Young AC tells friends that dad is a recovering alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are the "parenting shortcomings" you have conceded to?

Still no answer to this. Hm.

Sorry. OP here. I apologized for not getting her art lessons. We did piano instead. BC that's what she wanted at the time. I apologized for us not having a lot more money so we could pay for art school. I apologized for not being artistic myself BC she said I don't understand her artistic soul. I've apologized for her not having a good grandmother. I've apologized for not encouraging her to apply to julliard. She said years later that she had wanted to be a concert pianist. But she didn't practice that much. She had mentioned julliard once and I gave her a lightly skeptical look. I've also apologized for choosing to have child/her. I've apologized for not being a trust fund family. I've apologized for not handling her teenage tantrums better. As a teen she would get so angry and complain rant. I never liked to engage with her so I'd tell her I couldnt talk with her until she calmed down. She is angry about that BC she said talking would have calmed her. There is a lot more but that's the general gist. I've also apologized for not being the mother she wanted.
I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are the "parenting shortcomings" you have conceded to?

Still no answer to this. Hm.

Sorry. OP here. I apologized for not getting her art lessons. We did piano instead. BC that's what she wanted at the time. I apologized for us not having a lot more money so we could pay for art school. I apologized for not being artistic myself BC she said I don't understand her artistic soul. I've apologized for her not having a good grandmother. I've apologized for not encouraging her to apply to julliard. She said years later that she had wanted to be a concert pianist. But she didn't practice that much. She had mentioned julliard once and I gave her a lightly skeptical look. I've also apologized for choosing to have child/her. I've apologized for not being a trust fund family. I've apologized for not handling her teenage tantrums better. As a teen she would get so angry and complain rant. I never liked to engage with her so I'd tell her I couldnt talk with her until she calmed down. She is angry about that BC she said talking would have calmed her. There is a lot more but that's the general gist. I've also apologized for not being the mother she wanted.
I

Most of that's irrelevant stuff. Apologies were not warranted and I doubt they could have been very sincere. What really went on in your house that you produced a daughter who is obviously flailing sand throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks? You seem to be seeking validation there with a modified limited hangout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are the "parenting shortcomings" you have conceded to?

Still no answer to this. Hm.

Sorry. OP here. I apologized for not getting her art lessons. We did piano instead. BC that's what she wanted at the time. I apologized for us not having a lot more money so we could pay for art school. I apologized for not being artistic myself BC she said I don't understand her artistic soul. I've apologized for her not having a good grandmother. I've apologized for not encouraging her to apply to julliard. She said years later that she had wanted to be a concert pianist. But she didn't practice that much. She had mentioned julliard once and I gave her a lightly skeptical look. I've also apologized for choosing to have child/her. I've apologized for not being a trust fund family. I've apologized for not handling her teenage tantrums better. As a teen she would get so angry and complain rant. I never liked to engage with her so I'd tell her I couldnt talk with her until she calmed down. She is angry about that BC she said talking would have calmed her. There is a lot more but that's the general gist. I've also apologized for not being the mother she wanted.
I

Stop apologizing, most of this sounds tongue in cheek and almost sarcastic??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are the "parenting shortcomings" you have conceded to?

Still no answer to this. Hm.

Sorry. OP here. I apologized for not getting her art lessons. We did piano instead. BC that's what she wanted at the time. I apologized for us not having a lot more money so we could pay for art school. I apologized for not being artistic myself BC she said I don't understand her artistic soul. I've apologized for her not having a good grandmother. I've apologized for not encouraging her to apply to julliard. She said years later that she had wanted to be a concert pianist. But she didn't practice that much. She had mentioned julliard once and I gave her a lightly skeptical look. I've also apologized for choosing to have child/her. I've apologized for not being a trust fund family. I've apologized for not handling her teenage tantrums better. As a teen she would get so angry and complain rant. I never liked to engage with her so I'd tell her I couldnt talk with her until she calmed down. She is angry about that BC she said talking would have calmed her. There is a lot more but that's the general gist. I've also apologized for not being the mother she wanted.
I

Stop apologizing, most of this sounds tongue in cheek and almost sarcastic??

DP and that's what it sounds like to me. It was probably the non apology - I am sorry you felt, I am sorry didn't get, I am sorry I gave birth to you
This is so completely obnoxious and I would avoid an adult who acted this way too!

OP do yourself a favor, just accept no, you were not a perfect parent. Yes, you made lots of mistakes. Yes, your child is a real person, who has their own real feelings and their own perceptions of a situation and they don't and won't match your parent feelings and perceptions. You are still viewing your DD as an extension of you that must therefore resemble you in thought, feelings, words, beliefs,

[Anonymous]

Stop apologizing.
Instead, acknowledge that she is unhappy (telling her parents that they should not have had children is a huge red flag)
and say something like "everyone is doing the best they can" and "I cannot go back and change what happened in the past, but I can change the choices I make in the future" This type of statement should be your response every time she brings up something that happened long ago.

Both of these, besides being true, can give her a different lens to view her past through and hopefully give her a push to take responsibility for her own happiness. It sounds like she is looking for someone to blame but is not working on making her current life into something that makes her happy. Whether she blames you or not, you cannot magically change her past or even her life now. She needs to move forward instead of looking backward. Do what you can to help her do so instead of supporting her being stuck in the past.

[Anonymous]

What does “AC” stand for?

[Anonymous]

AC..adult child. Also the name of this forum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are the "parenting shortcomings" you have conceded to?

Still no answer to this. Hm.

Sorry. OP here. I apologized for not getting her art lessons. We did piano instead. BC that's what she wanted at the time. I apologized for us not having a lot more money so we could pay for art school. I apologized for not being artistic myself BC she said I don't understand her artistic soul. I've apologized for her not having a good grandmother. I've apologized for not encouraging her to apply to julliard. She said years later that she had wanted to be a concert pianist. But she didn't practice that much. She had mentioned julliard once and I gave her a lightly skeptical look. I've also apologized for choosing to have child/her. I've apologized for not being a trust fund family. I've apologized for not handling her teenage tantrums better. As a teen she would get so angry and complain rant. I never liked to engage with her so I'd tell her I couldnt talk with her until she calmed down. She is angry about that BC she said talking would have calmed her. There is a lot more but that's the general gist. I've also apologized for not being the mother she wanted.
I

Most of that's irrelevant stuff. Apologies were not warranted and I doubt they could have been very sincere. What really went on in your house that you produced a daughter who is obviously flailing sand throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks? You seem to be seeking validation there with a modified limited hangout.

Do you really think there are people out there who are doing evil things to their kids, then pretending they gave them a perfect childhood? Because the reality is that most people are doing the best they can. What are you looking for here? What kind of things do you think OP should admit, that she's "hiding"? You attitude is as juvenile as OP's DD's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on page 1 and just wanted to say there are too many bad therapists around!

+1. This sounds like it's coming from a therapist. There are lots of crazy therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn't about drinking, it's about dysfunction. She is trying to figure out why she is having emotional issues. Let her work through it. There is generational dysfunction and denying it won't make her suddenly emotionally well.

OP is telling one side of a story. Daughter would tell a different story. Truth may be somewhere in the middle. Meanwhile your daughter is crying out for help.

NP. Stop projecting your experiences onto OP.

DCUM isn't your personal therapy board.

And you're not helping OP or her daughter by refusing to engage with anybody else's experiences.

[Anonymous]

I think the girl is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder -- not bipolar!! Very different!) My mom has this, and apparently made up that her parents were abusive and her childhood was miserable. I mean, she may have been miserable, and her parents were not perfect, but her depictions of it are self serving, for sympathy and credit and all of that. She's got siblings, and they have very different and more believable perspectives (yes, siblings have varied experiences in dysfunctional households, but hang on a minute).BPDs happen in dysfunctional families but also healthy-enough families - it's genetic and can also get kicked off by environment.

Ok, my main point is : my mother, the BPD, vilified her parents exactly the same way the OP is describing, amplifying certain things, rearranging other things, with zero shame about it, but with a major emphasis on being angry they weren't more mainstream American and richer (instead, poor white immigrants), and all of it seemed perfectly reasonable to her, to rearrange reality so that it got her attention and sympathy. AND THEN, she continued the pattern her entire life, through marriage and her kids (me) and I really, actually and truly suffer from it. She was a nightmare parent.

This story, OP, about your child, could be about my mother at a young unmarried age. So advice is, look out if she gets kids. The kids will need you. My mother allowed us zero relatiobships with extended family, so this will be tricky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop apologizing.
Instead, acknowledge that she is unhappy (telling her parents that they should not have had children is a huge red flag)
and say something like "everyone is doing the best they can" and "I cannot go back and change what happened in the past, but I can change the choices I make in the future" This type of statement should be your response every time she brings up something that happened long ago.

Both of these, besides being true, can give her a different lens to view her past through and hopefully give her a push to take responsibility for her own happiness. It sounds like she is looking for someone to blame but is not working on making her current life into something that makes her happy. Whether she blames you or not, you cannot magically change her past or even her life now. She needs to move forward instead of looking backward. Do what you can to help her do so instead of supporting her being stuck in the past.

+1 also look up "black and white" thinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the girl is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder -- not bipolar!! Very different!) My mom has this, and apparently made up that her parents were abusive and her childhood was miserable. I mean, she may have been miserable, and her parents were not perfect, but her depictions of it are self serving, for sympathy and credit and all of that. She's got siblings, and they have very different and more believable perspectives (yes, siblings have varied experiences in dysfunctional households, but hang on a minute).BPDs happen in dysfunctional families but also healthy-enough families - it's genetic and can also get kicked off by environment.

Ok, my main point is : my mother, the BPD, vilified her parents exactly the same way the OP is describing, amplifying certain things, rearranging other things, with zero shame about it, but with a major emphasis on being angry they weren't more mainstream American and richer (instead, poor white immigrants), and all of it seemed perfectly reasonable to her, to rearrange reality so that it got her attention and sympathy. AND THEN, she continued the pattern her entire life, through marriage and her kids (me) and I really, actually and truly suffer from it. She was a nightmare parent.

This story, OP, about your child, could be about my mother at a young unmarried age. So advice is, look out if she gets kids. The kids will need you. My mother allowed us zero relatiobships with extended family, so this will be tricky.

So she was mad her parents weren't richer and more mainstream. That's her right. It was her childhood and that's how she felt. How does that make her BPD? (And how would that get her attention and sympathy?)

Sounds like she was right to keep you away from her siblings, since they have destroyed her in your eyes, even though she raised you. Her instincts were spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the girl is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder -- not bipolar!! Very different!) My mom has this, and apparently made up that her parents were abusive and her childhood was miserable. I mean, she may have been miserable, and her parents were not perfect, but her depictions of it are self serving, for sympathy and credit and all of that. She's got siblings, and they have very different and more believable perspectives (yes, siblings have varied experiences in dysfunctional households, but hang on a minute).BPDs happen in dysfunctional families but also healthy-enough families - it's genetic and can also get kicked off by environment.

Ok, my main point is : my mother, the BPD, vilified her parents exactly the same way the OP is describing, amplifying certain things, rearranging other things, with zero shame about it, but with a major emphasis on being angry they weren't more mainstream American and richer (instead, poor white immigrants), and all of it seemed perfectly reasonable to her, to rearrange reality so that it got her attention and sympathy. AND THEN, she continued the pattern her entire life, through marriage and her kids (me) and I really, actually and truly suffer from it. She was a nightmare parent.

This story, OP, about your child, could be about my mother at a young unmarried age. So advice is, look out if she gets kids. The kids will need you. My mother allowed us zero relatiobships with extended family, so this will be tricky.

So she was mad her parents weren't richer and more mainstream. That's her right. It was her childhood and that's how she felt. How does that make her BPD? (And how would that get her attention and sympathy?)

Sounds like she was right to keep you away from her siblings, since they have destroyed her in your eyes, even though she raised you. Her instincts were spot on.

Whut? No. Listen, it is complicated, but everyone knows my mother is mentally ill. That was not always the case -- she seems normal and she was very attractive. So it took decades, during which she ruined lots of people's lives, but now she is in her late 70, and everyone (in our family) knows she is mentally ill. She can still manipulate other people.. I understand she is wreaking havoc in her retirement community, over romantic delusions (thinks she's got a man, who lives with his partner - and no, it is not dementia, she's been doing this all her life). Her siblings only provided the perspective, as well as my own experiences with my grandparents, who were stable, sane, clean, and sober.

[Anonymous]

There are abusive parents out there who come to online forums for "help" and OP does not fit the pattern. The pattern of abusive parents: They "have no idea why" the child has a problem. The child was "always difficult." Nothing is ever the parent's fault. The child is somehow defective.

OP has been very forthcoming, and this is the odd case where I think it's the kid (genetic personality disorder).