either. That’s fine. But I feel really bothered by the fact that they don’t offer my H anything but then turn around support their daughter like a spoiled princess because she has anxiety. I have anxiety too! And depression! Everyone does these days, it’s the norm!

How can I stop feeling like a jealous child who cries over life being unfair? I *know* life is unfair. It just sucks to have a ringside seat to it like this.

[Anonymous]

That would really bother me too, but unfortunately there’s nothing *you* can do. I assume this is entrenched favoritism and any attempt by your husband to discuss would be met with confusion and denial.

Be grateful you’re a normal adult and not living off of your parents. Your SIL is not normal and will not get to live a normal life due to this coddling.

[Anonymous]

It probably bothers you so much because it triggers something inside of you that you don’t feel at peace with. Maybe you are concerned about your financial future, maybe you are tired or even burnt out.

For starters I would mute her Instagram stories and posts. It’s not worth looking at if you know it will get you worked up or in comparison mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It probably bothers you so much because it triggers something inside of you that you don’t feel at peace with. Maybe you are concerned about your financial future, maybe you are tired or even burnt out.

For starters I would mute her Instagram stories and posts. It’s not worth looking at if you know it will get you worked up or in comparison mode.

Just wanted to add it would bother me too. I have an bil I get like this about, but very very different scenario. I don’t try to keep up to date or know what he is up to. I mute his IG etc… when I start to think about the thing that bothers me I shut it down in my head and bring my energy back to me.

[Anonymous]

How does your DH feel about the inequity?

[Anonymous]

Your in laws’ finances and what they spend their money on isn’t your business OP. Just butt out and stay in your own lane.

[Anonymous]

If SIL is that incapable of holding down a job that will allow her to support herself, there is a good chance she has something going on that is interfering with her ability to function at the same level your husband does. Your in-laws may be giving her more support because they are truly concerned she cannot take care of herself, and/or may feel some guilt that they did not give her what she needed growing up to help her gain the ability to take care of herself.

[Anonymous]

Wait until they leave everything to her because they think you guys are set for life.

[Anonymous]

Should we ask for an entitled whiner forum?

None of your business.

Be glad your husband didn’t come with school debt.

Be glad for what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does your DH feel about the inequity?

The trips don’t bother him the same way that they do for me. But I do think he felt a twinge when he heard about the apartment. It was presented as them buying it as an “investment” for the family but in reality, it’s 100% her place that she lives in for free. Since she doesn’t work, they must be paying the taxes and utilities for it. We’ve never stayed there nor been invited to.

[Anonymous]

We have the same dynamic in my husband's family. They bought his sister a car and paid for the insurance until she got married in her mid 30s. They STILL pay for her cell phone. They take her out to dinner at fancy restaurants for her birthday and they have us over for spaghetti at their house on my husband's birthday. This has been the same since before we had kids. She sends them a Christmas list and they send her whatever presents she asks for. And yes, she is a world traveler with an Insta.
Once I said to FIL "Isn't it time you cut the cord? What are you paying for her stuff for?" and he said "Your daughter is your princess. You don't have a daughter so you can't understand." BARF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should we ask for an entitled whiner forum?

None of your business.

Be glad your husband didn’t come with school debt.

Be glad for what you have.

OP here. I do, I am. I want to know how I can stop being bothered and jealous of what they do for her over and above 1000% what they e done for my husband. It makes me feel sad for him, in addition to just being jealous that I’ve never gotten to go to Italy.

[Anonymous]

Looking for fairness is a formula for being unhappy. But I get it.

Try to figure out why this bothers you. Because you didn't/don't get much from your parents? Is your husband upset about it and you're carrying his emotions? Are you overwhelmed right now and maybe need to ask for help for yourself? Something else?

And think about it: its any unhealthy dynamic. Your in-laws have created an adult who can't/won't take care of themselves so that they can enjoy taking care of her. What's going to happen to her after your in-laws die? Will they expect your DH to maintain her? (Maybe something you too should discuss.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking for fairness is a formula for being unhappy. But I get it.

Try to figure out why this bothers you. Because you didn't/don't get much from your parents? Is your husband upset about it and you're carrying his emotions? Are you overwhelmed right now and maybe need to ask for help for yourself? Something else?

And think about it: its any unhealthy dynamic. Your in-laws have created an adult who can't/won't take care of themselves so that they can enjoy taking care of her. What's going to happen to her after your in-laws die? Will they expect your DH to maintain her? (Maybe something you too should discuss.)

Oh god idk. We’ve never talked about it. They’ll probably just leave her every last cent and think we should be appreciative so we don’t have to pay her way.

[Anonymous]

I think you should hide your SIL's feed. You shouldn't have had a baby if you weren't fully prepared to fully support it. What people choose to do for some is none of your business. Tons of people go through periods of time when they can't afford fancy trips to Italy, or even ever go to Italy.